You are here

BM not following C/O AGAIN

JYMCat's picture

Can S/O hold BM in contempt for not following the custody agreement? I've looked it up online but I'm not sure if you're only allowed to hold someone in contempt if they're violating an order from the court. BM and S/O agreed upon custody during the mediation of their divorce. The current agreement is SD lives with S/O full time and BM is supposed to take her EOW. Two days during the week if SD is going to be spending the weekend with S/O and one day during the week if SD is going to be spending the weekend with BM. BM NEVER takes SD during the week no matter whose weekend it is and she constantly flakes on her weekends with SD.

BM recently asked S/O for extra time with SD (which is a joke because she can barely handle EOW) and S/O agreed. She really only wanted to switch weekends because she wanted to have her birthday weekend off but she thought that S/O wouldn't say yes to keeping her three weeks in a row. So instead of asking him she asked to keep SD for three weeks in a row so that it worked out that her birthday weekend would be free. What ended up happening was she kept SD for one full weekend the following weekend she was supposed to take SD Friday-Sun. She flaked Friday but took SD Saturday and then called S/O to take her back Sun morning instead of night and that she would take SD for her BD weekend after all because her plans got cancelled BUT she'd only take her Friday evening to Saturday at 2pm. Friday comes and BM calls S/O in the morning apparently she went out the night before got drunk and into a fight with someone she thought was her friend. She got punched in the face and kicked out of a moving car too *mega eye roll*. First she said she'd take SD later in the evening instead of the morning but she called S/O around the time he was supposed to drop S/O off and flaked all together. She claimed she would take her during this week but we're not holding our breath and she has no plans to take her for this weekend.

It's not a one time deal she does this constantly. Last time she was sick and she's used that excuse multiple times. She even flaked once because she got in a fight with her now ex-fiancé. What can S/O do about this, if anything?

simifan's picture

If SO has primary custody - visitation with BM is a right - not a necessity. It is his responsibility to make SD available for visitation time. It is to his benefit to be flexible while negotiating.

However, I would make sure the final CO agreement makes sure BM cannot set my schedule all weekend long. That is crazy. I would give her a window where she picks up SD or her time is forfeited.

JYMCat's picture

S/O has primary custody and he makes her available. He never keeps SD from BM. BM just flakes when it's her turn to take her. Also BM can't ever pick up SD because she doesn't have a drivers license or a car so S/O has to do all the driving. Sometimes she tries to get S/O to agree to handing SD over to one of BM's friends without BM being there but S/O never agrees to that.

JYMCat's picture

She's a winner alright. Blum 3

Yes S/O is the custodial parent. She is already supposed to notify S/O one week in advance of her plans to take SD but of course she doesn't. She usually tells him her plans the same week and the time is NEVER nailed down until the day of retrieval. It also states in the agreement that the receiving parent is to do pickup but BM doesn't have a drivers license, let alone a car so S/O usually has to drop her off and pick up. He makes her give him gas money though. Her ex used to drive but now that he's out of the picture and if she doesn't want to give S/O gas money she'll send someone else to pick SD up and won't even be in the car. S/O says no to that of course. S/O is documenting everything thankfully. I think he should ask them to lesson her time AND add supervision to boot. We found out from SD that on the one weekend she did take her she went to work Friday and Saturday and left SD with BM's sister one night and then the next night with some person SD is calling "grandma". It's not S/O's mom and BM's mom lives in Texas. We have no idea who this person is and according to SD she sleeps in this person's bed at night. That creeps the heck out of us! Especially since we don't know who this person is. This all went on during the weekend that BM asked for. It was supposed to be S/O's weekend with SD but he thought it would be nice for SD to spend extra time with her mom. He totally regrets it and probably won't ever say yes for extra time again.

Lalena75's picture

He needs to first follow the co which means if she doesn't give a weeks notice tough, if she doesn't pick sd up (and be in the car with who ever is driving tough) beat her with the CO and cut her time. No more favors of extra time follow the CO to the letter

JYMCat's picture

Thanks. I'll talk to him and hopefully he'll be willing to be strict. I know he worries about us getting adult time but I really want him to crack down on BM and stop letting her run the show. It drives me crazy when every other week we makes plans and have to cancel them because BM flakes. I know that we will lose adult time for a while but at least that's our decision.

IslandofDreams's picture

Your SO needs to follow the order. NO notice - no visit. No car - No visit.
No more extra time when she is not using the current time alloted to her.
And DOCUMENT times, dates, conversations, etc. He will need it to MOdify custody order.

But unfortunately, she can not be held in contempt for not exercising her visitation rights.

JYMCat's picture

He documents the days SD is with him and marks the days BM is supposed to have SD but doesn't along with the days she does in a different color using a calendar. I'm trying to get him to cease all phone calls. Right now they communicate with text messages and phone calls. The c/o says to use email or text but as I've ranted about on here before, s/o refuses to use email because he seems to think it would be impossible for BM to communicate that way. The last time we had that talk was last year, maybe he'll be more open to it now. This month so far BM has seen her daughter a whopping 3 days. Smh

JYMCat's picture

Thanks for the info. I'm going to check what our state says about agreements made during mediation. In the meantime, I need to get him to stop being so carefree about the current C/O. Maybe if he just sticks to it and doesn't give her so much as an inch of leeway, she'll start to do what she's supposed to and he won't have to file for contempt.

JYMCat's picture

I completely agree. Ever since the divorce and mediation, they just went back to what they were doing before the papers were drawn up. It never made since to me why they even bothered to have an agreement. When I talked to him about it initially he acted like I was asking him to be mean to BM by suggesting that he follow the agreement. They have a lot of necessary communication going on between them and I really feel like if they just follow what they BOTH agreed to, that few words and calls need to pass between them. Drop offs, supposed to be pickups but I digress, are dictated by when BM get's off of work every other Friday per the C/O. She claims she doesn't know her day to day work schedule until the day of which is a load of crap but this is why partly the drop of time is never nailed down until the day she agrees to take her. On the flip side, the C/O states very clearly that S/O is to pick SD up at 5PM Sunday but instead of doing that they wait until Sunday to pick a time. I know he doesn't want to do pick up at 5PM because he wants more alone time with me but I just don't understand why either of them agreed to something when it didn't work for them for their individual reasons. It's so frustrating and simple. FOLLOW THE AGREEMENT OR CHANGE IT TO WHAT WORKS AND THEN FOLLOW THAT ONE! *sigh* I'm going to have to talk about this with him again. He doesn't understand that she won't ever change unless he makes changes. He keeps saying that he thinks that if he just continues to be nice and respectful that one day she'll do the same. I'm like, no she'll never do anything that doesn't benefit her and since when did following a C/O become mean or disrespectful? She's an adult, she signed the papers so she can follow what she signed.

JYMCat's picture

I do have one more question. When BM already has SD and calls S/O to take her back earlier than they had originally agreed upon to go to work or whatever her excuse is at the time, is he obligated to do so? BM frequently calls S/O to take SD back early because she has to go to work and whomever she had lined up to watch SD flaked on her. She will call S/O's mom if she can't get ahold of him and then S/O's mom will tell him, "I know she wronged you but BM doesn't have any help and SD is your little girl so you have to be there". Is that true? Is it S/O's responsibility to be there when BM's childcare plans fall through?