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Can you negotiate AFTER a court order?

Biostep7777's picture
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HCBM is convinced she's going to get full physical and legal custody even though they have had joint for over 5 years and there is absolutely ZERO reason for it to change other than that what she thinks she deserves. Even though the judge already said in the temp hearing that mom and dad are both capable of joint so she's not changing it. BM still thinks she's going to give her full everything (LOL) so it's been a struggle to negotiate anything before court because she thinks she's going to "win" so to speak. 

So, she's not going to be happy with the outcome. But, chances are DH might not be happy in some area as well so wondering if once the court order is set it's set OR can things be negotiated after of both parties agree? If so, is the changes put in the order or is it more once it's done it's done?
My ex and I have a CO and have changed some things up to suit the kids needs better but we work very very well together so we just agreed on the changes but never made it official or anything. But there's no drama between us. There's nothing but drama with BM so not sure hoe (or if) this could work. Thoughts? 

lieutenant_dad's picture

They can always spend more money to renegotiate a CO, though it would be better to work with a mediator and not go back through court. Just be mindful that a judge is likely going to be upset if they rule one way and your DH and BM are immediately back to renegotiating and needing a new CO signed off on.

Plus, if BM is HC, there likely will never actually be negotiations. There will be holding your DH hostage until he gives in. He needs to ask for everything he wants and settle with what he can live with, and NOT negotiate immediately and FOLLOW THE CO TO THE LETTER. Unless the CO is gravely impacting his life, he needs to learn to live with it. Sucks, but otherwise he'll ALWAYS be "negotiating" with someone whose sole purpose is to make his life difficult.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I agree that a mediator is money well spent. It worked during my divorce over 10 years ago. Took a whole day of back and forth but we never had to go to "court", in the sense of having a judge rule for us. It covered everything. The mediator was experienced and knew what to cover. 

Biostep7777's picture

DH tried to mediate with her. It literally went nowhere. All she did was complain about all she has done as a mother and how dare he start a lawsuit. They couldn't even start the negotiations because she literally just complained until the mediator said "clearly you need to go in front of s judge" 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I thpught my ex was high conflict, but at least he wanted a somewhat normal life. Some of these people seem to have no life outside of using their kids to create drama and get paid for it! 

tog redux's picture

Once the CO is given by the judge, that's it unless you go back.

Our experience was that the attorneys will pressure both sides to settle before court. If she won't agree to joint, he should just go ahead to court and take what he gets. Then, as Lt. Dad said, follow the CO to the letter, don't take or ask for any changes, even if they seem to benefit you.  She is right that BM will keep trying to take more and more.

BTW, rarely is anyone happy with a CO. No one ever gets everything they want. 

ETA: I thought you were disengaging from all of this? (I do know how hard it is to do).

advice.only2's picture

Realistically the CO will be updated at the kids grow and their needs change, but most courts are going to have them go through mediation again before they will see a judge to rule on anything. With BM being high conflict, buckle up you might be surprised at how often your DH ends up in court.

ESMOD's picture

and... sometimes you have to decide whether you want to be "right".. or whether you want to be happy.

Sometimes avoiding the fight is worth it for mental health and financial reasons... you can't litigate everything.. your husband (with your input as appropriate)  may need to decide what his hills to die on are.. and just let some things go.. even if it means she is getting her way.. frustrating as that may be.. your household will be happier if not in a constant battle in court.

Rags's picture

The CO provides the legal foundation for the blended family structure.   Both sides can renogotiate any time they wish but that does not mean either side has to agree to something new.

During the negotiation phase of our progression to court the first time they attempted to take custody from my DW.  As a single teen mom she was granted full physical and legal coustody.  Their ancient family attorney advised that my DW go to court to have paternity assigned to the Spermidiot and to get CS for SS.  She did that.  Shortly after she graduated from HS, before SS turned 1yo,  she left the State to attend university and took SS with her.  There was zero effort by the SpermClan to see SS though the Spermidiot strung my DW along with promisses of reconciliation (he cheated on her several times with ever younger underage girls) and bullshit plane reservations. She took the bus to the airport a few times to pick him up and he never showed up.

When the small town grape vine was buzzing about DW dating someone the SpermGrandHag forged the Spermidiot;s signature on a custody suit and they went for DW's jugular.  That started a year long battle.  Just before we went to court they dropped the custody suit in an attempt to appear reasonable in front of the Judge.  They then proposed joint custody to my DW which she refused, they then proposed 26 weeks of SpermCLan visitation for SS, DW refused.  They dropped their visitation offer incrementally until they landed on 15wks.  DW countered with 9. The refused the night before the court date so off to court we went.   

We spent all day in court with both sides presenting their case.  Ultimately the Judge ruled that long distance visitation had been established when DW had moved out of State with full physical and legal custody.  Her full custody was upheld and the Judge awarded the SpermClan 7Wks of visitation (5Wks summer, 1Wk winter, 1Wk spring).  After the Judge gaveled the close of the hearing after issuing his ruling their attorney approached my DW and I and our attorney and said "My client has accepted your offer of 9wks of visitation.  DW got in his face, guffawed, then told their idiot attorney that he obviouslu did not listen to what the Judge said. They never got more than the COd 7 weeks.

Even then, they did not take it all.  Over the 16 years of the visitation schedule there were several periods of a year of more that they refused visitation.  My DW refused to negotiate outside of court because of their history of manipulation.

You can negotiate after a CO has been ordered, but why would you?