Custody Battles...My first post so I may have missed something!
This is my first time posting anything so I guess I should give some background on my situation. My husband and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and married for 1 1/2. He has 3 kids from his previous marriage (SS10, SD8 and SS6) and we have one BD together who is 16 months. The kids are wonderful when they are with us but we do have problems with them lying for their BM and BMs mother.
We are currently in a custody battle with BM. SHe has a mother who constantly wants to control the skids. Between her and her mother I am about ready to lose it. We decided to file for more custody because BM was letting the skids practically live with her mom. She may keep one of them one night a week. They are now telling them to lie to their father (who talkes to them every night before bed) about where they are staying. They had SD8 so confused one day she told him she didn't know where she was at. We kept a log of everything she did to us and the kids and where the kids stayed every night for over a year. They are constantly trying to alienate the kids by telling them that DH will be mad at them if they do this or that (which he won't). They try to make them not want to come to our house by telling them things like "when you are 14 you can go to court and tell the judge you don't want to go to your dads anymore", telling SS6 that when we were on vacation at the beach that he would have to be careful because we wouldn't be watching him very well and he might get bitten by a shark. BM and her mother are also hypocondriacs who have SS6 convinced that he is a type 1 diabetic eventhough BM has had him to atleast 4 different specialists that have found nothing wrong with his sugar.
I was just wondering if any of the other people on here had similar problems with BMs having the kids lie. ANd if so how they stopped it. I would also like to know anyones stories about their custody battles and how they turned out. I am not only new to being a SM and a mom but these women are making my life a living hell! Please give me some hope!
I forgot to mention that the
I forgot to mention that the BM lives off of government assistance and DHs CS. She has a live in boyfriend but is still married to a guy she hasn't lived with in over 2 years and is just too lazy to get a divorce from. She never pays for any of the kids sports or other expenses. We have to buy our own clothes for our house because she sends them in rags. She has another son and adnitted to me on one of her phone calls when we were trying to get along that she locks the boys in their bedroom at night because she doesn't want them and their younder brother (not DHs) to roam in the house and that sometimes they have to crawl out the bedroom window and knock on the front door to get back in to use the bathroom. Personally I think that is on the verge of child abuse/neglect.
That's not "on the verge"
That's not "on the verge" that is abuse and should be reported to cps. It's all heresy so not sure how much stock can be held on the word of children, there has to be burden of truth and cps is good at digging out the truth..... usually.
As for paying for clothes at their dad's home, well yep that's what dad has to do regardless of cs, it's pretty typical for kids to have clothes bought for them by the parent who's house the clothes are needed. I get gov assistance but I also work my ass off, ex is behind on cs, and my hours cut because I'm in school. Not every mom on gov assistance is a loser I pay my taxes and barely get assistance but as long as I qualify I'll take what help I can didn't lose my kids for it a judge looks at (or is supposed to) the best interest of the child. Relevant info and documentation, who she dates or cheats with is irrelevant unless they are a potential danger to the kids.
The BM is the one who told me
The BM is the one who told me about loking them in their room....she thought it was funny they had to climb out the window. I didn't mean to make it sound like i was bashing people who get assistance. If you read below I tried to clarify what I meant. Sorry if it sounded that way.
Mommy, c'mon... you're really
Mommy, c'mon... you're really talking out of both sides of your mouth here. You were just gloating about how you were "sneaky" and quit your job for a month JUST so you and your DH could get a free lawyer!!
YOU, my dear, are milking the system, and possibly committing fraud to do it.
It's not a trolling comment.
It's not a trolling comment. (And FYI, using that word will get you flagged around here.)
I've seen many custody orders where if ONE parent isn't available for the care of the child, then the other PARENT (not STEP) must be given the option to care for said child first.
So, if BM's mom watches the kid and dad wants to make that a no-no, then BM can counter and require that SHE watch the child if dad is unavailable (which includes the SM.)
You have A LOT to learn about family court. A LOT. Like, more than is measurable. There is no such thing as a "married unit" in family court. There are biological parents. A stepparent CAN be included in fairly rare instances as input, but they ARE NOT subject to the custody orders.
All you have to do is look on the court docs. I don't see MY name anywhere on my DH's orders.
No shit. It was HRNYC. I'm
No shit. It was HRNYC. I'm just telling you that it wasn't a trolling comment. AT ALL.
Also, I wanted to warn you that the word t-roll can get you booted, which I REALLY don't want to see happen, because I am just dying for Feb to roll around so we get an update.
Your poor step-children are
Your poor step-children are BOTH a battlefield AND a weapon in this fight. It's great that they are wonderful with you, let them be and not ask them AT ALL where they are... they are being dragged through hell having to participate in the parents' war. Get them into therapy. Find a therapist who understands what PAS is = parental alienation syndrome. This is what's looming on your horizon. Look up Richard Warshak, Amy Baker. The mother and grandmother are creating a loyalty bind that holds the kids in its grip and their costant bad-mouthing of their father and you might lead to greater problems when they are teens. The message to the kids is that their dad is 1.unsafe 2. uncaring 3. unloving. Be the opposite of that: loving, caring and sooner or later they will hopefully appreciate that. Create a safe space for them to be kids. Remove the pressure, so they do not feel that they have to lie for their mom.
I am sorry if it came across
I am sorry if it came across as saying something bad about people on assistance I didn't mean it that way at all believe me if we would even qualify it would be nice but in our state they still count the money he gives BM as income we can use. I was trying to say that she lives off of her boyfriend, ex husbands and the government she uses being a stay at home mom as an excuse to not have to work when her kids are all in school and she runs around all day. Here you also have to report any income that ANYONE in the house is making and she is committing welfare fraud because she doesn't claim her live-in boyfriends income. She is perfectly able to work and has had great jobs that paid very well that she would keep for a week or so then quit because "it was too much on her".
As for the comment made by HRNYC my husband and I are a unit, we are married and I am helping him research, build and document his case so "we" are in a battle for custody. Not to mention the BM drags me into every conversation and has made it clear that I am going to brought into the situation. As for help from her mom, help is one thing the kids live with the BMs mom that is not help that is pawning your kids off on someone else. The BM has a boyfriend that lives with her and is actually a pretty decent guy who helps with the kids so its not like she doesn't have help if the kids stay with her. Secondly, the BMs mom is constantly telling the kids lies about me and their father and she has convinced them that the one ss has a terrible disease that he doesn't have. Not to mention she is always telling them that she is dying and upsetting them just to get attention. They are not letting the kids be kids she is draging them into her personal vendetta against my husband.
pilgrim soul, thank you for
pilgrim soul,
thank you for the advice the difficulty with not asking them where they are going to be is that both BM and DH talk to the kids 3 times a day (before school, after school and before bed) if he doesn't know where they are going to be then he doesn't know where to call. I will have to look up PAS and try to find the materials you suggested. We are trying to ignore as much as possible while still trying to let them know that we are not going to let them (BM and her mom) control our lives. We have tried to get them into therapy, but BM made the appointments and then didn't show. Then she tried to blame DH for it, but luckily the doctor who referred them noted on the chart that she was a no-show. We have been trying to let them know that they don't need to worry about what is going on between the adults and that all they need to worry about is playing and having fun and that everyone loves them. I am hoping that as they get older they will see the truth but it isn't looking promising. I was a child of divorce too so I try to see everything from their point of view. As I told my husband, "You are my husband and I will stand beside you always, but if you are doing something wrong you best bet I'm going to tell you that"
Can I join the bitch squad??
Can I join the bitch squad?? Pretty please?!!? There are members on this board we all HATe to agree with *cough* Orange County *cough* but when they are right, their right. We seem to have new members that can't take any advice... Just want to ramble on.
There are many members, myself included that have been step parents for over a decade ... But naw we don't know what we are talking about!!!
I myself have sole legal custody of my kids (yep that meant court room time) and a better relationship with my exsd than her dad has.
Never mind "we don't know what we are talking about"!!!!!
mommyoftwinangels, yes I am
mommyoftwinangels,
yes I am from WV
Its hard to make people
Its hard to make people understand the situation without writing a whole book on here. I came to get some input and hopefully connect with some other SMs who sympathize with the situation. I will just take the critisism in stride. Its not anything worse than BM has said about me.
I was hoping to get some
I was hoping to get some stories of other people's experiences and some good ideas on how to handle the children's lying. I may think again before I post something on this site. I thought this was for support and help. I would appreciate it if comments were a little more on track.
Echo, I just don't know how
Echo,
I just don't know how to show it to them without stooping to BM and BMM's level and flat out showing them that she lied to them about things. We don't say anything bad about BM or her family in front of the children but every once in a while when it gets too much we just have to tell them that "sometimes mommy and grandma aren't always right"