My ex started doing more and more personal things for his ex-wife. She was using him as a psuedo husband because she didnt have a man in her life so whenever she needed something fixed in the house, something bought online that she needed an account for (Amazon, Netflix, etc.) he jumped. We had a fight about it last September in which we broke up for over a week after I found out that he had changed all his passcodes to hide the conversations they were having. He still swore up and down that there was nothing going on, that he was just being firendly as she was a "poor wittle single woman that doenst make much money" and that he locked down all his devices because he just wanted to avoid a fight with me, which I still question. The final straw (on top of everything else below) I found out that he volunteered to do her taxes for her this year. Never in the last 11 years that they were divorced did he do this and if they were "so easy" as he claimed there was zero reason she couldnt have done them herself. Suspcious activity again that I just got tired of.
On top of the ex issues, he was just a disney, guilty dad that gave into the kids whenever and wherever and they came first no matter what, so I wound up being 5th in line in his life which wasnt acceptable to me. He told me that because we saw things differently there was no future for us beyond just dating. Additionally, even moreso, he just turned to being very rude and disrespectful in general. He would regularly cop an attitude with me for no reason, would put me down in front of our friends and make an excuse that wasnt what he meant, and was just grumpy and irritable a lot. Even getting any intimacy and attention was difficult and I was the one that had to ask for it which shouldnt be that way if a man is interested in you.
So...whew...writing it out again really helps to cement for me why I left. That was the gist of it. It just got worse and worse over the full ~11 years we were together and it had gotten to the point that as a nearly 50 year old woman I didnt to waste anymore of my life with that kind of treatment.
- entitled kids - bad mouthing me to his family and friends behind my back - mood swings and anger outbursts over the smallest things - overly friendly relationship with ex who was supposedly a terrible person with serious issues - overbearing invasive mother in law - poor spending habits - having to beg for affection - I came into fourth in his life after his mother, 2 kids and ex yet was expected to put him first.
Last relationship (that lasted 6 years) he hadn't had a serious relationship before me and wanted to know if there was better out there. I knew our relationship was ok but not the best, but I was not the type to jump. He dumped me, I was upset for a while but we both moved on. No kids, no marriage, no hate, no drama. Not all relationships end in chaos or because someone is at fault.
I was not mature enough or experienced enough to pick a good spouse. Yes, Ex was/is an idiot, but I married him anyway. The relationship failed when I figured out we were not well matched. I had goals, wanted some one who shared my goals, was my intellectual equal and wanted a partner not a wifey. I spent a long time focusing on myself and my kids after the divorce, I learned things about myself, about how my childhood trauma affected my choice in partners. I learned how to make better choices in all areas of my life. I also learned to slow down and really get to know some one. DH and I dated a good long time before marrying.
My 1st marriage- 10 years. He is military. PTSD got us. It got really bad, he didn't want to get help. It was too much to deal with having him off the rails and 2 toddlers. He got the help later and came back around and is a great dad and co parent. I think that had be been willing to get help... maybe we could have made it through but by the time he did too much damage had been done.
2nd marriage- 13 months (I left 4 times in 13 months)- I rushed because of the PTSD exH who was making death threats against me pretty regularly. My family was against our divorce and here was this "great" guy. He was 6'7", all muscley- tall, dark and handsome... I thought I hit the jack pot. Until our wedding night. That was the first time he hurt me and told me he owned me now. I spent it alone crying in a bedroom trapped in a vacation town. I was really stupid. Everyone else saw he was evil, but I only saw that he made my ex stop screaming at me. Probably because even my ex saw the kind of evil he was.
Finaly straw that sent me to plan my escape..(took me two years)...it wasn't the brusies or the stiches or the being choked unconscious but
Asking my young son to pick up his toys and having him turn to me look me in the eye and say.. I don't have to. You have to do it..your the f'n maid here.
He had heard that so many times from my ex the VI. I knew if I didn't get out, I wouldn't make it and my son would grow up like his father. That was my OH HELL TO THE NO moment.
My ex was emotionally abusive. He would get in my face, yell at me frequently and tell me to leave if I didn't like how his kids were behaving. One day I did and never went back. Now he's with a drug addled, homely looking, codependent, unstable he/she. Karma at its finest.
ExSO: Narc, major SS issues, BM was psycho. He asked me to marry him in September. I said let's wait until we move to a new city and get settled as I was not 100% ready. Next month he started cheating on me and gaslighting me. Took about two months of that before I changed the locks on him in the middle of the night because I had enough. No children so no contact in over 10 years. He tried in the first year but I IGNORED him and would no longer provide his narc supply. He found it elsewhere. Thanks ST for helping me through that one!
Because of my past I did not have the maturity nor self respect to choose a good partner. Instead of settling for someone who wanted me to play free nanny and beg for crumbs, I decided to leave and find someone who not only supported my goals but also has genuine interest in me as a person (not just what I could do for him and his kids)
I didn't know what a narcissist was until after spending 15 years with one. I literally spent everyday of my marriage questioning my own reality. It was a constant battle to not succumb to his mind games. I always knew that the life I was living was insane but it was years before I realized how that had effected me and how over time it had stripped away at the person I was and changed me into a shell of my former self. A person I couldn't even recognize anymore. I joke now but when I refer to the ex I call him an " emotional vampire" he will take and take until you have nothing left to give.
I am so sorry that so many ladies on STalk experienced the toxicity and pain that you have suffered with an X.
The anger I feel that these detestable POS assholes abused, humiliated and victimized you is infuriating. I am so sorry that you had to experience that trauma.
A woman/wife is to be cherished. My father made that clear to his sons and we learned that lesson from the example he set.
I truly hope that you all are past that pain and living great lives with decent men.
We were together for a long time. I was 18 and pregnant by someone else when we made it official that we were together. He was in the delivery room and has been a dad to her her whole life. She's 16 now, 13 when we split. We then went on to have a son together a few years later.
We were completely incompatible though. I see that now. We both have done wrong.
He wanted things from me that I couldn't give. I didn't find conversation with him interesting. I thought he sounded dumb a lot of the time and didn't always hide that fact. For all the ways I found him to be an inept man-baby, I could rarely muster up any sexual attraction to him. I was just completely turned off by him. I treated him as disposable a lot of the time. So he found what he needed elsewhere. Several times. That I even know of I'm sure. The last time was with a woman who proclaimed to be my friend. I was almost prepared to try working it out--again. But I decided to throw the towel in. There was no fixing this. And for the first time, being on my own finally didn't sound terrifying--it sounded liberating.
We get along now. I still find some of his behaviors and such annoying. But since he's not mine to deal with anymore, it's easier to overlook. I think we co-parent pretty well.
My ex was in an emotionally incestous relationship with his mother and practiced permissive parenting with his kids which I believed was passed down from his own mother. There were also other issues stemming mainly from trust and respect (I would catch him being not completely forthcoming about several things and all he would do is get angry with me and lie lie lie when it was brought to his attention so the trust in the relationship was unequivocally broken from early on but I won't go there.) Neither of us were perfect. I also did some really stupid things and feel I could've done a lot of things differently. As far as his kids are concerned I do miss them, and him at times, but I am also glad it's over. I have grown quite a bit as an individual since things ended and do not believe I would've been able to do so while in that relationship. I am now back in school and was also able to advance in my career, twice, since things ended. I was also given the opportunity to travel to several places (before covid) I'd been wanting to go for years but was unable to because of the relationship. I think we both made mistakes and neither of us were perfect. I believe our relationship focused only on his family, and just that, so it began to feel one sided and somewhat empty. In hindsight I do not believe we were compatible and had different views on parenting, family dynamics, respect, etc. I always felt for my ex because I cannot imagine what it would be like having a mother who has almost complete control over my life. However at the end of the day we all make our own choices.
It was his choice to remain enmeshed with his mother and to lie to you. You said it best, we all make our own choices. There is no need to feel sorry for him.
I do not disagree. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes however. Don't get me wrong, I do not regret leaving and it was definitely the right decision. He was also somewhat emotionally abusive and manipulative at times. I do believe these were learned traits from his own family growing up. I won't go into details but it is hard to break away from situations like these people, especially when you are so close to your family who are the ones modeling those behaviors. Not everyone is strong. Not everyone can break away. I consider myself to be very grateful that I'd managed too. I do not hate him nor his kids, he is not a bad person. It just was not a healthy situation to be in and fortunately I managed to get out of it after spending several years in it. It wasn't all bad times so that's what makes it confusing. Individual therapy is a beautiful thing. I highly recommend everyone do this.
I'm still in my first and only marriage and truly love my husband.
However, when I was seriously considering leaving it was because I felt unseen and unheard. I felt like he used me to take care of his kids and support them all emotionally and financially while he got to pursue his dream job. I felt like he treated me like a child in the home with no rights or decision-making power and elevated his kids (especially OSD) to adult status.
If he hadn't made serious changes I would have been gone.
I was immature and lacked good sense when I married him. He was a momma's boy, undermined me with her and with our kids (Your Mom is so mean! Of course you can do that obnoxious/unsafe/anti-social thing!), expected me to take care of him to the detriment of my own best interests, could not keep a job, and on one occasion brought home a sweet little STD. Then along came our son with a plethora of severe medical problems, for which XDH blamed me. Other than that, nothing much.
My tolerance for idiocy has gone down sharply over the years, and I undoubtedly got pretty tough to live with, but for some bizarre reason I kept thinking it would work out. Then one day something flipped a switch and I told him to GTFO. I had stayed in that nightmare for at least 10 years past the relationship's pull-by date, and I was just done.
Nothing about it could have been improved, except I could have listened to the warnings everyone screamed at me from the time they met him until the day the divorce was final.
I would check out after my ex would yell at me and tell me to get out of her house because I tried to address her kids being disrespectful. She would compare me to her ex who I heard nothing but disturbing things about when we first got together, apparently turned into this great guy after they divorced even though he rarely would have his kids for more than a few hours here and there. One time he took his son out of town for a weekend and you would've thought he was father of the year and she won the lottery. I thought to myself he should've been taking his kids every weekend, but that never happened. Nothing I ever did for her or her kids was good enough. Her mother was my number one critic if it wasn't her. Her mother would not butt out. Her mother tried to sabotage her relationship and succeeded. In the end I quit trying.
I'm divorced and remarried with step kids. I didn't have any step situation with my first husband so maybe that isn't the kind of situation you're asking about.
In retrospect, I'm not sure I ever really loved my ex husband. I started dating him because I was bored and desperate. We never really got along. I was devastated when I got pregnant and I had horrible depression, I thought about killing myself. I wasn't happy about having a baby at all until I found out she was a girl and something clicked inside of me.
He and I fought all the time. Every day, yelling and screaming. He admitted he would pick fights on purpose because he thought I was cute when I'm angry. We have completely opposite views and he is a far, right-wing radical. He only became more radical after we got together.
He was also hiding a severe drug problem. And perhaps I was too naive to realize until it was far too late. And I'm not sure how to phrase this but he and his whole family are just not very aspirational people. They were totally content with being poor and going nowhere in life. So, I finally left.
I am now remarried. I love my husband intensely. We still have problems. There has been a lot of drama with his kids and his ex wife. Both of us have acted in poor form about some things and that has caused a lot of resentment between us two.
If we don't stay together, it will be his mom living with us that finally tears us apart. I can hardly take it any more, I want her out.
My XW was an aduterous whore.
My XW was an aduterous whore. I would not take her back if she were the last woman in the Universe.
I am lucky to have escaped without an incurable STD or polluting my own gene pool by spawning with her.
My incredible bride of 25+ years is amazing. I am a fortunate man to share life with her.
Oh where to start LOL
Oh where to start LOL
My ex started doing more and more personal things for his ex-wife. She was using him as a psuedo husband because she didnt have a man in her life so whenever she needed something fixed in the house, something bought online that she needed an account for (Amazon, Netflix, etc.) he jumped. We had a fight about it last September in which we broke up for over a week after I found out that he had changed all his passcodes to hide the conversations they were having. He still swore up and down that there was nothing going on, that he was just being firendly as she was a "poor wittle single woman that doenst make much money" and that he locked down all his devices because he just wanted to avoid a fight with me, which I still question. The final straw (on top of everything else below) I found out that he volunteered to do her taxes for her this year. Never in the last 11 years that they were divorced did he do this and if they were "so easy" as he claimed there was zero reason she couldnt have done them herself. Suspcious activity again that I just got tired of.
On top of the ex issues, he was just a disney, guilty dad that gave into the kids whenever and wherever and they came first no matter what, so I wound up being 5th in line in his life which wasnt acceptable to me. He told me that because we saw things differently there was no future for us beyond just dating. Additionally, even moreso, he just turned to being very rude and disrespectful in general. He would regularly cop an attitude with me for no reason, would put me down in front of our friends and make an excuse that wasnt what he meant, and was just grumpy and irritable a lot. Even getting any intimacy and attention was difficult and I was the one that had to ask for it which shouldnt be that way if a man is interested in you.
So...whew...writing it out again really helps to cement for me why I left. That was the gist of it. It just got worse and worse over the full ~11 years we were together and it had gotten to the point that as a nearly 50 year old woman I didnt to waste anymore of my life with that kind of treatment.
Good for you for getting out!
Good for you for getting out! You are WAY better than that!
- entitled brat kids - bad
- entitled kids - bad mouthing me to his family and friends behind my back - mood swings and anger outbursts over the smallest things - overly friendly relationship with ex who was supposedly a terrible person with serious issues - overbearing invasive mother in law - poor spending habits - having to beg for affection - I came into fourth in his life after his mother, 2 kids and ex yet was expected to put him first.
Last relationship (that
Last relationship (that lasted 6 years) he hadn't had a serious relationship before me and wanted to know if there was better out there. I knew our relationship was ok but not the best, but I was not the type to jump. He dumped me, I was upset for a while but we both moved on. No kids, no marriage, no hate, no drama. Not all relationships end in chaos or because someone is at fault.
I didn’t Pick Well
I was not mature enough or experienced enough to pick a good spouse. Yes, Ex was/is an idiot, but I married him anyway. The relationship failed when I figured out we were not well matched. I had goals, wanted some one who shared my goals, was my intellectual equal and wanted a partner not a wifey. I spent a long time focusing on myself and my kids after the divorce, I learned things about myself, about how my childhood trauma affected my choice in partners. I learned how to make better choices in all areas of my life. I also learned to slow down and really get to know some one. DH and I dated a good long time before marrying.
My 1st marriage- 10 years. He
My 1st marriage- 10 years. He is military. PTSD got us. It got really bad, he didn't want to get help. It was too much to deal with having him off the rails and 2 toddlers. He got the help later and came back around and is a great dad and co parent. I think that had be been willing to get help... maybe we could have made it through but by the time he did too much damage had been done.
2nd marriage- 13 months (I left 4 times in 13 months)- I rushed because of the PTSD exH who was making death threats against me pretty regularly. My family was against our divorce and here was this "great" guy. He was 6'7", all muscley- tall, dark and handsome... I thought I hit the jack pot. Until our wedding night. That was the first time he hurt me and told me he owned me now. I spent it alone crying in a bedroom trapped in a vacation town. I was really stupid. Everyone else saw he was evil, but I only saw that he made my ex stop screaming at me. Probably because even my ex saw the kind of evil he was.
Easy..EX was a narcissistic abusive
ahole.
Finaly straw that sent me to plan my escape..(took me two years)...it wasn't the brusies or the stiches or the being choked unconscious but
Asking my young son to pick up his toys and having him turn to me look me in the eye and say..
I don't have to. You have to do it..your the f'n maid here.
He had heard that so many times from my ex the VI. I knew if I didn't get out, I wouldn't make it and my son would grow up like his father. That was my OH HELL TO THE NO moment.
My ex was an emotionally
My ex was emotionally abusive. He would get in my face, yell at me frequently and tell me to leave if I didn't like how his kids were behaving. One day I did and never went back. Now he's with a drug addled, homely looking, codependent, unstable he/she. Karma at its finest.
ExSO: Narc, major SS issues,
ExSO: Narc, major SS issues, BM was psycho. He asked me to marry him in September. I said let's wait until we move to a new city and get settled as I was not 100% ready. Next month he started cheating on me and gaslighting me. Took about two months of that before I changed the locks on him in the middle of the night because I had enough. No children so no contact in over 10 years. He tried in the first year but I IGNORED him and would no longer provide his narc supply. He found it elsewhere. Thanks ST for helping me through that one!
Because of my past I did not
Because of my past I did not have the maturity nor self respect to choose a good partner. Instead of settling for someone who wanted me to play free nanny and beg for crumbs, I decided to leave and find someone who not only supported my goals but also has genuine interest in me as a person (not just what I could do for him and his kids)
I didn't know what a
I didn't know what a narcissist was until after spending 15 years with one. I literally spent everyday of my marriage questioning my own reality. It was a constant battle to not succumb to his mind games. I always knew that the life I was living was insane but it was years before I realized how that had effected me and how over time it had stripped away at the person I was and changed me into a shell of my former self. A person I couldn't even recognize anymore. I joke now but when I refer to the ex I call him an " emotional vampire" he will take and take until you have nothing left to give.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry that so many ladies on STalk experienced the toxicity and pain that you have suffered with an X.
The anger I feel that these detestable POS assholes abused, humiliated and victimized you is infuriating. I am so sorry that you had to experience that trauma.
A woman/wife is to be cherished. My father made that clear to his sons and we learned that lesson from the example he set.
I truly hope that you all are past that pain and living great lives with decent men.
We were together for a long
We were together for a long time. I was 18 and pregnant by someone else when we made it official that we were together. He was in the delivery room and has been a dad to her her whole life. She's 16 now, 13 when we split. We then went on to have a son together a few years later.
We were completely incompatible though. I see that now. We both have done wrong.
He wanted things from me that I couldn't give. I didn't find conversation with him interesting. I thought he sounded dumb a lot of the time and didn't always hide that fact. For all the ways I found him to be an inept man-baby, I could rarely muster up any sexual attraction to him. I was just completely turned off by him. I treated him as disposable a lot of the time. So he found what he needed elsewhere. Several times. That I even know of I'm sure. The last time was with a woman who proclaimed to be my friend. I was almost prepared to try working it out--again. But I decided to throw the towel in. There was no fixing this. And for the first time, being on my own finally didn't sound terrifying--it sounded liberating.
We get along now. I still find some of his behaviors and such annoying. But since he's not mine to deal with anymore, it's easier to overlook. I think we co-parent pretty well.
My ex was in an emotionally
My ex was in an emotionally incestous relationship with his mother and practiced permissive parenting with his kids which I believed was passed down from his own mother. There were also other issues stemming mainly from trust and respect (I would catch him being not completely forthcoming about several things and all he would do is get angry with me and lie lie lie when it was brought to his attention so the trust in the relationship was unequivocally broken from early on but I won't go there.) Neither of us were perfect. I also did some really stupid things and feel I could've done a lot of things differently. As far as his kids are concerned I do miss them, and him at times, but I am also glad it's over. I have grown quite a bit as an individual since things ended and do not believe I would've been able to do so while in that relationship. I am now back in school and was also able to advance in my career, twice, since things ended. I was also given the opportunity to travel to several places (before covid) I'd been wanting to go for years but was unable to because of the relationship. I think we both made mistakes and neither of us were perfect. I believe our relationship focused only on his family, and just that, so it began to feel one sided and somewhat empty. In hindsight I do not believe we were compatible and had different views on parenting, family dynamics, respect, etc. I always felt for my ex because I cannot imagine what it would be like having a mother who has almost complete control over my life. However at the end of the day we all make our own choices.
It was his choice to remain
It was his choice to remain enmeshed with his mother and to lie to you. You said it best, we all make our own choices. There is no need to feel sorry for him.
I do not disagree. None of us
I do not disagree. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes however. Don't get me wrong, I do not regret leaving and it was definitely the right decision. He was also somewhat emotionally abusive and manipulative at times. I do believe these were learned traits from his own family growing up. I won't go into details but it is hard to break away from situations like these people, especially when you are so close to your family who are the ones modeling those behaviors. Not everyone is strong. Not everyone can break away. I consider myself to be very grateful that I'd managed too. I do not hate him nor his kids, he is not a bad person. It just was not a healthy situation to be in and fortunately I managed to get out of it after spending several years in it. It wasn't all bad times so that's what makes it confusing. Individual therapy is a beautiful thing. I highly recommend everyone do this.
I'm still in my first and
I'm still in my first and only marriage and truly love my husband.
However, when I was seriously considering leaving it was because I felt unseen and unheard. I felt like he used me to take care of his kids and support them all emotionally and financially while he got to pursue his dream job. I felt like he treated me like a child in the home with no rights or decision-making power and elevated his kids (especially OSD) to adult status.
If he hadn't made serious changes I would have been gone.
What changes were made? My
What changes were made? My experience was it doesn't get better even with the changes.
Where to begin?
What went wrong?
I was immature and lacked good sense when I married him. He was a momma's boy, undermined me with her and with our kids (Your Mom is so mean! Of course you can do that obnoxious/unsafe/anti-social thing!), expected me to take care of him to the detriment of my own best interests, could not keep a job, and on one occasion brought home a sweet little STD. Then along came our son with a plethora of severe medical problems, for which XDH blamed me. Other than that, nothing much.
My tolerance for idiocy has gone down sharply over the years, and I undoubtedly got pretty tough to live with, but for some bizarre reason I kept thinking it would work out. Then one day something flipped a switch and I told him to GTFO. I had stayed in that nightmare for at least 10 years past the relationship's pull-by date, and I was just done.
Nothing about it could have been improved, except I could have listened to the warnings everyone screamed at me from the time they met him until the day the divorce was final.
That's one of the best (and
That's one of the best (and once in a while worst) things about aging--your tolerance for idiocy goes down, sharply.
I would check out after my ex
I would check out after my ex would yell at me and tell me to get out of her house because I tried to address her kids being disrespectful. She would compare me to her ex who I heard nothing but disturbing things about when we first got together, apparently turned into this great guy after they divorced even though he rarely would have his kids for more than a few hours here and there. One time he took his son out of town for a weekend and you would've thought he was father of the year and she won the lottery. I thought to myself he should've been taking his kids every weekend, but that never happened. Nothing I ever did for her or her kids was good enough. Her mother was my number one critic if it wasn't her. Her mother would not butt out. Her mother tried to sabotage her relationship and succeeded. In the end I quit trying.
I'm divorced and remarried
I'm divorced and remarried with step kids. I didn't have any step situation with my first husband so maybe that isn't the kind of situation you're asking about.
In retrospect, I'm not sure I ever really loved my ex husband. I started dating him because I was bored and desperate. We never really got along. I was devastated when I got pregnant and I had horrible depression, I thought about killing myself. I wasn't happy about having a baby at all until I found out she was a girl and something clicked inside of me.
He and I fought all the time. Every day, yelling and screaming. He admitted he would pick fights on purpose because he thought I was cute when I'm angry. We have completely opposite views and he is a far, right-wing radical. He only became more radical after we got together.
He was also hiding a severe drug problem. And perhaps I was too naive to realize until it was far too late. And I'm not sure how to phrase this but he and his whole family are just not very aspirational people. They were totally content with being poor and going nowhere in life. So, I finally left.
I am now remarried. I love my husband intensely. We still have problems. There has been a lot of drama with his kids and his ex wife. Both of us have acted in poor form about some things and that has caused a lot of resentment between us two.
If we don't stay together, it will be his mom living with us that finally tears us apart. I can hardly take it any more, I want her out.