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Help adult step child mess, and a husband who allowed it now stopping

To old for this's picture

:O I seriously need help with this. Please don't answer by saying talk to her, she has made it totally clear I am nothing and she is everything.
Married a widower 14 years ago. His adult daughter was awful to me but everyone said cut her slack because her mom had died and she would come around, I kept my mouth shut as I had tried to see her point. But here it's 14 years later And my husband has had enough but lies to her because she has already made him miserable trying to see his grandsons. This last action has made him bitter. I was told she was beyond spoiled by everyone when we married. But couldn't prepare for this. The first 10 years my husbands previous home he owned was all hers, I had no problem with that and it was talked about. She will not come in our house since I live here, no matter how often we invited her. When my granddaughter of 9 before we married was visiting before marriage she stayed in her room. While we were away she called screaming at her father and removed her bags out of the room she hadn't slept in for years. It was her last visit there. My husband was managing the trust and had to make a 90k payment to his step daughter who has cerebral policy. He needed her signature to do so. She required him to give 125k that was not in the trust and wiped out savings or she would not sign. My husband did it. After 5 yrs of marriage he gave me a legal document giving me a half interest in his 13000 lps and cds that has value he also put it in his will after trust was gone. Leaving other 1/2 to her along with a provision for me to stay 1 yr if he should die and her receiving all of house. He gave her original will and she screamed on the phone at him for it, 2 yrs later she said she lost the will and wanted to be part of him rewriting it. She was angry he gave me 1/2 interest in music and a yr to stay on his death. After this he rewrote the will and gave me the original and lied to her it was same. It wasn't. In this will he gave me also life residency till Idied if he died. But wouldn't tell her as I spent hearing why I didn't deserve 1/2 of even music collection Later when she married the tables went from one corner out about 8 tables, we were put at farthest table with attendants and disabled sister ( not his daughter). We paid 4500 for a photographer...she refused to order or pass to others these photos because he had included me in some pics. 3 years later is when it turned awful. She gave birth to first son. The child was 2 months before we were allowed to see him, 2 years later another child. My husband was not allowed to visit at nursery and we didn't see that child for 2 months. She then lives 2 miles away. We dropped off a gift , but called first. We are no longer allowed to come to the house for doing that. My husband only sees grandkids at a restraunt every 2-3 months. This broke my husband who now has changed everything in the will again though she doesn't know......she is adamant he married me, so he didn't put her fist so his grandkids will not be involved much with him. But still demands to know the money is all hers, well it's not anymore and if he dies all hell will break loose. Her husband is a top notch attorney and I know my life will be hell. Hopefully we will die together, but I am dreading all of this and how he is even afraid to file deed recording in case she finds out ( it's not necessary to be recorded in this state). I need advice and comfort. I have never known a more spoiled person so vile and brags about it ,person in my life

Rags's picture

It sounds that your DH is gaining clarity on his toxic spawn and is evolving his Will accordingly. Please dont worry about the what ifs regarding SD's attorney husband. It sounds that your DH will ensure that you have adequate resources to defend his wishes as stipulated in the Will. If anything happens... enjoy stirring the pot.

I know I would. }:)

Dovina's picture

Gotta love your responses rags. May we all have your chutzpah, or even better may all our SO's and Dh's be sent to Rags for mandatory training.

happystepmum's picture

DH should just sign everything over to you now while he's alive. The the ingrate won't be able to touch it at all. Lol.

sammigirl's picture

If your SD gives you ANY trouble, file a Court Order, so she cannot contact or come near you, even thru a third party.

Enjoy her tantrums, there's nothing she can do. Put all paperwork in a safety deposit box so that it is secure, with instructions on how to handle your business, in the case that you both go at the same time. Your SD never needs to know that your DH has talked to you about his changes; just never throw your DH under the bus, let him handle his DD.

I would not go near her ever again. You can disengage and let your DH handle her the way he sees fit.

So glad your DH saw the situation for what it is. Continue to concentrate on your DH and your marriage. It sounds like your SD is already frustrated, because she knows her Dad loves you. Worrying is only a waste of time; just move forward, it sounds like everything is taken care of.

((((hugs))))

ldvilen's picture

You must've gone to several other generic-type websites or counselors before coming to this one. No one here would ever advise as you mentioned above, "Please don't answer by saying talk to her, she has made it totally clear I am nothing and she is everything." We know better. We completely understand. We know the reality.

When a situation gets this bad, and it is bad, I think the only answer is for both you and your husband to disengage. Neither of you have anything to gain from trying to further a relationship with SD other than pain and suffering. Sometimes adult SKs have been so PAS'd, they are unreachable. I know in your situation BM passed away, but apparently your SD did a good enough job of parenteral alienating herself in her own mind. A few adult SKs, and it is just a few, may eventually come around, but if they do, it is pretty much 99% on their own accord. There is nothing further you can do.

There was a poster called Peacemaker here who was so wonderful at stating how to deal with and how she and her DH had to deal with some of their adult children being PAS'd. Like you and your DH, they had put up with it for years, and then finally accepted the reality, and disengaged completely and found their own peace together as husband and wife. Peacemaker hasn't posted in a while, but you could probably search and find many of her responses that way. That is the way for both you and your DH to go. If SD doesn't want you around, she doesn't want you around. I know you would love to get to know your Gkids, but spite is an Evil monster, and your SD legally and otherwise has complete authority over her kids.

Don't fool yourselves. Enjoy your marriage. Enjoy your lives. Make plans so you are both taken care of in later years. Don't dwell on things you have no control over. AND, don't feel guilty. SD made this choice and not you.

JamieG's picture

I have adult stepchildren as well. They are not easy to deal with and are constantly worried about "being screwed," money wise. One even has re-occurring nightmares about it. In our case there is a will protecting me and life insurance that will go to the grown kids. I have money myself that I am leaving to my sweetheart and to my own children. I think as long as you are protected financially and you are able to care for yourself when your husband passes away, I wouldn't worry about what this SD does or doesn't do.

Take care of yourself and your marriage. Live happily and without needing permission from grown kids.

CLove's picture

Greetings Too old. I’m in a different situation, so I cannot give a ton of advice right now. We aren’t yet at the point where we have any assets. But I can offer some comfort. I’m sorry she is being so incredibly selfish and using the grandchildren as pawns in her game definitely disengage - there is no talking at this point things have gone too far. I’m glad for you that your DH is seeing her for what she is, but sad that he depleted savings from her blackmail. It sounds complex, and I’m not sure I completely understand the situation. But I don’t really have to to offer my empathy for your situation. My SO and I are buying our house together so I will definitely have more authority. The eldest SD used to enjoy telling me “just so you know, I was here first!”
Well she has not lived with us for about 5 months, and has cut us off completely, with no explanation. There was no big blowout or fight. She just did “the fade” or “ghosted us”, and life has gotten better. And we are doing a joint tenancy with right of survivorship.

I echo another response - is it possible to transfer everything to you now so there is less possibility of any trouble later?

Cara1128's picture

Warm your heart by knowing that if she continues this behavior into her marriage, the lawyerman will surely divorce her.
Consult a lawyet and psychologist of your own about the possibility of claiming abuse/coersion on her(I do not know if there is such a thing legally but if existent attorney will find). It has to be YOURS and not involved with hubs.
At the least she has been harassing you for years.
And as stated above I would challenge your husband to sign everything over to you while you are living. You really do not know if your will is the real one.