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BF's Divorce Court Date Tomorrow

JYMCat's picture
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Hello everyone,

Tomorrow morning is my bfs last divorce court date. He and I are both worried about the outcome. I'll give a brief synopsis of the situation. BF & Soon to be ex wife separated officially 3 years ago. During the course of their marriage the ex had a serious of affairs. One of the affairs resulted in the conception of my bfs daughter. Although she is not biologically his, he is raising her as his own. His name is on the birth certificate, she lives with him full time and sees her mom about once or twice a week depending on the BM's mood. So far she has tried to claim that she sees her daughter more than she actually does. He and I both know she is only looking for child support and she wants to be able to claim their daughter on her taxes. My question to all of you who have experience with this: What should he expect? What can my s/o do to show BM lying? He keeps a calendar of all the days she's with him or with her BM and he's bringing his parents whom he and his daughter live with. Apart from that, what else can he do?

sixteensmom's picture

Does he have an attorney? How long were they married? A calendar of the days she's been with him will be more than she has.

JYMCat's picture

He does not have an attorney and they've been married for almost 7 years but separated for the last 3. We tried to find low income or pro-bono help but were unsuccessful.

JYMCat's picture

Yes. I've asked him in the past to only communicate with her via text or email but alas he his stubborn. They text so he has those and fortunately he listened when I suggested he keep a calendar and start taking pictures of her with him everyday and at different stages of the day to show that she is with him all day of each day. His parents have been doing the same and they will be accompanying him to court. She has also been enrolled in preschool (by him) so since her home address is listed as his, I'm hopeful that will help.

JYMCat's picture

This will be her first time. She's 3 and she will start at the end of this month. Luckily he knows the teachers at the school and one of them already said he can call her if she needs him. BM doesn't have a license let alone a car so hopefully she won't be able to make any arguments about being the person who picks her up. The only way she get's around is public transportation or her fiance but he lives and works like 40 miles from her so he's not around most of the time to help with pickups or drop offs.

JYMCat's picture

She hasn't been a nightmare so far. Hopefully she doesn't start making problems. She's had a free ride thus far and I'm not sure how she will react if things don't go in her favor. We're not even sure what she wants. She hasn't contested anything other than what he submitted at the amount of time the daughter spends with each party. She hasn't contested where she lives fulltime and for the last 3 years of this little girl's life, BM hasn't tried getting my s/o to send their daughter to live with her. I know she only wants money. I think what she wants is for the living arrangement to stay the same but for it to somehow come out that my s/o has to pay her child support. I'm not sure how the system works but it's my understanding that the non-custodial parent pays child support. Am I wrong?

overworkedmom's picture

While I do think that it is noble for him to be raising a child that is not even his, I have to ask how you feel about this?

I know personally I would be looking toward the future and marrying this man. I would be thinking about kids of our own and how much they will be missing out on because of this child that is not even his real responsibility. Child support, living expenses, court costs, lawyers, braces, car, etc all for a child that my SO has no real responsibility for... I just don't think I would be able to cope in the long term. I realize that he may love her but IMHO I would be begging that he move toward an "uncle" type relationship and make BM be the parent, because in all reality she is the only actual parent in this situation.

JYMCat's picture

I asked him why he didn't walk away when he CAUGHT his ex with the bio father. His response was that he was already attached to her and so was his family. She was nine months old but while I can believe he was attached to her, I think he didn't want to have to tell his family the truth about the babies biology. He still hasn't officially told them. He has told his mother and he assumes that she told everyone else. I am thinking about a future with him but I'm not worried about her getting more or less than what our hypothetical children would get. It's true, I do wish that he has walked away when he has the chance but he didn't and it's MUCH MUCH MUCH too late now. His daughter does not know that he is not her biological dad. He is the only father she's ever known and she loves him to death. If he tried to be less of a part of her life now, it would destroy her and him and the rest of his family. And quite honestly, I don't think I would want to be with a man who would do that. Three years ago maybe but absolutely not now.

overworkedmom's picture

You don't think that BM will let all of this out? If she has to pay CS or is threatened with losing custody, you don't think all of this will come flying back in his face? Never underestimate the power of a douchey BM. Be prepared.

And I will say, that thinking long term is a MUST in step situations. Hang around here for a little while and it will all be clear. Just don't ever think "won't happen to me"...

JYMCat's picture

Oh, I'm sure she will try use the fact that he's not her biological father to gain some sort of footing. I'm just not sure how much the judge will care about it. He's on the birth certificate and the daughter has his last name. BM had a chance to walk away too and she didn't. She probably didn't want to have to raise a child on her own but I doubt she ever thought it would end up like this. Three years of allowing someone who is not biologically the father of her child will hopefully finally bite her in the ass. He's not trying to take her away. He wants things to stay the same custody wise, he just wants their divorce to be finalized and for the custody to be in writing so that there are some repercussions for BM being so flakey.

As for our future, I think about it a lot. I don't have the attitude that it won't happen to me. I'm worried about a lot of things. I've been a member here for a few months and it was my concerns that brought me here in the first place. So far I've lucked out with not having to deal with a crazy BM but I realize how much that can change now that my s/o has found his backbone. I worry about my relationship with my s/o's daughter as well. We get along great right now and she adores me but I fear that will all change when we move in together. He thinks everything will be fine, typical right? So there are some concerns. We've actually started premarital counseling so hopefully it'll help make the transitions over the coming years easier.

twoviewpoints's picture

IMO, after looking at a quick State of California CS calculator (google California child support or guidelines), the BM is more worried about trying to show she spends more time than she does so her ordered CS will be less. Running two made up scenarios I found myself in the calculators to be paying very little for having the child 33% of the time compared to 20% of the time. Things like the time, legal parents income and who provides healthcare for child all played into calculator outcomes.

As you stated she has contested nothing other than the time she spends a month with child, I'd think it's her concerned about paying your BF and not the other way around.

JYMCat's picture

Good news, everything went off without a hitch. They settled on joint custody across the board. BM didn't try to raise a stink but apparently she shed a few tears. What she was crying about I don't know and I don't care. I'm just happy it's finally over!! Smile