You are here

Where's the love?

raconti's picture

My soon-to-be husband has been little more than polite with my daughter from another relationship. I really hoped the two of them would get along better, if not grow close. I guess in my ideal world, I would find them reading books on the couch together, horsing around, maybe he'd even volunteer to walk her to the bus stop in the morning. We'd even (gasp) refer to her as "our" daughter.

No such luck.

We have a newborn, and before the baby arrived, my fiance insisted he wouldn't treat the children differently. At first I worried that would mean he would be standoffish with BOTH of them, but he goos and gahs all over this new baby while constantly barking at my daughter. My daughter will even curl up next to him on the floor, as if she's craving his attention, and he won't so much as rub her head or talk to her.

Is this normal? I don't know what to do here. It feels incredibly awkward that the baby gets to have two parents raising him, while my daughter gets only one parent in the house. (He constantly tells her to go ask her mom instead of making a decision regarding her.) If there's any way to make this better, I'm all ears. I've talked to him about it, but nothing seems to change. I realize I can't make him love her, though he insists he does. In the end, what will this do to my daughter? She does have a good relationship with her father, though they see each other only a few times a year because they live far from each other.

Little Jo's picture

I'm not sure what to tell you, other than in my opinion this can't be good for your daughter. How old is she?
BF needs a slap on the head. How would he feel if you ignored him and gushed and gooed over the baby all the time?

raconti's picture

She's also been acting up in school lately, and I wonder if this is why.

tyra's picture

I have a SD and my Dh and I have a son together. I know that I love them differntly but I love them. I can't imagine her coming here and feeling the way your poor daugther probably does. We are the adults and must do whatever we can to protect the little ones. Your heart must be breaking for her.

I don't know what to say. Have you tried speaking to your DH? Is he aware of his behaviour (men...you can point it out and sometimes they just don't get it). I know it brings my DH so much joy when his daugther and I doing things together.

Do they have anything in common...books...maybe spend some time at the library together...hockey...watch a game together.

I really don't know I am just grasping.

Good Luck

raconti's picture

I talk to him about it all the time. I tell him what I'd like to see from him. We tried counseling but that seemed to just make us both angry. It's funny you mention hockey: she will go get her pom poms when he's watching a game and ask him to tell her when it's time to cheer. He completely ignores her. The other day she did this again, and I pointed it out to him. So he just reached down and patted her head, like she was a DOG. Then went back to ignoring her. Yes, it does break my heart.

For the record, he is a great guy about everything else. Really wonderful.

tyra's picture

That breaks my heart....I can only imagine what is doing to yours.

I do think he is being very insensitive and selfish..sorry...but this is a child looking for accpeptance. I think it is even more important when a new baby comes along to make sure that she gets it. I remember when my son was born everyone told me my SD will be jealous and act out....not once have I seen her act like that. I think it is because she knows she is loved by all and we include in the smallest of things...changing diapers, picking out his pjs whatever.

Sorry to hear counselling didn't work. That was my next suggestion. From reading these post I know not everyone bonds with their skids. Some for real reasons but I imagine this is hard on everyone.

There must be something going on in him....how can anyone not love a little girl with pom poms cheering will watching a hockey game. Too bad you didn't video tape this and he could see for himself how insensitive he was towards her.

I wish I had answers maybe someone else will have more experience with this one.

Good Luck

Little Jo's picture

After want you just said about her getting her pom poms. I'm sorry this this selfish man needs to be beat like a rug. Totally unacceptable adult behavior.
He may be great about everything else, but what else is more important than the emotional well being of a 5 year old.

raconti's picture

Well, short of beating him like a rug myself, I am thinking of getting my daughter and me into counseling, to figure out why she is acting up in school. I try to talk to her about it, but she doesn't have the words to tell me what's wrong, and I'm afraid of being too suggestive and planting ideas in her head. Anyway, maybe this will be a way to draw the fiance back into counseling. I'm not looking forward to it, since our relationship was really awful when we were going to counseling before and immediately improved when we stopped going. I wonder then, if anyone has had experience with kids in counseling?

holeekrap789's picture

Raconti....I have 6 daughters and have dealt with this issue of standofish stepdad in the past..Thankfully we got through it and that area at least was all better.
I have a couple of ideas that helped here, maybe it will help you some.
1. could your husband be afraid of being accused of doing something wrong or 'bad touch' stuff with your daughter? If he knows anyone who has gone through this it is very possible that it is at least in the back of his mind.
2.could he be afraid of being overbearing in her eyes?
3. could be be unsure of how to interact with a little girl..you know...nothing in common?

One of the easiest and best things I did that worked miracles was to 'force' interaction and quality alone time. When I was busy ex;cooking dinner I would 'suddenly remember that I needed something from the store' and have my husband take my daughter to go get it. I would ask him to do simple things like help me get her shoes and coat on while I packed up the baby,I gave them common ground that was harmless for him to meet her on.
I would show him her school work and talk about the cute little things she said or did or anything else I could say to present her as a person with interests and feelings, no matter how uninterested he seemed, and I especially asked him to help me with her problem solving like homework, bad feelings, how do I explain to her, and other matters of this sort.
The more he felt connected without actually having to show it, the more he was willing to show it to her.
When it came to dealing with her, I explained to her that my husband loved her but wasn't a very demonstrative type of person because he was 'new' in her life and didn't want to upset her.
Kids are amazing when they don't feel they are at fault and they want to please an important adult in their life.They always seem to know just the right words or actions and deliver them at just the right time. As long as she understands it isn't anything she is doing wrong, she will be fine.
One of the hardest parts of all of this was for me to back off and 'let it happen' I was finally not the only adult that she had and I had to show it to her and myself.
Good luck
Lisa Dawn

raconti's picture

These are all great suggestions. I think one-on-one time would help. And it is possible he might be paranoid, even though he's raised two daughters of his own. I remember the first time I asked him to check on her in the tub, he looked at me like I had two heads. But I think the bigger issue is he's afraid to do something discipline-wise that will upset me, even though I have told him I'd like him to step up to the plate more. (I do think he's a little strict... but he wants to make the rules have me enforce them.)

Maybe finding ways for them to spend time together will force them to work some of this out between themselves.

Any other ideas are welcome also!

Catch22's picture

I could only wish my SS would try to get my attention, he on the other hand ignores my existance. So I know how she feels. Me and my BS came as a package deal, I simply won't stand for him being treated like anything other than, an important part of the family, like everyone else. You need to firmly tell your man that this is breaking both your hearts and if the problem isn't solved soon you will have to rethink this relationship (or something similar). It's true you do not have to like everyone but if you are forced to be in the same house, you at least have to respect them and that includes her feelings. I am no expert, but I too have a little one now with hubby and I can't imagine bubby getting heaps of attention and the other kids none, how hurtful Sad If the touching thing is the problem then he just needs to direct her away from a touchy feely relationship and steer her toward a more comfortable relationship they can both enjoy. She already has a dad, so they could be hockey mates! Good luck, but seriously you are all she has and she needs you to bat for her(which I see you are already doing). Good luck and I hope that your situation turns around for you Smile