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Why is it that only in this site people understand me? When I post on other sites about stepkids, people see me as the bad guy.

Bearhugs33's picture

Seriously sometimes I try to post on other site to understand how parents think, since I don't have children myself. And they seem to defend the stepkids and tell me to either deal with it or shut up. This is the only site where I feel that people actually know where I'm coming from. Has this happen to any of you?

Apparently I'm seen as a heartless woman on other sites.

ShadowAthena's picture

Other people can be dicks about it all. Having skids and no kids yourself makes things even worse cos u dunno what to expect. I didn't really want my SD in my life at all. And it has been really hard for me to get used to being in her life, it's a long ass story. But if you need to rant then we're here. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

But seriously. I've seldom met people IRL who try so hard to make difficult situations work out of a genuine sense of caring.  Advice I've  gotten here has been for the most part super helpful.

Hats off to Team Steptalk!

 

advice.only2's picture

This was the only site I ever found that spoke to what I needed to hear. Once I signed up here I stopped looking. I did subscribe to a SM site on Fakebook but ended up deleting it..too much "bonus kids", "love them until they love you.", "be the bigger person when it comes to BM." rhetoric for me.

CLove's picture

Meh. I dont particularly like that tem myself...

I see a lot of "I was a bad kid and my step loved me until I came around!"

Rags's picture

Lol.

There is nothing bonus about hemorrhoids.  Certainly it is possible, though remotely, that a blended family marriage can create a strong family, for the spouses to be fully respectful of each other, and for them to raise well behaved high performance children together, regardless of kid biology.

Though that is so rare as to be statistically insignificant as an outcome.

A bonus, is earned, it is not granted, it is not automatic, and it requires dedicated consistent performance.  If these actions are not present in a blended family marriage, there is no bonus family.

StepUltimate's picture

I grew up with a couple of friends who had nice step parents, a Jr. High School BFF whose step-mom was an ANGEL & BM a forever-absent addict, and in my 20's became Godmother to a baby boy whose father adopted his 3 year old sister and has been their Real Dad in practice (=a man I respect and admire so much!). I also work with an engineer who supports the extreme sports her sons compete in with a classy, civil cooperation with her ex & his 2nd wife... meeting up all over the U.S. (until COVID anyway). So to say my own launch into StepHell was a slap in the face is an understatement. But on ST we see the same things played out over & over... 

I think it's just that none of those people would ever seek ST out. They're not dealing with Broken Pack Structure Gone Wild like we are. I appreciate my ST community because you guys GET IT.

SeeYouNever's picture

This is the only place you can be yourself without your real identity attached or trying to say the right thing for karma points. It's so refreshing. 

CLove's picture

Stepparents WITHOUT bios.

Its a lot better about the whole "bonus kids/bonus mom" thing and the "love them like your own" is never posted. And I am NEVER the bad guy in there.

But steptalk is definitely different.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

This is the only place i've found where you can tell the truth. It's anonymous and also people are more tolerant. I find that a lot of people here really are dealing with issues worse than average, so we are going to have more negative feelings than average. The only way not to have negative thoughts in some of these situations would be drugs or a lobotomy. This provides a place to let them out. 

thiscantbenormal's picture

Lobotomy was my favorite word when the skids were around and the desire to be prescribed an antipsychotic to tolerate the kid that was supposed to be on antipsychotics. I actually googled if a voluntary lobotomy was possible.  Now that they don't come around anymore I know longer wish to have one.

Kes's picture

This place has helped keep me from going insane, best part of 10 yrs now.  These days (the last few years) SD25 and SD23 aren't so troublesome, especially now we've moved away.  I agree it is the only place online where you can be honest about step life. 

nappisan's picture

this site has been the only thing that helped me!!  I always thought i was a wicked step mother until i came here ,,, im just normal but trying to deal with someone eles brats  

Gimlet's picture

The best thing about this site for me has been the years of experience that were shared with me. 

The encouragement and support really helped, but the real gold was the non sugar-coated, blunt advice and people not starting from that whole "just love them more" notion.  

Floral_SM's picture

I deal with a poisonous BM and a SD that is a mini version of her. Plus a SS that is ignored by BM and wants DH's attention 24/7 ontop of having my own baby. If I didn't have this site in my life I would feel so alone with these struggles. I wish I found it sooner when my DH was struggling seeing my POV a few years back. I feel like I'm connected with people on here.

relationshipguru's picture

I suspect a lot of other sites are full of single and divorced parents. Also some sites are likely not as anonymous as this one, meaning they are full of fakeness just like social media.

Dovina's picture

Other sites are "bonus kids" centric. 

Gotta love Cafe Moms, not sure if that site is still around. I learned very quick that the only support I would get from there would be if I said THANK YOU to the sh*t sandwiches my skids gave me. 

relationshipguru's picture

Lol

MissK03's picture

For ha ha's I just looked up step parenting groups on Facebook. I wouldn't join one but this one is hilarious. 

Cover story quote is: "biology is the least that makes someone a mother." 
 

The about states: "this is a group for anyone who doesn't believe in the  whole "nacho" concept! We believe no matter what if it's your biological child or step-child, it's YOUR child! We help each other out, give support, and advice! Bring each other up!" 
 

I typed exactly what the page said. LOLLL wonder what fantasy land those whooping 224 members live in. 
 

Social media is full of butterflies and rainbows. (Unless it's about politics lol) Here you find honesty and real life situations. I find it fansicating that there are so many similarities in stories you read on here. Before you may think that you are the only one but, you find this site and it's like BAM! You're not alone.

shellpell's picture

Meanwhile, the actual biological mother is talking shite about SM and DH, holding power over the relationship between skid and SM. A lot of SMS are naive when it comes to the pull of BM on their children. And don't think that kids don't pick up on how SM and BM feel about each other.

frustratedoneeastcoast's picture

My guess is other sites are filled with parents and if you do not kowtow to their spoiled rotten little brats, and make your entire existance about them, then you are the worst person in the world. lol. I also think it is alarming to see so many bio parents insist that their children are suddenly someone else's kids! Someone completely unrelated to them whom they've just met and whom the kids have just met! What fantasy planet do these mentally ill loonies live on? Ultimately it is the kids who suffer in the long run from this type of unhealthy behavior. However if the kids were actually good, nice people then maybe I would care. But usually the kids are spoiled enittled rude brats. So I don't.

Rags's picture

I've been in several SParent sites over the years. This is only the 3rd one out of a dozen or more that is truly about the SParent rather than the overt worship of kids. This community is far more about accountability and addressing behavior than any of the others I have found.  This is also the one that has lasted.

MissJulsie's picture

One reason is because the world out there has a cliche and false view of what it is to be a step-parent. Sadly," The Brady Bunch" and "The Sound of Music" have created a massive rod for all our backs. They've basically F***ed things up for us, because the world has this totally unrealistic expectation. 

Misstepped's picture

Because people on the other sites are not step parents and have never been step parents. They don't know. It's not just the internet either, it's in life. Your own friends and colleagues who all defend the poor children and shame you for not "loving them like your own"

This is the only site where everyone can relate from multiple view points. Mind you, in contrast everyone here tends to support the SP side more. But hey, that's because we are the ones who are living this hell. Nobody else can understand. I would steer clear from other sites, and people who don't understand. I have one of two friends in the same boat and let me tell you we chat about the same issues as everything in this site. Step life is full of certain struggles that when you come on here you realise are not isolated. 

Jojo4124's picture

This forum so much. I joined a fb group called toxic adult children and telate to that pretty well. It's a little different because it's bio parents who REALIZE their "kids" are awful. Some bios have guilt,  some just have to cut off their bio kids. But it helps me accept that many adult kids are just warped for one reason or another.

Rags's picture

It is a fairly rare few who are not hard wired to worship children regardless of how those kids behave.  The child worshipping minions are like piranhas sensing blood in the water when an enlightened SParent, or anyone one else, with clarity regarding kid behaviors calls out ill behaved kid crap.  They child worshipping whiners swarm.

Miss T's picture

of therapists.

"Marriage therapists" and "family therapists" don't seem to have a clue how to help marriages, families, or step families. Speaking from horrifying experience, nowadays I would go to one only under duress--court order or such. If you're stuck and really have to talk to someone, SHOP AROUND and remember ... fully 50% of therapists graduated in the bottom half of their classes.

Rags's picture

Nothing unusual for the pseudo science "professions".

That said, a great therapist can be a God send.  Though they are extremely rare,  few and far between.

Harry's picture

You have to walk a mile in my shoes, to understand SP   And all the problems of that life 

castaway83's picture

I think it's a lot harder to deal with SKs if you don't have kids on your own. Comments like: you were a kid once too, are not helpful.

EveryoneLies's picture

I feel the same way too. All other places have the mentality of "step parents should be the adult and suck it all up" no matter what kind of crap skids give the step parents. I never even try to join a step parent group on FB. 

The "you know what you are getting into" is the worst thing one can say to a struggling stepparent. *bleep* those people.