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Would you do it over again?

ownedbypedro's picture

Knowing what you know now and what you have been through being a step mother, would you marry your dh again if you had the chance for a re-do?


Doubletakex3's picture

" so but with the knowledge it will suck. Not forever, but it will suck."

OMG that truly made me laugh out loud!

From where I sit right now: NO. But, I admit that I did do it a second time as this is my second time around as a SM (although we're not married, we are living together). I chose to do it again because I applied all the lessons learned from my first experience to this one (good in theory) BUT didn't account for everything that could go wrong now. Now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that even if you think you know what you're getting into you don't. There are just too many variables beyond your influence or control (namely the BM and 3 skids). So, I'm experiencing an entirely different set of sucky challenges.

Apparently, I'm a very slow learner!!

Bubbly1's picture

I've often asked myself the same question. Without a doubt, yes.
I've have never loved more or been more loved by another person in my life.
Now, can we get a do over on his kids?

Amazedstepmom's picture

Never not in a million years. It was great when BM supported it but since then everything has gone to shit. And as much as you try to keep marriage/skids separate, they aren't and they both affect the other.

emotionaly beat up's picture


But not because of his adult self centred rude ignorant pig of daughter who thinks she is the centre of the universe - she who must be obeyed.

No, because he sat back and allowed and by his deafening silence encouaged her to treat me like dog poo on the soles of her feet. She is totally self absorbed everyone in her life has to walk on egg shells no one can risk her foul temper. But she is not the reason I would not marry him again - HE IS.

He never once in 8 years told her to back off, he never once said stop it, he in fact said the opposite, he told if I just put up with it and didn't complain, then it would all be okay. That and many other times when he sat back and failed to support me and allowed his children to humilate me are the reasons I would never marry him again....I don't blame any of the stepkids in these relationships, I blame the weak parents who will not stand up to them,who will not parent them and teach them manners, respect and THEIR PLACE, which is not in the marriage of their parents. NO WAY IN HELL WOULD I PUT MYSELF IN THIS MESS EVER AGAIN.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Me too StepAside.

There are always two sides to every story, and although I lay 99.9% of the blame on my husband I have to accept that I was at first supporting my husband when his daughter came into our lives with this hatred flowing from the pores of her skin. Then it was because I was a coward. I should have said on day one...See you, if you ever come into my home again and speak to your father like this and treat me as if I am nothing, you will never be allowed to step foot in here again. But because I sat back for just over two years and said nothing, then for another 2 years I only complained to my husband, not her, I was kinda scared of her to by then. So, glad that it all got to the point where I decided I was better off happy and living my myself, instead of miserable and living with a man who thought it was fine and dandy for his daughter and his sons on her instruction to treat me like crap. So, the man of my dreams is in misery land himself now, feeling so sorry for himself, Christmas is coming, and he knows - give his daughter what she wants...him and him alone, go to her home without me and leave me here alone, and he can stay with her for good. She will never again dictate the terms of my marriage or when and for how long I will see my husband. No more popping around to turn on the tap that is too tight for her, no more helping her take the rubbish bin out. Good Lord these days the things are on wheels, I used to have to carry out the old tin cans, and I had three kids worth of rubbish in that. Worse still, it wasn't really for her, she has never and I mean never taken a rubbish bin out in her life, she lives with her BF and her 34 year old brother, she didn't need daddy to do that, she WANTED to get daddy over there and away from me and any excuse was fine with DADDY. So, now he is miserable, having problems with his wife, having problems with his job, and cannot get his own way so he can give his daughter her every wish. Too bad so sad. He stuffed it up, he can sort it out or get out quite frankly. I'm over it.

Funny 10 years ago I worshipped this man, he was my soulmate, the love of my live, and then in came the Psychotic bitch from hell and here we are now. I know he knows exactly what she has done, and he also knows I am done with it. He should have stopped her the first time she opened her smart mouth, that was his role and responsibility as my husband, but I should have stepped in right away, the first time she did it, and the first time he just pretended it hadn't happened. I should have said get out, or slapped her cheeky face. God I wish I had.

ownedbypedro's picture

Thank you for your reply. I was just thinking about this last I really "hate" my skid and do I really BLAME my skid? No...I BLAME my spouse and I BLAME skid's poor excuse for a mother.

My husband enabled and allowed his second son (first one is okay actually) to be a brat and treat me and my children terrible. He made excuses for the kid and never required of him what it takes to be part of a family unit.

I should, in theory, feel sorry for the skid, and I suppose on some level I do.

pickle's picture

No Way!!! I regret the relationship full stop!! Oh how I wish I had listened to that nagging voice inside me that kept telling me something is not right here!! I got mr dishonesty, mr manipulator and Mr drama all rolled into one. All I wanted was a simple peaceful life (which I was close to before he entered into it)

Now Im sort of stuck mainly because of finances and Im so unhappy with my life. I just cant imagine living like this for the rest of my days. Oh how I kick myself day in, day out.

madrasta's picture

In a heartbeat! My DH loves me more than anyone, even his bratty sd13. He shows me every day and we have the most incredible relationship. HE is a better person than I am and I aspire to be as accepting as he is. We went through a lot of shit with my BSs(now 18 and 20) including kicking my oldest out of my house because he was abusive to me, seeing him homeless, getting him into drug rehab and now supporting him as he rebuilds his life. He never once had an issue or resented helping me and my kids. His daughter is a thorn in my side. She is annoying. But she is not rude or disrespectful to me - probably because she was raised by her daddy and not psycho-bm. She has issues and goes to counseling every week. But my issues with her are more about me than her. I don't want to share him. I don't want her messing up things around my house. I can't stand how sneaky she is and the stupid lies that come out of her mouth. I hate that she has stolen things from me and that she hides food in her room. And her attitude and backtalk and needing to have the last word and always be right drive me crazy. I raised two boys and didn't have to deal with girl-drama. I didn't want to take a giant step backwards when my boys were almost out of the house.

The bottom line is DH loves his daughter. She is troubled. But she is a child and needs help.

I love my DH so much that it is worth it for me to help her with her issues and work through my issues so I can have peace of mind when dealing with his daughter. She will grow up and move out eventually. He and I will be together for the rest of our lives.

So many of the stories I read on this site are horrible - so much worse than mine. It makes me appreciate what I have even more - even though I still need to vent now and again.

frustratedstepdad's picture

I do love DW with all my heart, but I do ask myself this question ALL the time. Knowing all that I know now? I just don't know.....I really don't know....honestly, the answer would probably be no. Love is not supposed to be this stressful....

TheBrightSide's picture

Compared to a whole lot of people on this site...we have it pretty good. That being said, 80% of the time, I would have to say no, I wouldn't marry DH again. If we were ever divorced? I would NEVER marry a man with children.....its likely I wouldn't marry again at all. I would never LIVE with a man who had partial custody of the kids.

never, never, never, never.

I would cultivate great friendships with my female friends......and then just do the horizontal disco with a younger man every now and again.

I just think of how much money I would save!!! Wow!

hbell0428's picture

This is a tough one for me........there are times when I am sitting alone crying about what I got myself into and I tell myself to remember all this crap and just leave......But then there are times that DH and I know we are meant to be togther. And then I I leave and let SD win or would it be letting myself win because i would be happier. I don't really ask myself this question because I am afraid of the answer.

Auteur's picture

HELL to the NO!!!!!

I'm with Emotinally Beat up, et al.

This is worse than my first two marriages by far.

Seems GG (biodad I live with) has turned out to be just as violent as alcoholic abusive hubby #2 except HIS trigger is anything to do with his spawn or the Behemoth (BM) or her clan/family.

I can't say one word about them without him rocketing off into rage and ready to fight.

So I stay off that topic. Meanwhile he tries to find ANYTHING HE CAN that might have the SLIGHTEST INCLINATION toward me somehow trashing his previously enjoyed family as fodder to rumble with.

ladyfosho's picture

This question came up a few months ago and my answer was hell no. However, if I had to do it again, I would do a few things differently to see if that would have made things better than they are now. If things wouldn't be different, hell no is still my answer. I love him, but didn't realize all I would have to give up and compromise.

z3girl's picture

I wouldn't ever do it again if I had the chance. Unfortunately it does not have to do with DH's kid or BM.

Anything I dislike about SD20 is because of DH's and BM's poor parenting, that much is true. However, thanks to DH's very selective parenting and wanting to be involved in SD's life, I haven't had to deal with her nearly as much as most on here. Her age also helps at this point.

As you get older it's harder to find people without the baggage, so it would be difficult to be so selective and say no to men with children, but at least I'd have a better idea about the red flags thanks to this experience.

Vichychoisse's picture

We're not married, but if I were to be in this situation again, I would not live together. That made me involved in all the things I don't want to be involved in. Sure, it's more convenient for companionship and sex and whatnot, but the trade-off is not quite in the black.

To summarize: Date, don't mate.

No... er...

Date, don't cohabitate.