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Husband has 50/50 - FML

catygrace's picture
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So my husband has 50/50 and travels for work a lot so for a while he was only having the kids one week a month. He has 4 kids (three girls 16, 10, 9, one boy 12). He recently started back at 50/50 and it’s summer break. I am going f*cking insane. I work from home and am constantly being bothered by his kids who are lazy and just want to eat all day and play videos games and watch tv. Their mother does not want them more than 50/50 even though she is getting “child support” for her EQUAL amount of time w them. She does not work. She married her best friend’s husband and put the kids in this awful situation to begin with and I feel like I’m suffering for her bad choices. I met my husband a year after his divorce and the kids  seemed to be a bit of a handful but it wasn’t anything I felt I couldn’t Marry him because of. Now, it’s terrible because of the way their stepdad intervenes in co-parenting and their mom is jealous of me because I am 10 years younger and she looks like white trash - not conceited but it’s the only reason she would hate me. 

Anyway, we’ve been together for over 3 years (married for 1) and I’m at my wits end. I find myself hoping he loses custody of them. I yell at him about their behavior and I’m constantly telling him to give up his 50/50 rights. Well, their mother is planning on moving 50 miles away and there’s no way my husband can drive to and from their new school everyday. He wants to fight her on it but I’m secretly hoping she wins so we won’t have to have the kids as much. I feel so guilty for it but I feel that it will save our marriage. I also would like kids of my own and as long as he has 50/50 there’s no way that will ever happen.  Someone please make me feel better about this lol

Harry's picture

From home then DH should arrange child care someplace else.  You can’t work from home and take care of kids

Kes's picture

If you work from home, I agree with Harry - childcare should definitely NOT be your responsibility.  It doesn't matter that he travels for work a lot - you should not be left to pick up the slack. 4 kids is a massive undertaking.  

sybarite's picture
  1. Seconding the people who already replied.
  2. "his kids who are lazy and just want to eat all day and play videos games and watch tv" OK. House rule they can only do that in their rooms. Give them each a snack bin. Their snacks go into their bin that goes into their room. Resulting trash goes into the same bin. What are snacks? Apples, chips, bars, whatever. If skids eat outside their room, leave trash outside their room, they lose their snack bin until next custody visit. Ditto for devices. They can play video games, watch YouTube, but only in their room, and only with headphones on. Skids use devices outside their rooms; their devices are confiscated until next custody visit. If it's BM's devices, then return those devices to BM's house and state that her things stay at her home.
  3. No contact with BM. Block her. If that doesn't work, change your phone number and email address.
  4. If this continues to be a problem, you or the children need to be at some other home when it's custody visit time.

I'm in a similar situation and a few years later and guess what? I don't want children. Period.

justmakingthebest's picture

Ewwww..... I would not ever allow food in bedrooms.

Also, she didn't say BM was harassing her or anything 

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree with the other's- It sounds like your biggest problem is the fact that you work from home and are expected to care for the kids as well as work. Everyone who has ever worked from home knows that is not a real option. Kids need a day camp this summer. 6am-6pm. You guys get dinner, a couple of hours in the evening and then it is bedtime- of course weekends will be a thing. But I think that having the every day all day burden lifted from you will make you much happier.

SM12's picture

i too work from home.   And I was in your exact position 5 years ago.   When DH and I met I loved an hour away from him and the Ss’s.   I caught on pretty quick that DH was trying to pawn the SS’s off on me.  DH worked weekends and I would come stay with him on weekends.  DH used to have his mom watch the SS”s but started leaving them with me.  Without asking.  First I thought it was just to get us all to know each other.  It wasn’t until I moved to be near him and get married that I caught on.  I bought a house and my BS and I moved.  DH moves in with us.   DH and BM decided (without my input) that since I worked from home I could watch the SS’s all day while they worked.  Then they decided that they should also come everyday after school until BM gets off work.   This caused huge issues.  The SS’s didn’t listen, were loud, messy and treated my BS like crap.  IAnd BM started showing up later and later to pick them up.  I finally snapped and tried to have a civil conversation with BM about her showing up late because it was causing me to be late for things after work.  She went into a rage so I told her I was no longer watching the SS’s ever.  She then told the Ss’s I hate them and they aren’t welcome.  So the SS’s want nothing to do with me and barely DH.   I told DH multiple times I didn’t want to keep the SS’s and couldn’t work and watch them.  He ignored me and kept defending BM.  Finally it came to a head and I packed DH’s bags.  I let him know I was done being used and he could leave.   Things did change and now I only keep the YSS when I feel like it.  YSS is still decent to me so I don’t mind a few days a month.   BM still hates me and refuses to speak to me.  I’m good with that.  

 

My my point is...stand your ground now because it will only get worse and cause you to resent your DH and the kids.  Say no and stick to it.

i also threatened to rent an office to work out of if DH and BM didn’t stop.  Maybe you should consider that

catygrace's picture

Thanks everyone! DH has been pretty good about taking them with him when he has errands. Unfortunately, the kids’ mom decided to move closer to us so my dream of DH no longer having 50/50 won’t be happening. Ugh. 

My issue now is feeling guilty because I refuse to watch them when he has to go out of town for work on most weekends. I usually go with him but sometimes I don’t. Their mother is always bitching that I should be watching them because it’s “his week” and she is busy (she does not work). I just think it’s complete bull shit that she’s getting child support for equally split custody and she doesn’t make a dime of her own. She CHOOSES not to work. Anyone know how to change that via court? Lol

Rags's picture

The only real power an NCP has is the right to decline visitation at will.  If the NCP declines then the CP is stuck with the kid.   Your DH's work schedule is what it is. It is his time and if he is working then there is no requirement that he... or you... take his visitation and that case BM keeps the kid.

As much as she wants to bitch and cry about it... that too is what it is.

There is no reason for you to feel guilty at all.   If you want the kid on DH's time while he is working.... take the kid. If you don't ... then don't take the kid.  Either way BM gets no say.