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Who wants to pay to be a nanny?

relationshipguru's picture

Instead of it being the other way around? Not me! Anyone with me here? Who wants to financially support children who aren't yours when chances are they are disrespectful in return and one day you will split up anyways and never see them again? Who is with me?

Siemprematahari's picture

At least nanny's get paid. I'd rather be a nanny in the upper east of NYC and call it a day. 

Thank you very much & goodbye!

BethAnne's picture

I had a friend who was a nanny for a while to wealthy families and she was earning $100k+ as well as getting to go on exciting vacations etc and other cool perks with the families. When she stoped working for them she stayed in touch and the kids love her. Sounds great (on paper) if you are a kid person. Apparently parents can get pretty demanding though. 

ldvilen's picture

Yes, and stepparents do all of this for free, except instead of you getting paid $100k, you get to fork over about that much for someone else's children thru loss of income, either from yourself or your DH having to fork over extra dough for this, this and this, cash out 401k money for weddings, college, continue support of adult children, etc.  AND, your big thanks is more than likely going to be a lifetime of suspicion and the evil eye rather than any kind of love, much less appreciation.

Yeah, I think most of us if we had to do over again, we'd pick nanny over step-parent any day of the week.  The so-called demanding parents that nannies may have to put up with have nothing on the controlling, manipulating BMs and weaker, enabling DHs that are rampant in Step World.  Nanny--yes!

tog redux's picture

I wouldn't and I didn't do either one of those things, you don't have to as a stepparent.

relationshipguru's picture

I'm guessing no one caught onto my sarcasm. I was insinuating that being a step mother is basically like being a free nanny, only if you move halfway across the state to be with your DH and his kids then you now get to pay to be a nanny by paying half of his rent/mortgage and your moving expenses!

BethAnne's picture

I got it, I'm sure others did too. 

If you have this much resentment over the decision that you took to move and contributing towards your accomodation then it sounds like there are some problems in your relationship. Stop allowing yourself to be treated as a nanny and start demanding that your partner parent his own kids. If he won't, then it might be time to consider moving out. 

ldvilen's picture

I agree.  Seperating all of that out is not as easy as it appears.  If you all go out to dinner, for instance, and you have one kid and he has three, do you pay 1/3 and he pays 2/3rd?  Sounds crazy, because it is.  You cannot break down a marriage, a relationship into that kind of math.  It is one of those things that sneaks up on you.  You start out with your DH expecting a marriage, share, love, honor and cherish, etc., and, like most women, you put your all into it.  You don't stop to think about fair, because what is fair and a marriage is supposed to be about both of you giving 100% every time.

Then, you start to notice little things--your DH seems to have more extra money than you do, even though he has more kids and pays child support.  One example.  The reality of the matter is unless you are both mathematicians and love doing spreadsheets together, no one is going to notice this kind of lopsidedness that can so easily go on in step families, until months, years down the road.  Even in initial families, women continue to do more of the work then the men.  Perhaps these women are okay with that because it is their own bio-children.

So, it is so easy for SMs to get snowed in more ways than one, and next thing you know, 10 years have gone by, you got your butt kicked more than a few times by growing stepkids, and you find yourself in major burnout mode.  No one should really be minimizing how easily all of this can creep up on intelligent, heart-felt, well-intentioned women.

relationshipguru's picture

Most people definitely go into these situations with good intentions. As the years pass however most begin to get resentful. Money is one of those reasons. For example if you do not have any children yourself, and your SO has multiple children (and both bio parents are alive, well and working decent jobs) is it really fair that you are expected to pay for those kids or for the two of you to take turns paying equally? Even that situation seems very lopsided. Add into the fact that you are to allowed to parent them how you would like. At the end of the day those are not your kids and they have two parents who are doing just fine. It is one thing if you choose to pay for them so however to be expected to pay for them regularly is a whole other story. I find this would make most people resentful.

missyont's picture

I personally love watching my step daughter almost half the month while my SO overpays her child support so she can sit on her ass at home right now or go hang out with her other kids or responsibilites. I especially love that I watch her in the day while he works and she lives 2 blocks away and is not at work or anything. BUT my favourite is when she picks up her daughter and has the audacity to say "to get our shit together why is she in such a bad mood don't we feed her." She eats constantly and you are a major C U NEXT TUESDAY yelling at everyone when you pick her up which is the attitude. But YOUR WELCOME. LOLOLOL Oh I don't want to forget that my absolute favourite is nobody ever asking if I have anything to do and just expencting and having her show up randomly for me to watch all the time as if my job is the on call babysitter for SO and his BM. Nobody cares that I have 3 of my own kids ( mind you its 50/50 with DAD ), self employed and doing online school at the moment though.. and pregnant. Biggrin I feel like their bitch. Also if my kids are here it's always "well yours are here." So even if it's not his time.. which 75% of the time she is here is not.. he just takes her so I can watch her and he can get brownie points from his ex.

ldvilen's picture

Ha!  I think you just came up with the most concise definition of step-parenting I've ever seen.  Being a step-parent feels like being the bios' be.atch.  Wink   I'm the BB, for short.

missyont's picture

I was feeling awful for having these feelings but i found this forum and I know Im not awful now hahaha

Rags's picture

CPs are paid CS to be the nanny.  It is up to the NCP and their partner to make sure they get service for their money.

If the CP is unreasonable, manipulative and toxic, what else is there for the NCP to consider the CP as?

It may seem odd that I have this perspective considering that I am married to the CP in our blended family equation.  

With the preponderance of unreasonable BP/CPs in the world of many STalkers this makes the most sense to me. Particularly when the CP represents the toxic blended family opposition.