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BM is with an unstable man

Lau's picture

I am so glad I found StepChat. My husband has two kids with his ex. We have an arrangement outside of court, that has worked well until recently. BM has been with this guy for a year or so and he honestly seemed like an amazing step dad. I know he loves them and just generally enjoys being around them. That being said, he has PTSD and snaps anytime he and the BM get into an argument. She pushes him and he will eventually pull a loaded gun on either himself or her as a threat... WHILE THE KIDS ARE THERE. Thankfully when he does this they are not in the room or aware of the situation. My husband asked her to put an EPO on him and not let him in the home or around the kids. But the very next day he is back in the home. We just found out this is happening and my husband wants to get custody. But I have doubts that this is enough of a reason for a court to hand over custody. 

advice.only2's picture

your DH should contact CPS and let them know about the situation, as well as contact the police to do regular well fare checks on the children while they are with BM. Your DH needs to consult an attorney and see what his odds are. It's only a matter of time before this escalates and the gun gets pulled on one of the children.

tog redux's picture

Yes, this is domestic violence and done in front of the kids, it's a CPS issue (even if they are just in the house - at least it is here). And consult an attorney about an emergency custody hearing.

Lau's picture

There are doubts that they are his kids, so both the BM and my DH have resisted going to court. I think my DH is terrified to get a paternity test done and find out they are not his kids. And the BM freaks out at any mention of a paternity test. So that further complicates the situation because they were not married and he did not sign a paternity form. 

justmakingthebest's picture

That part can wait until court. A judge will order it whether or not BM likes it.

As for the BF with PTSD- call CPS. You aren't powerless in this. Do what you have to in order to keep the kids safe. 

advice.only2's picture

Your DH should focus on getting the kids into a safe situation first and foremost, issue of paternity will still be there tomorrow.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your DH has to choose whether he's going to be the father or not.

He can't be a father and straddle the line on this. His want to maintain a relationship with his kids does NOT trump his responsibility to keep them safe.

This isn't nearly as tricky as he is making it out to be. The kids need to be away from BM's gun-wielding BF. Whether the kids are placed with him or in a foster home or with other family is immaterial. The kids are in danger, and he needs to be the responsible party and call CPS.

If he won't do it, you need to. This isn't a BM who lets the kids stay up too late and eat junk food. This is BAD. This NEEDS to be addressed. No waffling. Just done.

Thumper's picture

1. How do you know mom pushes her BF?...She pushes him and he will eventually pull a loaded gun on either himself or her as a threat... WHILE THE KIDS ARE THERE.

(REALLY) ?????

2. What did the police say when you reported this?

3. if you have not reported this to the police, why not.

Based on what you wrote, unless I am not reading your words correctly???? BM should keep her hands to herself except for grabbing the kids, tossing clothing in the back of her car and CALLING the police and then backing out of the driveway.

I would suggest your dh consider asking for run reports to BM's address. They are logs of 911 calls made to have police dispatched to her house. He can go to bm's police department or call them for this information.

How much you wanna bet BM also pushed your dh 1 or more times in their marriage.

Notify police about what you know. LET THEM deal with this.





weightedworld's picture

They could be dead before paternity is figured out. File for emergency custody (whatever the term is) and get them kids out of there while she is with him. Figure the rest out later. Move and move swiftly the longer you guys sit on it and do nothing it looks just as bad and as if you are alright with the behavior yourselfs. 

At the end of the day if they aren't his.. at least he potentially saved a couple kids life.. what is more rewarding than that.