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Would you do it over again?

Cookieboom's picture

Would any of you do it again? (Getting with your SO's and dealing with SK/BM?) If I was told this would be how my relationship would be, I would not give BF a second look never mind the first one.

He is with SS for the morning and will see us at my family’s house for Xmas in the afternoon. He has to hide my and kids gifts and the food he is taking from SS before he comes to my family’s home (I love the fact that out of state out of mind is great, I don’t miss hearing BM and SS badmouthing me constantly; but now it is upsetting that he has to hide my existence…. It is starting to get ridiculous). 

I am so tired of living the life according to BM.  BF and lawyers keep telling me that this will all be over once the custody trial is over in March and BF gets a new iron clad CO.  But will it REALLY be over???????

GAL contacted BF and said, “What’s this I hear that SS found distaste photos of you and GF?”

Now he has to meet her and “explain himself,” so I guess we will find out what BM has been holding against us (As I said before there are no photos of us unless BF did it secretly…and if so he can go back to BM and they can have themselves a great life for of toxicity and drama!)

Happy Holidays everyone!! Thanks for being there!!!

tog redux's picture

I would do it again, but differently. I would encourage DH to avoid court as much as possible and settle issues sooner without fighting with BM.

I don't know how it's going to be when court is over, but having a CO doesn't mean BM can't withhold SS as soon as there is evidence of your existence again. I hope your SO doesn't plan to do this forever. Living apart makes sense, but him pretending you don't exist can't go on forever. 

Cookieboom's picture

I agree...this is my issue...It is easier/less stressful living apart but I know it can't be forever (all to please an adulterer who abandoned her son!!!) the hyprocrisy makes my blood boil....

CastleJJ's picture

I would do it again, but like Tog said, differently. I would have forced DH to go to court when SS was a baby to get a CO, not some mediation drafted one that BM abused him into signing when SS was 2. If court wasn't an option, then I would have forced him to stand up for his rights/lawyer up in mediation and demand a fair arrangement. I also would have encouraged him to not play BM's games and eliminate a lot of the bullshit communication that BM and DH engaged in. DH has developed iron clad boundaries over the years and has made BM accept them. We went from daily BM meltdowns and novels of communication about our "wrongdoings" to barely hearing from BM at all. DH did that all on his own by putting BM in her place and refusing to engage, forcing BM to eventually give up. Now if DH and BM were the same way now they were back then, I probably would have left and never looked back. 

I agree with Tog. Once BM rediscovers your relationship, she will likely not follow the CO, may attempt to take BF back to court, and will continue to play games solely to make BF (and you) miserable. With BMs like this, you can't win. Your BF will either need iron clad boundaries where he sets the rules, even if it means possibly losing SS or he keeps sneaking around with you to appease BM (which only empowers BM and makes you miserable). 

Cookieboom's picture

I'm glad you guys got on the same page.  Thanks for the advice.

simifan's picture

I can't imagine what your SO has to offer that makes it worth putting up with all this BS. It will not end when he gets a court order. BM in your case is so HC that she will drag him back to court and withhold SS until ths kid is 18. 

AlmostGone832's picture

No

thiscantbenormal's picture

No, absolutely not. Small chance of dating but no to living with him and meeting his kids and family.   I should have picked a sperm donor out of a catalog and done IUI to have my kid.

Cookieboom's picture

BM had him get snipped!!!  so none for me....

BF told me that when he got SS this morning, BM came out and looked into his car....The good news is I was not in it..LAME

CastleJJ's picture

Do you want kids of your own? 

This keeping you a secret cannot continue. I'm sure BM was thrilled to see you not in the car. Honestly, it would have been better had you been there because BM couldn't do a damn thing about it, except throw a tantrum. All of this crap to appease BM and maybe see SS. What is the long term plan when BM realizes you guys are still together or that you are still around? 

thiscantbenormal's picture

The vasectomy would have been a deal breaker for me eventually. I wanted to have a child.  And to have to be around his terrible son and 2 faced daughters every weekend knowing I couldn't have a child while he bred loony toon BM multiple times would have sent me into resentment overtime.

I've been the dirty secret to be hidden to keep BM from going off the rails. I don't have a genuine marriage, I have a marriage built off the leftovers and issues of his marriage with her.  Having to watch your back and wait for the other shoe to drop because he had a kid with an unstable person is no life to live. 

Elea's picture

I would have used a sperm donor instead of having children with my ex ...  and neither of us had children when we married. I can't even imagine how much worse it could have been if he had children from a previous relationship too. DH and I will never have children together and I am fine with that. 

CajunMom's picture

But as Tog said, I'd do things a lot different. First, I'd have never taken in DHs kids when BM decided she needed a mental health break. Three years in a row. My life was wrecked, my job was threatened and it was nothing but disgusting drama. Nope. Not again. If DH didn't want to leave his job to take care of his kids, then her adult kids, her siblings or the state would have stepped in. I would not have invested one bit of energy into kids who weren't mine and who's own parents didn't really care. And we'd have never wasted over $10K fighting for kids that really didn't want to be with us anyway. 

Regrets. I know we aren't suppose to have them but damn....while I try to convince myself that I did everything I could and some to help DHs kids, it still comes with regret. Someone in this world really needed me and I wasted all that good on individuals that didn't deserve it.

diver111's picture

We spent $25,000 on SD when she was 15 for a 6-month residential counseling/treatment program and that went straight to the crapper. She was back to her nonsense behavior within weeks of being released. Encouraged by MIL. At least we can say we tried! 

Lifer33's picture

Aside from the fact I have my lovely daughter... Every time I think things are settling down and going great there always has to be a new bump I'm the road, I'm tired of it all 

shamds's picture

With our rose coloured glasses and claim its not a biggie and it'll be fine after the wedding or us moving together. It isn't till after we're living together and have kids that the issues really pop up.

ss issues really became noticeable once i had our first kid. The shunning of us like we weren't family welcome at home despite me taking care if it. Sd's I didn't even meet till we were married 3.5 yrs with 2 kids aged 1 & 2.5 as they had cut off contact 5.5 yrs prior. 
 

thats when i noticed major issues, disrespectful behaviour and not respecting our boundaries and authority regarding our households and my 2 kids with my husband. But i had been a member here on st several months and grewa backbone and laid down firm boundaries 

if i knew of steptalk before i married hubby, i would have known I wasn't over exaggerating or overlooking the warning signs, they were real and i would have put firm boundaries in place and disengaged completely way early on in my marriage. I would have removed toxic skids out of my life earlier on in my marriage and set those boundaries early on

my husband has repeatedly said, if i left him because of his failures to set firm boundaries with skids making our home and married life so toxic, that it was pointless of him not putting our marriage first because he knows full well if i left him, his 3 kids from exwife that he refused to man up and address their issues and set firm boundaries, well they'd abandon him and he'd grow a lonely old man.

which begs the question, why fight so much and be so stubborn to set those basic boundaries and expectations if its for a lost cause? Why use the excuse if i give an ultimatum to my adult son aged 24.5 that in order to live in our marital home, he needs to be an active member of this household and not shun my wife and kids with her like they do not exist or he's out the door, that my son will threaten to leave home and do i want that. Ss hs no savings, no money to rent, if he runs away its a manipulative ploy to guilt hubby with disrespect.

hubby can't seem to understand why I don't want his adult kids living in our marital home when they are not my family or part of my household.

GrudgingSM's picture

No. As much as I love my partner, no. The price of admission is way to high, and even though my partner understands his kids are nightmares, he also doesn't fully understand what it's like for me and says he hopes someday I see his kids as family. People who make snide comments and go through my things and hurt my DS and even threaten me will never ever be a part of my family.

LittleCloud9's picture

Yes I would. Looking at how things have turned out I think maybe I should have done things differently like some have said but then I don't know what or how. Our step story has been crazy and difficult and often heartbreaking. But I sincerely love my dh from the bottom of my heart and really believe we tried our best with each challenge that came up. In the end then I guess I don't have any regrets. 

Sandybeaches's picture

I have changed my mind on that a few times. Sometimes a yes sometimes a hard NO...  

BM in my life has a personality disorder and has caused a lot of issues through the years and still does when she gets the chance.  DH's head in the sand approach has always been one of the biggest problems. I have dealt with a lot through the years and without much credit for it.  

If I did go back to the beginning yes most of it would be different.  I didn't understand a lot of the antics at the beginning so with more insight I would nip things sooner or be gone.  For example, my DH used to pick me up and bring me over to his house all of the time.  I thought he was being a gentleman but in reality it was so BM would not drive by and see my car and go crazy.  I do get he was hiding me not because he cared what she thought he was really hiding the fact of what he was dealing with and that she was crazy and would cause a scene and go ballistic.  He should have been upfront and given me the choice to see if I wanted to deal with this crazy situation before I was in so deep.  

Get this under control now is my advice.  We are married over 20 years and BM still tries to call the shots.  Doesn't even get a look now but still.  I don't have good relationships with my stepchildren and that is because BM never allowed it and was allowed to do that.  We can not all be at the same wedding or funeral because she has always been allowed to cause a scene.  I am the one who has bowed out.  I refuse to go to anything she is ever at again.  I don't care who gets married or dies never again after SS wedding.  

Losingit321's picture

I would not have done it again.... honestly I would have ran! I had no clue that after 7 years the BM would still have problems.. she gave the kid to us the week we got married.  I have had to keep my mouth shut about so much it's disgusting! 

Cookieboom's picture

Thank you for all of your replies. 

We have agreed that once the trial is over, BF needs iron clad boundaries where he sets the rules, I hope he can put his money where his mouth is.

We have discussed in therapy what will happen if BM/SS thinks we broke up, what BF’s answer to SS will be when he is faced with “You told BM that you and Christy broke up, you’re a liar!” (As far as the vasectomy, I do not want more kids) ….

For the poster whose DH used to pick her up and bring her over to his house, I have BF do that as I do not want her knowing my personal information.  When I first dated him, he lived on a side street and I used to park on the main street, so it was hard to tell which car I drove. Yet I did not know the trouble she gave his XGF when we first began dating…That only came out when she began her diatribe against me.  

We are trying to get this situation under control now.  BM still tries to call the shots with her stupid “I’m a queen” emails.  I not sure I will ever see SS again since BM never ruined it and also (Like some of the posters) was allowed to do that.  I have made the decision to bow out when going anywhere BM is at.  

In retrospect, Christmas was great, all of my friends and family love BF.  We all had a lovely time.  They have said multiple times that it would be a great relationship if he didn’t have SS/BM to contend with. 

Sandybeaches's picture

that my DH used to pick me up.  I understand why he did it and I was probably better off.  You are smart to watch out for yourself but make sure you keep your eyes open and focus on the situation.  Adults or should I say normal adults do not act like your BM or mine.  With that said this is not normal and THEY are not normal and that is not going to change.  Crazy people do not wake up one day sane.  This is something you will be dealing with forever so make sure it is worth it before you commit to this.  

Barelycoping's picture

If I knew what I know now I would have lifted my petticoats and ran

Tananne's picture

Sometimes yes and sometimes no.  Generally, the 'no' has really nothing to do with the SKs themselves, it's more about the fact that I've basically married my DH's narcissist ex-wife who operates on a totally different wavelength than I do and she will be a major part of our lives for at least the next 15 years.

However, I remind myself, that if it wasn't for everything DH went through in his past, he wouldn't be the incredible man he is today.  The heartache, pain, and loss have enabled him to become vulnerable, emotionally available and have given him the understanding that if he doesnt really "show up" as a husband or a father, everything precious to him can be ripped away in a matter of months.  I'm getting the man that his ex-wife was probably always hoping for and nagging him to be.  As much as I hate her for putting my DH and his kids through so much hurt, I also *sometimes* have a sort of empathy for her.  She was me in my previous marriage and im sure my ex-husband shows up for his current partner in ways I always wanted him to for me.  But as men tend to do, they don't really hear words, they hear silence. And it's not until a woman is so fed up and becomes completely apathetic and leaves... that's when he truly becomes everything she wanted. But it's too late.

This is a big generalization but what I've learned is true in my personal experience.

So all that said... If I was single, I wouldn't knowingly go on dates with single dads, however I want to know how someone's past had made them the absolute best version of themselves.  And if it's a truly amazing person, sometimes that price of admission is kids.

Tananne's picture

Also, I wrote that a few hours ago when I was in a better mood.  Having the kids over the holidays, no school, no nanny, and the constant need for attention every waking moment is super challenging. Not as much the attention it requires from me, but the jealously that I can't have DH to myself and knowing that their needs will always come first - as they should (note I said Needs not Wants). But emotionally it can be hard to reconcile with the fact that it will never just be "us".  I love the affection he shows his children but in my weakest moments I hate seeing him love on the people he created with another woman who he used to love for over a decade

seriouslyfreda's picture

No. However my former partner was abusive and took advantage of me financially so heck no.  His kids were also nightmares. Everyone's situaiton is different.