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Worried about friend.

NoNameThx's picture

I don't know if I am putting this in the right place or not but I just have to get this out of my system.

My best friend, for the last 10 years, has been a single mom to her 2 kids. She became a single mom because her ex husband left her when he found out their son was diagnosed with autism. He just left...no goodbyes...and has never spoken to her or her kids again. You'd THINK it'd make her think very carefully about men she dates.

Last year, she starting dating a guy she met online and quickly got engaged. From the very get go, I got a BAAAADDD vibe from him...and it never went away...and it started to manifest itself. This guy smarts off to me and my husband, and makes it clear he's annoyed by our very presence. Now mind you, before he came along, the three of us hung out a LOT and my husband's daughter (my SD12) is close friends with her kids. Every single time we've tried to interact with him, he's been a total jerk.

To make matters worse, read on...and a disclaimer beforehand...I think we ALL agree that we totally sympathize with stepparents and future stepparents because, well, the job sucks. And I ALSO think we can all agree that we've all worked very hard and TRYING to be in our skids' lives.

My best friend has two kids. One, a girl who is 12. Other, a boy who is 15. The boy is autistic. He is high functioning, smart, and social and has many friends. But he has autism. My best friend made that clear to him from the beginning of their dating, that she has an autistic son. The boy is a total sweetheart and everyone loves him. But he does have quirks that a lot of autistic kids have; scripting (quoting something over and over and over); need for schedules to stay on schedule and not deviate; and occasional outburts when he is upset. He doesn't have total meltdowns like other autistic kids have, but when he gets upset he will sometimes raise his voice at you; and not because he's mad at you, he's just overwhelmed about something. All of us in his life know this, and we love him and support him through those times.

This guy, well...he gets VERY angry at the boy very easily. And a lot of times he waits til my best friend is out of the room so she hasn't seen all of it. Him telling the boy to "shut the hell up", "get the hell away and pipe down", stuff like that. VERY cringeworthy stuff. Another time we were all hanging out, and he got pissed off at the autistic boy's meltdown. My best friend said, "He really cannot help that. Can't you see we're all trying to intervene and calm him down?" His response? "Oh that's right, he has autism, and he can do whatever he wants."

Please understand. My friend is NOT the kind to use his disability as a crutch, and there are plenty of times the boy gets punished when he does something that was wrong that the autism didn't cause.

OK, well here's what I am getting at. Even though I've talked to her MULTIPLE times and told her what a mistake she is marrying a man that hates her friends and seems to resent her autistic son, and even though she AGREED at times that his behavior is out of line...THEY ELOPED TODAY.

My heart sank when I saw it on Facebook. I am afraid that this man is only going to get worse. I already feel like he is verbally abusive to the autistic boy. He's never made ANY effort to try and be in her kids' lives, and has made NO effort to get to know her friends.

She texted me and asked why I haven't congratulated her. I told her that I think she made the biggest mistake of her life, and that I hope I am wrong and that he's a better husband that I predicted him to be. She hasn't responded back.

What do all of you make of this? I mean her ex LEFT HER because he didn't want to parent an autistic boy, yet she just married a man who clearly despises her autistic boy!!!

blayze's picture

You did the right thing to tell your truth as a friend... and no doubt, she'll back if you were right about the guy. My best friend from college married a horrible man that I got a sick feeling from the day we both met him. I tried to hold my tongue at first, for like 4 years. Then they (SHE) decided to marry and I couldn't hold back. It sucked watching her get hurt. He slept with other MEN, gave her an STD, pressured her to do drugs, drained her bank account, hardened her heart, etc. However, that was years ago, and today, she is stronger and done with him. It doesn't matter that everything I felt was true... he was a horrible lesson, and she's a better person because of it.

Although you're right, people have to go through their own experiences. Their SOULS need the mistakes for learning how to love - both themselves and others. You may lose her for awhile, but she won't be gone forever. While you no doubt hurt for her son and for your friend, she is learning, and she (and her son) will hopefully use this experience to grow. Just love her from afar and pray that she sees the light.

ctnmom's picture

Blayze said it the best. Lord, that poor kid. Just be there for her, hold your nose around him, and of course be there for the kid. What a mess.

Generic's picture

Wow! I love this. All of it.

I've been away for a while and I'm shocked at the difference in posts. Both in tone and depth.

Generic's picture

You both gave the same advice. Whether or not Sue2 feels any sympathy for the woman has no bearing.

2Tired4Drama's picture

NoName, as much as you wish you can exert some control or influence this situation here's the sad truth: You can't.

I agree with Sueu on this one. Based on my own experiences with friends in bad relationships/marriages, I've learned that people pretty much will do what they want. No matter what you say. No matter how long you've been friends.

If your friend's new husband does not like you, which is apparent, then you will not be a part of her life. It's nice to say that you can let her know you are there for her if she needs you but it could be years before she wakes up. And in the meantime you will lose your connection to each other.

The bottom line is it's her life, her children and she's responsible for it all. You can't be the relationship police and think you will have a role in her life pointing out how horrible her husband is and hope she sees the light.

I've known women in abusive relationships where their family, friends and the entire community (including professional and legal support) have helped them escape and start over with new lives in new places. And you know what? Many of them turn right around and go back to the guy within a year.

Remember that friends come and go in our lives. Some for a reason, some for a season but very very few are friends for life. I had a friend for almost 40 years. We were like sisters, in fact closer than I am to my own sister. But her husband hated me from the get-go. Always did. I think he knew I was on to him and how he was manipulating her. So he used every passive aggressive trick in the book to drive a wedge between us. After he played that game for more than 15 years I realized the truth. The truth is that despite being an a$$hole, he was her husband, the father of her children and she was perfectly happy with him and didn't want to acknowledge the games he played or his mean-spiritedness towards me - she was always making excuses or laughing it off. I was not willing to be treated that way by anyone, and was having an increasingly hard time biting my tongue. But I didn't want to create conflict in her household.

The best thing I could do, the best "friend" I could be to her, was to slowly bow out of their lives. And that's what I did. We have not spoken or been in contact for more than eight years now. I miss the "old" her terribly but I look upon it like a death. Because the friend I miss is not the same person who is married to this a$$hole.

Generic's picture

Oftentimes the husband will convince his wife that the friend is jealous. Or my personal favorite, wants HIM for her own. There is nothing you can do to stop the nonsense. Just know how much you are willing to put up with and realize that the end may be near. She will reach out in her own time. Hopefully, you will still be there for her.