Nothing wrong with living separate until the kids are grown.

Every adult has the right to say, "No," when asked to move in and no one can force someone else to help them raise their kids.

if we all did as you suggest! A lot of relationships would probably have made it! 

I don't think there's an obligation.  Anyone who doesn't want to move in together or get married can just say no, and then the relationship either proceeds on their terms or ends.  But if the SO's children are young and/or you want to have kids with your SO, a separate living situation until the kids are grown and flown might not make sense.  That's the situation I'm in, and we've moved in together and will likely get married.  His youngest won't be out of high school for another 15+ years, and I certainly am not going to have a casual dating relationship for that long.

With or without kids, I don't know why people live together. If you aren't sure enough to marry someone, why get into a living situation that is marriage without the piece of paper??? It's not that much easier to leave when shacking up than it is to divorce. People shack up so haphazardly -- I am shocked when I read about people moving in together after only a year of dating, especially when kids are involved.

I waited until I was 41 to live with anyone and that's because I thought enough of him to marry him. I was sure. And it was consciously timed after his daughter was older, out of the house and on her way to independence, which really cut down on the arguments about funding her lifestyle.

We still argue about SD. That will never change. But I never had to live with SD and I never will.

I think people shack up too quickly because they can't make it on their own or they have so little self control that they just have to be with someone. It says something to me about the people doing this after just a short time of dating. And then they're shocked when there are problems or the person they claimed to know so well turns out to be someone they don't know!

If I only knew then, what I know now. 

I didn't feel obligated to move in with DH when we first got together. We were shacked up for a year and had his daughter on weekends until the hag took her and moved to Maine.  Then we got temp custody of his son (different mother) while she was in drug and alcohol rehab. He was with us for 6 months of complete and totall bullpuckey.  We got married during this time and I got pregnant with our first son.  I did feel obligated to help him get custody of SD.  I knew her mother when we were growing up and knew that she was a sh*tty parent.  I assumed (we all know what that means) that her mother would be a parent and take the visitation.  WRONG.  I wish I hadn't helped, but that would have completely changed everything....and I would not change my present life and family for the world.  We have 2 spectacular sons.  I am disengaged from the SKids, who are all adults.  SD seems to be growing up...almost into a truly decent person, but I am maintaining my  disengagement.

Some people chose to do this and some people don’t.

I wanted my partner to move in with me and I love having his children in our home. I chose to help raise my partner’s children. I would jump in the car at this second if we needed to come get them for their safety and I’d be thrilled to have them full time (though worried about their wellbeing since it would me something bad happened.)

Another thing to consider is the fact that I want to have a baby with him. If we wait till his kids are out of the house then there’s no way we can have one with each other. It’s not about me wanting my own because I see his kids as mine in some form. I joke that I want to make his son a big brother. That I want to give them another sibling.

To me this is the family I want.

Yes society does seem to push people together but then again society pushes the idea of family over all. They preach that kids need two parents in a home so of course that would spill over into stepfamilies.

What makes you think it would be easier or different if you waited until they moved out? I married my DW and all 3 of her kids are grown (30SS, 25SS, and 24SD) and live on their own. Their selfish attitude and control over my DW is causing our 11 month marriage to come to an end. 

Its not all the skids either. Often it’s the inability of your spouse to put the marriage as a priority and they are willing to sacrifice it to prove their love to demanding, selfish, children that impose conditions and ultimatums that defy “normal” social standards. We are not responsible for our adult children’s happiness.

You may want to read a few posts in the Adult Stepchildren section to get just a taste of what I am trying to say. 

Some people just don’t want to admit that the reason they play hpuse, move in with someone or let someone move in with them is that they or their partner just can’t support themselves, can’t pay the bills alone, can’t even rent or own on their own. Honestly I’d never live with someone because I can’t manage alone and would never take on a man who can’t pay his bills without my contribution. I’d fix my life first and expect them to fix theirs.  I think people need to have their life together before they bring partners in and “play house” and for sure before they have kids. 

The real question is do you feel obligated to marry someone because they've already been married and have kids? If not then be honest.  Don't lead her on because that's what she wants. If you're looking for something casual and she wants to be a Mrs. again then let her know.