Why do I regret every.single.day to marry a single parent with minor kid!
1. "You know what you got yourself into before getting married." Bull crap. There are a lot of crap I did not know I got myself into.
2. My state uses step parents income to determine child support. SO if BM decided to be lazy, I have to support her lazy butt too.
3. Husband expects me to love his child as much as my own. and if I cannot perform, he says, "How come you changed after we got married" No, asshole, I did not change, you just need to lighten up.
4. MIL from hell butt into our marriage every single day and show clear favoritism toward my sd7. She view my 2 year old boy (her biological son) as stranger. Her logic "my grand daughter is such a poor child. she needs extra tlc because she is the product of a divorced family."
5. Bad behaviors are constantly rewarded, and honest hard working people are screwed.
6. I feel like a prisoner in my own house.
7. A lot of FAKING in my marriage, I am sick and tired of it.
8. Friends and family tell me "I told you so." and I have nothing else more to say..
If I knew what I know now, I would never choose to get married to a single father. He's not a bad person, but I feel I made a big mistake.
vent over
Lynn123, how old were the
Lynn123, how old were the skids when you married. You have me worried. I am getting married in May. The skids are fine, but sounds like you got the bait and switch.
FDH would clean ssd12 clock
FDH would clean ssd12 clock if she said something even close to that. Wow! You did get the bait and switch.
Sorry!
he may not be able to help
he may not be able to help how ss feels, but he can help what comes out of his shitty little mouth by smacking it once in a while! grrrr!
It may be how he feels, but
It may be how he feels, but he also need to learn to bite his tongue and not express everything he feels.
And be taught: not to base your life on your feelings. Feeling change, and you cannot take back words that are spoken.
You DH needs to think about: if he wants you to speak everything you think!
I think not
Same here. Everything OP said
Same here. Everything OP said sounds just like me. My SS has told me the most horrible awful nasty things. He has done the same as yours Lynn123,here are some of them... he has told me to leave HIS house at least a million times, said this is his dad's house and he should live here by himself, always says he wants to tear up all of my things, he has said he is going to throw me out the window and then throw my bed on top of me so I can't sleep here anymore, He has said on numerous occasions that he is going to kill me, He has said he is going to burn me to death, he has said he is going to cut me up, He has said he is going to shoot me and my dog and my cat, in other words he is bat s#5t crazy five years old or not. He has physically assaulted me and my animals on numerous occasions, he s#*ts and pi@*es his pants up to 12 times a day, yes, he's been taken to a shrink and a counselor, and they diagnosed him with ODD and ADHD, but said he is too young to be medicated. I think he has early onset conduct disorder and is most likely going to be a sociopath myself. It is awful.
No one warned me!!!! Not one
No one warned me!!!! Not one single person! My SD was 6 at the time. And I brought with me a BD7. As soon as we moved in together, SD went from sweet and innocent to hellchild!
I do not want to sound like
I do not want to sound like an "I know better" kind of person, but this is why I did not marry a very nice guy years ago. He was divorced with a 9 year old daughter. This was decades ago when divorce was not very common.
I just couldn't marry a divorced man with a kid. Probably because I was too shallow (yes I admit it), but I think I dodged a bullet by being so self-centered. When I was single and dating single jerks for years I often wondered if I'd really made a bad mistake. So there's always the "what if" factor.
As for what to do now - first of all stop faking it. That requires way too much energy. There are things you can change and a whole hell of a lot that you cannot change.
Be kind and respectful to your SD as you would a niece or a nephew. Stop trying to pretend that you are her parent. Sure your DH wants you to step into that role, but I'm sure there are lots of things in life that he wants that he is not going to get.
As for your MIL - just try to minimize your contact with her. I'm not saying to never speak to her again but you should aim for maybe talking to her once a week not multiple times a day. As she obviously doesn't give a shit about your son try to isolate him from her so he doesn't get hurt.
Marriage is all about compromise. That means that your DH is going to have to compromise also. He does not get to dictate who you love.
I do not believe there is
I do not believe there is anything "shallow" about deciding what you want & being responsible enough to find just that. It benefits nobody to stay with someone who isn't able/willing to provide what you need in a relationship.
I also agree that the faking needs to stop. If you can't be honest about your feelings, you can't have a solid relationship. You owe it to yourself & to your partner to be honest.
oldone, hell no, you are not
oldone, hell no, you are not shallow, and feel free to say "I know better." You did know better, I did not. Big mistake.
You see here is the problem, when we first dated, I thought I got every area covered. We talked about future living arrangement, financial arrangement. DH thought it was completely reasonable for me to keep my before marriage money all to myself (wrote a very good prenup agreement in my favor)
When his daughter misbehave, he apologize to me (Which is completely unnecessarily if you ask me)
Now, everything changes. I love my step daughter, don't get me wrong. It was the little things in our marriage drive me insane. I have to FAKE a lot of emotions just to keep this family together.
for example, I don't say "sd7 needs to go to bed, it is way pass her bedtime" I bite my tongue, if I did indeed say something, I would be accused of "Why are you having such a bad day" well, asshole, I have bad day everyday.
I rather date jerks, than stuck in this hell with a husband who refuses to compromise and acknowledge my feeling.
He thinks, "Ashleystepmom just has a bad day." Yeah right
"Why be the victim of your
"Why be the victim of your circumstances as if someone nailed your feet (hands) to the floor (cross)? Why don't you do something about it or leave?"
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Yes! Yes! Yes!
My question for a lot of
My question for a lot of these SMs is...why do you allow yourself to be disrespected like this? If you're complaining that your DH or SO lets their kid get away with XYZ, and you're constantly under fire and you are miserable...why are you staying?
Lynn, you don't have to
Lynn, you don't have to resort to name calling on here because you didn't like my question.
You can leave you can stay I don't particularly care, I was just curious to try and get some insight because there's so much anger and resentment here.
This is so my life...but it
This is so my life...but it is what it is .
Ashley, which state are in
Ashley, which state are in that charges the SM with CS?
Not PC to say, but men if you
Not PC to say, but men if you divorce, you will never EVER EVER EVER :sick: find a woman to love your children like their mother. Just reality.
xoxoxox exactly exactly exactly!!!!
but these men will never believe that. and there are always some bimbos at the corner tell them, "If your wife does not respect you or love your kid, she is not the one for you." :sick:
Nope, they don't believe it.
Nope, they don't believe it. They truly think that because we have boobs we are instantaneously going to be maternal towards THEIR children. It does not work that way. When I see other women being all Mommyish to their SKids I just want to slap them and say, "who are u trying to fool, and you are making the rest of us look like evil bitches when we are just being real and you are FAKE!!" I know that is a little much, and yes, there are probably women out there that are the exception, but I am not one of them and it is so so nice to know I am not alone in this. I feel the same way you do. When SS is not here, I feel at home, I feel somewhat ok, besides dealing with the aftershocks of attitude my DH always has because he is worn out from having to dance for his little monster all weekend, our marriage used to be able to pretty much bounce back after SS left until all the resentment and tension and other stressors finally created a deep fissure between us, now, it is like we are two strangers in the same house. Sure we have some good moments, but the majority of the time he is at work, asleep, or trying to recuperate from being tormented by a little brat that he created, and taking out all his frustrations on me. I have gone from being crazy in love with this guy to not being able to stand him. I love my husband but I reallllly don't like him. I am like you, I feel like a prisoner in my own home when he is here. I am a grown woman and I have to hide in my bedroom and let this kid have the run of my home just to keep my sanity. He is constantly pissing his pants, he pees on my furniture, on the floors, I spend two days after he leaves stripping the coverings off my couches, washing and scrubbing the cushions, drying them out, washing bedding, spraying and scrubbing the floors, searching corners and hiding spots for pissy underwear he has flung to hide from DH. I should not have to do this, but trust me, if I didn't it just would not get done and I can't live in a pissed up home so I clean it up and hate my life a little more each time. Oh and the faking issue. Yep, I am an actress extraordinaire these days. I don't fake it to DH anymore, granted I don't unload it all on him because it is just not worth it, but I don't sugar coat it, and he pretty much knows how I feel, but around other people I do because unfortunately, if you speak the truth you are going to be the bad guy, not them. I have pretty much became a hermit. I don't go around people unless I have to and I do not allow SS to be in my home if my DH is not here. I refuse to keep him and that is just the way it is. I know his family think ill of me for it but I don't care. I have been through so much that I just can't go into here because I am so exhausted from it all and it would take a year to document it all, but this kid has damn near ruined my life, him and his no good worthless skank of a mother, and I am not ever going to pretend again for anyone's sake that he is my family. I cannot keep him out of my home when DH is here, but I can keep him out of my life otherwise. Thankfully, the way things are arranged right now, he lives with BM Mon-Wed night, here Thursday-Sun, and if my DH is working he stays with DH's family. I used to try once upon a time when I was still naïve and thought it would work or thought SS would appreciate the things I tried to do. I ran myself into the ground trying to forge some kind of a bond with him but he is abnormal to such a severe degree it is impossible and after all the trouble he has caused me I washed my hands of it all. My worst fear in the world is that the arrangement will change and he will be here full time. If that ever happens I may as well pack my bags because if I stay I will be the most unhappy person in the world.
I am going through the same
I am going through the same thing. My friends and family keep telling me "I told you..." and like you, I have run out of things to say because it's absolutely true. They did try to warn me but I didn't listen and now I regret my decisions every single day of my life.
If there is one piece of
If there is one piece of advice I would give someone regarding getting involved with a person with kids, it is this: DO NOT GET MARRIED!
I guess that's the only thing I don't understand in so many of these cases - why do people get legally tied and bound to such a mess?
In this day and age, there is virtually no stigma anymore if you choose to live together. Even senior citizens are now regularly cohabiting because it is usually not beneficial for alot of them to get married. Keep finances (and property) separate so you can have an escape nest-egg if you need to.
It's also a way to ensure each party knows what they are contributing. You don't have to worry about your earnings going into a blended pot, which winds up supporting the "other" family. You control your own assets and there is no legal way someone can try and tap into it. I think this is absolutely critical if you have your own children - your priority must be them. Just like your DH/DW will see to it their own children are a priority.
Don't move in together unless you each have an agreement over who is contributing what, and each of you have a basic nest-egg of your own. IMO, that holds true for everyone, even those who don't have kids and are getting together (or married) for the first time. If things don't work out, then you can leave. No one should enter a relationship without knowing they have the freedom to exit. If you feel trapped, then start moving towards independence.
The benefit of this arrangement is this: choice! If things get miserable, knowing you have the power and choice to leave is actually beneficial. It gives you a chance to work on things willingly. You don't feel trapped and building resentment because you are tied legally and fiscally to this other individual. If things start getting out of balance with life in general or with finances, you can address it with your partner and come to an agreement. Or leave!
My SO and I have avoided lots of drama and I believe our relationship is still doing well after all these years simply because we chose to not get married. I kept my mouth shut a lot because as the "girlfriend" I didn't feel it was my place to interject myself. On his part, as the "boyfriend", he never expected me to directly contribute either functionally or financially to his kids. Whatever I did, I did willingly. His hand was never directly dipping into my earnings to support whatever demands his skids or ex had. Was there a lot I thought was outrageous? Sure. Is there stuff I still think is nuts? Absolutely.
Now his kids are adults and our life is calm. That's not to say the waters can't get stormy again (with eventual grandkids or other "big kid" drama) but at least I have my own lifeboat. And that makes all the difference in the world.