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Don't know how to handle

Ela's picture

Hello everyone, 

 

Saw topics very similar to mine,hopefully will find somebody who will understand and not judge. I have a boyfriend,he has a son who is 5 years now. In the beggining was wonderfull till we moved in together... i was always asking when his son gonna come,if we can play,if we can go out. I changed diapers,I was feeding him,playing with him... After we moved in together - everything changed. Son was with us every second weekend,we both working a lot,no time for anything. Kid started to annoy me,not listening me,I am coming back home - home is a mess. Recently I started to avoid any meetings. If I am at work and I know kid will be till 20:00 - I am coming back home as late as possible,on weekends taking work shifts and so on. If my boyfriend suggests to go somewhere all of us - I will find an excuse. Like I said - first year was nothing like this. It started to happen with me maybe 8-9 months ago...

Ela's picture

Also I can mention,that in the begginingI helped a lot with kid...now I am avoiding anything like I said. I don't know what happened with me. Even if he is mentioning kid - I might get angry. We were celebrating my boyfriend birthday. I prepared romantic surprise. Everything was fine till that moment when he said: maybe tomorrow we can take my son and celebrate all together. I got angry that even for one evening he can not stop mentioning him...

We both had corona. So 2 weeks we were just in bed. No work,no kid. He asked me why I am smilling all of the sudden? I said: because its been a wonderfull 2 weeks for me together... ( How ironic it sounds,we were both with corona ..)

tog redux's picture

We won't judge you - sounds like living with the kid was different than just seeing him when you weren't living together.  Is some of this about how your SO parents? Are you getting stuck cleaning up the mess they make? Are you able to talk with him about any of this, or does he get defensive?

Ela's picture

I spoke even with my friend who is therapist about that. So most likely in her oppinion those sudden changes might coming that kids who are around me are not meeting my expectations. Very different raising and so on. Because I never had problems with kids. Plus I was working with them for a while in my life.

But since we moved together and boy started to spend time here etc - I even started to think I dont want my own also..

Ela's picture

Before I was doing anything...needed to clean that mess and so on. My boyfriend did not care about mess at all,but I did. I told him that I am very tired of this. My life is already full of stress. And he took away all those responsibilities from me. But I know he is unhappy about that. He is even getting angry if I am saying that I am not kid mom ( kid has his biological mom). Sometimes he is pointing it out that I dont love her and so on. 

Like I said - before it was different. I liked spending time with his son. But it started to change. And actually it changed to that point that now I can not handle any kid. Before I loved kids so much. Now I am avoiding being around any kids ( my boyfriend family and relatives has kids so during family meetings they are always around).

CLove's picture

It sounds like you are at the proverbial "end of the rope" on things.

I would firstly stay and read others posts.

Your boyfriend is expecting you to be the Faux mommy- meaning when kiddo is with dad, you fill in as the mother figure. His expecting you to be that is ridiculous. 

You are NOT mommy. You will NEVER be mommy. He needs to get that through his head.

He needs to actually parent this child. Its not your child.

Ela's picture

Once when I was in a bad mood I told him this.this is not my child and not my responsibilities to do certain things... he,and kinda some of his family members thinking that if A girl chose a guy with a kid - it is her responsibility also. 

Winterglow's picture

So you're getting pressure about this nonsense from his family too? If he's backed up by them this will never get any better. Time to give up. Life is too short to be used by a lazy individual. You deserve so much better. 

Ela's picture

Point is that I know that my boyfriend is not selfish. I think there are some psychological problems. He is working a lot. I am working and studying. Kid mom also working a lot. Everyone are busy. She is very often asking for help : him,me,grandmothers etc. Most of us dont have time for that at all. He is kinda pushing his kid everywhere and wants everyone to love him or like him. Many times I noticed it. I dont know it some kinda insecurity or something. Once I got angry and I said for him: nobody has time. You have your kid on weekend, but you decided to take a work shift or some important things came up, your ex made plans already,you can not just put your kid on somebody else. Its weekend. People wants to rest. I want to rest. Her grandmothers want to rest. And I can see how he is getting upset. Like I said I think its some kinda insecurity because that kid came to this world in not very good way...it was kinda one night stand and so on.. so I am thinking that he thinks that nobody wants that kid around

Winterglow's picture

It's actually much simpler than that.

  • He's lazy.
  • He most certainly is selfish if he picks up extra shifts when he knows he'll have his son.
  • He thinks child care is women's work. 

This is his child, no matter how he came into the world (and please stop dwelling on that, it's not helping the situation any). He doesn't get to palm him off on other people. The child is HIS responsibility and not anybody else's. It's up to him to organize his life around his visitation, not for other people to do so. He doesn't get to pick up extra hours if his child will be there. His child is not disposable. If he can't cope with him, then he leaves him with his mother (I'm assuming she's the custodial parent?) and doesn't take his visitation. If she can't then it's her problem. There are only two parents and it's up to them to work things out for their child and it's time they stopped depending on other people to pick up their slack.

 

Winterglow's picture

Make sure you have other plans when he is supposed to have his son so that you are absolutely not available to be his unpaid nanny. He can't expect you to do the work if you're not there. And tell his family and whoever else is whispering things to knock it off and mind their own darn business. The nonsense about "if a girl gets with a guy who has a child..." is utter crap. How about "if a guy has a child he should assume his responsibilities"?

Stand up for yourself because nobody else will.

Ela's picture

Thank you for your answers.

Thats what I am recently doing. If I know kid will be here and if I am able  - I am working that day or doing something else. 

Winterglow's picture

Good for you. If you feel guilty (and you shouldn't), remind yourself that he's never going to learn to look after his son if other people do it for him. 

Ela's picture

I tried to talk many timed in a nice way with him..always ending up fighting when it comes to this topic and when he becomes ironic. Once he said: I wilö go to supermarket to buy food. And he was putting clothes on his son. i said: so leave him with me it will be faster. He: no,I will take my responsibility with myself...

 

Rags's picture

This visceral reaction to your SKid is not unusual.  I went through it early in my relationship with my incredible bride of 26+ years and counting.

At some level it is not natural to have and raise someone else's child in your home and life.  
 

I was watching  Animal Planet special on Lions when it dawned on me.   A male lion will kill the young cubs of their predecessor when they take over a pride.  This does two things.  It allows for the pride's efforts and resources to focus on raising the new make's progeny.   It  also puts the females into estris so the new lion can sow his genetic seed.

At that time I was having what I can only describe asa visceral revulsion to my then GF's toddler.  
 

When that light bulb went off in my head I was able to deal with my reaction to my SS's presence in a positive way rather than allowing it to stew.

I knew that she is the one I wanted to make a life with and for that to happen I owed it to myself, her, and the SKid to be all in as her partner and as his dad.  The feelings I had been struggling with were not rational.  I enjoyed the kid, he and I had fun together.  The three of us were already well on the oath to being a family.   My visceral revulsion of  SS could not stand.  I would not allow it to.  
 

So I made a change.  I would hold his hand or put him on my shoulders as we walked anywhere, she and I would swing him between us on hikes, I would chase ducks around the golf course and lake with him.  I invested in making memories together with him.  20 years later he asked me to adopt him.  We made that happen.

IMHO if you cannot accept this man and his child and invest in both the adult relationship and a relationship with the kid, do them and yourself a favor and move on.  Your happiness is worth to much to waste it on a situation that you have a visceral revulsion to.

Good luck.