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How to Handle the ex-wife that wants to block you ...

MommaBear1981's picture

Hello, 

I signed up here because I'm desperate and at the end of my rope. I live in Ontario, Canada and I ended up falling with love with my soulmate, who brought two beautiful daughters to add to the handsome son I already have. Unfortunately, his ex is doing everything she can to make our lives miserable- especially mine. She blames me for everything and is desperately trying to block me from going to specialist appointments for our youngest daughter who is almost 11 1/2 years old. Long story short, while my fiance wanted to wait and she went off on vacation I took our daughter to the doctors and got the ball rolling on her medical issue - testing, referrals, made a journal to track her eating, bowel movements, etc. which ended up in a diagnosis of Ulcerative Colitis. I also got her in on an emergency basis a second time when no one else did. I have been there for almost all appointments with my fiance and always have kept her mother informed (even though shes been to all appointments) of how our daughter is doing when sick, etc. Now all of a sudden she is trying to block me and bind me to an updated separation agreement between her and my fiance. I know stepparents have basically no rights, and after consulting a legal professional was told she cannot bind me to their agreement. Our 11 1/2 year old has specifically told her mother, father and me that she wants me with her in the room at every appointment. Her mother is not respecting her wishes. I take care of the girls far more than my finace because I'm home with them more and I feel because I feel it's the best interests for our daughter for me to be there for each appointment to get the knowledge and ask questions of the doctor. My fiance also has a terrible memory and doesnt think like I do to get questions answered. I need help! 

fourbrats's picture

wanted to wait and you decided to take it upon yourself to take the child to the doctor. That would be a no go in my home. DH and I would be having a serious discussion about boundaries if either of us did the same. And we have been together 18+ years. Obviously most of the kids are old enough to go to the doctor on their own now, but we never crossed lines like this. 

How did you even get in with the doctor and a child you are a legal stranger to? You can't make any decisions on medication or sign for anything. 

I have to agree with mom on this one. You should stay out of it. If your fiance has issues remembering things he can write them down. 

BethAnne's picture

I understand that you want to help, but unfortunately we have to deal with other's egos sometimes. If BM doesn't want you there, it is probably best you don't attend, no-one wants an argument in a doctors office. 

If you do make observations at home that you feel are relevent you could always take notes and give them to your fiance to take with him if you want to help.

Unfortunately being a step parent is a continual lesson in stepping back and realising that we are not the bio-parents and cannot do everything that we would do for our own bio-kids.

MurphysLaw's picture

LOL

tog redux's picture

Ugh, she's not your daughter, she's BM's daughter, and no way should you have done all that without BM's permission. She went off on vacation and you took her kid to the doctor, got a serious diagnosis and began treatment?!  Do you truly not see why she might think you are overstepping? You aren't even married to the father. Even HE wanted to wait for the doctor appointments.

If I were her, I'd consider filing a complaint against the doctor for treating a patient without EITHER parents' agreement.  You need to take a big step back and stop seeing yourself as this child's mother, and her as your daughter. 

BM is not the problem here. You are so far out of your lane I'm not even sure you are on the same highway as BM and your SO.

advice.only2's picture

Have you ever seen the movie “Hand that rocks the cradle?” I’m totally getting that vibe here 

Rags's picture

She is YOUR daughter.  The operative word in the title of Step Parent is not the prefix, it is the word Parent.  I am my SS's dad, I initiated medical care for him without speaking to the Spermidiot or SpermClan, or even my wife for that matter.   As his dad I did what I thought best regarding his health and wellbeing.  Of course I let my wife know we were at the Doc but I for damned sure did not ask even her permission.  I attended every doc appointment if I was not the one that initiated the doc visit, I attended every school event, etc, etc, etc, etc.....

I even initiated medical care for SS when he was in SpermLand on SpermClan visitation.  He got a rusty fish hook in his thigh while on a camping trip at a remote lake with the SpermClan.  The SpermClan wanted to wait to get it removed and get him a tetanus shot until the end of the trip  because of the three hour drive to the nearest clinic.  They kept having him call his mom and I to have us verify that he had received a tetanus shot.  We were also on a trip and not at home with access to his shot record.   We kept telling him to tell his SpermGrandHag to take him to get the hook removed and a tetanus shot.  I finally told him to put SpermGrandHag on the phone. She refused to speak to me so I told him to stand by her and put his phone on speaker. I then gave her the choice of getting her ass in the car and taking SS to a Doc to get the hook removed and a tetanus shot or I would have a helicopter ambulance land at her camp site and she could pay for it with her credit card when they landed.  She got her haggy ass in the car and took SS to the nearest ER.  She then pitched a tantrum and took SS to her house instead of going back for the remainder of the camping trip.  The usual manipulative bullshit that they pulled for nearly the entire 16  years we lived under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO.

SpermGrandHag played games at the hospital by listing me as responsible party.   I had it out with both SpermGrandHag and the hospital over that but she got off her haggy ass and got the kid medical treatment.

You initiated medical care that found a critical medical condition that your daughter suffers from.  All while BM wanted to delay while she went on vacation.  It sounds to me that your DH needs to recover his balls from BM's purse and man up.  It is good that one of you in this relationship has balls.

Keep doing what you are doing and protecting your daughter's best interests and caring for her health... in spite of her idiot mother and coward of a father.

Good luck.  Take care of you.

tog redux's picture

Dontcha know that people can just declare themselves the REAL parent of a child and push the other one out if they don't like them? 

advice.only2's picture

I had a friend who went through a nasty divorce with her ex.  He hooked up with a lady who decided she was new mommy and even went so far as removing my friends name from all medical paperwork and listing herself as the mother.

my friend took her to court and got a restraining order against the lady for herself and her daughter. Needless to say new mommy disappeared from the picture very quickly.

The OP is playing with fire here and she will be the one who gets incinerated by the courts not the BM or BF.

 

Step lightly's picture

Rags, I appreciate your positive outlook on stuff but your SS asked you to adopt him. It kinda changes things, especially compared to what’s going on in OP’s situation. Regardless of the relationship she has to SD. Her partner wanted to wait on the appointment and she disregarded his wishes. Before anyone even gets to the discussion of overstepping, she disrespected her partner’s wishes. That’s not okay, even if it wasn’t something having to do with skids. 

Any half of a couple who acts unilaterally is undermining the foundation of trust and respect in their relationship.

 

tog redux's picture

Pushing out one parent because you want to be the father/mother doesn't seem positive to me, no matter how it gets spun.

Step lightly's picture

I get where Rags is coming from. His adult SS asked him to adopt him. It’s a very sweet thing for them. I’ve had friends have equally positive relationships with step fathers in their lives, sure they wish their dads were better fathers, but it doesn’t diminish their gratitude for their stepfathers. There is room for that in steplandia, but that’s not what OP is talking about.  

I think his experience is so apples to automobiles though. Not only is OP very new to the situation, stepmothers also have a whole unique set of challenges compared to stepfathers. 

She way overstepped, but even disregarding all of those mistakes, the very first wya she went wrong was to willfully go against her SO. That’s just.... not how partnerships work. The issue just keeps compounding considering it was dealing with SO’s daughter.... but wait, a doc appointment... but wait.... a diagnosis and treatment.... 

the situation Op described started at bad and kept getting worse. The road to hell certainly is paved with good intentions.

Rags's picture

My perspective is that no one gets to enter a commited relationship then  limit their partner within the context of that partnership.   That includes any children that one partner of the other may bring to the relationship.

I in no way am a proponent of replacing a parent.  However, I am completely commited to protecting children from toxic even if what is toxic is that child's parent.  In my case, his mom and I protected our son from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. Being an all in parent to a SKid is not replacing that Skid's coresponding BioParent.  

I took my Skid to see Docs.  That is what a parent does.  If that had to happen without his mom's prior knowledge because she was not present, that is what I did.  Any parent of quality or character would do the same.

I get that the OP is not married to her SO.   While I am absolutely a proponent of marriage, it is not mandatory to have a license to be a SParent just it is not neccesary to have a license to breed.

I also get that the OP took her SD to the Doc without her SO's agreement.  Since BM was on vacation .... she is a non issue in this situation IMHO.  The kid had a chronic intestinal problem.  SM got the ball rolling on releiving that kid's suffering.   I can't condemn that.

justmakingthebest's picture

Ok mommabear, couple of things. 

  1. You are not married. You had no right to take her to the doctor without your fiance
  2. She is not "our daughter". She is nothing to you right now. You aren't married. You might be a glorified nanny who is sleeping with the dad, but you aren't the mom to the girls. 
  3. BM is blaming you for "everything". Were you involved in the ending of their marriage?
  4. Once you are actually married, your DH can get you a medical power of attorney that will allow you to seek medical care while they are in HIS custody for parenting time. Until that time, BM can block you all day long and the doctors will support that 100%. 

Letti.R's picture

You may be well intentioned, but you are way out of line.
This is not your child and you have no legal rights to anything regarding her.
The child has two parents who are capable of making decisions - even if you don't agree with them.
Unfortunately, you brought this on yourself.

How would you feel if someone overrides what you want for your son because they think they have the right to?
You do care, I get it, but you are still in the wrong here - even if the parents seem medically indifferent.
Plus your partner should not use you to take care of the girls because he is a non-interested, free range parent.
This is not a good situation at all and your soulmate is a shoddy, lazy parent.

If you think you are at the end of your rope now, marry this man and you will feel the drop.
No more rope.

shamds's picture

Stepsibling or half sibling taking it upon themselves to make the decisions without any bio parents decision.

op you would get into alot of legal trouble and deep shit if bio mum pressed charges against you. Why put yourself in that situation?

STaround's picture

Agreed, you cannot be ordered to do anything in the agreement between your fiance and his ex, BUT HE can be ordered NOT to allow you to take kid to doctor and NOT to give you medical POA.   Now there are some here say, a party has violated the court order with no consequences, but I can suspect it wil ramp up the stress here.  You were wrong, accept it. 

Harry's picture

This kid has a  BM and BF. You are not one of them.  Her medical problem is none of your concern,  let BM or BF handle it,  legally you wrong 

momjeans's picture

How in the world were you able to even take someone else’s child to the doctor in the first place?  

 

Petronella's picture

 I guess as long as she had the kid’s health card in hand, they didn’t ask any questions ? I agree it’s very weird. Maybe she told them she was the mom.

advice.only2's picture

Oh they ask, which makes me think the OP lied and claimed she was the parent.  I had to write a letter and sign it and call to confirm if I had my husband take my son to the doctor.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

"our daughter". You are a kind and responsible person who has entered  this young girls life and for whom she obviously cares.

However, an engagement ring does not convey any type of parental rights or status.

Even if the parents are totally irresponsible , they retain the right to make certain decisions.

If you can not do what you do with no expectations of additional involvement or validation, then it is in your best interest to refrain from doing those things. They cease to be about the child and become more about what you want and need.

 

Cbarton12's picture

First of all she is not an "our" daughter. She is literally BM and your fiance's daughter.

It makes me really uncomfortable that you kept emphasizing in your post "our daughter".

Sorry. I'm with BM on this one. She is not your child. You have no right to take her to a doctor and authorize treatment. What is wrong with you? 

 

So to answer your question about "how to deal ": you should take several steps back and let the PARENTS deal with the medical issues and decisions. 

elkclan's picture

Wow, wow, wow - there is no way that I would ever take my step kids for NON EMERGENCY medical treatment without their dad being there and probably not at all (BM in our case is not medically negligent). I would absolutely take them for emergency treatment, of course, but I'd be ringing my partner and if necessary ringing BM every step of the way.  My son doesn't have an SM, but I'd be furious if he did and she took him to stuff against my agreement (though very happy if she did the emergency thing). 

SMto2's picture

"Our 11 1/2 year old has specifically told her mother, father and me that she wants me with her in the room at every appointment." As a minor, the child doesn't get to make that call. I see you're in Canada. I'm assuming they have laws to protect the privacy of medical records just like we have HIPAA in the U.S. If I were her BM, I'd sue the medical provider for violating her daughter's medical confidentiality by providing information to you, a total stranger who had no rights to seek treatment for her, much less participate in her medical care. And I'd definitely be making your actions an issue in the divorce to prohibit you from taking any steps in the future, and would file any other actions I could against you to prohibit you from taking any action on behalf of my child again. If you did lie to the physicians' office and tell them you were her mother, I'd see if I could get criminal charges filed against you. I've been a SM for 20 years, but I know my boundaries. 

secret's picture

How sad for the child.

Kind of best for the kid that you initiated it... but you launched yourself in a world of hurt by stepping outside the boundaries...

I get that you  were "helping"...and I know how hard it is to watch someone you care about not get the best of care... in this case, though, you were unfortunately in the wrong.

Help your husband...but let him deal with it ultimately. It's not your battle and you'll end up being the one to pay the price along with the child... it could blow up in your face as in the mom does what she can to avoid more medical care just to spite you.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned..and You, my dear, set off a field of landmines with the mother.

Poor child.

shamds's picture

at their aunts or uncles and say they broke their arm. Your sis or brother would be on the phone letting you know that they are taking them to the hospital and to meet up there or something but they would never think it ok to make an executive decision.

heck and i get pissed off at hubby making executive decisions to cut our curly haired son’s fringe, can only imagine what the bio parents are feeling about the fiance doing this...

no matter how well your intentions are and that maybe the bio parents might be neglecting her or not taking it seriously this kid has 2 bio parents responsible for her and if it turned out it was a serious medical condition, its on the arsehole parents for not taking it seriously and doing their jobs well

shamds's picture

at their aunts or uncles and say they broke their arm. Your sis or brother would be on the phone letting you know that they are taking them to the hospital and to meet up there or something but they would never think it ok to make an executive decision.

heck and i get pissed off at hubby making executive decisions to cut our curly haired son’s fringe, can only imagine what the bio parents are feeling about the fiance doing this...

no matter how well your intentions are and that maybe the bio parents might be neglecting her or not taking it seriously this kid has 2 bio parents responsible for her and if it turned out it was a serious medical condition, its on the arsehole parents for not taking it seriously and doing their jobs well

Thisisnotus's picture

Ohhh my!!!! This is NOT your daughter in any way shape or form. Take a huge step back. I hope BM gets her way because this sounds super creepy. Take care of your actual child and leave your husband and ex wife’s child to them to deal with.

Maria10's picture

 

Not even a phonecall to your fiance to let him know about her stomach hurting and about u being in the hospital? Waited until it was over to tell anyone anything? 

Not in a million years will this fly with any legal establishment. UNLESS: she had a real emergency in your presence( such as a debilitating stomach ache) that needed to be treated immediately. 

I would tread carefully from now on. Get legal permission in writing from your fiance. Detach( as much as possible). Maybe get some legal counsel for yourself.