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Why DH, why?

stepmominhiding's picture

When DH and I got together,  he said how much he hated BM,  how much of a liar she was, how much he knew he couldn't trust a word out of her mouth. and how much he had her in control. How awesome, right? He's got his shit under control! 

When we first started dating, I pretty much had no clue what went on between DH and BM. How would I know,  I'm not there at pick up or drop off. Then I saw signs here or there,  excessive communication (seriously,  several texts a day every single day plus almost daily phone calls), I told him all this made me uncomfortable, I wanted to give him space until he could sort things out, or we would just see other people.  He stopped the excessive communications with BM.

Then BM wanted to do a joint birthday party,  I was like, oh shit, this is gonna suck,  I already knew it. DH kept asking her fot info, so that he could tell his family.  She never gave him any information about it, accept for the price. So, he paid his half,  but wasn't able to invite any friends or family.  But I put my big girl panties on and went to the party, anyways. I  even bought this big fancy Nancy doll (her favorite book was fancy Nancy). 

Well,  that sucked, but DH promised he'd never do a joint bday again,  and he hasn't.  But he's started doing something else that is really bothering me. 

Now that sd is older,  he's having to go to events that BM is part of,  and I get that,  there will be times that he has ti do that.  But what he's doing is talking about things that are really personal. He says he's just making small talk.   His dad died a year ago, and we were looking into rehoming his dad's dog,  well he offered the dog to BM. Weird! Now, we're in a real financial crunch,  his business is going under,  so now he's looking for a new job.  Well he told BM,  and gave her all the details. This isn't small talk,  this is very much big talk.  None of this is her business. Ive told DH that he needs to stop talking to BM about our business. He just doesn't get it. 

CLove's picture

and just tell him over and over what your boundaries are. DH and I have had that conversation many times, and he has spilled many many many perosnal things about me and our lives togther. I just had to repeat myself a bunch. I had to insist on boundaries and insist on their enforcement, and really spell things out.

stepmominhiding's picture

I just feel like I shouldn't have to correct him over and over again. It gets old really fast. Im beginning to fantasize about not being with him.  But I can't know if it's  because of the whole financial thing or if it's because I get tired of DH confiding in BM, or if it's both. If we weren't in this financial crunch would I be happier in our relationship?  I don't know.  So I stay. 

Siemprematahari's picture

But what he's doing is talking about things that are really personal.

What makes him so comfortable to be able to share these personal things with his XW? What is so hard for him to comprehend that some things are private and she shouldn't be privy to NONE of it. If it doesn't have to do with their child/children than I don't see why they should be having any other type of conversations. Shut this down and do it now because he's violating some major boundaries.

I'm not one to keep telling a grown @ss man over and over again that he's violating. He does it again he needs to feel your wrath because now he's being inconsiderate and straight stupid.

stepmominhiding's picture

I don't know why he feels sho comfortable.  They haven't been together in 14 years,  and even then, they were only together for 1 year! Why, that's what I want to know,  but he insists it was just small talk.... maybe he's just that dumb!  I hate it.  Small talk isn't supposed to be personal

Harry's picture

He not over BM,  There more attachment then SK.   He should not be talking to BM about anything except visitation, medical, schools, vacations ect.  Not family small talk.  Would your DH like you doing this with someone who you lived with.

 Lay down the law now.  No talking, texting and emails only.  He must save text and e mails  so you can read them.  He should have nothing to hide from you.  

stepmominhiding's picture

He's 100% over BM. This isn't my worry.  I just hate when all my private issues are aired out to anyone, especially someone I dislike. That's where i am coming from.  Also BM is like a snake.  She'll be all nice and charming,  then bite you when you least expect it. Probably more like a rabbid dog,  snakes actually give warnings if you pay attention. Any time she's played nice, she's turned around and burned us on so many occasions. 

still learning's picture

He must save text and e mails  so you can read them.  

She should be policing her husband and controlling his conversations? Do you really think that's going to make anything better? If he wants to talk to BM he's going to find a way to do it. All she'd be doing is making BM a more desirable person to talk to.  Micromanaging his life will only push him towards her.  

I witnessed this with my exH's relationships. Wife #2 got right in the middle of everything so he wouldn't talk with me. I had to email her about kids, medical, visitation, etc. Next thing I know they're getting divorced because she's "soooo controlling," his words.  And yes, he vented to me like I should care or feel sorry for him. Same thing is happening with his wife #3. She's intercepting emails and responding for exH, english is her second language so it's actually quite comical that she's trying to pass herself off as him and signing her name on his emails.  I can only guess that either one or both of them will grow weary of this scenerio.  

Personally, I have nothing to do with DH's ex wife or their communication. I don't ask and I don't care.  If it ever becomes an issue I'll bring it up but it will be me that will be changing what I do, meaning I won't be hanging around putting up with it.  I can't think of anything more miserable than reading the old bags texts or emails and policing DH.  She's not that interesting and if he really wanted her back they can have each other.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

support and anticipates a disruption or delay in his ability to pay, it is probably not unwise to give the ex a head's up  particularly if this has the ability to impact her household as well.

Perhaps as your husband is experiencing difficulty in his business life, he is realizing that nurturing animosity and anger leads to unnecessary discord.  Perhaps he appreciates the fact that should be be unable for a period of time to fully assist his children that he can rely on the ex to provide for the kids.

Time tends to mellow and dilute a lot of anger. As for the dog, maybe he just thought that the dog would be in good hands. Surely, if you  try a someone  enough to leave your kids with them, you can trust them enough to leave a dog with them. The ex was willing to keep the dog so it was probably a wise choice.

The two of them getting along has to be better for your household  than the two of them arguing and bickering. If he is having serious financial issues any reduction in stressors is probably a positive thing.


stepmominhiding's picture

No, no.  His CS goes through the attorney general's office before it goes to BM. DH set that up as soon as sd was born.  If he's late,  it's big trouble.  He'd rather borrow money from people to make sure that it gets paid.  It comes directly out of our checking account whether it's there or not.  This past month he borrowed money from my parents, I've never borrowed money from my parents before, it was humiliating.  Do him talking to BM about it was either 1 of 2 things,  he actually either thought it was small talk,  or he was just venting his troubles to her. So either he's confused about  small talk,  or he's confiding in her,  which imo is inappropriate. 

DH and BM only dated for a year before she got pregnant.  Then they broke up when she was 3 months along.  They were never married, they never even lived together. When DH ands I got together,  they hadn't been together in over 5 years.  Today,  me and DH have been together for 9 years. It's not like any of this is new for him.  

1wonder woman's picture

Maybe he talked to his ex-wife about his business troubles to inform her ahead of time that down the road there might be less money coming her way in child support? I do think it is none of her business unless he sees trouble down the road. I do feel he should of discussed this issue with you first and he should of told you he was going to bring this subject up to her and why.  At least get your input on weather he should discuss this with her. 

My parents were divorced when I was 7 years old and my parents disengaged thank God they did. My parents did their own thing when it came to birthday celebrations. Kids can feel the tension trust me you know how uncomfortable you felt well they feel the same feeling and it will cause stress and anxiety.  Not good... I know many families that are divorced try to get together and have one birthday party with all the parents and they say we are going to do this for the kids. But honestly the kids would be so much happier if they had two separate birthday parties. The number one thing divorce causes is everyone to feel uncomfortable! So why put everyone through this pain... not worth it! 

I remember when I first met my SO he was newly divorced and his exwife use to text and call him all the time daily... way too much...I felt there was no need in all of these text messages and phone calls.  She was ordering her ex-husband around like they were still married... I nipped it right in the butt and put a stop to it. Some couples have a hard time setting boundaries and disconnecting.... they do not want to let go of that connection and that role they use to play. 

I remember when I was a kid... my mom and step mom did all the communication and trust me there was very little to talk honestly... If everyone follows the visitation schedule and everyone does what they are suppose to do then really what is there to talk about... nothing. When my mom dropped us girls off she always sat in the car pushed on the horn to let my Dad know we were home and we'd get out of the car on our own and my dad or step mom would open the door for us. Same went when she picked us up.. She never went into the house or up to the front door. Thank goodness my parents did things like they did back then because I was stressed enough.  I remember every time I was picked up and dropped off I'd get really sick to my stomach... I suffered from separation anxiety big time with both of my parents not fun. 

stepmominhiding's picture

I WISH DH would let child support be late, or that it wouldn't go through the attorney general's office, theat we'r just wrote checks to her for it. Then maybe we'r could be late, or miss a payment all together. But she'll never miss a payment. She'll just be sitting pretty, while we're sitting here in the dead heat, while we ate cutting cable,  turning up the thermostat,  not going grocery shopping for wks,  so we're creating on canned beans and canned veggies,  pb and j's. And she knows all this, she even knows DH borrowed $1000 from my parents ti ensure that she gets her child support.... this is so embarrassing. I hope he gets a new job soon.  I really do

Curious Georgetta's picture

all way of handling post divorce issues is probably disingenuous.  People marry for many different reasons. People divorce for different reasons.People have varying beliefs about boundary issues People have differing views about what constitutes personal or private information and different ideas about with whom they are willing to share that information.

The fact that the OP and her husband seem to be among the group of people who do not share the same views , does not  make either of them right or wrong. It simply means that what works for her does not work for him. His boundaries and his view of what is appropriate are different. That does not mean that they are wrong.   It simply means that the OP does not wish to be married to a man who is unwilling to behave in a manner inconsistent with her particular views.

It is hard to see how what  happens in her husband's business is the OP 's personal business if the husband , and owner of the business, is comfortable and actively sharing this information with others.

It is quite possible and not unreasonable that he views the ex the same as any of his other creditors who are likely to be impacted by a down turn in his business.

The OP and her husband  might benefit from counseling. They could learn how to better understand and respect each other's perspectives without expecting the other to necessarily change or compromise their boundaries and  beliefs.  

If they cannot come to any agreement or learn to live peacefully with the differing opinions, then it would seem that they are incompatible.

They are partners not possessions. The OP does not "own" information about her husband's business . She could not dictate what information that he shared with any other creditors and in this situation  a child support obligation is simply another debt.

If the husband was  married to the ex when he started his business , he may also feel that she will have an informed opinion about the possible impact of a downturn in his business and can better prepare for the potential impact on her own household.

This is about business ; it is not about marriage. If the OP chooses to make this about her marriage she can do so but to what end? The financial situation from the OP's vantage point is unchanged whether the ex knows or not. The ex on the  other hand, by being informed has a chance to prepare for the possible impact.


stepmominhiding's picture

There will be no impact on BM,  that's what you're not  understanding, DH wil borrow from everyone he can before missing child support, he will sell our house before he misses child support. The fact that he's telling BM our financial information is my business,  because she knows that we're late on our car payments, she knows that we're late on house payments, she knows that we canceled or vacation. But she's still sitting pretty with her child support. And she knows that we borrowed $1000 from my parents for it.  How humiliating is it that this lady that I can't stand is privy to this knowledge? 

beebeel's picture

Does he blab about his business with everyone, or just bm?

If it's the first, he simply never learned any boundaries. If he doesn't overshare with everyone, I don't care what he says, he is still emotionally attached to his ex.

stepmominhiding's picture

Everyone really,  he tells his brother,  he tells his friends,  he tells my family. Anyone who asks really

Curious Georgetta's picture

Why then are you angry about the ex knowing your situation? It seems as though your husband is a motor mouth with an inordinate need to disclose his personal information. Anyone in or out of your circle is likely to know any or all of your business.

Why single the ex out? From what you say, your husband engaged in in indiscriminate disclosure; his behavior means that on any given day, anyone who encounters him may know your life story.

Your problem has nothing to do with the ex and all to do with your husband.  You may have a what s mine is ours point of view, but as relates to information he clearly subscribes to the belief that your business belongs to any and everyone.

He is a  perfect example of someone who believes in putting his business on the street.

You would be much better off if he restricted his disclosures to the ex: then only one person would know your  business. His behavior ensures that your business is on broadcast.

Curious Georgetta's picture

about his business and his sharing information about  the downturn in his business.

That is different than his telling her that you are not paying your bills on time. It is fine if he chooses to tell her that he is not paying his bills on time, that is information about himself that he is chosing to share.

I agree that he should not be discussing your personal information with anyone without your permission. That you are not making your car payments on time is not information that he should be sharing with anyone 

As to child support, if everything else is going south , he may know that sooner or later that will be impacted as well. The state can only take money from an account of there is money in the account.

I understand your being humiliated by his sharing information about your personal bill paying habits. You are making this about the ex and it is not. He would have been wrong  to share "your information" with anyone .

If he had said ",I am having problems paying my creditors" he would have been sharing his personal information. While you would not have done that it is within his right to reveal his personal information to whom ever he chooses.

I suspect the grey area is what is his as opposed to your personal business. 

If the 2 of you are having significant financial problems that is where your focus should be. It does not matter that the ex knows this. She only knows what all of his other creditors know.

Try not to care about what the ex knows. She is not at all significant as compared to the more pressing financial issues that you are facing.

If your husband has been reduced to borrowing from your parents, he may find it easier to confide in someone who is less likely to be judgemental.

None of that excuses his disclosing your particular bill paying information.

Hopefully, his financial status will improve.

stepmominhiding's picture

Our money is in a joint account and our bills are OUR bills, not his bills and my bills,  OUR money pays OUR bills. My money goes in OUR account.  And yes,  when child support comes out,  if there is not enough money,  it still comes out. It's called over drafting the account. When we don't have money in OUR checking account,  child support over drafts it. 

still learning's picture

You mean YOUR money pays HIS bills.  Time to separate finances from your sinking ship of a husband.  

stepmominhiding's picture

Also, this isn't an ex problem, it's a DH problem.  That's why my attention is on DH, not BM. 


Curious Georgetta's picture

post was about the ex and your husband 's  sharing information with het. Only in subsequent postings did you  disclose  that he tells the same information essentially to anyone who will listen.

It does seem as though he is fixated on the ex as much as he shares information in an indiscriminate  manner. Not  sure why the ex warranted special standing in this particular story.



still learning's picture

As to child support, if everything else is going south , he may know that sooner or later that will be impacted as well. The state can only take money from an account of there is money in the account.

If theres no money in an account, the state can garnish future earning, tax returns, and take property. I just read about a man who was 20k in arrears in child support. He had successfully been dodging it for awhile. He remarried, neglected to tell his new unsuspecting spouse about his obligations, and opened a joint account with his new wife who had some money.  The state came and took 20k of their (meaning her) assets! 

My point is, hitiching your legal wagon to a man who will be indebted to another woman and her children for years to come may not be a smart move.  

Chelseybychelsey's picture

You're a fool for staying.

He cares more about his ex then you. You know this.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Ex if he shares this same information with anyone who will listen.

He simply seems to have a very elastic  definition of personal or private.

He is actually  just an open book .

Rags's picture

My crazy XW thought that we would be buddies and lovers after our divorce.  I can't see sharing intimate details with an X about my life.  My financial condition, relationships, and life are none of an Xs business even if I had kids with that X.

A divorce ends intimacy, sharing, communication, etc, etc, etc... with the very limited and controlled exception if there are joint spawn.  Even then... limitations need to be strickly enforced.

Rags's picture

Divorce ends all intimate sharing of information.  No discussion of next relationships, money, etc, etc, etc.....With the limited and very controlled exception of joint kids.  Then communication should be limited to only kid related critical topics unless both Xs are reasonable people and can reasonably communicate without betraying any new partners in the  mix.

My XW wanted to be friends and lovers after our divorce was final.  My answer to that was "I was married to you, what makes you think I want to date you?  You wouldn't have sex while we were married, why would you think that I would want you now that we are divorced?"  Nope, that didn't happen.  In fact the day she moved out I had a date that night and had the locks rekeyed within two hours of her departure.  

I have always struggled with the concept that an X might think that they have any say or right to a say in the live of their X or believe that they have any stature in the life or eyes of their X.  For the rare people that can have a decent relationship after a divorce, I applaud them.  

Most people, nope.  They get to STFU when the relationship is over.  They are the X for a reason.

THe relationship is over, they are no longer a concern or a priority.