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Will boyfriend accept my kids?

JoJolj's picture

I am not married or living with my boyfriend of 1 year, but we may one day in the future. I am 47 with 2 boys aged 8 and 11. The 11 year old has autism and ADHD. No intellect disability but behavioural issues. Their Dad (we’ve been divorced since 2013) sees them and is involved in their lives. My ex DH was controlling and a jerk to me and continues at times to contribute towards my kids having a bad attitude towards me.

 

the problem is I want to be in a committed relationship again. It’s been 7 years since I separated and I’ve already had 1 three year relationship which ended. I am with a loving 53 year old man who was married for 20 years and has no kids. He loves and I love him but so far he’s struggling with my kids. He’s not had much experience with kids. I want marriage again in my near future. We had a heart to heart last night and I was quite upset. He said he is worried how he will be living with my kids and their attitude towards their mum (me) and worried about how he will react as it makes him  angry and he is not sure about it all. He said he’s not ready for this. So I don’t know how long to give this relationship? He’s not made a huge effort with my kids, I remind him we are a package deal. He says he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. Do I stay or find someone else? He said he’s always nervous around my kids but they aren’t that bad! Yes they misbehave! Is he the wrong guy? 

sunshinex's picture

You state your kids have a bad attitude towards you. Let’s be real, are you parenting them so this stops? Because if they have a bad attitude towards you, their mother, they probably have that same bad attitude towards other adults. Your own kid being an asshole to you is annoying let alone someone else’s kid. 

You need to stop the crap ASAP... consequences every single time they talk back, give attitude, raise their voice, refuse to listen, etc. and your boyfriend needs to be the fun one while you handle dicipline for a while. 

This is the only way your kids will ever, ever have a relationship with your boyfriend because it’s the only way they’ll be standable for him. He should be able to find things in common with them while YOU parent to make them likable.

This means NO babysitting, NO getting them ready for school, NO money spent on them. He shouldn’t have to take any responsibility for them until he’s ready and that may take a while but it’ll go quicker if you make sure they’re not brats! 

ESMOD's picture

This is tough.. a bit of a reverse of my situation with older participants as I was about 10 years younger when I met my DH.  I didn't have any kids and was honestly not naturally a mothering type (if there is a type..lol).

Anyway, it really depends on what your expectations are for everyone involved. 

First your BF.  Yes, your kids are part of the deal because you are not going to stop being their mother.  However, do you expect him to be a father figure?  A friend to them? A fun uncle?  What are your expectations there.  Also, what power does he have with your kids? Do you back him up and let him set boundaries and rules with your kids... or do you "blindly" defend against any criticism he has for them?  Being a step parent is difficult... you have people in your home that need to learn to be good citizens... but you may not be given very much authority over them and they have other influences (your EX) that they don't have control over.  Unless you as the bio parent is doing a bang up job of parenting and being open and supportive of your partner's role (whatever that may be) it is tough to make it work.

Now to your kids.  You say your Ex makes them act like a ahole to you.. well, of COURSE your BF cares about you.. so of course he wants to defend YOU.. but then you come back at HIM because he is attacking your babies... see how that can be 22 shades of messed up?  YOU need to show him that YOU can handle your kids and put them in your place.  It sounds like you may be a bit soft on them in that regard... don't be.  They will need to live in the real world and the real world doesn't judge excuses.. it judges actions.  It's your job to ensure that you raise good people.  How do you want them to relate to your BF?.. a father figure... your BF.. what?

And finally there is you.. what role do you want in the home.. partner with your BF?  Him taking the lead?  Letting you handle the kids..? 

Look, being  a parent and being a step parent doesn't come with a book of rules.  Every situation is and can be different and the people that succeed are those that can bend at the right time and stand firm when they need to.  It can be tough to know when those times are too and no one goes through this without making mistakes.  It's how we recover from those mistakes and whether we respect each other in the end that matters.  Your BF may have a hard time respecting you as a person if you allow your kids to run rampant over you.. so it's vital for you as the only bio parent in the home to set the tone.

JoJolj's picture

Yep I agree with what you have said. I would rather he take a backward step and I do not expect a lot of him at all. Yes he defends me. 

georgina29's picture

This is going to be hard to hear but your boyfriend likely feels the way he does because your kids have been abusive towards him. Your child (and likely yourself as well) have also likely taken advantage of your boyfriend in several ways. It is not his job nor his resonsiblity to take care of your kids, be it financially, babysitting, watching them, helping you with them, etc. whatever else. That is the responsbility of you and the children's father soley. It is also not his job to put up with your childrens' poor behavior constantly. The reality is no one loves other peoples kids like their bio parents or bio grandparents do no matter what fantasy you have been believing in.  It doesnt mean you cannot remarry one day and be a family together but you have to seriously put in the work which includes parenting correctly and setting boundaries with your ex. If you find your child being a bratty little jerk annoying can you imagine how it feels to someone to whom the kid isnt even their own offspring? And the reality is at the end of the day no one(legally) has to put up with your kids besides you and their bio dad. If you want someone to marry you and be a step parent to your children you have to put in the work and it starts with good parenting and consistancy. Have your bf post on here so we can hear his side of the story.

classyNJ's picture

Is he the wrong guy?  Only you can decide that, but if you have to ask....

I do not have any advice but I will tell you from experience is that the ONLY problem I have with my SS's are the way they treat and talk to their father (my SO).  I get so enraged that all I can do is walk away and cry.  Yes he does discipline them, yes he does stand up for himself, yes he is strict but does not beat his kids.  But like 90% of all teenage boys they are assholes.

A month ago I almost left because of how they treat him.  They treat me fine.  Respectful, nice and SS19 is very thoughful of me and we have a great relationship.  SS15 and I are at times great, but when he is being a little asshole I will flat out ignore him.  

It is extremely hard and takes a lot of heart to stand there and watch some one you love and respect get treated like shit by the ones that he loves the most and does everything for.  Just put yourself in his shoes. 

Old sm's picture

A committed relationship does not necessarily involve marriage. He can be committed to you, not your sons. That is your job. Let him keep the households separate and don’t force him to deal with your sons. Pressuring him will make him run

still learning's picture

It sounds like the answer is NO he does not accept your kids, which entails their bad behavior and disrespect towards their own mother.  The best thing for you would be to focus on parenting and your childrens behavior rather than your moving in with this poor guy and getting him to marry you.  Date during the time the kids are with their dad, let your BF keep his peaceful home.