You are here

(quick question) does family court care about these issues?

mangomom's picture
Forums: 

Just quickly wondered if anyone had been to family court and had these issues come up:

1. medical care
BM has ignored emergency medical symptoms and refuses to get routine care for SD. BM didn't take SD to the dentist or dr for years at a time, sometimes resulting in medical/dental problems for SD.

2. Hygiene
BM keeps making SD do her own laundry and as a result she wears dirty clothes all the time.
BM does not make SD wear socks so she smells awful every day and ruins her shoes.

mangomom's picture

12. the divorce was when she was 3, and BM hasn't provided adequate medical care during that time. So its going on 8 years of problems caused by BM now, like severe cavities and having to get tons of vaccinations at once to catch up on the schedule. She had stroke symptoms one day (it was really scary) and no one took her to the dr.

We got more time with her each week over the past year via mediation- thats the only reason we could really take her to get things like the regular check ups and catch up vaccines for school. BM still will not use her time to take SD to the dentist or dr. They split the cost no matter who takes her so it isn't a problem of money.

mangomom's picture

oh yeah, forgot to mention w/the hygiene, BM has a lot of dogs and she won't clean up their feces for months so their yard is just filled with them. The dogs injured SD once (and again no dr visit or anything).

just.his.wife's picture

The medical neglect they will care about. You need to document. At 12 SD should be doing her own laundry... her dad needs to have a sit down with her on hygeine.

tweetybird74's picture

I agree they will care about the hygiene and where I am from Dental neglect is considered quite serious by Children's Aid, if there is also proof that she was injured and required a doctor's visit and was not taken this is also quite serious. I do not think they will give to much credence to dirty clothes if SD is expected to do her own laundry. My SS has been doing his own since he was 12, he knows to sort colours from whites, what can or cannot go in the dryer etc. If BM will not show her how to do laundry properly then DH needs to. I showed my step son how to do it but that is just cause he as me how to do everything since his dad is no domestic goddess when it comes to house work.

Orange County Ca's picture

Dad can file for full custody and subpoene in the medical records especially the dental and the symptoms of a stroke.

mangomom's picture

Different kids are ready for things at different times. I don't really care when any of you (or your kids or siblings) started to do you own laundry, she isn't ready for it. That is just who she is, she has trouble with getting organized in general. BM and her boyfriend have been making her wear dirty clothes for quite awhile now (more than a year) because they are simply unwilling to help her with much of anything.

And besides, there is a clause in their mediation agreement about this problem and BM agreed to help her establish hygiene habits and only give chores that she can realistically do.

I hope that didn't make me sound ungrateful for the help you all have given. I am glad to hear that the court cares about medical neglect. Really, really glad. It seems like something that would matter, but you never know with family court. So much seems to rest on what a judge feels. We do (luckily) have plenty of documentation of the problems and lack of visits.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

I agree on the laundry issues. My big boys (SSs) did not do laundry until they were about 16-17. In fact, I just did my SS's laundry yesterday and he is 18 (as a favor since he was working 12 hour shifts). I don't want my machines messed up and clothes bled on. I really don't even like them touching the stove!

tweetybird74's picture

Ok well I am not sure why type of clause is in the agreement, but if that is the case them BM needs to ensure she can do her laundry and help her with it. And in addition when she is with you and DH, then DH can show her how to do laundry. Teaching children how to look after their own hygiene is very important, I am thinking BM has not put much effort or really cares to much about that type of things and if so she should not have this child living with her.

mangomom's picture

She knows how to do it, she just can't keep up with it as a chore. It gets totally overwhelming then and she needs help, etc. Its an organizing thing.

tweetybird74's picture

My SS had this issues as well, with needing constant reminding etc. Fortunatley his need to impress his friends and not go to school smelling like BO etc kicked in and he does his laundry once a week without any reminders needed. He only has 3 chores, filling and emptying the dishwasher (he sucks at it), cleaning the cat litter box and his laundry. After him living with us for 8 years we still have to remind him to do the dishes and clean the cat litter box almost everyday! It is just not a priority for them! And is a constant job for the parents to keep reminding them...urgh

my.kids.mom's picture

The only thing they will care about medical-wise is if you have documentation that something was wrong and she wasn't treated for it. Same thing on the dental...some kids have cavities every visit, every six months. If she required teeth pulling or something serious, it's another story. Or if she complained of tooth pain and never went to the dentist...THAT'S what they will care about.

There is no law saying kids have to go to the doctor every year. Kids also don't have to get shots. I know this because we don't vaccinate, nor do we go to "well child" exams. I couldn't tell you the last time my kids went to the doctor because they were sick. As a matter of fact, my son had a bad earache at 2 am and when we called the help line, the nurse advised us what to do until morning (warm olive oil) and the next morning I got a clove of garlic to put in his ear. Ear pain went away and never required a dr.

When a sm makes mountains out of mole hills, it's usually because she is trying to build a case. Just make sure you have real issues to build it on.

Did the stroke symptoms follow all the shots she got?

mangomom's picture

No the stroke thing was years after her last vaccine, and a year before the catch up shots. She needed them to go to school (or a religious exemption form, one or the other). BM did neither.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

Medical neglect is court issue. If the house is nasty, filthy, hoarders, etc then that is a court issue as well.

mangomom's picture

How dare you call her lazy. You have no idea what her life has been like, no one has taught her the skills to keep up with chores because she lives with hoarders. Do you really think anyone else would come out of that with great hygiene and organizational skills? Of course not. You are talking about her like she is out to be greedy or lazy but it just isn't what she is like at all. I wish more people here would be saddened that she is so behind her peers because no one took care of her basic needs instead of getting mad at her for failing to do better than the adults tasked with caring for her.

I never gave the impression that I wanted anyones opinion of my SD as a person, so I don't really understand why so many people here are volunteering to tell me.

BSgoinon's picture

Having clean clothes is a part of good hygiene. I don't think anyone is trying to pass judgement on your SD. But simply stating that at age 12, doing ones own laundry is far from asking too much. If she is having such horrible issues with hygiene then it might be a good idea for her to be made responsible for doing this chore. You can not compare one child to the next (my 10yo does her own laundry) but there has to be a point that a child learns to do these things on her own.

It is her parents responsibility to TEACH her these things. If BM isn't teaching her, but just expecting it to happen then she should not be the custodial parent. How does SD feel about not being with her mom as often so you and your DH can help her with these things?