You are here

Why do they think we always want to be around their kids?

caitlinj's picture

I don't dislike his kids but I do dislike the way they behave at times. I know there are certain situations when I know its probably best his kids aren't around. For example when we are in sitautions where there will be longer than usual wait times, I don't think his kids should go as they get bored very easily and start to complain about being bored, hungry (when they just ate lol), become restless, etc. but he insists on bringing them because they want to go and it makes things difficult. He also assumes I want to see them. Honestly I care about his kids and I do not wish them any harm or ill will whatsoever, but I can take them or leave them to be honest. And sometimes I would rather they were not there as they do not behave the best. Is that terrible of me? I feel bad for feeling this way but I do. Sometimes I deal with the guilt of feeling that way. But why do they assume we always want to be around their kids?

markwvualum's picture

I think you wouldn't feel this way if his kids weren't poorly behaved, spoiled brats who have been given everything they've wanted since they were born. His kids shouldn't get bored as easily and quickly as they do. This has become the norm nowadays unfortunately because people have done a poor job raising their kids. When I was a kid all I needed was a book or a couple of gi joes and I would stay busy for hours. Now kids complain they are bored after fifteen minutes yet they have so many things (toys, books, video games, nice sports equipment, i pads, tv, dolls, phones, the wii, etc). My wife's son demands that people constantly look at him and pay attention to him and everything he does. He constantly is saying "look at me" and demands we play with him constantly. He cannot play by himself without growing bored after 5 minutes. Poor parenting is to blame.

Aniki's picture

Does it help to point out that the skids are there to spend their time primarily with HIM? Stepparents do not (should not!) be included in every single skid activity.

As far as the complaining, Dad needs to nip that in the bud. Wait times, being bored... that's life. Make up some simple, silly games to play while in line/waiting. "I Spy....."

Step-girlfriend's picture

"Honestly I care about his kids and I do not wish them any harm or ill will whatsoever, but I can take them or leave them to be honest."

Yep. I mean, I would genuinely miss SD and be sad if I never got to see her again. But SS? Meh. SO seems to think I should want to see them. In a perfect world maybe, but that's not how I feel. I don't say that though.

georgina29's picture

Most people feel this way simply because they aren't our kids. I find this is the norm. Most of us geniunely care about our step kids and defintely do not wish them any ill will. Some of us even like our step kids and enjoy at times spending time with them (sometimes). But I find few if not none of us love our step kids and see them in the same light as their bio parents do. It's just not on the same level and bio's don't seem to understand that.

caitlinj's picture

I am with you. I would miss his daughter and would feel sad not being able to see her again even though she is a little spoiled and moody at times I can see past that because I believe she's got a good heart. But his son? I could take or leave. There are things about his son that bother me, mainly his annoyance and borderline cruely to animals, his lack of resilliance and constant whining and his desire to either control, dominate or manipulate in every situation he is in. There is something about his son that makes me feel uneasy as well.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I feel the same way.  I like my SD12 most of the time. I hate feeling spied on so that is a big problem.  But for the most part, I am indifferent to her. I don't wish her ill.  I would be sad if she were hurt or anything. But when she is at her mom's house, I feel meh.  I don't really miss her, at least not like my own kids.  I think it is perfectly normal to feel that way.

Areyou's picture

I’m glad DH knows how annoying his kids are and doesn’t force them on me.

georgina29's picture

Step children will destroy a good marriage/relationship one way or another. Give it time. It's usually because of the bio parents lax parenting and the way they raised and catered too their own kids that causes all sorts of problems.  A step parent has to step in and parent properly which never works for a variety of reasons. Also many bio parents have issues with financial debt and time constraints because they simply cannot tell their kids (or their exes) NO. Step kids also find many other ways to destroy marriages. It's best not to marry someone who already has kids for this reason. The only exception is if their kids are grown up adults (well into their 20's) and have been out of the house for awhile and are out the house for good but even then they have the ability to create problems in your marriage.

futurobrillante99's picture

This reminds me of how, soon after we got married, I asked stbX if we could take an actual honeymoon for our first anniversary to Ireland (because we got married on the spur of the moment while I was on a business trip). He said what he'd really like to do is do a FAMILY vacation to the outer banks of North Carolina and get one of those big houses so all his kids and their girlfriends could come, oh and my kids could come, too.

He was shocked when I didn't like that idea. I had to explain to him that we LIVE WITH HIS KIDS. I want a vacation. Doing a trip like he described was US, paying their way and doing ALL the cookiing, cleaning AND paying, while they had an actual vacation...and I did not.

He wouldn't care. He would love to be their slave for a week. I would not. He doesn't get it. He was pissed.

caitlinj's picture

It doesn't sound like much of a vacation to me. I say sit this one out. Some people love catering to their kids every need and want. They like it and live for it. I do not and neither do most people. It certainly is not a vacation. A real vacation is about relaxation and doing enjoyable things. Cooking and cleaning up after others is not enjoyable.

futurobrillante99's picture

caitlinj, we're not living together. I moved out and bought my own house. Soon after, we sold the house we owned together and he's been in his new house for almost a month, now.

We're essentially separated and in limbo right now.

caitlinj's picture

Get out and date lady! No reason to stay committed at this point. Life is short. You will always come second(or third)  to his kids.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I don’t see it as so much they think we want them around it’s that they don’t see the issue. You present a case of where you don’t want HIS kids around but what if they were YOUR kids?

As for the conditions that they need to always behave? That’s not realist. No child is going to behave all the time and if you place this condition you’re going to have issues in the future. You can’t reject a kid when they annoy you if the behavior is “typical”. What you describe isn’t exactly unusual for a child either.

I don’t know your history and how far this relationship is so this might be useless but I’d question if this is the correct relationship for you. Kids can be annoying and parents can’t just stop being parents when they aren’t prefect. They can’t just leave them when it’s inconvenient.

I’d honestly make sure your partner knows early on how little you care for the kids. Not that you dislike them but you don’t personally like them either. That really they don’t matter.  

Maxwell09's picture

Usually we buffer the consequences of misbehaving stepkids so that our partners don't truly see them or have to deal with them like in your example of wait times: how often does your DH take both your kid(s) and his kid(s) to sit in a waiting room for a long period of time and come back saying everything went smooth? I doubt it happens often. We usually volunteer to take care of it ourselves with our own kids or find a way to make it to where they won't have to live that struggle we know will happen. To hell with that, ever since BS3 came along, it is NOT easy to just run go do something and when he doubt that I send him to the pool or grocery store or whereever with BOTH of his children to get a good taste of Stress. He usually comes back exhausted and with some new found appreciation for me having to go 24/7 most of the time with both kids. 

Cooooookies's picture

I feel exactly the same.  I don't wish any harm to SS15 but if I never saw him again, I'd be perfectly fine!

decofru's picture

DH's are delusional that's why they think SMs dont mind being around skids always. They want to believe that we can love the children like they are our own 100%. If I'm to never see DH's ex wife's mini me (who looks 90% like his mom) would be the best gift ever. There is a time we once planned a trip out of the country and DH said he wants SS to come along! That turned into a heated arguement, I wanted to get away from SS and have DH all to myself without that clingy, attention seeker competing with me and acting like he runs the show. Im hungry, I want to go, I want this, I dont want that!! OMG We are not here to serve you!! Anyway I told him he can go alone with his son, I aint going because its no point when I wont get what i wanted (alone time with DH) and i knew i wouldnt enjoy and i would be annoyed all the way. We ended up not going!!!

Suemm44's picture

My disrespect adult skids. I think it's dh fantasy we will be the new improved parents bc him and BM screwed up. It's like I've inherited two problems that aren't my doing. But, one time he said you look more like the real mother of my daughter then my ex.

i was horrified at this. Horrified I tell you !! I quickly said, "NO, don't ever say that and for God's  sakes don't let her hear that !""" 

Unhappysb's picture

You know when you first meet the man you don't meet the kids too. This was the case for us we had 6 whole blissful months with no kids and  we fell in love and then I met the kids. Even when I had the niggling doubts I pushed them aside and told myself I could do it. Then we lived together and quickly got married and I honestly believe that's when it all started to go wrong. My oldest SD has never really taken to me anyway but it got worse after we married..she initiated situations that she only wanted her mother to come to our house and fix..and my husband fell for it over and over again. Every time I lost something I would find it in her bedroom she didn't actually want what she'd taken she just wanted to take it. But of course when I spoke to my husband about it I must have misplaced it..yeah I moved the most expensive make up I have into a child's bedroom! 2 years later I really communicate with my eldest SD in a series of grunts..I always know when she wants something because she starts talking to me. She's quite manipulating that way but it never works I just tell her to ask her father. 

We have never had an holiday time in our own since we lived together because he doesn't want to upset his kids but their mother plans all her vacation time around when she doesn't have them, but this is seemingly ok. Step parenting is honestly not worth the stress it brings. I wish I was one of these women that can just love all kids around me but I'm just not and I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. Can't fight biology I'm afraid! 

TwoOfUs's picture

This is 100% how I felt. Could take them or leave them, for the most part. I never hated them, but they didn't light up my life, either. The best I could muster was..."Well, it wouldn't suck too bad to see the skids right now." 

Usually I'd pounce on this feeling and suggest an outing. Every once in a while I've enjoyed their company, but that's not the norm. 

I think the issue is when DH's try to shove the skids down your throat and expect you to show equal levels of excitement. My DH used to announce when skids arrived on a Friday...bursting into my home office...where I was WORKING and often in the middle of a call: 

"TwoOfUS! The KIDS are here!!! They're Here!!!" 

Um. OK. Great...I guess. 

This disparity can really breed resentment. I never understood what he expected me to do. Leap for joy? Roll out the red carpet? My home was being invaded by three ungrateful, messy, loud, fighting, feral brats for 3 days. Woo Hoo! 

Unhappysb's picture

Hahahaha yes that's it exactly..  the nice quiet and tidy space you've had for days suddenly starts to resemble an episode of hoarders in a few mins! And he stands there with a ridiculous grin on his face cos they've arrived. I find my bedroom a safe haven. After my make up etc started disappearing I moved everything from the bathroom and into the bedroom and the one rule I do enforce with a heavy hand is that our bedroom is off limits. No exception! 

I've pretty much stopped going on any outings with them and you know after raising 3 kids into adulthood by myself and going on countless trips with them I don't think that's unreasonable. Yes I might want to go a museum but do I want to do it enough to have to supervise kids while I'm there? Probably not so I just don't go. Even when we visit my home country all together I don't do the tourist things they want to do and they go without me. I've done it all countless times before. I'm almost annoyed with myself for getting into this situation. I was so upfront from the beginning that kids did not figure in my future at all but in his very male way he's assumed I meant more of my own. He talks a lot about having his kids full time, if that happened I would just be a dust cloud in my bid to run as fast as I can.. yes it's sad but it's the way it is