the spouse of a divorced person with children. What would your advice to your young adult never-been-married young adult if you saw him/her entering into a relationship with an EO or custodial parent?
NO WAY!!! I would not want my children exposed to this life...
My skids are another story.. I think that they would gain a better appreciation of their father and I, if they were to marry people that have kids and evil BMs & BDs
but I totally agree with you. I would not want my children going through the shit I have gone through. However, I would not mind the skids marrying into this life because then maybe they would have half a clue about the crap they and their mother have put us through. Let me also add that I agree you can not help who you love. I would support them and would only want the best for them and for them to be happy. But I would certainly share my experiences and my thoughts.
Thus if my kids ever wanted to marry a divorced person with children that they loved very much then I would support my kids all the way.
I was never married before my DH so I know what it is like to be a never-been-married falling in love with a divorced man with a child. I never knew what to expect in my first marriage, in my step-child and in dealing with his EX-wife. I can say things have difficult, especially in the first year or so. However I can also say things have been wonderful.
I came into this marriage knowing that life was not going to be all cheery and perfect. I knew a marriage would be a life-long commitment and a truly hard journey. I accepted that---I welcomed it even. I think my strength, devotion and willingness to work thru any & all difficult situations has actually made my DH a more confident and caring person. I think DH sees that I am here for him, whenever & for whatever reason. DH realizes my commitment to this marriage & him is strong. I think he's learned what marriage is about and is not willing to let it go.
From what he has told me about his past marriage is that BM constantly screamed that she wanted a divorce when things didn't go her way. I have never done this to him because I feel it would cause a lot of turmoil in our lives that doesn't need to be there. I think DH appreciates that I don't mention divorce to him---if anything I say let's work it out together.
After all this in my own life I would have to give my children some advice before stepping into a marriage with a divorced person with kid(s). I would have to explain the wonderful moments and the very low points in this type of marriage, which IMO is probably much tougher than say a "Brand New" marriage for both husband & wife. I would let them know that they needed to be strong & that I'm here if they need me.
One more little pratical note---How many marriages do you know that at least of of the spouses have NOT been married before?
If they asked me for my advice, I'd share my experiences - good and bad - and try to educate them as best I could as to what worked and didn't work for me, but I wouldn't try to sway them one way or the other. You can't choose the people with whom your children fall in love anymore than they can.
I think every single family is different and they all come with their own special set of circumstances. You never really know what you're getting until you're well into it, whether you are marrying someone with children or without them. My brother is getting married to a woman with two little ones. Yeah, he's my brother and not my child, but I think my approach would be the same... let them know you're there if they need help, listen without judgment, offer advice when requested and just be generally supportive of their decision.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
I completely agree with you Anne. All of our situations here are a prime example. Being a stepmom has been a hell of a learning experience for me but others may look at my situation and say "what a putz". On the other hand, just read some blogs and you can see that we are all having different experiences. I am glad I don't have to deal with the snotty stepdaughters I have read about. Those people have my heart.
Plus, some people like the challenges of being a stepparent. I would give advice and let them know they are not alone and support them when they need it because inevitably, they will.
"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln
I am in my first marriage with my DH. I believe that his little girl was such a gift to me and I would not trade my experience over the past 8 1/2 years for anything in the world. On our wedding day, we have a video of his mother crying, looking at the camera, saying that they have prayed for me to come into thier lives. They didn't know my name, but they prayed for me to bring unity, stability and love to the lives of my DH and SD, who desperately needed a partner/mom.
I do get frustrated, hurt, feel betrayed and unappreciated at times, but all in all I love my family and have never regretted one minute of it, ever. Sometimes, I think my DH loves me that much more BECAUSE he knows the alternative- what it was like with his ex. I'm glad he had that experience to show him how much better it is today, with us.
with a young child. I really don't think so much about the step issues; I just want him to be happy with the woman he chooses to be with, whether or not she has children. It's definitely a hard road, but I try not to be too interfering in my son's life. He has to make his own choices and perhaps mistakes. I just support him and love him; accept his choices in a partner and keep any worries or criticism pretty much to myself. Adult children for the most part don't much appreciate their parent's advise or interference when it comes to their choices in relationships.
I am now single, but was in the step father role. My ex wife has remarried and our daughter is 12. Her mothers marriage is okay, and I had a failed relationship with a lady with kids. Katie is asking me about dating as anyone would expect a 12 year old to do...
I tell her its about the character and the person, yes, whether they have kids or not should be a factor, but shouldn't rule someone out.
If they have a history of drug abuse; mental problems or violence then no, they shouldn't date them.
If they have an ex who has a history of drug abuse; mental problems of violence then they better really think hard about dating them.
I think from my experience I will advise her to ask why the persons last relationship ended and how they view the ex and how the ex views them -- I know we have a lot of bio moms who are from hell, but they probably didn't get that way alone.
I would advise her if one of their family members spent time in prison (or the person did)then they should run.
I would tell her that the odds of a first marriage ending in divorce is 50%; second marriage is 65% and third marriage is 75% -- and if the kids have behavioral issues the odds go way up (as well as increasing if the other bio paret causes problems or is an absentee parent).
I would tell her the odds of meetng quality people is best the younger you are and probably in college. The older you get, the harder it is to find people who don't have problems.
I would also ask her to ask how many times they have been married or how many kids they have in different relationships. I know that after one divorce I get a little skittish about a person.
I would also tell her to look at the relationships they have with their parents and family. Look at the length of time they have worked at a job; are they stable?
Don't worry so much about finances -- because a divorce can hurt someone for a while, but do they have a plan to make things better?
In short, I wouldn't tell her absolutely no -- but I would hope she saw the problems with my ex gf in a positive light. There are good people and bad people. Mostly kids are good, but they need help from their parents to grow up right.
I really don't think that at, say, 25 years old I could have dealt with the issues we face -- financial limitations tied to CS & a controlling BM, specifically. Strike that, I know I couldn't have.
I also don't think that without one failed marriage under my belt, and the lessons hard learned in that situation, I would have had the experience, patience, and willingness to see this road to its end.
I would no way want to see my skids involved in this situation at a young age or for a first marriage (as young people, there definitely are other young people to be found without such baggage, as another poster noted).
I would tell it like it is, if asked. I wouldn't offer -- Nobody would believe it, anyway.
(By 'baggage' I mean the BM -- not the kids -- you know, leathery, cracked ...)
NO WAY!!! I would not want
NO WAY!!! I would not want my children exposed to this life...
My skids are another story.. I think that they would gain a better appreciation of their father and I, if they were to marry people that have kids and evil BMs & BDs
This might be wrong
but I totally agree with you. I would not want my children going through the shit I have gone through. However, I would not mind the skids marrying into this life because then maybe they would have half a clue about the crap they and their mother have put us through. Let me also add that I agree you can not help who you love. I would support them and would only want the best for them and for them to be happy. But I would certainly share my experiences and my thoughts.
You cannot choose who you love.
Thus if my kids ever wanted to marry a divorced person with children that they loved very much then I would support my kids all the way.
I was never married before my DH so I know what it is like to be a never-been-married falling in love with a divorced man with a child. I never knew what to expect in my first marriage, in my step-child and in dealing with his EX-wife. I can say things have difficult, especially in the first year or so. However I can also say things have been wonderful.
I came into this marriage knowing that life was not going to be all cheery and perfect. I knew a marriage would be a life-long commitment and a truly hard journey. I accepted that---I welcomed it even. I think my strength, devotion and willingness to work thru any & all difficult situations has actually made my DH a more confident and caring person. I think DH sees that I am here for him, whenever & for whatever reason. DH realizes my commitment to this marriage & him is strong. I think he's learned what marriage is about and is not willing to let it go.
From what he has told me about his past marriage is that BM constantly screamed that she wanted a divorce when things didn't go her way. I have never done this to him because I feel it would cause a lot of turmoil in our lives that doesn't need to be there. I think DH appreciates that I don't mention divorce to him---if anything I say let's work it out together.
After all this in my own life I would have to give my children some advice before stepping into a marriage with a divorced person with kid(s). I would have to explain the wonderful moments and the very low points in this type of marriage, which IMO is probably much tougher than say a "Brand New" marriage for both husband & wife. I would let them know that they needed to be strong & that I'm here if they need me.
One more little pratical note---How many marriages do you know that at least of of the spouses have NOT been married before?
I'd MYOB.
If they asked me for my advice, I'd share my experiences - good and bad - and try to educate them as best I could as to what worked and didn't work for me, but I wouldn't try to sway them one way or the other. You can't choose the people with whom your children fall in love anymore than they can.
I think every single family is different and they all come with their own special set of circumstances. You never really know what you're getting until you're well into it, whether you are marrying someone with children or without them. My brother is getting married to a woman with two little ones. Yeah, he's my brother and not my child, but I think my approach would be the same... let them know you're there if they need help, listen without judgment, offer advice when requested and just be generally supportive of their decision.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
To Each His Own
I completely agree with you Anne. All of our situations here are a prime example. Being a stepmom has been a hell of a learning experience for me but others may look at my situation and say "what a putz". On the other hand, just read some blogs and you can see that we are all having different experiences. I am glad I don't have to deal with the snotty stepdaughters I have read about. Those people have my heart.
Plus, some people like the challenges of being a stepparent. I would give advice and let them know they are not alone and support them when they need it because inevitably, they will.
"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln
Marriage is hard no matter what the circumstances
I am in my first marriage with my DH. I believe that his little girl was such a gift to me and I would not trade my experience over the past 8 1/2 years for anything in the world. On our wedding day, we have a video of his mother crying, looking at the camera, saying that they have prayed for me to come into thier lives. They didn't know my name, but they prayed for me to bring unity, stability and love to the lives of my DH and SD, who desperately needed a partner/mom.
I do get frustrated, hurt, feel betrayed and unappreciated at times, but all in all I love my family and have never regretted one minute of it, ever. Sometimes, I think my DH loves me that much more BECAUSE he knows the alternative- what it was like with his ex. I'm glad he had that experience to show him how much better it is today, with us.
"Walk slow and watch for snakes"
My son is involved with a woman
with a young child. I really don't think so much about the step issues; I just want him to be happy with the woman he chooses to be with, whether or not she has children. It's definitely a hard road, but I try not to be too interfering in my son's life. He has to make his own choices and perhaps mistakes. I just support him and love him; accept his choices in a partner and keep any worries or criticism pretty much to myself. Adult children for the most part don't much appreciate their parent's advise or interference when it comes to their choices in relationships.
Well...
I am now single, but was in the step father role. My ex wife has remarried and our daughter is 12. Her mothers marriage is okay, and I had a failed relationship with a lady with kids. Katie is asking me about dating as anyone would expect a 12 year old to do...
I tell her its about the character and the person, yes, whether they have kids or not should be a factor, but shouldn't rule someone out.
If they have a history of drug abuse; mental problems or violence then no, they shouldn't date them.
If they have an ex who has a history of drug abuse; mental problems of violence then they better really think hard about dating them.
I think from my experience I will advise her to ask why the persons last relationship ended and how they view the ex and how the ex views them -- I know we have a lot of bio moms who are from hell, but they probably didn't get that way alone.
I would advise her if one of their family members spent time in prison (or the person did)then they should run.
I would tell her that the odds of a first marriage ending in divorce is 50%; second marriage is 65% and third marriage is 75% -- and if the kids have behavioral issues the odds go way up (as well as increasing if the other bio paret causes problems or is an absentee parent).
I would tell her the odds of meetng quality people is best the younger you are and probably in college. The older you get, the harder it is to find people who don't have problems.
I would also ask her to ask how many times they have been married or how many kids they have in different relationships. I know that after one divorce I get a little skittish about a person.
I would also tell her to look at the relationships they have with their parents and family. Look at the length of time they have worked at a job; are they stable?
Don't worry so much about finances -- because a divorce can hurt someone for a while, but do they have a plan to make things better?
In short, I wouldn't tell her absolutely no -- but I would hope she saw the problems with my ex gf in a positive light. There are good people and bad people. Mostly kids are good, but they need help from their parents to grow up right.
Just my two cents worth.
Kevin
d
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Not at a young age or for a first marriage
I really don't think that at, say, 25 years old I could have dealt with the issues we face -- financial limitations tied to CS & a controlling BM, specifically. Strike that, I know I couldn't have.
I also don't think that without one failed marriage under my belt, and the lessons hard learned in that situation, I would have had the experience, patience, and willingness to see this road to its end.
I would no way want to see my skids involved in this situation at a young age or for a first marriage (as young people, there definitely are other young people to be found without such baggage, as another poster noted).
I would tell it like it is, if asked. I wouldn't offer -- Nobody would believe it, anyway.
(By 'baggage' I mean the BM -- not the kids -- you know, leathery, cracked ...)