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Help! BM will not even try to know me.

Haggadone123's picture

Need advice please! I am now living with my boy friend and he has 3 kids who come over every other weekend. We get along great and have a good bond. I am very careful about staying in my lane and not getting involved in things that do not concern me. I basically cook for them and take them fun places that they have never got to do before. Same as I always did with my own kids who are now 18, 20 and 21. Me and my BF get along really good and never fight at all. The only issue we have is that he lets his BM run everything and he absolutly no say so in anything that has to do with the kids. I dont get involved but it hurts me to see him treated so badly. BM will not meet me or have any contact with me what so every. Its been over a year and we have not ever met. She texts my BF and tells him that she dont want me braiding their little girls hair or even sleeping in the same room with her. She also pitches a fit and threatened to keep the kids from him if I ride in the car to take them home. That makes me feel terrible for some reason. I try to not let it bother me but it does. I love his kids and I am NOT trying to be a second mom. They have a mom and dad. I just want to be treated better. I care for his kids like I did for my own. I raised 3 beautiful children by myself and they turned out great. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 



Winterglow's picture
  1. Meeting her won't change a thing
  2. She has absolutely no say about what happens on his time with his kids
  3. She's a control freak, until he stands up for himself things are never going to change

Siemprematahari's picture

It's not necessary to have contact with BM and thank your lucky stars that you don't as she exhibits some toxic traits. This will persist until your BF stands up for himself and lets her know that she doesn't get to dictate what goes on in his home and who rides in his car. Expect a lifetime of this and more chaos if your BF doesn't take control of the situation and nip it in the bud.

still learning's picture

Who is it that you want to be treated better by, your boyfriend, BM or both?  You do realize that you can't control how she treats him or you by extention, right?  You say you don't get involved yet BF is sharing all of BM's texts with you. She is indirectly communicating with you through him, you're involved and complying with her instructions so as not to rock the boat. 

He's allowing her to control everything because it's easier for him than actually confronting her. You're allowing yourself to be controlled as well because you don't want to lose him. You say:

Me and my BF get along really good and never fight at all. 

The reason you don't fight is because you're avoiding the real issues and not having a meaningful converstion about it.  You're being treated like an invisible nanny and your boyfriend is onboard with it. As long as you keep sweet and continue fulfilling bf's parental duties for him and kow towing to BM's demands everything is okay.  

BM doesn't have to meet and approve of you. You don't have to keep proving what a great mother you were to your 3 grown children by taking on the daily grind of someone else's family.  

You say you're not trying to be a second mom but cooking, taking them to fun places, doing their hair, sleeping in the same room as them, and driving them places, sounds a lot like parenting or unpaid babysitting to me.  This really isn't about BM or BF at all. It's about you and why you've put yourself in a situation where you are trying to prove your worth by parenting other peoples kids for validation.

I just want to be treated better. 

Then treat yourself better, stop being a doormat!  

Haggadone123's picture

Boy you hit the nail right on the head and thank you for your honesty. I have had issues my whole life with being a door mat and wanting to please everyone. I have tried to have meaningful conversations with him but he shuts down and tells me that its easier to give her what she wants. I am just not ok with that. I was just given advice on disengagement and read a little on it. I think that is what I need to do. Quit being a free nanny and let him parent his kids. The 6 year old is very attached to me and even call herself my side kick so I dont want to hurt her. But it does hurt her when she asks me to ride with them and I tell her that I can't. I am thinking I need to slowly just take some steps back. Thank you again for your honesty. I really needed that. 

strugglingSM's picture

This is all about control. BM is competing with you to see if she can get your BF to listen to her over you or place her desires above yours. She's trying to send the message that she is still in charge of him and you'll always be an outsider. 

If your BF is either unwilling or unable to put up some boundaries then you should leave him. Living in a step-family is difficult enought, living in a step-family without boundaries is misery. 

hereiam's picture

Be glad that BM doesn't want to know you, that is not a bad thing.

However, she has no business dictating what goes on in your home, like whose hair you can and cannot braid, nor if you ride in the car for drop offs or not.

Your BF has court ordered visitation, she cannot legally withould the kids from him. He needs to know his rights, let her know that he knows his rights, and stand up to her or she will forever "run everything".

Thisisnotus's picture

keep riding in the car to pick up/drop off....get a convertable if you can so that she can see you better....actually you just do the drop with the music blaring and you and the little dancing and singing.......leave your man at home. Braid the girls hair...dye it purple if you get the chance.....have huge big deal sleepover parties  with the girl in YOUR room when she is there.

I've had enough of these crazy ass BM's.....ignore BM at all costs....she doesn't exisit to you  and has zero relevance in your life. Don't meet her....ever.....not for one second.

Goodluck's picture

Welcome to step talk.

Strap in---it is a wild ride.

Glad your found us. Hopefully we can give you some peace of mind.

Be may start telling your boyfriend that YOU can not go to public activities or public school events.  She can not do that.




Haggadone123's picture

I am glad I found you too. His oldest graduates next May so I am curious to see if she will pitch a fit about that. We  shall see! 

Cbarton12's picture

Consider yourself lucky. Why does she need to know you or meet you? 

This isn't going to be one big happy friendship with BM

Haggadone123's picture

I guess I just thougt that if she knew me then she would not be so bitter. I am learing that I am just better off not ever meeting her. I think I am at peace with that. 

JanRebecca's picture

I have been married to hubby for five years and have yet to meet ss mom - and i'm ok with that. I don't want to be in the middle of that crap - hubby can handle things or not - it's his call. His son - his call. I don't want a relationship with her whatsoever!!!!

Rags's picture

Why care about the feelings or desires of this toxic breeder of a BM?  

There are many SParents who have never met or spoken with their SO's X breeding partner who are decades into their life as SParents.

I raised my SS-27 as my own since his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo.  I can count on less than the fingers of one hand the number of times I have ever interfaced with the Spermidiot.  Most of those interaces were in court countering the toxic manipulations of the SpermClan.

What the SpermClan felt, thought, said, or wanted I never gave a shit about.   My job was to raise my SS, provide for and protect his best interests and have my brides back in doing those things.

Since this BM has proven herself toxic, IMHO your focus has to be on the Skid and you shouldn't care about the toxic BM.

You can't force her to interface with you or to be reasonable. All you can do is partner with your SO to raise the Skids to be a viable adults and to protect them from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.

Good luck.

Pixiedust's picture

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years , since his kids were 1 and 2.  The kids dont remember their parents being together , only me with their dad. I had been with him throughout most of his nasty divorce which was final last December.  We have the kids on a 60/40 split giving us Thursday nigh, Friday, Sat and every other Sunday.  In the beginning of our relationship it was reversed.  We pick up the kids and take them to school enduring an hours drive because she moved out of town.  We participate in school events, go on vacations and do lots of fun things that a family do.  Now here is the issue:  Bio Mom.  She has never liked me and has always been jealous of our relationship.  In the past I have tried to be nice but she is so mean that I stopped trying.  It is always something with her, lately she stopped me ordering books from their school fund raiser, was upset that I attended a birthday party and I wont answer her relentless calls to my phone to talk to the kids.  She yelled at me in front of the kids as I tried to tell her that her daughter was up sick all night.  She will only email her X, no phone calls or texts allowed.  I watch the girls overnight when their dad works , is it crazy to want to give her an update when she picks up in the morning.  Now she is not giving us birthday party information so we can contact families to accept or deny.  She wants control over the situation.  We are just trying to be a family when we have the girls, never disrespting their mother but wanting our time according to the divorce settlement.  Dad has requested numerous times for her to stop calling and we will call nightly, but she insists on calling  my phone 4X a day as well as his.  When do we get some sort of separation and get to live as a family?  Dad does not call when the kids are with mom or go on field trips or volunteer in school during her time.  He does not want to overstep on her parenting time, so why does she continue to feel it necessary to do it on ours.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Our house should not be so stressful every weekend....Should it????      Thanks

Rags's picture

Don't answer her calls when the Skids are with you.  If she calls when she has the kids answer and if it is not about the kids being sick or something legit... hang up immediately.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Do not give her a verbal  update when she picks up the kids.  If you want to give her an update type it up, print it, put it in an envelope, write her name and the date on it the envelope and hand it to her.  Keep the native file for your records so if she gets lippy later and claims that she was not updated, call her bullshit and tell her she is given an update every time the Skids return to her.

Quit trying to apply reasonable to BM.  Since she is far from reasonable confront her crap.  Why do you care if she likes you?  DH needs to quit worrying about infringing on her time and start putting his proverbial foot up her ass for interference with his time with his kids.

The number of people who lament not having a relationship with their SO's X is amazing.  Why would any one care about their SO's X? Particularly when that X is a POS, unreasonable, nasty, mean and toxic.


ldvilen's picture

Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH (or BF) = step hell.  You are not doing anything wrong, mom and dad are.  If you want to see your future, read above.  

Note: I would add that no matter what, mom and dad will come out smelling like a rose, particularly BM.  They will be forgiven time and time again by their own children, relatives, the court system, society in general, all.  Step-parents, however, have no one on their side, other than maybe, just maybe, another step-parent.  Thus, BM could be the most manipulative, controlling person in the world, and she'll be excused for it because she is a BM.  Your DH or BF could be the most mamby-pamby man on the planet, giving into every one of BM's demands, and the rest of society will be excuse him for it, because, "He's just doing what every divorced man is supposed to be doing--kowtowing to his ex."  A/k/a, he'll be seen as a good dad.  

Then, SM comes along. . .   Do you think for one minute she is going to win/ gain anything, even the smallest iota of appreciation for assisting in caring for someone else's child?  Absolutely not.  Do you think it is even going to matter if BM and DH are sucky parents and SM is actually a pretty darn good one?  Absolutely not.  The only way a SM ever really gets along with the bios, her SKs is if mom has no issue with SM and gives "permission," so to speak, for the kids to have a relationship with her, and if SM's DH or BF truly knows how to parent and inisists that his children see SM as his SO or wife vs. the family lackey.  That is what it takes.

Rags's picture

If the breeder SO does not have the SParent's back then that SO needs to immediately become an X. 

The SParent has to respect themselves enough to not tolerate lack of respect from their partner.  

For many years I did not "believe" in divorce.  Then I married my adulterous whore of an XW and damned near killed myself in my attempts to save that marriage when she was never in it at all other than for the wedding and her name being on the marriage license.   No one should sacrifice themselves for a toxic spouse.  Ever. For any reason. Not for money, not for "love" and not for any kids in the mix.  Ever. Period.

Anyone who does is the facilitator of their own misery.

oatsnhoney's picture

No CO = BM in control of his parenting time.. and your life. She has the control of his currency.. his kids. That's a dangerous scenario.