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Wife does not like my biological son

sam-brown's picture

Need some advice with a particular issue concerning my wife.
We have been married for almost six years and in that time I have noticed she treats my biological son differently. Usually it something such as disciplining him for something minor but ironically her biological children talk to her with disrespect and nothing is said to them from her. I on the other hand will intervene and tell them not to speak to their mother with disrespect. Over the years it has became worse regarding my son. Her biological is moving out and going to live with his father. The boy is 19 and she blames me for not caring that he is leaving. I told her I want him to get his life started because he does nothing in our house but surf the internet, play video games, eat and sleep all day. He makes her miserable and is very self centered.
she has admitted to me that she is jealous son and asks why can't I have the same relationship with her son. I have tried, but I can't make him like me. I have a younger son she absolutely loves like her own.
We have fought several times concerning my son (never in front of him or the other children) and never resolved this. I am ready to throw in the towel even though I am very much in love with her. I just can not let her continue to seperate the family. The other children can tell he is the least favorite.
We are now fighting because this morning she noticed I gave my son one of our clock radios and I asked her whether it was the fact that I gave the clock radio away or gave it away to my son. she didn't answer so it escalated from there. what should I do? she has had my son since he was six and he is now 13.

RaeRae's picture

You can't make her like him. She may not even realize she treats him different. I think my husband honestly believes he doesn't treat our kids differently, but he does. There are personal issues, it could be anything from jealousy of his time with you, he may remind her of your ex (does he look a lot like her?), there's a lot that could be going on inside her.

It's also possible that you may not see the way he treats her when you are not around. Does he like her? Is he going through hormonal changes?

If you don't like the idea of therapy, how about family meetings where you can try to talk about what is going on, and what you all can do to make it better?

alwaysanxious's picture

I agree with the above post. There are probably multiple reasons why she is feeling and behaving this way. I'm sure you've talked about it numerous times, have you gotten to the real root of what it is? Does she even know?

Have you asked her what she wants you to do? What is it that she sees you doing that you should or should not be? Maybe this will help her see that its not really you, but its her perception of what is going on.

dakotamom's picture

I am a stepmom of 2 boys, 15 and 17. while the ss17 irritates me because of his lack of motivation - he will sit at this computer all visit long and rarely interact unless it's to get food or ask about food. he's good about a lot of things lately especially since getting a job as a bus boy. he has learned how much work goes into getting food ready and the cleanup afterwards. i have more respect for him now and let more things slide. he is preparing to go to college in the fall. i have already got the mindset that i will take him shopping to get stuff for his dorm room as my birthday/graduation gift.
ss15 is an entirely different story for me. i dispise ss15. i came into the picture when he was 12 and he wasn't as bad. in the last year or two he has gotten hygenically worse. wont' brush his teeth, hair, hates to shower, prefers already worn clothes because they're "more comfy". i find this totally gross and when i try to talk to DH about encouraging him to have a convo about being cleaner, Dh refuses because he doesnt' want to spend the little time he has with his kids fighting about looking better. he looks like his mother - this doesn't help, but it's not his problem. he has a personal goal to dirty every dish in my house when he's there, but has no desire to help clean it up. i have tried to be nice to him and to encourage him to be better looking (appearance wise) and that he's a good kid and just trying to lift his self=esteem - thought this might be the problem.... nothing works. so i quit being nice to him and i quit doing little things for him because it's not worth my time and pisses me off when i give him clean and folded clothes for him to throw them on the floor instead of in the closet or dresser.
maybe talk to your wife about the real reasons you sense a dislike she has for your son????
Dh adn i had a convo about why i wasn't going to help ss15 anymore and to me - it felt like once Dh knew i had reasons behind my anger/resentment for not being appreciated he allowed me to do nothing more for his kid.
Dh favors ss15, always has, so i favor ss17 and now both kids get extra attention.

purpledaisies's picture

I have to to tell you I'm kinda in the same boat. My oldest ss 14 15 tomorrow, is a bully a HUGE bully and is very very mean to the other kids. So much so that he will punch them b/c according to him he thought they were going to hit him. :? Plus he told me that if he felt like he will hit and no one can stop him! Nice huh? However dh seems to think he is just aggressive and no need to get upset or anything but to tell him not to do it again! UMM in the 8 years I've known this kid he has NOT stopped!!! Dh thinks I pick on him but really all I want is for him to stop and for dh to make him stop! I even told dh he wasn't allowed in my house till he stopped. I know dh felt the same you do about me that you do about your wife when I did that. You might want to just sit her down and talk to her about what the deal is. It might be that you son is nasty to her behind your back and you don't know or that he is being mean to the other kids and she might feel like he doesn't deserve things till he can straighten up. it could be a number of things.