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Where should he sleep?

Ritka88's picture

Hello, Two weeks ago I have finally found flat of my dreams that I was looking for last few months.

My SO has a 14yo son who stays with us 11days per month and last two years we have been renting flat with one bedroom that was for SS,so basiclly I had to sleep in living room(that type with open kitchen) on the sofa while empty room was aways ready for SS.Now rules is going to change...Im the one who is taking a huge debt and the flat will be only for my name and also is one bedroom so now there is even no subject of sleeping in livingroom- we definitely will keep it for us.Everything seems to be fine but I feel like my SO is kind of unhappy that his son will have to stay in livingroom:/...Well, I could live two years with zero private space while his son visits and now if the situation will change seems to create issue for him.

I have been dreaming many years to have my own flat,saving money for 10% deposits (and I dont earn coconats) and now when my dream comes true he is ruining my happiness showing his dissatisfaction...

How should I handle it?

tog redux's picture

Tell your SO if he wants to join you in the new flat, his son sleeps on the couch when he comes - or he can pony up for a two-bedroom. Or he can leave, find his own one-bedroom, and sleep on the couch there.

I get that he wants his son to feel welcome, but you guys sleeping in the living room while the one bedroom is empty 20 days a month is absurd. He can explain to his son about money and what he can afford right now.

susanm's picture

Exactly!  You are buying the place.  Of course you will sleep in the bedroom.  For anyone to even suggest differently is insane.  This guy is lucky you are allowing him to move with you and if he doesn't like where his son is going to sleep he can damn well stay where he is!

Plantmom's picture

This is your house! You are doing him a favor by letting him live with you. If he's unhappy he should have said so while you were looking at flats and chipped in to afford a 2 bedroom. It's good that it's in your name only because if this goes south he will be the one who has to leave.

Your BF is probably worried that if SS doesn't have his own room then he will not want to come over. Stepkids like to make a big deal about rooms and BMs also make a big deal of it but they will probably only be using a room to sleep anyway.

In my experience my SD and BM were very adamant about having her own room and not having anyone else use it when she's not there. We see her every other weekend and all she does is sleep in the room and make comments about how we haven't decorated it for her. She has no interest in helping pick out decor she just wants to show up and see that we have her room set up like an altar for her. She won't even leave any of her stuff in there that we get her, she takes it all back to BMs but wants her room to be full of toys, clothes, computer, tv... We can't buy it all twice, we stopped buying toys and clothes after some went a year still in the box or with tags. She just wanted stuff to have it, she had no intention to use it. 

Whoever pays for the house decides what to do with the house! DH agrees me with that we don't need to have a shrine to SD in our house. 

Ritka88's picture

That is exactly why I was fustrated about this situation and rushing loan process to finally have my privacy! He had a private room but was not spending time there at all(only sleeping).This flat was so small,during his visitation I could spend time only on bed where we are sleeping or doing something in the kitchen(open kitchen)...And I was sharing expenses 50:50...SS was entitled to spending time wherever he wanted,I don’t...

Curious Georgetta's picture

child , should be capable of providing a bedroom for that child.  Tell him to find his own place for the 2 of them  and he can visit you at your place when his son is not with him

Enjoy your new place and your relationship with this man, but that does not mean that you have to live together.

Ritka88's picture

Yes, I agree but he is generally a good guy and I know that he feels sad that he can’t provide room for his son but is only because he put all of his money to renovate house of EX and after their relationship he was left with nothing.He could save money but he is spending too much for child support,and spoiling son with very expensive clothes,gifts and lifestyle.

Winterglow's picture

If he's sad about this then he should stop throwing his money away on baubles for his son and start saving. NOW.  

SteppedOut's picture

Yeah... no way I would be funding a man so he could be free to waste it on his kid. 

ndc's picture

I find it ridiculous that a couple is sleeping on the couch so that a teenage boy can have the only bedroom for the 11 days a month he's there.  It would be even more ridiculous for you to give SS the lone bedroom in a place that YOU own. If your SO doesn't like it, tell him to find his own place for the 11 days when the kid is around.

Frankly, though, I'm not sure why his father doesn't find a 2 bedroom place.  It's not like the kid comes for 4 days a month - he's there a third of the time and for the sake of all of you, should have a private space.  Otherwise, even if the adults take the bedroom, you have a bedroom but no common area for a third of the month.  I get that finances are tight, but perhaps a decent living space should be a priority over expensive clothes, gifts and lifestyle for the SS.  I certainly hope that your SO will be contributing to the expenses of your new flat; if not you have bigger issues. 

Ritka88's picture

Problem is because he didn’t tell me anything about it,he know I was dreaming to have our private sleepingroom and he is I think happy too...I just can see some part of him is sad that he will not give his son proper living space and he is not as excited about new flat like me.I mean every couple has happy life moments that they share happiness but in our life my happy moments are at the same time his moments of nostalgia(for example traveling togehter, doing something interesting as a couple, now this flat) Im affraid ,in the future bigger things that will bring me happiness for him will bring nostalgy( our child, marriage etc)..

oatsnhoney's picture

Every couple has happy life moments together. Yes. But not “our” kind of couples. You can’t get those moments with a man with an ex and children. It is always full of baggage poisoning your new moment.  Welcome to step life. 

Thumper's picture

Couldnt live with a man who didnt pay HIS share. Your being used.

Thats your deal.

Good Luck

Ritka88's picture

Thank god he pays his share:) I could not live being used also. Just I took debt and flat only for myself because 1. He has no creditworthiness,2. We have no marriage so could be not fair for me take a huge debt and just in case something happened I had to give 50% to his son. I always protect myself.

ESMOD's picture

There is no reason why you would have to give half to his son.. just because he pays towards the flat.  You can have the flat legally set up to revert to you if your SO passes away.  It doesn't sound like he pays his share.. because if he did.. you could afford a 2 bedroom place to live... even if it means RENTING.. instead of buying right now.  home ownership is less important than your personal comfort... you do need to rethink what you are doing because you are buying the wrong place if you are with this man because his son needs more than a couch to sleep on for 1/3 of the month. 

Let me be clear.. one bedroom is not right for your situation.  You shouldn't buy it.. because if you DO get married.. then you could buy together something larger and suitable.  It just seems to be rushing and you will regret it.  I think you sleeping on the couch in the past is wrong too.  your SO is NOT carrying the weight of having the kid because you don't live in the right place for a kid.

Thumper's picture

Second thought...I think you should save the money to get a 2 bedroom place. Surprise your boyfriend with this new news.

 Pay for it all. And never, ever make him feeeel he has to give you 1cent for rent, electric, food, water. He is a great guy and doesnt need that added stress. It may cause UPS and DOWNS in the bedroom if you follow me.

You may need to get a second job to continue to subsidize what HE spends on himself and for child support.

He IS a great guy and worth every single expence you encounter. Thats for darn sure.

best wishes moving forward Smile

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

There is no way I would be considering a one bedroom place with a child involved. 11 days is much more than just the every other weekend parent which in that case I still think the child should have their own BED, let alone a room. Where will you keep the child’s stuff and what will he be sleeping on. He isn’t a visitor. He will live there about 1/3 of the month.

Or is he just a visitor because dad’s only a visitor also? Does dad have his own place?

Otherwise this is a big issue. It’s just not big enough for a family of two adults and one child. If dad doesn’t want to see his kid at all this is a good way to do that because BM could easily remove over nights since the child doesn’t even have a room. It just not an appropriate space.

I understand you’re buying what works for YOU and that’s fine but you have to consider what you want for your family? Or maybe SO and his kid aren’t family and you don't want to take that risk. Either way I do think in the end SO needs to step up. the home you're offereing isn't acceptable for him and his son.

STaround's picture

The kid is there 1/3 of the month.  Either slepping in the living room or bedroom is going to be annoying.  I dont know to say, give you have already bought the place.  

I Used to live in NYC, where people had space issues all the time.  Many people would convert  dining area into a small bedroom and put table in living room.  Other option would be to dedicate a walk in closet to kid, kid sleeps in Living room, but studies, etc in closet. 

Ritka88's picture

Thank you for advice:) can’t imagine anything more annoying than teenager walking around the house and me having no privacy as I have right now.There at least I will have my corner so I can go and spend peacfull time.

There is no way for him to spending time in our bedroom, he also does not study,generally only what he does is mess and cleaning fridge from good food....uggh..

Physics guy's picture

The day I have to give up my beroom so the skid could sleep in it is the day I kick everyone out!  You need to keep the bedroom and set up some boundaries.  If SO is upset about having the kid sleep in the living room then SO can sleep in living room, too.

Good luck, you deserve a nice place AND privacy.

Ritka88's picture

Thank you:) is exactly what I feel now...I have worked and working hard to have my bit of floor and hate that someone is making me feel guilty even if not with purpose.

SecondNoMore's picture

I could never respect a guy who couldn't provide the basics for a child he created and housing is one of the most basic of the basics. Don't make excuses about what he gave the ex or anything else. If he wants to build a life with someone else (you), he needs to have the resources to do that AND support the child. It's your BF's job to kick in enough money to make the second bedroom happen. 

ESMOD's picture

I'm also having a huge problem with this dynamic. 

1.  A child who is in the home a significant amount of time should have a private place to sleep.  therefore a ONE bedroom place is not suitable for having a child living there for 1/3 of the month... it just isn't.

2.  Your SO is the one who should be ensuring that EXTRA money is being spent to assure that his son has a private room.. but also that the two of YOU have a private room. 

You should be getting a 2 bedroom place at minimum.  Your SO should be covering 2/3 of the cost of this place.  If he isn't.. you are dating a loser and a user if he is relying on you to cover his bills.

hereiam's picture

A bad precedent was set, letting the one bedroom be your SS's, in the first place.

Where was your SO and his son living before the two of you were renting the 1 bedroom flat?

Nothing has really changed, other than ownership, with the new flat. Same bad situation but now your SO it going to put a guilt trip on you because you want your bedroom to be YOUR bedroom.

Maybe SO should continue to rent the flat, for himself and his son?


Ritka88's picture

Well,is not that easy...before we started live together he was living in his family house with mom,two brothers and their partners-there was also no room for SS..disaster.I was the one who got idea to rent small flat to live together..Prices here going up and up and renting two bedroom flat is very expensive...same situation with buying.Of course if he woul be saving to buy with me bigger flat everything would be fine and one bedroom would be for SS,it did not happen so I bought what I could afford and what was suitable for me.Im case we break I would stay alone with big flat,bigger bills etc.To be honest I used to be planning to buy studio but have had taken much biger loan to provide more space...

hereiam's picture

So, what you are saying, is that your SO cannot afford to have a place for his son on his own. He doesn't get to guilt trip you out of YOUR bedroom, in YOUR flat.

Where would he go if you broke up? Back to his family?

Ritka88's picture

Yes, he would be back there.His work situation in not stable now so he would be impossible for him to have such a big expense only for himself.

ESMOD's picture

Please think long and hard before you decide to hitch your wagon to someone who cannot pay his own way.  Of course he is broke and in unstable unemployment due to "no fault of his own"... of COURSE it isn't his fault.  Life is just against him.  It's someone else's fault.  I know he has excuses for all of it.  All my useless Exes had them too.  You want to believe the person you are with isn't in the wrong.. but they often are.

So.. you should buy the home YOU can afford.  I think it's horrible that your Boyfriend can't afford a room for his son.  For that reason alone, I would break up with him.. what kind of life will you have with someone like that?  What if YOU have a child?  Where will THAT child go.. with a man that can't afford the child he has now? 

If you stay with him you are limiting your future.

Rags's picture

Residents get priority of space, bedrooms, etc.....  Visiting family members fit where it makes sense.