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Would this be a hill to die on? DH’s spending habits on SS13

Heathergreener12's picture

Now if SS13 had a Ounce of decency this is probably not bother me. SS13 the most spoiled entitled  Disrespectful brat. Plus BM married "rich" so SS expects the same at our house. DH and I are middle class at best. 
 

1. SS13 has hundreds of dollars BUT does not want to spend "his money" so expects DH to pay for things he wants. From new Electronics to school functions. DH always pays. 

2. We go out to eat and of course SS13 wants Lobster or steak. SS13 meal often costs more then DH and mine combined. SS13 NEVER finish's it as he always orders to much and refuses to eat "leftovers"  so DH eats it even if it's something he hates. DH pays. 
 

3. SS13 is very Stingy selfish with his money. Just Recently SS13 got a gift card for a ice cream place. SS13 was making very clear if DH or I wanted ice cream too don't even think about using SS13 gift card to pay for it. Not that we would but SS13 wanted to make sure we did not even think about it. This is NOT the first time something like this happened. 

Now I will say I personally refuse to give any money towards this Ungrateful brat. When we go out to dinner I pay for my meal ONLY. I have my own bank account and we split common household bills only. 
 

Still it drives me nuts how DH hands over money which he really does not have. Does it effect me? Financially im thinking no BUT it does but a dent in DH's spending  Ability which does effect me. DH  only goes to Restaurants that he has a coupon for. We struggle going on vacation once a year and it's usually just someplace we can drive too. I will add I spilt all these costs with DH unless the brat goes then I just pay my way. 
 

Yes I have Argued many times with DH about this BUT he just does not see it my way. 
 

So my question is how would you handle this? Honestly am I making a bigger deal then it is?

 

 

 

 

 

 

CrisS23's picture

Honestly I think his behaviour comes from somewhere inside the family. If it's not from your house then it's definitely from the mom's. They are teaching him to be rude, inconsiderate and someone has missed to share some light to a very important lesson called sharing. I think DH should have a talk with his ex wife about this and be honest about the fact that the financial situations are different. 
If he doesn't do it.. could you? Do you have a normal communication with her? 

futurobrillante99's picture

Easy. Your DH starts saying No. I would separate finances and no longer go anywhere with them for dinner. 

Thumper's picture

The hill you want to die on describes something so important to you that you are willing to fight to the death to accomplish it. Often, the idiom the hill you want to die on is used when describing something that will make or break one’s reputation, or result in either glory or ignominy.The phrase is often used in a question: Is this the hill you want to die on? This question may be considered a warning that taking a certain stance will probably result in defeat of one sort or another. The idiom the hill you want to die on is derived from a military term. Fighting to take the position of a hill from an enemy is nearly impossible and results in mass casualties. One must be sure that the hill is worth the cost of taking it.

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Maybe this will help you make your decision.

Good Luck Smile

 

 

Rags's picture

 I for one applaud this kids savings habits.  Saving one's money, protecting those savings, and diligently maintaining those saving is not greed IMHO. It is financial maturity and financial intelligence.  This does not mean that this kid is something great. It just means he saves his money.

That said, if you and daddy don't change the give him what he wants when he wants it crap, nothing will change.

Sharing a toy, sharing his French fries, etc... is certainly a lesson he needs to learn. 

However, saving his money is a far more important lesson IMHO.  Teach him the value and benefits of charity, keep him focused on managing his money.   As the old adage goes... "A fool and his money are soon parted."   Every kid needs a clear understanding of what it takes to earn money and that no one who is unwilling to work or save for themselves should have access to the money he has either worked to earn, or worked to safe.  Most people find that saving takes as much if not more work than earning.

He is 13.  If the family is going out to dinner, his meal should be paid for by the adults. IMHO.  If you take issue with his Lobster tastes, then let him choose from the kid menu or set a per meal budget that each kid has to choose their meal within.

What is the goal you have in mind for accessing HIS money? 

I'm Just curious.

 

Heathergreener12's picture

First SS13 is great about saving HIS money but Scrooge was great about saving his money also see my point. SS13 has NO problem wasting DH money on everything under the sun but refuses to spend a dime of his money. Not sure how SS got this way as neither parent EVER made SS go without. 
 

What is my goal you ask? It's more a fear. SS13 has yet to reach the "expensive years" car, college wedding etc. I totally see SS13 wanting a BMW and/or Yale education and wanting daddy to pay for it while SS Hordes thousands of dollars. SS has not even started working and flat out said he plans on taking a year or two off and not work after he Graduate high school to "enjoy life". SS also informed us he plans on living with us intill he can afford to buy his own house as he's not renting and living in a starter place. What 13 yr old boy thinks like this???

futurobrillante99's picture

You're still not seeing the clear picture. The problem is NOT SS13, it's his parents and, in particular, your husband. Your husband has a problem with spoiling this kid.

SS13's attitude is not great, but Rags is right that you can't fault a kid for saving his money. If his parents wouldn't indulge his every whim he'd likely just go without the extras to protect his money or he would spend his money.

I think you're seriously focusing on the wrong male in this picture. Set boundaries with your husband on spending if it's a concern. You shouldn't miss out on vacations, a nice life and a comfortable retirement because your spouse is indulging his child. And, you have a LOT to say about whether or not SS lives with you while he saves for a house.

Boundaries are your friend.

ESMOD's picture

Yes.. I remember clearly one Christmas we took both SD's and the inlaws to our place in FL.  Every year the inlaws would gift their grandkids money.. like 100 dollars each.  So... we had already bought the kids some gifts too... but it was post Xmas and OSD wanted to stop by a store while we were on vacation to look and see if they had the covetted North Face jacket she wanted.

So, we are in the store and looking around.. I found one but it was periwinkle blue fleece.. not the regiment black that OSD needed to buy because if she didn't have EXACTLY what her peers had it would mean she was not as good as them.  She does find the jacket she wants.. and so as we are all there waiting she is asked if she will buy it.  She doesn't answer.. just keeps trying it on.. stroking the fleece longingly... (she is like 15 I think).. and no one steps up to buy it for her.. We point out.. you have enough of your Christmas money (plus money we had given her to spend on vacation).. to buy this.  if this is what you really want.. you should get it.

But.. in the end.. she could not bear to spend her own money.. but was quite pouty about the situation since no one would pony up and buy it.. not her dad.. not her grandparents..

I of course, was irritated because we wasted over an hour while she mooned over this stupid jacket and acted like a spoiled brat on our vacation.. but she wouldn't come off her own money.. so she got nothing.

New_to_this's picture

I think your fears are valid. I certainly had these fears as well. I think having two kids of my own has squashed any plans DH could possibly have of spending that much money on the skids.

But, yes, both skids try not to spend their own money and ask DH for everything. I got DH to realize this was happening and he does a fairly decent job now of having them use their own money. I'm not sure why the skids are like that. SD, in particular, always ask DH for stuff that she would never buy with her own money and would never ask BM for. It's beyond frustrating that they look at us like an ATM, but see BM as a poor soul.

It was definitely not how I was raised. I used my own money for most of my things - I'd feel bad spending my parents' hard-earned money. Maybe the skids think that DH makes easy money, so they justify it. Since you've already talked to DH about this with no resolution that you would be satisfied with, I think you just need to keep your finances separate for your own protection.

Rags's picture

Remember, before Scrooge could shower the benefits of his wealth on others, he had to create it.

You are forecasting worst case events that are very easily addressed between now and the point they may occur.

First, your DH needs to grow some balls and learn the word "NO!".  Kids can take a gap year, only if they work to pay for it, or, con a parent into funding it for them.  Which your DH is highly likely to do if you cannot find a way to extricate his head from his ass.  Second, SS will live with you once he turns 18 only if you allow it. NO!.... also solves this possibility.

While  your SS's protection of HIS money irritates you, you are completely missing what the problem is.  Not only is your SS growing his savings, he is irritating you while he does it.  Fix the problem with your DH and your irritation will fade because SS will no longer get exactly what he wants from guilty dad and if he wants it, he will have to pay for it.

 

1dad4kids's picture

Here's my problem... You pay for your own, every time? DH never spends on you? Despite the fact that spending on you would actually be less than your SS. I don't know, that seems unfair. I assume you never spend on him then? 

Most parents set limits on meals (I mean those that have budgets to think of) so there's zero way that a middle class parent should be forking out for lobster suppers. 

But, if it's not your money and you don't suffer from it (aside from not getting treated because he does) then I'd try to let it go.

Merry's picture

Sound like SS needs some limits. If DH already pays child support, is there an additional amount he's willing to spend for random crap (I mean electronics, etc.) when SS is with him? Set a budget, explain the budget to SS (he's plenty old enough to learn about money management), and stick to it. This isn't a competition with wealthy BM. Remember that. It is NOT a competition.

Likewise, set limits on the price of restaurant meals. (SS, pick something from the sandwich choices, not the full meal choices. And don't go to steak and lobster restaurants very often.) Also, as to leftovers, if that's what's serverd for lunch or dinner, it's his choice to eat it or go hungry, or if you're particularly generous, he can make his own pbj sandwich or bowl of cereal.

Not wanting to share a gift card for ice cream -- that one isn't about the money per se, but how he presents himself as selfish. It's his money, he can spend it as he likes, and he's right about that. But announcing that HE alone will get ice cream is rude. I would not expect my kid to use her gift card on me, but i also wouldn't drive her to the ice cream shop if she were all about ME ME ME ME either.

Wilhelm's picture

It is a shame this child is not learning gratitude and sharing but I am not sure that it is your job to teach it.

The fact SO does not buy you lobster at the same meal as his son does not set a great precedent. He is mot seeing his father share with you.

I handle all the finances in the family and occasionally buy adult skids a meal when we are out. They are fairly careful to order something they believe would be within a similar budget to what DH and I are having.

 

New_to_this's picture

My SS was the same way when he was younger. I mentioned it to DH often but he'd forget the next time we went out to eat and SS would just continue to order the most expensive or largest item on the menu no matter what restaurant we were at or it at least had to be more expensive than everyone else's meal. And he obviously wasn't eating 3/4 of what he got, so DH and SD would finish his food.

He was 8 years old I came into the picture and was probably around 12 years old when DH changed things. So yeah, an 8 year old ordering $20+ entrees. Fun times for me.

I eventually just refused to go out to eat at sit down restaurants with SS unless it was an event or a birthday. I told DH fast food only and he could take SS if he wanted without me.

Turns out, DH just likes the path of least resistance. So, he's happy only taking SS to fast food restaurants. SS can happily order the most expensive items at McDonalds/Chipotle and go off menu to make it more expensive. He gets to always have the most expensive meal than everyone else, which I guess fulfills whatever he needs to make him feel good and I don't care.

Eventhough SS is older now, we still stick with it. Everyone seems fine with the setup. It means that I don't get to go to places I'd like to go, but it's better than the alternative.

nappisan's picture

it would frustrate me that your husband would happily allow his 13yr old to order lobster at a resturant ,, i dont know any parent who allows that!  kids pick from the kid menu end of story.    My ex SS13 dictated where we all ate cos he only ate sausages and mash,, so a whole group of adults would have the resturant selected to eat at as they had sausages on the menu,,, most times he wouldnt eat it anyway as the sausages didnt come from a certain shop and wernt cooked by dad. I stopped sitting near him if we went out for a family meal as it just irritated the shit out of me

caninelover's picture

that served steak and lobster.  We went out for pizza or chinese food.  Even if we did, and I ordered lobster, my parents would have laughed, changed my order to a grilled cheese, and told me to eat lobster when I was older and had my own job.

OP's DH should be setting limits with the son and not trying to keep up with BM.

charlieskeeper1's picture

I think boundaries need to be set with your SS so that his expectations get adjusted. He is still quite young & clearly good at getting his own way but that is his Dad's fault for giving too much. Dad needs to start thinking longer term & educating his son in the value of money, earning, allocating money to spend/save, the benefits of sharing & showing kindness to others etc.

This has to be agreed with his Dad to instigate, it shouldn't seem to be driven by you. Frank conversations with Dad are required, spoiling the kid is not good for him.