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Parenting Plan: BM Playing Games

Urban Fox Mom3's picture

When my husband split from BM, he was far too trusting that she had everyone’s best interests in mind and allowed her to dictate the parenting plan almost without his input. This has proven difficult for us since then (2 years and counting), as BM wields the parenting plan like a dictator anytime she doesn’t approve of something we are doing or has demands, but then skirts around that very same plan when it suites her. For us it is a hard and fast rule of law, for her it is a fluid guideline and she does as she pleases. Recently, she informed us she is taking SD out of state for a long weekend but will not tell us where they are going. In the past she has demanded we tell her where we are if we are traveling with SD and we have always been accommodating. It is not written as a requirement in the parenting plan but again, this is an example of her making demands on us and then acting as though we are being outraging and “harassing her” by asking that she please just tell us where they are going.

I would love help with the following:

1. She is traveling out of state with SD this Friday, is there anything we can do to force this situation and get her to tell us where they are going?

2. Advice on moving forward with legal preparations to go back to mediation or court to rewrite the parenting plan so we have a more equitable level of control when it comes to parenting and working with BM. 

Help is so appreciated! I’m up in the middle of the night worrying about this!

Letti.R's picture

Starting with 2, I would suggest you ask for inputs from people here as to what needs to be included in the parenting plan - keeping in mind that it applies to both parents.
See if you can get a CS review as well, incluidng  the terms under which it is reviewed.
Most importantly be clear on all costs your DH is responsible for with CS.
What it covers.
Anything else would be optional and not a requirement to pay.
(As in BM signing up SD to various activities and you needing to pay.)

Then on 1 or  where they are going.
If there is no requirement for BM to tell you, why force the issue?
If you were "accommodating" and told BM in the past, there still is no reason that she has to be forced to tell you where she is going on her time.
Not unless the CO explicitly states that she is required  to.
When you deal with sane ex's there is no need to plan for every eventuality.
When you don't,  well now you end up playing silly buggers over unneccessary issues.
If you aren't required to do something under  the current CO, then don't.
Your previous accommodation of BMs demands got you to where you are now.
BM is correct: Use the CO as if cast in stone and don't waiver from the requirements.
Only now it is time for you to apply the same.
(As well as get it reworked.)

BM wants to play unfair hard ball.
Time for you to understand the rules of the game and play the same way.

Best advice  to you: make sure your SO owns the majority share of the issues relating to SD and BM.
This isn't your fight or for you to wave the flag on,  whilst your SO takes a back seat.
If you do, you are in for a world of hurt and frustration.

tog redux's picture

My biggest piece of advice would be: stop making this your problem as much as possible. I lost years of my life worrying about exactly this kind of stuff to no avail. 

DH had no luck in addressing all of this stuff with BM through courts or therapists or anyone. She did exactly all of these things and got away with all of it.  She also spun it so hard that SS always believed that DH was the problem. He was so "controlling". When he enforced the court order, he was "controlling" her.  When she did, it was her legal right.  She is disordered and impossible to deal with.  We spent 50K trying to address these issues and not only lost every damn time (because she was so good at the spin), SS ended up entirely alienated from DH for over 3 years.

So, back to point #1 - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.  If I could go back, I'd advise DH to let little stuff like this go (is she going to kill the kid? No. Is she going to move away forever with no forwarding address? Maybe, but she could do that even if she lied and told you a place she was going).  It's enormously frustrating to see someone get away with crap like this, but my DH made himself look like the problem when he tried to fight everything.  And my advice to myself would be, if I could go back: stop making this your problem. It's not.

Rags's picture

You can no more force her to tell you what she is doing with her kid during her time than you and DH can during  your time with DH's kid though it is the same kid.  

We never told the SpermClan what we did with SS nor where we did it.  With one exception.  We took a holiday trip to my parents home in the Middle East. That was during a multi-year period when they did not take any visitation.  All we asked was if they were taking their winter visitation, their answer was no, so we booked the trip.  We told them about it on the way to the airport.  We were gone a month, they freaked.  We did't care that they freaked.  They didn't take their Spring or Summer visitaitons after that either.

The CO is only as firm as either party is willing to enforce.  If you want to make it a rule of law then keep it rolled up and smack the crap out of BM with it when she deviates.  Regardless of what  you and DH choose to do, she can do as she chooses during her time as long as she does not deviate from the CO.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

It is a wonderful picture, but you need anonymity on this site. You don't want to run the risk of BM finding you here.