Sigh....I get it from my family. Of course, none of them have ever been in my situation, so they have NO CLUE. They're way more tolerant of the skids than I am!

I got it from my mother...she's never met stepdevil and seems to think *I* am the cause of all of DH's and SD's troubles. If only *I* would make more of an effort, if only *I* realized that his daughter will always be his daughter and I should be more sympathetic to her needs. WTFEVER!

I had NO idea I signed up for this garbage- Does anyone?????
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I did. That is why I would not marry or move in with DH until skid was much older. We dated for over 8 years. And honestly…I don’t see how anyone can NOT see it when you are dating a man with kids. No offence, but unless you only dated someone for a few months and then married, there “should” have been some writing on the wall.

I think we as women are great at turning a blind eye all for love.

That said…it does not mean that SM’s are obligated to get shit on, weather they saw it or not.

I don't think you ever TRULY know. I saw that my DH's kids (they are 19-23 years old) were bad before we married. I made him promise to me before we married last summer that we would never support them or house them. I have many valid reasons for this-these "kids" are bad news, not to mention we do not have the space or finances to help. I have seen my DH try to help them, and they want nothing but money or things. We don't have much, but all they want is to take, take, take. They are horribly manipulative and incredibly rude. It is just one problem after another.

My DH stopped enabling 2 years before we married. He set boundaries, and he has not backed down. So, I married him based on his promises and the fact that he was not letting them take advantage.

What I did not bargain for was the fact that my MIL feels we should be helping them-even if it means that they mentally abuse us and we would be living in poverty if we did. Luckily, DH ignores her, but I am tired of it. Tired of hearing that they are "blood," and DH "owes them."

What else I did not realize is that they would "rev up" their nastiness and cruelness. It is appalling what they have been doing lately. And I was a fool to not realize that they are very likely going to be homeless in the near future. I am praying that DH stays strong.

I'm extremely lucky in that DH understands my frustrations and points of view. He supports me and always puts our marriage first. In turn, I support him and we really work hard to make our blended family work.

BM is our biggest issue; and the issues she creates where they don't need to exist.

I don't talk about any of it with people who are not step-parents, or who are familiar with the details of our situation (very few people). People don't understand if they don't live it .. and I don't need the frustration of feeling judged for how we handle our everyday life.

LOL, sure we knew what we were getting into hahahahaha

"Honey. I might go to the pub with the boys after work"
*comes home sloshed and vomits*
"What's the problem? You *KNEW* I was going out to the pub after work."

"Honey, I making myself a bowl of chili for lunch"
*farts uncontrollably for 2 hours afterwards*
"What's the problem? You *knew* I was going to eat chili for lunch."

"Honey, I am going to the hardware store."
*returns with a $5000 John Deer lawn mower*
"What's the problem? You *KNEW* I was going to the hardware store. Besides, it's got cup holders."

I can tell you I had no freaking idea. My ss was 2 when dh and I married. 2. For goodness sake. He was barely verbal. He was fairly cute. Dh had an "ok" relationship with bm-not the best-but no huge issues. How the heck was I to know that this kid was a budding psychopath? no way on earth to predict that one.

My mom used to make comments to me occassionally-YEARS ago about how this or that was my job since ss resided in my home, etc-as the years passed and it became apparent what a psycho the kid was she abruptly stopped. She now thinks the kid should never darken my doorstep ever again. In fact, most people if I tell everything that has happened agree that the kid should be nowhere near me or my kids. The only people that feel differently are my nutjob inlaws, who felt they needed to protect ss from ME and MY KIDS> Wow. I wonder if they feel that way now after him living there the past couple years.

I knew what I was getting into, because I'm a SD myself. DH's kids were close to the age my brother and I were when we became skids. I understand SD more than anyone thinks I do. It's BECAUSE I knew what I was getting into that I don't accept her ridiculousness. Boy was everyone surprised, lol.

For me, I knew DH had kids and I knew BM was (and still is not) a person without many issues. But most of us are not fortune tellers or future predictors of any sort. We had no idea exactly what we were walking into. I certainly did not and am still recovering from the he11 BM inflicted on me. I turned to my mom, who is also a SM, for advice, but not all of it was helpful, because she gets along with her SKs, my stepdad parented them, and BM was and is respectful to her. Any issues the adults had never reached us kids and they worked those issues out in an adult way. The BM didn't tolerate her kids being disrespectful to me or my mom and neither did their dad.

My SDs BM, on the other hand, actively encouraged and rewarded them to/for treating me like crap. That's why I blame the parents of all these skids so much for the actions of their kids. When the primary custodial parent is encouraging/rewarding bad behavior, most often the kid will misbehave to keep their primary caregiver from giving them he11. It is easier to pi$$ off the NCP and NCP SP than it is the custodial home and it's a human reaction most people would have. Another reason why I blame the PASing parent so much is because once we got SDs out of BMs he11hole, their behavior started to improve. It didn't happen overnight. It's still an ongoing process. But it's a process we are all working on in our home and lives. Once that negative influence was greatly reduced in their lives, things started to improve for them.

Sorry for the rant, but I write that because I truly had no idea I'd be facing any of that once I married DH. I had no idea what PAS was. I had no idea at how stunned I'd be that a parent let men abuse their kids. I knew there were people out there who allowed that to happen but when it is right in front of you, it really throws you for a loop.

If anything, I went in with rose-colored glasses on. I thought it could come to be a situation like the one my mom, stepdad and his kids BM had and still have when they do see each other. BOY was I mistaken about that. I had no idea BM would express to my DH and the world how happy she was when I miscarried. I didn't expect a sympathy card or anything, or for her to even tell us she was sorry for our loss, but I did expect she wouldn't express to us her pleasure in it happening.

When I hear of a woman engaged to a man with children, I tell her about steptalk. Many of those women have those rose colored glasses on. But hopefully our stories can help them be less surprised if things don't work out as they hoped. In fact, I think we should all do that- recommend that women engaged to men with children of any age (including adults) come check out StepTalk.

Although I cannot predict every experience I will have with my SDs as adults, I go to the adult sk issues forum so if we do have issues when they're adults, I'll be less surprised by them. Another thing I didn't know until becoming a SP myself was how many issues exist between adult SKs and SMs. I thought that even if adult SKs and SMs didn't care for one another, or even hate each other, both SMs AND adult SKs would make efforts to keep the peace and get along. It's what I do when it comes to my stepmother. Boy was I surprised when I first read some adult SK stories here.

I haven't had anyone say this to me, but the only people I share my feelings with are two of my closest friends and my cousin. OUtside of this forum (which I am SO grateful for finding!!) my cousin is the only one who TRULY understands how I feel, because she has two SD's that are AWFUL and their BM is terrible. It's kind of funny I was bringing this up on a different thread, and then saw this one...but no, I didn't know what I was getting into. I may not be married, but I'm 100% committed to my boyfriend and marriage or not, want to be with him forever. He's a GREAT guy and I love him to pieces. Before moving in with him, I spent time with his kids but it wasn't until after living together that I truly know what an effing HELL it can be. While I get annoyed with SD10, it's SS5 that truly kills me...I HATE him. And no, I didn't know I would feel that way. I felt so guilty for a long time but thankfully I had the realization that it didn't make me a bad person. There are adults I can't stand or even hate (though I try my best not to have such negative feelings, hey sometimes you just can't help it!) and it's usually because of the person they are, somethign about their personality rubs us the wrong way. Well guess what...kids have their own personalities too, and sometimes they just don't mesh. I know things won't magically get better; that's just not going to happen. But knowing that my feelings don't make me bad person, and knowing there are SO many others out there who feel exactly the same way I do...that makes a difference.

I didn't know what I was getting into, either. If I had know ahead of time that we would have money troubles for several years due to his ex wife getting half his wages, I would've RAN! It's really painful to try to make ends meet with what's left after BM gets what "her and her kids are legally entitled to". It's also painful to know that you could provide better for your own kids if you had that extra $700.00 a month. Kinda sticks in your craw, don't it?