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In the process of finding an attorney and figuring out how to go about this...

soon2bestepmum's picture
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I joined this forum not too long ago, and posted in General to sort of introduce myself. I gave a very brief overview of my situation, and the responses... I will admit, scared me off at first. Here's our story...

I met my fiance in Sept of 2007, started dating in Dec of 2007 and moved in with him in December of 2008. We have 2 kids between the 2 of us, my daughter is 2 and she is from a previous relationship and his daughter is 3 and is from his previous marriage. When I moved in, they had a 2 week on 2 week off arrangement. Bio mom moved 2 hours away to live with her parents after they divorced, and has been living up there ever since. She kept promising him that she would move back into town so that SD could go to school there and so that they could co-parent effectively, but has totally changed her tune. She says that she hates it here and she will never move back, and to just deal with it.

Their divorce documents were handled by some legal aid clerk that bio mom found to help her fill out the documents, and my fiance, STUPIDLY (and he totally sees this for what it is now, he was just grief stricken when this was going on), just signed and had them sent in and stamped. It says in those documents, that custody is split 50/50 and the child spends an equal amount of her time with both parents. It also states that my fiance pays $425 in child support. He has been paying since, half on the 1st of the month and half on the 15th. There is no mention of any kind of schedule when it comes to custody of their daughter... nothing.

Since I've moved in, I think that it is fair to say that we have had SD in our care 70 to 80% of the time, as a whole. In the last few months, it has been 80% to 90% of the time. In June, she saw SD for 4 days total, that entire month. The straw that broke the camel's back was 2 weeks ago, when bio mom dropped SD off with us "indefinitely", because she got into a spat with her parents and can't mooch off of them anymore. She has to find her own place, which will never happen. She moved in with some boyfriend of hers, that she has been seeing for a couple of months. She can't keep SD there, probably because this guy doesn't want the child around for any length of time and because she wants to do her own thing and it isn't convenient to have SD around.

We do not want SD staying up there, anyway. We can provide her with so much more than bio mom can, and we have had her here primarily as it is and can't bare the thought of having SD here for months and then having bio mom just come and cart her up there to stay with god knows who. When she was living with her parents, SD had no room of her own, not even her own bed to sleep in. There wasn't enough space for everyone. She has those things here, and so much more.

We had our first free consultation with a family law attorney yesterday (we're going to talk to more than 1 before we hire someone). He thinks that we have a good case, that we shouldn't be paying her a dime in child support and that we need to go through a private attorney. We would love to settle this outside of court, through private mediation? The only way that bio mom would have any way to stick it to us, is if she went through legal aid... and I'm not sure how legal aid works. I've heard horror stories from members here. She really does not have much of a case, and on paper it is very clear that my fiance is in a better position to care for his daughter. The thing that really stands out to us, though, is the fact that she has NO interest in having her daughter with her for any real length of time. At all. Never has.

So we think that maybe, just maybe, if we are really careful and go into this with the right approach we could reach our goal... primary physical custody and THEN go for the child support reduction. Bio mom has said herself, that she thinks SD is better off here, and that she is considering just allowing SD to live with us. The lawyer was very clear about the fact that we tackle the custody issue first, and we do not have the child support play any part in that... he was very honest about how that system works, and how it favors the bio mom.

Oh, and just to clarify, I know that this is my fiance's battle, not mine. It's his child... well, their child. I feel very grateful though, that my fiance acknowledges that this is about me, too, and wants me to hold his hand through this entire process.

This was mainly a vent, but of course first hand experience and advice would be very helpful. We are very aware that this can be dangerous financially and do NOT want to go to court. We haven't done anything, yet, we want to go into this level headed and prepared.

Orange County Ca's picture

Sounds like you can reach an agreement with her without using an attorney. Then once the agreement is struck you can have an attorney make it legal.

Your best bet on co-operation is to bribe her. Tell her that she'll continue to receive child support because you "know she'll need help in getting settled". But only if she agrees to sign the legal papers. And of course the legal papers will end child support. Then after the agreed amount of time "child support" ends.

Having taken money from obligates her to go along with the plan.

Then next year you can sue her for support after the kid is well settled and doing well.

When I say "you" of course it'll be him doing all of this.

*********************

There's an exception to everything I say.

Crizzle's picture

primary physical custody BM will have to pay YOU child support. And I don't see why he's paying any child support now is for 50/50 time with the parents. There should be no child support at all in that arrangement. You definitely need to get the attorney and show him the legal docs showing the 50/50 arrangement. Make sure you write down dates of every time she sees the child and for how long. Write down days she returns the child every time and as far back as you can remember. We had to do this stuff with phone calls and everything. How often she called and how long she talked. blah blah blah. It's very annoying, but it payed off in the end. BM not having a home of her own is grounds enough for the father to become primary custodian. That worked in our advantage too. Keep notes of everything, about jobs, moves, visits, phone calls, EVERYTHING. I bought a big desk calendar that had lines on it and used it just for that. You can get them at wal-mart or office depot or staples. Any office supply store. It gets annoying, but I think it will prove be advantageous for you.

Good luck. I hope you will keep us updated.

"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me."

soon2bestepmum's picture

I did start documenting about 2 months ago. I keep a journal and I date everything. And I agree with you about the child support, but I know that in my state it is a calculation of both incomes and time spent with the child... bio mom doesn't make as much $, because she works maybe 20 hours a week and makes minimum wage, so even in a 50/50 arrangement my fiance has to pay support. It's to balance things out, so that the child can't live like a king in one home and live poor in the other home. I'm not sure if the # she asked for is what he should be paying, since he didn't handle the divorce well at all and didn't have an attorney go through it all with him. The lawyer we spoke to did see the documents and he did tell us that if we have primary physical custody that we won't be paying her anything... if my fiance were a doctor and she were a waitress, we could be paying for her to take the child every other weekend in this state... but in most cases that wouldn't happen.

soon2bestepmum's picture

We got a phone call from bio mom this past weekend, and she announced that she is pregnant again and that she has decided that SD needs to live with us. She is living with her boyfriend of 2 mos, 2 hours away, and she says that this is going to be very tough on her and she can't have SD up there at this point... and that she realizes that it's what's in SD's best interest and that they can't bounce her around like this anymore. She even acknowledged that fiance should not be paying CS any longer, since SD is going to be living here full time. That money should be going towards things like preschool tuition, clothes and shoes for SD, and things that she needs here. There was no real talk about weekend visits, or anything of that nature. Right now she is broke, knocked up, and in a real pinch... and even before all of this happened, she wasn't too keen on having SD around for any real length of time.

Fiance wants to see if he can settle this easily with bio mom, since she has been so cooperative, and if she gives us any trouble, or wigs out when asked about changing the court documents... we will know that we need to put up the retainer for the attorney and get it done the hard way. I am still really nervous about how this is going to play out.

I think this is in SD's best interest, and we're happy to take her, but I do feel sorry for her. Bio mom is such a poor excuse for a mom, and she's bringing another child into this world when she can't even take care of the one she already has!