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bio mom yelling at stepmom

sparkygirl's picture

I have really struggled with being a part of a blended family. My parents, paternal and paternal grandparents have all been married for 30 to 60 years. I have no experience or understanding of divorce. I have known my husband as a friend for 10 years and 6 years ago during his separation we became close friends. We started dating after his divorce was finalized and were married about 10 months later.

This week was the straw that broke the camels back. Bio mom has yelled at me three times in the past year, taking her anger and frustration out of me, where I feel that she is ready to physically harm me if given the chance. All three situations were the direct result of lies that her children had told her.

For example the skids (9 and 11) must wear clothing back that has come from their mom's house. This was initated a year and a half ago when I would spend $500 on clothing for the kids and then turn around a month later and be spending another $300 because their clothes at their mom's house don't fit. (My DH the skids bf is a stay at home dad so I am financially responsible for all expenses in our home) Custody is joint physical and legal 50/50 split each week with no child support from either parent. BM was concerned that kids would wear the same outfit on wednesday and friday of the same week. I avoided this by laying the kids clothes out each evening before transition day.

This past thursday evening I did just that, set out outfits for each child. The 11 year old in a typical manner whined to DH that the clothes from mom's house did not fit, (but she still had worn them over to our house without a problem.) So he let her change, well she changed into the outfit she had just worn on Wednesday. the 9 year old I had also set out his clothes, well he decided to change his shirt to the same one he had worn on wednesday. I left for work at 6am on Friday morning so I have no idea what clothes they actually left in. I get home from work, find the clothing I had set out still on SS bed and tell DH, BM is going to be mad.

Within an hour BM called DH he told her what had happened and then she asked to speak with me. She started yelling at me that this had to end, that I was being unfair. I told her a) do not yell at me, b) I set out clothes just as we had agreed, c) her children choose the same outfits and d) lied to you about it blaming me for "forcing them to wear the same clothes" per BM.

I have routinely become the scapegoat for the skids to their mom, I am to blame for everything when I have done nothing wrong. As I said this was the third time in 8 months that bm has yelled at me. I wrote an e-mail to bio mom that I no longer will be meeting with her in person and talking with her on the phone. Her behavior is unacceptable and I will no longer tolerate the abuse both emotional and verbal.

I don't think DH at all understands the emotional roller coaster I live with his children. I live in fear and anxiety of his ex wife which in turn is destroying my relationship with my own daughter (8 months), my husband and any positive interaction with the skids. I am ready to just stop trying. It hurts to much to love two children, to want to see them succeed and then be stabbed in the back.

NancyL's picture

" (My DH the skids bf is a stay at home dad so I am financially responsible for all expenses in our home)"

How did he manage to get that sweet deal? It would never occur to me to support a guy and his family.

Most Evil's picture

OMG! a. DH needs to be the only one who talks with his ex beyotch - you, never!! and b. stay at home dad???? why are you taking complete responsibility for this whole family dear? he needs to contribute FINANCIALLY too. There is way too big of a burden and expectation on you, no wonder you are stressed. HUGS

HadEnoughx5's picture

Your response to BM was a great response. You set boundaries to her game playing. It sounds like you and the skids are the "chess pieces" to her game. I know because I've been there, just like you.

My husband bought his kids clothes for our home, he wanted them to feel like they were not visiting his home. He would buy full wardrobes and before he knew it, he had a full wardrobe of BM's small, crappy looking clothes. He would then buy more clothes until I helped him see the light.

I then made a "BM closet" for the skids and they got to pick out what they wanted to wear back to BM's (they were her clothes). BM got so pissed that she was unable to manipulate the situation and found new ways.

Please get the DVD "Welcome Back Pluto" it's about parental alienation. It helps you understand and prevent the problem. You may see other things that are happening with the skids and BM.

The skids are doing what BM is telling them to do by wearing the small clothing. My skids told me their BM made them wear the small clothes to our home. I've taken the small clothes out of play for BM. Iv'e actually consigned them and made money off her stupidity. If they go home in the clothes they came in....oh well. Their not being harmed, abused and it's not affecting their health. Don't get caught up in BM's psychological warfare. As long as the clothes are clean, no harm is being done.

When she contacts your husband, he can say "the kids went home in the same clothes because they say the clothes you gave them don't fit. So, since they don't fit we got rid of them for you. Next time, be sure to send them clothes that they will wear and fit properly"

If she doesn't get the message, keep the boundary and keep getting rid of the clothes.

Be prepared for another obstecle. BM's like that are always thinking about there next move.

When I read the part about having family that has been married for years and you're not used to divorce,I think what it is, is we are not used to people who get off on using their children to manipulate other people. I love my skids too and I can not for the life of me wonder why someone would do what they do.

Jsmom's picture

Man - your husband has a sweet set up. Honestly, you should have no communication with her at all. I never deal with BM, because the two times I tried were a disaster. Now my DH has no communication with her other than email or text since they can not communicate without yelling. Why the hell are you paying CS for his kids. There is no way I would give a dime to BM.

You need to defer all conversations with her to him. Stop buying them clothes if they are lying about you. Goodwill and Salvation Army will do fine, since they can not be trusted.

You need to teach them how to treat you....

Oi Vey's picture

You don't speak with her. She is your DH's EX; let him deal with her.
If she asks to speak with you, you "just say no." It will make your life so much simpler Smile

simifan's picture

As many on the BM's are fond of saying here... you didn't sleep with her, so you don't have to speask to her. }:)

unbelieveable's picture

Dear Lord. Why must we have all of these issues with clothing? Sometimes I am super dumb and send them home in clothes from their wardrode here that I bought...which I A: Never see again...or B: they come back with holes or ruined. is now simple...Whatever they come in - they go home in...We have them every weekend...So Friday...I change their clothes...put them in something from here...their clothes are washed and they go home in what they came in no matter WHAT it looks like. I have racked up my credit cards in clothes and shoes to make sure these kids don't look like little dirts when they are with us...and I refuse to do it anymore. And sure - sometimes they pull the, "Ohh these jeans are too small.." - oh well...your mother sent you here in are wearing them home to her and you can tell her they are too small. TOUGH SH*T! save yourself the hassle - tell DH that's the way it is - and if he doesn't like he - he can buy their clothes. This way you have them later when they are too small - and you can ebay them in lots and get some of your hard earned money back...and buy something nice with it!

stepwife's picture

:jawdrop: Ummm, why are you supporting a man and HIS kids? No sex is that good. I'm certainly not meaning any offense to your choice, just offering some sincere compassion for your situation.

My SD's BM sends her over in clothes that are way too sexy for a 9yr old to be wearing. She does it just to piss me off because I do not allow her to dress above her age. She came home from school last week in a mini skirt and flip flops. If she bent over, I would've been seeing her privates and so would her dad, EWWWW. As soon as SD walked in the house, I got on to her telling her that I had already told her she was not allowed to wear that skirt. I made her take it off immediately and threw it in the trash, where it belongs.

iwishyouwould's picture

Your DH needs to start handling all the communications with bm. end of story. That's just ridiculous. I dont know if you all knew eachother before or what but if you are getting yelled at, he needs to step up. Tell him I handle the finances, you handle your ex wife.

chesapeakegurl's picture

My husband's ex is a screamer also. She actually went ballistic in a public place at me and my husband. I had a camera with me and took 215 pictures of her acting like a loon. Whenever she does not get her way she screams at us.
I have decided that no matter what I do she cannot take my joy. I have my own 12 yo daughter who is a joy. We are taking hip hop dancing lessons tohether(mind you I have no idea how to hip hop dance so this should be good for laughts).
I buy myself whatever I want withing reason to be happen.
I went on vacation with a girlfriend and went to Florida to swim with the manatees.
Doing these things are the only way I can keep my sanity.

Gabriels Mom's picture

I think there is no real issue with clothing I think it's just a way to make DH pay for leaving her and me pay for marrying him and having a baby with him. I allowed SS to wear one of DH's shirts last week.(I bought it a little too small) Anyway I told SS that he HAD to bring it back. I figured the shirt was lost once it went out the door, DH doesn't wear it anyway...IT CAME BACK! I told SS thank you for making sure it came back. He said "I had to fight my mom to take it back she was going to keep it and give it to stepdad" I said "Oh well I don't want you to fight with your mom" He said "It's okay once I told her you had bought it for dad but let me wear and said it HAD to come back she let me have it" I just kinda laughed and we dropped it. So 1. EWWWE OMG her husband is like really fat and I'm not being mean he is and there is NO WAY that shirt would have fit him. I buy DH's shirts a little small because he's muscular and looks good in them. 2. She probably gave it up because if she hadn't I would have gone over there and I've done it before when she kept forgetting to make him wear his medically necessary insoles. I went over there and banged on her door and got them.

Orchid91's picture

We have the clothes issue too. I took ss to have his feet measured, bm was putting him in shoes a size to small. Dh text her to notify her of the size. She argued that it was wrong. Anyway this weekend bm sends him in shoes 2 sizes to small! Dh threw them away. She kicked off saying he had to replace them. He said I have bought him new shoes to wear while he is here. I am giving you cs today, I suggest you buy him some with that. To which she replied 'you're such a good dad' (sense the sarcasm). He replied 'you're such a good sizes to small'. Petty but true. She didn't text back. We are now not letting ss go home in clothes we buy him as it seems she just uses those instead of buying new clothes for him.

The previous posters are right. You shouldn't even talk to her. Thats dh's job!

NJStepmom's picture

She sounds like my guys ex-wife... sorry I don't know the lingo here... what is "ss"?

DH = Divorced Husband?
BM = Birth mother?

StepKidto3Momto3's picture

*darling husband

Or depending on your mood

*d a m n husband

bcvgdg's picture

I am to blame for everything when I have done nothing wrong. As I said this was the third time in 8 months that bm has yelled at me. I wrote an e-mail to bio mom that I no longer will be meeting with her in person and talking with her on the phone.

employment agency :sick: