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Foster Children

Momto2b2s2000's picture
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I am mom to BD5 and BS10. My ex (BDad) is seeking certification as a level 2+ therapeutic foster home. He is single, so he is the only parent/adult in the home. He has about 45% custody (every M/T, EO S/S), while I have 55%. He will be getting a teenage, male, severe case (too severe for DCS to handle the case - contracted through a private provider) foster child. (That seems like a terrible situation especially for my BD5.) What are my legal rights in regards to accepting this situation? Is there anything I can legally do? Parenting plan authorizes joint decisions on medical, school, religion, extra-curriculars. Doesn’t this seem like a major decision that affects my children? I feel like my concerns are being dismissed, and I feel like this is not in the best interest of my young children. Has anyone dealt with this before?

tog redux's picture

Yeah, I'm not sure there is anything you can do.  If you feel strongly about it, you could talk to an attorney and see if she thinks you could take it to Family Court. You'd have to prove the kid was a risk to your daughter, though, which isn't an automatic just because he is male and has behavioral issues. 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Honestly no. Unless your child IS put in harm’s way and even then you’d still have to go to court and might get turned down. In “normal” families a child isn’t removed from the home just because there is another child who is dangerous.  The “dangerous” child is the one who is taken out in extreme cases and that's what will happen here.

I’m not saying you’re a bad parent for being worried. I’m not saying you’re wrong at all but you don’t know what’s going to happen and this isn’t something that you have any say in. The system understands that he has another child in his home and is still proceeding. The teen may come in an be an absolute angel while in the house and a monster in school. This teen might end up your kids best friend willing to take a bullet for them. You can't know and it's not your job to control his home.

STaround's picture

Yes, would immediately call your lawyer.  At a minimum, someone should be asking, does ex work outside the home?  Who is going to supervise all 3 kids?  

The system is likely just wanting to find a home for the teen -- that is their problem.  They are likely overwhelmed with finding homes, they do not care about your kid.  

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Most likely the same person who supervises the two children currently if dad works?

Momto2b2s2000's picture

The father works. The kids are in school. There is a 17-18 yo baby sitter (very sweet girl - but still a high school girl) that babysits regularly and helps with kid pick up. I am not sure what he plans to do during summer break. 

notarelative's picture

The 17-18 year old babysitter may be able to help with the bio kids, but I doubt she would be considered adequate supervision for a foster child in a specialized program like you describe. I can't see her being allowed (by the program) to supervise 2 young children and a teen. Programs like the one you describe do not allow supervision by minors (under 18).

BD is going to training. He's not certified yet. He may never be certified for this program.

Rags's picture

You certainly can file for change of custody % or even to require XDH to visit with your kids out of his home and in a place were the FK is not present, due to the danger to your young minor children caused by XDH's hard case Foster kid.

I would if I were you.

Good luck.

Thumper's picture

Hi OP.

Your ex is going thru CPS certification. Thats it.

He does not have say so on the age of the child who will be assigned to him or short OR long term. He can request a window of ages but trust me that does not mean he will receive his request.  He also has the right to decline a child. AND he also the right to hand a disruptive teen back to CPS in a heartbeat.  Some kids are so troubled they need group homes in a more professional setting.

My best guess is your lawyer will tell you there is nothing you can do unless something happens. I sincerely hate to say that in that manner to you.

Just in case you thought you could, you cant keep his kids from him because he has decided to become a Foster Parent. The court assumes dad will make right decisions.

good luck with everything.

 

 

 

Momto2b2s2000's picture

He is working with a contracted company that takes the cases that are too much for CPS to handle. They only work with teens. He is not working directly with CPS. From what I understand, CPS hands these kids off because they are very troubled, difficult, high need, etc. I definitely intend to get as much information as I can - and soon. Timeline is not immediate, but based on the last conversation I had with him (very civil), he intends to proceed no matter what. 

fourbrats's picture

can't give you anymore information than what you have. Foster parents cannot share the ins and outs or treatment plans for foster children nor can they tell you the child's private information. 

In my experience (years as a CASA), the majority of these children have been labeled as problems because they had inadequate supervision or care at home and the labels come from school or because another foster parent pushed for some labels. I only met three kids you were truly troubled and dangerous. The others were simply labeled as such so that no one had to do any work and actually help them. 

I wouldn't jump to immediately wanting a change in custody (no grounds for it) or reducing dad's time because another child may create a problem. Would you do the same if he remarried and his new wife had older children? 

Momto2b2s2000's picture

Thank you for your response. I’m glad to hear some actual experience that is positive. It seems like everyone knows someone who had a foster child, and all their children ended up being abused. I would like to hear from someone who has young children and has teen foster children in their home. 

The rep for his agency has offered to meet with me. The information I’m interested in pertains to the policies, protocols, etc. for the organization. For example, what kinds of things (“problems”) get a child placed through this agency. What kinds of care demands will the child be expected to have? And what kind of impact will that likely have on the care of my children in a single-parent home? I am not interested in any kind of parental alienation, and XH has quite a bit of contact and interaction with the kids when they are in my home. Also - There is no actual child yet - so of course this all very abstract and hypothetical. I’m just trying to get my bearings on this new situation that is causing quite a bit of concern. 

fourbrats's picture

are considering foster care when youngest graduates in three years and we have two small grandchildren who will still be small and who are with us at least three days per week. I would have very few concerns because I used to work within the system. I actually don't know of one foster child (teen or otherwise) who abused another child in the home and I had several cases where the kids had been severely abused. I also work as a paraeducator now and work with foster and special needs children and wouldn't and don't have a concern with them abusing another child. 

Keep in mind that some of your questions the rep cannot answer...such as level of care. It also sounds like your local CPS farms out kids that they don't want to deal with. I am 100% against private foster care agencies as they are for-profit organizations and their entire goal is to make money for the organization. I would check with the BBB and do some research on the organization and see how they rate within your community. 

Momto2b2s2000's picture

Is there a specific reason that you are waiting for your own children to graduate? 

fourbrats's picture

two very close in age girls at home and they are a handful right now at 15 and almost 17. They don't get along very well and I can't handle anymore teens at this time of my life lol! The older of the two has been my wild child since birth and she is my biggest parenting challenge. Plus I work with kids all day long and then come home to kids and grandkids. It's a lot. I also work a second job part time from home. 

 

STaround's picture

1.  As to comment that the OP's ex may not end up with a teen, OP notes that her ex will be dealing with a private agency.  That agency may only deal with teens.  Even if they deal with children of all ages, many prospective foster parents beg for infants, if they are hoping to adopt.  Other times, with a family member agreeing to be the foster parent, they may prefer K-5 age kids.  Easier to deal with.  Let's be frank, no one wants teens. 

2.  As to comment that his present caregiver will help with kids, easier said than done.   It will be harder to find caregivers, and they may not be able to watch three kids.  If OP is consulting an attorney, she should demand to know how carefivers will work.  I think the anser is not well. 

 

ETA -- and before anyone says you need a village to raise a child, and what I am doing to help, I do volunteer, but i do not put my DC at risk.  I have volunteered as a big sister when I was younger, and I volunteer at our local Y as a chaperone for people who need monitored visitation.   

Momto2b2s2000's picture

Yes - only teens. And it would have to be a male since he is a single man. 

I would be completely FINE with him taking a “level 1” case that is around the same age as my children. I would also be very supportive (although it would be none of my business) if he acted as a “big brother” or a “weekend relief home” (because they do that once per month with the kids in this program) on the days that the children are with me. 

The facts I am struggling with - my daughter is in pre-K. My son is a very small 10 yo. They are very vulnerable - and I can think of lots of instances where kids may be accidentally unsupervised for 5 min or less (and how long would it take to do something horrific to traumatize a child?). XH has never dealt with raising teens (much less “troubled”). 

I think he is likely getting in over his head. I think the case workers and agency people will tell him whatever he needs to hear to get him to do this. I don’t want to wait until something happens to one of my children to do something. 

Maybe a judge would tell me I’m crazy and judge in his favor. But I think I would hate myself if I just sat back and let it go - then something happens. 

I really do feel like a terrible person by stereotyping foster children, and I’m sorry that they have been dealt a TERRIBLE hand. But my first priority is my own kids, in all matters. 

Twix's picture

My mom and my aunt have fostered for a number of years now. My aunt did it first and they adopted my cousins that way and stuck with fostering ever since. When I was a teen I did babysit my toddler cousins and a teenage boy (just in regards to the babysitter questions) but this was about 15 years ago. 

Anyways, my mom still fosters and she only takes teenage girls. Recently she’s taken in a teenage boy (he’s a distant memeber of our family long story). I was worried because she quite often looks after my BS3. This boys backstory is very sad. He’s developmentally delayed, was severely abused and the list goes on. This isn’t the first time she’s taken in a child that has made me uncomfortable with having my BS around. But on the other hand I trust her to handle things. And I have to say the boy has turned out to be such a big sweetheart and he is so good and kind and caring towards BS. 

It’s hard but I think you need to try and place some trust in your ex to do right by your children and realize if a situation is unsafe for your children. I’ve also worked on turning my fears about BS being around “troubled kids” into compassion for these children. 

Oh I also wanted to add that my mom started fostering when I was still living at home attending college. The girls she had at the time lived with her for about 4 years and we all now look at each other as sisters. So I am thankful she took them in. You never know when you might meet more members of your family.