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Will BM ever be happy?!?

abugandabean's picture

She's put me through the wringer time and time again. She put me through HELL for over a year to the point where I had to get a no contact order against her.

Well BM and FDH were supposed to go to court and they agreed to mediate with our lawyer and stay out of court but one of her demands was for me to drop the no contact. I couldn't agree to this, she just harassed me way too much and did thinks like call me a home wrecking whore in front of my kids and step kids, etc. It was just too much. I eventually caved a bit and sent her an emailing saying she could contact me in the event of an emergency and she couldn't reach FDH.

This has caused SO many issues with FDH and I. We were supposed to have a romantic weekend away this past weekend that she caught wind of so of course she bombarded him with texts because SD was "in the hospital" this is her MO when she wants attention SD is "in the hospital" which we can never confirm however the custody hearing has not yet been cancelled so he couldn't very well just ignore that which turned into another huge fight and ruined a whole evening of our trip. She sent him probably 40 texts over the weekend telling him how terrible of a father he was and that she hopes that he is gone for "funeral or military duty" and how nice it must be to pick our weekends?! Um, that is why there is a schedule bitch! So we can plan our lives around when we have our kids! ARGH! He had blocked her from texting and told her he'd unblock her providing she didn't do exactly what she's doing but he won't reblock it now because it will make him look bad, blah blah blah.

Nothing we do will ever make her happy. Nor will she ever stop. I take it all personally its just the type of person I am and he's the type where nothing bothers him it all rolls off his shoulders and he doesn't think it's a big deal.

We are getting married in October and having a destination wedding just the two of us. She I am sure will somehow find out and will ruin the whole thing.

How do you other ladies deal with high conflict CRAZY BM's? I am at the end of my rope with her and I seriously don't know how much longer I can take this.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Here a tip ~ you seem to be a very logical person ~ here lies your problem ~ you are trying to rationalize crazy and you never will. She is out if her cotton picking mind ~ release all the energy you give her and choke it up to NEVER understanding her.

Picture yourself as a parked car ~ n she ( the female dog ) is the crazy dog that is barking at that parked car. From your view ~ she is barking at what a parked car.

Give her the bird ~ don't let her get to you. It will bother her more that you are happy ~ the happier you are the crazier she will be.
Give her a biscuit , maybe she can roll over and play dead if your lucky.

spittenfire's picture

Boy is this not exactly the truth! I am still trying to learn that I cant rationalize crazy!

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Broke .....

I have been working on this concept for 5 years. Crazy and throw in narcassist and isn't that a perfect combination of WTF !!!

I can't understand anything she does ~ she says one thing and does another. If things go a rye on our watch she was punished ~ if it happens on her watch we were notified n punishment adhere to. But....... If it was her weekend ~ grounding was done. Smoking pot ~ she was grounded for 10 days.

Sd vandalized my house ~ cut the screens in the garage to escape after we went to bed. Fiancé found that beautiful art work while clean up the yard. I went crazy ~ told her to pack her shit ~ I was DONE. Sd ran away out the back door ~ called crazy BM ~ n she was telling me sd called her n she was on her way. Which was 25 minutes away but the conversation on the phone was her asking me what is going on this weekend ~ I said I am sorry I am more worried about SD being alone wherever she is ~ WTF ??

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Ahhh the choosing of the parents ~ ha ha I laugh at that.

Let's see ~ after SD was with her bf n they got pulled over by the cops n the cops called me to pick her up ~ bf had drugs n paraphernalia on him. Yeah ~ sorry your grounded. Then SD got invited to the party of the century ~ rich girl party ~ she asked we said No. Crazy ass BM got invited as well ~ never checked w us about going to party. BM felt like she would be chaperoning if she went. SD was invited by herself but asked the girl who was having party if she could bring bf along. Now I ask you who does this ??? Sure your grounded but you can go to the party ~ am I in the twilight zone.
Ahhh n my favorite ~ guess who got caught having sex after school on school property n got caught by a coach n the team. Yeap you got it !!!

Soon after she started harassing my daughter at school bullying her n that my friend was a wrap. Bye bye SD ~ my home my rules ~ that mat on the front stoop says welcome but it wasn't meant for you my dear. You had tye chance to shape up but now you gotta go.

I have tried n tried ~ this is my home n you have no respect for me, my kids, my home nor your father. This world does not revolve around you ~ there are rules to be followed.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

As left our house ( thank The Lord) in 2011 ~ been a walk in park compared to her constant drama. I feel bad for fiancé ~ cause she had refused to speak to him until the last 6 months. Went to a family wedding n they rekindled ~ which has caused some drama for me ~ she is still bashing my kids n myself on social media but it's interesting cause her cousins n aunts n uncles are on her social media ~ so they get to see her act just like her apple tree.

Fiancé misses her n I hurt for him but he can see her all he wants just not in my home. This is my children's safe haven n I will not sacrifice my children's emotional or mental status for her. Not happening.

abugandabean's picture

Very good advice Easy thank you!!! I am chuckling to myself picturing her as the dog in a car!! Smile After calling the hospital and FDH's insurance company is was verified that SD was NOT in the hospital this past weekend. Geez!!

Rose.Colored.Glasses's picture

Ugh that sucks. The BM in our situation doesn't text like that, but last year we both took a week long "stay-cation". She sabotaged it by saying she has to work and no one else would watch her. Um, ok...who usually watches her during the week? And no one works 24/7, bitch...mother your child for one week is all we ask!!! I didn't have my 3 bio's for a week but got stuck with that little monster all week long and what do you think she was like that whole week? Clingy and def mini-wife...

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

My crazy BM text fiancé to tell him the SD was in the hospital cause she couldn't breath ~ ummmm I say to fiancé ~ I know strep throat is going around. Fiancé says to me ~ if it is life threatening the hospital will call ~ get the text the next day SD had strep throat. Jesus Christ BM ~ when you do want to parent you go into hysterics ~ when you kid was about the enter kindergarten ~ you think maybe the 2 years you neglected to get her immunization shots was that an intelligent mommy. She is a giant ASS !

No time for her drama ~ the world will not stop for you tinkerdouche !!

abugandabean's picture

To keep it out of court (which I don't understand he was excited about this a few weeks ago but whatever to each his own) but she said she wanted the no contact dropped and texting reinstated before she'd sign anything. I didn't drop the no contact if she contact me outside the VERY clear boundaries i'm going straight to the police.

Orange County Ca's picture

You're getting married? That's like escaping Hell only to wander back in the front door trying to get warm again.

This guy is still waiting:
"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned,"
William Congreve (24 January 1670 – 19 January 1729

misSTEP's picture

Here is what we did to minimize the BM drama in our lives. DH had no contact order added to CO outlining visitation and CS. We also requested a neutral third-party pickup/dropoff center. It was the same place they had supervised visits for people and it cost us $15 a month (and BM as well). Best $15 ever spent.

It also helped because we had extra proof of the crap she would try to pull.

She does not need to have telephone or text access to your DH.

sickofitall's picture

This is a trick that BM used to try on me and DH until I made DH realize it was all a sick game. When SD was little DH used to call SD every night. I finally put a stop to it because he couldnt talk to SD without BM keeping him on the phone forever fighting. When we went on vacation one time BM said SD was peeing blood and she was taking her to the hospital. DH freaked out and I told him-calm down she has a UTI. And she did. Weve had so many health "scares" Im not sure me or DH would ever believe them ever again. Id have to see like a limb missing or something to believe anything is wrong. Smile

She also used to like to tell SD that we didnt love her as much as our BDs because she wasnt invited to go on vacation. Um DH used to ask and beg and BM would tell him no because she couldnt live without SD for a whole week and would literally be dead when SD came back. She also told SD this at some point. Serious PASing and it worked like a charm.

OP you need to have as little contact with BM as possible. Same with your DH. There is just not a need for all the conversation these BMs try to initiate.

Until we got smart BM ruined or tried to ruin my wedding, vacation, my babies christenings and 1st birthdays. By the time we got to 1st birthdays we were wise to her games and ignored her but she pulled in DHs family and they turned against us because we didnt believe BM. SD is still alive and kicking and that was a long time ago. LOL

You need to set strict boundries with BM and maintain them. These high conflict BMs know when they dial down the crazy that normal healthy people start to think "Oh good. Things will be normal now". Then they suck you in by being calm and nice and start in again. Its a cycle I lived for years. Crazy doesnt change. Family wizard would be great. I wish we had it when we needed it way back when.

Maybe BM wouldnt have called my DH to figure out how to halve a recipe and then told me "I am making cupcakes for our DAUGHTER and you better get used to me calling because as her father he is going to help me with her when I need him to". That was a day where she called 10 times in one day just to ruin our day because DH was off work and home alone with me without SD being there to run interference.

You need to block BM completely. You have nothing to do with BM. Let DH handle her when absolutely necessary and to me unless its life or death, in these situations there should be very little to discuss.

Orange County Ca's picture

Reminds me of a professor I had once who said that make-up tests would be administered to anyone who brought in the stub of their arm. No make-up tests were administered.

MEL1297's picture

DH NEEDS to put a stop to this. This is all BM has left, trying to interrupt your lives - this is what makes her happy. He needs to either put his foot down or ignore unless life or death. Is SD in the "hospital"? Agreed get the hospital name, room number AND THAT IS ALL. You shouldn't have to live your life like this.

BM did this to us early on, we were on vacation that we had been planning for a year, texted DH (he was my boyfriend at the time) and said Skid "hates you" because you never call him and started all this crap with him. All not true of course. Ruined our vacation. PLUS he was so upset over skid "hating" him and there was so much communication with her about this during the trip that he accidentally called me HER NAME. I flipped and told him IM OUT if he ever lets her do this again. She tried one more time on valentine's weekend with a long ass email "needing more money". He has to cut all communication with her during your time together. It's not fair to you.

hereiam's picture

As long as he keeps responding, she will keep doing whatever gets her that response. He has to shut her down. My husband told me from the beginning that he wouldn't let BM use his daughter to manipulate him. She really put him to the test.

BM actually gave her daughter something she knew she was allergic to, causing a seizure. She made a scene in the hospital, trying to get my husband (BF at the time) to go back to her.

When that didn't work, she threatened to hurt herself.

When that didn't work, she asked him to come and stay at her house with the kids (one was not his) while she checked herself in somewhere to get help for depression (he told her she didn't have to check herself in, how about out-patient?). It was of course, a ruse, she never got ANY help.

When that didn't work, she sent a message through his sister (he was no longer taking her calls) that he should call her right away, as she just found out they were not really divorced. He did not call her but contacted the county and of course, they were divorced. I am still not sure what her plan there was!

Anyway, it took awhile (many years, actually) but she finally calmed down and realized that she could not control him anymore, golden uterus be damned.

Now, this was before cell phones and texting were the norm, so it was easier to ignore. Even when DH got a cell phone, BM nor SD had his number. We have always kept a land line with a good 'ol answering machine.

But your FDH has to stand strong, not be worried about "looking bad" (she will make him look bad no matter what, trust me) and not be afraid of what she might do. BM once threatened to not let SD come over unless my DH gave her certain information (that she had no need of). She told him if he came to pick her up, she would have her hidden at a friends unless he gave her what she wanted. Really, bitch? So, yes, we went without seeing SD for awhile. She never thought he would do that (DH did end up suing her for contempt).

Little by little, BM saw that having DH's kid did not give her the key to his life. Once she realized she was truly locked out of it, she started easing up.

The one thing I tell everybody in situations like this is, know.your.rights and stand up for them.

My husband is also a very easy going guy, who can put up with a lot, but once he realized that I was not going to tolerate it, he started standing up for himself more. I broke up with him after the hospital thing.

JustAgirl42's picture

HOLY CRAP!

I'm so sorry hereiam...I thought our BM was crazy, but yours sounds uber-BAT SHIT crazy!! :O

hereiam's picture

Oh, that's just a few examples.

It's exactly why my husband has refused any contact with BM since child support ended (and it was down to very little in the years before that). She does not exist to him.

thinkthrice's picture

There's an END to CS??!!!??!!! Oh wait. I live in NYS.

wth was I thinking's picture

We never talk about trips or plans in front of the skids until after we get back. I do not want that witch to know when we are out of town. We told them about our trip back to my home state after we returned. That also gave me a perfect opportunity to knock down YSD. When we told her she said 'omg you went without ME??' I said, yep, life goes on even when you aren't here, with a super sweet smile. Shut her right up. }:)

abugandabean's picture

This was the lawyers fault. We had to have this stuff done by a certain date and we were going out of town. Lawyer accidentally communicated our trip to BM. Then she texted FDH and asked him to "babysit" and of course he said no which confirmed it to her. Epic fail. Otherwise she knows NOTHING of our life. I have her blocked on FB, don't have any mutual friends, etc anything I can do to keep her out of our lives and SD is too young to be a spy yet.

christinen's picture

You can't argue with crazy. You just can't. I spent a long time trying so I can assure you there will be no good outcome. My advice? Disengage from her. Change your phone #, email address, whatever contact info she has for you & do NOT call her or contact her in any way for any reason. The skids are NOT your responsibility and you have NO obligation to their mother. If she can't reach DH, well then that's just too bad. BM doesn't even have my phone #. I don't care if it's an emergency or not, I have no interest in talking to her.

I know what you mean about BM trying to ruin things but don't let her! DH and I went away for our anniversary recently and while he was in the shower, I saw a text pop up on his phone from BM saying "you went on vacation??" Umm.. not your business, BM. I deleted the text & shut off his phone. She can only ruin your time if you allow it.