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will this ever end???

Strong mom's picture

I have been lurking for a long time, but haven't posted much. I am beyond stressed so I guess I am looking for support/advice.

Dh and I have been married almost two years. I have two sons, 16 and 12 and ss10 and ss8. I have 50/50 custody of mine and get along great with their dad. His kids live about 10 hours from us and visit on school breaks. We were in court this week to enforce the agreed upon 8 week summer visitation. He won that and now the kids are mad that they have to come here for that long. They won't talk to him and now bm is saying she is going to take us back to court. I feel like we are going to be in court all the time until they are adults. This is so frustrating!!!

Jsmom's picture

Follow the CO. Do not let the kids dictate. That will cause more problems down the road. The kids will get over it after a few more weeks.

ChokinOnLemonz's picture

Follow the court order. She has no leg to stand on when they are 10 and 8.

Now if they are 16 and 14, it's time to consider their feelings.

But don't let steal this precious time away while they are still young. When they are teens they are going to hate all of you anyway lol

Rags's picture

If she drags you back to court this soon nail her ass with a custody suit and sue her for harassment and court costs.

Have fun doing it too. }:)

Strong mom's picture

One of my biggest problems is that I am a people pleaser. I hate conflict and avoid it at all costs. A few years ago she made some very serious allegations that the judge did not believe and even mentioned this time in regards to how ridiculous they were. Anyway, I am afraid of what she will get the kids to say about us. They say their dad and I are mean and we yell all the time. We have yelled in the past (what parent hasn't), but we have gone to counseling to work on our parenting and are trying every day to be better. I was thinking that we need to try to find some friends for them, maybe that would help some.

Like many of you said, they are still young and he keeps fighting because he wants them to know he wants to be with them and they are important. He is not doing this to make them miserable. My guess is we will be dealing with attitudes when they get here since they don't want to be here anyway. I want to be supportive because I love dh, but the stress of going to court again really sucks.

oneoffour's picture

Why are they 10 hrs from their father? Did BM move away or DH?

I can see it from their point of view. They have to live with someone they don't know very well and your kids. BM may well be filling their heads with nonsense about your boys.

But they should spend time with their father. What do you have planned for summer? Is DH working all summer? Do you have passes for the local pool? Are your boys going to watch them? Not that I believe the entire 8 weeks should revolve around their wants and more wants making it a Disney Spectacular that leaves your near bankruptcy. But let them know you have plans... Camping, fishing, swimming, canoeing, visit the zoo, swimming, hire a projector and watch movies in the back yard at night, teaching his sons how to grill food, doing some building thing. He cannot insist they come and dump them at home all week. I would be miserable as well!

DH should spend some time with them alone so he can re-connect with them. I made sure DH spend time alone with his sons growing up (although they were here 2nd weekend and during the week). He wanted me along and I often declined. I am not their mother. We do not have shared memories. They do.

Admit to the boys yes, in the past you have yelled and now you know that is the wrong thing to do. Make them see you have changed because they only have past experiences to base their future on. If I yelled at you every day for 10 days and then told you I was done yelling, would you believe me? Or would my non-yelling convince you?

DH should let the boys know that this time they have to come. And then plan something they will enjoy.

Calypso1977's picture

my fiance has opted to give up on fighting for his visitation rights. its emotionally exhausting, financially draining, adn even when the court/judge orders something BM still opts not to do what she's supposed to do and nothing happens to her.

he sees SD14 when she feels like it and when she doesnt feel like it he doesnt argue any more. we've had police interaction to document visitation refusals and the like. its just too much for him and i support his choice to not fight anymore. it isnt healthy.

his daughter is a twatwaffle just like her mother and always will be.

Strong mom's picture

I think that someday he will give up fighting too. Before he and bm split up, he got a job where we live now and she led him to believe she would move, but when he accepted the job and came here, she said she wanted a divorce. So technically he moved away from the kids, but only because he thought they were all relocating. Right now he feels like his kids are so young that he needs to show that he wants time with them. Sounds like it may not end until he gives up.