exam times
So I was at a very, very low point when my marriage dissolved and we separated. My ex pressured me for too much time with my BS11 (was younger then) and I was too weak to argue against it and there was a lot of financial abuse, too. He was a very uninvolved father but I agreed to more time than I felt was right. But now that it has been established there is almost no chance the courts would change things around.
To be fair, he has been a more involved father since our split. But the marriage was abusive in lots of little ways and big ways. My ex has political views that I find so hateful as to be abusive (racist, sexist, misogynist, - just about any 'ist' you can imagine) and he doesn't stop talking about it. Anyway there's not much I can do about it. He also has a lot diagnosed mental problems - such as anxiety and depression and I believe him to be on the spectrum as well - but he is not diagnosed - I don't want to get into an argument about whether or not people on the spectrum can be good parents - I will only say that many of his spectrum attributes lead to a parenting deficit. Still - none of this is enough to get a change in custody - I have had legal advice.
My ex is high achieving academically and has a job that reflects that - but he does not make my child do homework as often as he should including 'his weekends' and does not make him do it to a standard that I find acceptable (and I am reasonably laissez faire). My son is entering secondary school this autumn. Since my SS12 is a year ahead of him in school I get a regular window into the expectations the school has and if anything my son's school will have higher expectations. I know that there are year 7 exams at the end of his first year which actually matter. I know that my ex will not make him study (revise) - he says he can't do this because he has a 'complex' because his mother used to hit him on the head if he got spellings wrong. ????
We aren't divorced yet, and need to do a parenting plan. I know it will have to stay at four days for me and three for my ex. But I would like to have a change at least six weeks before major exams meaning I get him an extra day per week. I do not want to trade out these days because basically why should I have to trade out my 'good' days for days when I have to be the 'mean' parent and make my son do his work. (My son is lazy, but bright).
Has anyone had this experience or seen anything like this? I know my ex wants our BS to achieve well, but he's not willing to put the work in to make it happen.
Maybe your son has to fail in
Maybe your son has to fail in order to make your ex see the light. There comes a point where school work is the responsiblity of the kid. Self motivation in the kid is better then hounding him and making him hate school.
few second chances
one of the things that I really hate about the British school system - is that there isn't much in the way of second chances when it comes to exams, etc. I'm not really willing to let my son blow his shot at attending a world class university because my ex isn't willing to be the heavy.
My family, my ex's family, my new blended family - we're not really 'practial' people. We all work in intellectual fields, so in essence - the family business... I don't want my son to be closed off from an area that's most likely to be his 'best bet' because his dad is pants.
Two things.
Two things.
First, I was highly motivated in school, because I grew up in poverty and my parents made it very clear that once I was 18, I was on my own. So I wanted to make money. I started working 30hours when I was still in HS, and stayed on the honor roll. So maybe cut back on some frills and let him know, being poor is uncomfortable, and if he wants things, he better start thinking about how he's going to earn them. Point out the luxuries he gets, tell him how much they cost, and ask him how he will feel when they are gone. Intrinsic motivation.
Second, my kids were the typical somewhat spoiled teens. Middle son was the smartest of the bunch, but got the worst grades. He got lippy with me at 19, so I unceremoniously booted his azz to the curb. He lived in poverty for a year, then started going to community college, then transferred to university. He got great grades at a top notch school and now makes bucks. Youngest son, kinda the same story. He has ADD, so he's not cut out for sitting at a desk, but he's motivated now, works fulltime, pays his own rent, and is much less entitled/materialistic than he used to be.
Kids I went to HS with that seemed like dipshidiots back in the day, are all doing well now, according to FB. Many kids go through a lazy phase, and come out of it okay.
these aren't really options
these aren't really options in England the way they are in the US. Kids - and even university students - aren't expected to work during term time and employer and academic schedules are basically in conflict. I worked at university and worked a bit in high school and was motivated, but I also had a lot of home pressure, too. However, I grew up in the US system, so I hear you, but it really is different here.
My SS's SpermIdiot and the
My SS's SpermIdiot and the SpermClan had and still have zero regard for academic performance or eduation at all for that matter. They would actively indermine our efforts with SS while SS was in SpermLand for visitation. Fortunately... his mom and I both set a much stronger example and swayed far more influence over SS than the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool did.
He is working on his BSCS , though more slowly than his mom and I would like, while serving on active duty in the USAF and at 25 has left his SpermClan far in his rear view mirror. He is such an outlyer in that gene pool that at 25 he has accomplished more individually than all of his SpermClan forebears and sibs have accomplished collectively.
As for the opportunities afforded by a "top notch" education.... I am of the mind that as long as a college or university is regionally accredited what matters most to the career outcome is the effort of the student. I have attended many colleges/universities, some top tier, and others much closer to the bottom... My degrees (BSEE & MBA) are from low to mid tier schools and my bride's degrees (BSMgt/Acctg & MBA) are from upper mid tier . We have both had many employees from top 10 or better schools and worked for professionals from a variety of backgrounds regarding their universities. Except in the case of academia related work.... the school really does not make that much difference once a career is engaged and even in accademia it is only a factor that influences the career. Effort plays a far greater role than the label on the sheep skins.
Don't sweat it mom. The kid will figure it out. Maybe not in the way you would like, but... he will figure it out none the less.
while I defo hear what you're
while I defo hear what you're saying - I attended a state university in the US and came out better in many ways than some kids I see coming out of top tier schools here in the UK, I think it's likely that he would want to pursue a career in academia because that's what he knows. Both my ex and my SO are Oxbridge and academics and I had to work hard to overcome my 'lesser pedigree'. Brands matter. Not to who you are, but to what doors get opened. There are far fewer 'second chances' in the UK system compared to the US one - which is a shame, I think it's one of the things that actually makes America really fantastic.