You are here

Why do these men still want not to talk to the ex when the skids are adults?

Rearview's picture

My sd has not had a phone since November.  She rarely communicates with her dad now. He said yesterday he didn't believe for one minute that she didn't have a phone.   He blocked her mom from calling him. He hasn't called the BM since they sold the jointly owned home.  To my insistence because "divorce " means over. The  kids are adults and there's nothing left to talk about.   NOTHING.   So I told him I thought the she  was wanting him to call her on "Moms" phone so she would have his new number,  and it would get the two of them on the phone together.  Mom. And dad talking again.   Shes 22.  He said "he wouldn't mind talking to the BM".  I said "why"?  What's there to talk about?  He said their son. That the mother should encourage him n ou t bag and belittling him. Hes 27.  I said "So your trying to fix her".  You really think what you say would make a difference.   Hes codependent,  shez an alcoholic,  our counseling said "THAT NO GOOD WOULD EVER COME FROM THEM TALKING ".  To much resentment and anger.  He also said she might need closure.  I said "well she can find it somewhere else ".  I said you cant fix her.  I said "Do you need closure "?  Been divorced 3 years now.  He said no.  So Men out there, why does he still want to communicate with her?  He hasn't done it that I know of?  What's in his head?  

hereiam's picture

He also said she might need closure

If he is concerned about closure for her, he should have thought about that before getting into another relationship. Maybe HE'S the one who still needs closure.

My DH hasn't spoken to his ex in 10 years...and he has NO desire to. He certainly doesn't think that her closure is his problem.

Iamwoman's picture

DH can't wait for the day when he can cut the Maggot Queen out of his life forever.

As for other men, DD16's HCBD still tries to get me on the phone, and I do believe he will continue to try after she is 18. The only reason I can think of is that because he is a cheater and always will be of course, there is a lack of either recognition or respect for boundaries in general, to include relationship boundaries. I can't imagine his wife is ok with him trying to stimrike up conversations with me. I'm sure she comforts herself with the fact that I always shut him down... but I'm just one woman she will never ever have to worry about. There are plenty of fish in the sea for a man or even a woman who insists on disrespecting relationship boundaries.

ITB2012's picture

My parents divorced when I was an adult. They had no reason to talk and haven't in decades. Just occasionally when they end up at something for me/my kid. My dad once said he wished he and my mom had been able to work through things enough to remain friends. She's the only other person in the world who knows all the history and is the other parent to me and my brother, so the only person with whom he could have a parent kind of conversation when he wants to talk about us to someone.

I am friends with my XH. We are also in the same industry right now. I would be completely fine if he called me to talk. There is no baggage and no personal problems to make the conversation anything else but friends/professionals calling each other. And it would be nice to continue to have that one other person in the world to talk to occasionally about DS who loves him and knows him like I do.

I don't expect my DH to never speak to BM again. And I would hope they can remain friendly and civil.

ndc's picture

My DH still has to talk (well, mostly text) with BM because they have minor children.  Even with young kids, they don't communicate very often.  Once the kids are adults, I can't imagine DH having any desire to talk to BM.  I do think he'd talk to her to be polite if they were in the same place (if there was a wedding, a funeral, a grandchild event or the like).  DH doesn't dislike BM - she's just not all that relevant in his life anymore, and she won't be relevant at all once the kids are grown.

ldvilen's picture

Whenever BM is present, and it does not matter at all how old the SKs are, everyone under the sun (and I do mean pretty much everyone) will have the expectation or thought that the true couple present is DH and BM.  DH and his true partner or wife (SM) become the secondary or “lesser” couple, and this is regardless of how long dad and SM have been married.  

People still have a long way to go in treating a remarried man with children from a previous relationship and his new wife as they actually are--husband and wife.  This is even if dad and SM have been married 5, 10, 15, 20+ years.  For some !@#$! reason, once a man has children with a woman, any woman, even tho. they may fully part or divorce later, whenever that man is even within 10 feet or on the phone with "the mother of his children," everyone within ear shot or sight will presume they are a joined-at-the-hip couple.  This is even if DH has more children, ours children, with SM.

SO, if a DH is smart, and not all of them are, unfortunately, he’ll deal with his ex- only when it comes to their children.  Otherwise, the thought will quickly be, again from pretty much everyone, that BM is wife #1 and SM is wife #2 and that BM is still the #1 owner/ comptroller of DH.  And for some, the thought will also be that a reconciliation (between BM and bio-dad) is in the cards.

Yes, I know there is much talk out there about DH and BM don’t have to hate each other, nothing wrong with DH and BM chatting or BM calling and stopping in once in a while, the kids still want to see their parents get along, etc.  It has nothing to do with that at all.  It has to do with the bulk of any society not getting it.  AND, this can creep up and occur so subtlety, the thought that BM is and always will be primary wife, you'd be amazed how often our own husbands, DH himself will kowtow to his ex- over and over and yet tell his own wife, SM to bug-off or that she’s cray-cray when she objects to this.  Believe me, it doesn’t take much at all for most DHs to slip into, “I’m still married to my ex- mode.”  Mainly because it's easy.  What woman in the US marries a man expecting to be biblically and literally wife #2?  Not one that I know of, unless you are into polygamy.

You don’t want to go there.  I’m not saying BM is the enemy, because she isn’t.  She is just BM.  But I am saying that BM and pretty much everyone else under the sun will have the expectation that as “the mother of his children,” she will always get a pass and will always be seen as having the right to act like his wife whenever she so desires, without permission from either DH or SM; again, even if dad and SM have been married 5, 10, 15, 20+ years.  If SM objects to any of this, she’ll be seen as the “intruder” (yes, the intruder into her own marriage) rather than having a highly legitimate concern.  That is often how SMs get slapped with the Evil SM label--for simply wanting her marriage to her DH to be thought of as a marriage vs. sloppy seconds.

ChzyBob20's picture

My husband's ex is de facto my enemy. Make no mistake. I believe she engaged in a war of attrition with her little infiltrator/spy to create strife to sabotage my marriage. 

Unfortunately for the ex I am far more cunning, tenacious and intelligent and saw the writing on the wall eons ago. I divested myself of responsibility of their spawn (No more Mrs. Nice SM) and started making demands on my husband to put me first always. Never the ex.

My boundary is unyielding. My DH is not allowed to be chummy with that wh-re, ever. It's one of my conditions.

 

ChzyBob20's picture

He wants to talk to her because he isn't over her. Sorry. For the childrennnn is just a hollow excuse. My husband doesn't speak to BM hardly at all and their spawn isn't quite an adult, yet.

 

Rearview's picture

His son almost over dosed and he said hed like to talk  to her about that. I said "but why".  She herself  is sn alcoholic. She curses him the son, me, and calls me cunt and you name it.  He knows she not capable of  a civil conversation.  There's nothing  still to talk about in my opinion.   The ss girlfriend wont be around her  "bm"  shes so toxic.  There's no conversation in the world going to be productive.  Reminisce oh how "we screwed up"???  Why do that?  Does he need to hear from her how good a parent he was?  Does he need HER CONSOLATION?  I have made it known I see no reason  for it. Zilch.

ITB2012's picture

But your situation and my situation are obviously worlds apart. I totally get why there shouldn't be communication between your DH and his ex. He probably would not stay in touch with a regular friend with those problems so there's no reason to stay in touch with her. The only reason to get back in touch is if, god forbid, one of their kids dies and he's not sure she'd find out. 

Rearview's picture

His son almost over dosed and he said hed like to talk  to her about that. I said "but why".  She herself  is sn alcoholic. She curses him the son, me, and calls me cunt and you name it.  He knows she not capable of  a civil conversation.  There's nothing  still to talk about in my opinion.   The ss girlfriend wont be around her  "bm"  shes so toxic.  There's no conversation in the world going to be productive.  Reminisce oh how "we screwed up"???  Why do that?  Does he need to hear from her how good a parent he was?  Does he need HER CONSOLATION?  I have made it known I see no reason  for it. Zilch.

Harry's picture

If he wanted to talk with her.  Once he starts a new relationship with another SO.  There is no talking to BM.  There is nothing to talk about. It's over.   
It's for the kids excuse gets old fast.  Thay can text or e mail pick ups and drops offs.  Kids has sport game, kid is sick and needs to take meds,    No need to talk about it.

ExcellenceToolkit's picture

Simple. He hasn't had closure. 
DH never has voice calls with BM nor in person meetings with BM. Everything is done over email as infrequently as possible. When kids turn 18 he's cutting that whore off. 

Rearview's picture

So heaven forbid.  What's my place if adult 28 year old  child is hospitalized?  They are 3000 Miles away.  Do I go to support my DH?  Knowing shell flip out?  It's my place to be there for my husband, but she cant handle that. So would I stay behind?  She voices shes still in love with him.  I feel like I should  be there right beside him. But hes the type to fall into her manipulate tactics.  It is possible that could happen.  Ss uses drugs and is in recovery and od'd.  Stay behind or go?  

ITB2012's picture

Go with him but stay in the hotel, do not go see the skid. That way you can be there for your DH, but you aren't interacting with the toxic people, and you can hopefully help your DH de-tox.

Rearview's picture

Why would I not go see the skid?  He and I talk. I actually paid for his bus ticket and 1st month for  rehab house. He is open with me. That's avoiding her fir her sake and no one else's sake.  Catering to her.  I'm sick of catering to her DYSFUNCTION. You see that's my major pissed off point.  Every one plans around how she'll react. I think its HIGH F....ING TIME THAT crap stop.  I'm not playing that game.   Nobody's going to hide me in a corner, and shouldn't want to.  I think it should be said...LOUDLY AND FIRMLY "THIS IS How ITS GOING  TO BE".   This is my wife and shes with me.  Why would that be a problem?

ITB2012's picture

I thought we were talking about the kid being difficult. You're talking about the BM.

Is there still an alternation solution? Contact the skid or someone close to the skid to arrange a time to meet when BM is not around? I'm not saying you are catering to her, I'm suggesting a way for you to support your husband without having to put yourself in the line of fire. (I get the frustration of having a husband who does not have your back. I've also learned I've got to have my own back.)

Rags's picture

Nope, be there for your DH.  BM can F-off. Her relevence ended when they divorced.

If she flips her shit, call her on it, tell her to grow up, and you stay at your DH's side,  Make sure he is crystal clear that if he does not keep BM firmly under her slime covered rock that you will.

Hopefully, DH knows this and will stand up to her.