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Changing Custody Agreement

Ayemee's picture

Hello everyone, my boyfriend has had a custody agreement with his ex for a few years now where he keeps the child every other weekend. As of lately, we are wanting to change it. He now works on the weekends (where he goes to school during the weekdays), and we want to change it where...instead of every other weekend we have him, we take him out once a week and then return him that very day. We are afraid the mom isn't going to like it. However, there's not much else we can do because we cannot afford babysitting and we take the child to my boyfriend's parents which isn't the best environment. (Grandfather likes to drink, smoke and curse a lot in the house). House is also not very clean.

If the mom were to say she doesn't agree with this (she's the custodial parent), would we be at fault for telling her we cannot follow the current agreement and would have to start doing the once a week agreement? Since she's the custodial parent at all, I don't think we would, but I wanted to make sure. If we have to, we'll go to mediation and sort it out, but that may take a few weeks so we would have to stick with the once a week schedule. Also...do you think the court would deny our once a week agreement? At the moment, we have a two bedroom house, but will be moving in a few months to a one bedroom because that's what we can afford. And also the whole babysitting issue.

Thanks everyone!

Ayemee's picture

The child is 8. I am 24 and my bf is 27. It may be more than a couple of hours, but that would sum up the amount of time we'd have doing the every other weekend. It would be more one-on-one time. Plus I have had issues with the child being disrespectful in our house, which makes me very tense and uncomfortable. Which is why I try to prevent overnights...especially as we will be moving into a one bedroom. We also live thirty minutes away and will be living an hour away after the move.

twoviewpoints's picture

Ayemee's introduction post:

https://www.steptalk.org/node/243035

To today's post, Ayemee, you really need to think about this guy long and hard. Not sure who is pushing what, whether you're trying to push the kid out or if Dad just isn't all that into being a father.

You've been at this since age 18. Ayemee, you are the ripe old age of 24. You've got ten years at the least to go with this child (if his father doesn't completely dump the kid) and you've taken up with a guy who has made you old before your time. He's also shown you exactly what kind of father he'd be if you decide you want children of your own some day.

Anyway, there's no guarantee your boyfriend would get the evening a week he wants, he may get one evening assigned and Jr may already be signed up for football that evening. And really, is it seriously "quality" time to take the kid to dinner for a few hours one night a week per month. That's like twelve hours a month with part of it sitting in a restaurant with a chair attached to your butt. Or perhaps sitting next to the kid in a darken theater (no real talk time).

Ayemee's picture

Well, unfortunately he's more concerned with being his friend then a parental figure. So...this is what I have proposed for us so we may maintain a healthy relationship. It sucks, but it's something that is bound to happen anyway, with us living in a one bedroom. The child already has a main place he calls home, I want my home to be ours...not littered with toys, boogers on walls, dirty handprints, etc. If he stays at our house, I get really tense and want to lash out. Unfortunately, I am young and selfish, and this is the only way I can see my bf and I staying together long term. My boyfriend respects the fact that his child is not my child, and the father will still remain in his life and still go out together. But my home is my safe haven. One day when we move away (after school), the child will be able to come for summer and christmas for perhaps a week or two, so of course I would allow overnights then.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

"Well, unfortunately he's more concerned with being his friend then a parental figure."

This spells doom. If he chooses not to parent, and the kid sticks around, he'll be completely out of control. Guess what? Then he'll NEVER leave, because he's never had to learn responsibility or independence. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

PLEASE think about this. You're WAY too young to be carrying someone else's baggage, especially when you don't even have your own.

Ayemee's picture

I have tried telling the father to discipline, rather than be a friend, but I guess since the child isn't with us a lot, he doesn't want to do the not so fun parenting part (aka discipline). Which I get...which is why I say if he wants that, the child can stay removed from our house, except for certain days where we may have dinner or watch a movie. Most of the time he will be taking him out places. The kid has so much energy, so being around our house isn't a good idea to me. I also understand that I am willing to put up with less since the child is NOT my own child, so I can be really strict. So it feels like I am the bad cop all the time.

I understand I am young, but at the same time, my bf and I have split up for half a year and realized we really do love each other and can overcome anything. My bf says himself he isn't ready to be a full-time parent or even part-time at the time being, as we are both young. I told my bf I would never allow the child to permanently live with us (like when he's older) unless I have a serious change of mind. So my bf knows my thoughts and respects them. I am not trying to take the father away from the child, only trying to keep my home my home, where I don't have to hide out. And that way, they can actually do things together (Father and son) because when we're at home, it's mostly just video games because that's all the kid is interested in.

Mrs.Marvel's picture

"he isn't ready to be a full-time parent or even part-time at the time being". This isn't about him being "ready". It's about doing what's right. Bm did not get pregant on her own; he also played a role in that, and his son was the result. 

He's is DAD, and he deserves to see him. This child isn't your own, and i agree that you shouldn't be the one to parent him. THAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND'S JOB! 

"the child can stay removed from our house, except for certain days where we may have dinner or watch a movie", so he gets to see his dad.... once a week?? I'm sorry, but it does sound like you're trying to seperate his son from his dad, and to an 8 year old, that's probably what it's going to look like. 

As I said in my other comment in your other post, I have no respect for your boyfriend at all. Poor little guy.

Change the co, at least he will get to be with Bm, someone to actually wants to see him. 

 

wickedcool stepmum's picture

this is a sh*tshow to be honest.

How can you love someone that cant' be bothered with their own child and how can you expect that someone you love have such little contact with their child?

24... Jeeeeeezuz, if I had my time again from 24.

You're not going to leave him though.

I feel sorry for this little guy.

Raggles's picture

Yeah i feel sorry for the child.
He probably doesnt want to come to his dads house and put up with you.

go for the custody change i bet the BM will be glad her child doesnt have to spend time with a father that isnt interested and a SM that dislikes the child.

I know i would!

Rags's picture

The one advantage that the NCP has is that the NCP does not have to take their visitation. So, your SO can take the kid anytime your SO wants his kid in compliance with his CO'd time. If he doesn't want to take his visitation... he doesn't have to.

I would suggest that your SO go back to court to get the visitation schedule refreshed to be usable while he is working and in school. Once he graduates and starts a new career he can go back and get it changed again.

There is no guarantee a Judge will change it... but regardless... he doesnt have to take his visitation. When he chooses to take it... the CP must deliver the kid or SO can file a contempt motion. If the NCP doesn't take their visitation... the CP is still on the hook for caring for the kid.

So... SO can leverage this as he wishes within the limits of his CO'd visitation time.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.