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When the other step-parent is rude, controling, and non-involved!

stepmom1712's picture

First, God bless this site!!! I have been searching for a way to talk with other step-parents who might understand what I go through, and at last I have found you!! Smile

I have been involved with my SS's life for more than 4 years now. For 2 of those years, his BM was non-existent....she cheated on my husband (her ex) in their marriage, and when they (my SS and husband) moved home, she helped them both to pack and willingly drove them to the airport! She hardly ever called her son, never sent cards, didn't even send birthday or christmas messages during the time she was absent. For one christmas he received a winter coat, but it was 4 sizes to big for him at the time!

2 years ago, she moved back, and after a year of partying, drinking, and being a partial mom, she was on a mission to be "super-mom". She remarried (after finding out that she was pregnant) and has since given birth to 2 children. She doesn't work, volunteers her time at my SS's school and has even gone so far as to sign herself up as the cub scouts' den leader. While this may all sound like a "rehabilitated soul", the kicker is that she is mentally unstable. Her mother has a history of psychosis, and from everything that we have seen in the past 4 years, she is following in her mom's footsteps. Our SS is too young to really notice (although he has, at one point, straight out said to me that "my mom is crazy, you know that, right?") but we continually monitor the things he is taught at the BM's home to make sure nothing is out of control. (That ghosts aren't living in his BM's home to watch over him and his siblings at all times; that our current president is not a "traitorous muslim that should be shot"; that firefighters and police officers are just as heroic and necessary as EMSA personnel(step-dad is an EMSA medic)). What we have come to realize in the past months, is that while BM is mentally unstable, step-dad is a control-freak. We found out that he had checking into an AA program last year, and shortly after he "got sober", BM dropped all of her friends and family for his friends and family. Literally, told her friends and family that she didn't need them, and told one mutual friend of ours that "any friend of my enemy is also my enemy." Step-dad is a egotistical, control maniac who we don't see often due to his work schedule (overnights at EMSA, plus he doesn't attend extracurricular events), and therefore don't have to have much contact with.

Recently, I took the initiative to get my SS moved to a different school within the same district....better opportunities for gifted children and higher test scores by almost 20 points! When I emailed all parents (BM, Step-dad, and my husband) asking a question about how we should all handle the documentation that is sent home from his new school, and suggesting a more communicative relationship between the households, I received an email back from step-dad telling me that he, as the step-parent, was not involved in any parenting issues involving his SS, that those were the BM's department, and that personally, he "feels that there is something seriously wrong with anyone who does try to get so involved in the life of a child that isn't theirs. Awkward moment....eh?". He followed these statements with the command that I was to remove his information and to not contact him again for any reason!

My husband wrote a very civil and direct email back, cc: the BM and myself, stating that he expected the step-dad to be involved because he is a role model while his son is at his house and he IS a parent, whether he wants to be or not. The step-dad then wrote back to my husband saying, "I apologize if I wasn't clear in my initial email. i expect you to lose my contact information as well and for NEITHER of you to contact me."

On top of all of this...I am still trying to figure out how the new school situation will be handled! My husband has to be out of town on business during my SS's first week, and I would really like to meet them (BM and SS) at the school for his first day....to wish him well and take pictures (I'm an avid scrapbooker) but also to make sure that the new teacher actaully receives our information and is informed that we exist! (Last year, for the meet-the-teacher night, BM had my SS with her, and arrived 10 minutes early for our scheduled time...we showed up in time to hear her introducing herself and step-dad as, "This is Billy* and I'm Sally* and we're Tommy's* parents.")
*Changed names

I just am at a complete loss here. I am not an aggresive person, and in situations that pertain to my SS, my husband and I refuse to start fights or "egg-on" the other house hold. We will certainly defend our ideals and stand up for what we think is right for our son, but we don't "pick fights". They both hold an extreme amount of anger, not only towards us, but towards life in general, and we try very hard to keep them on an even keel for my SS's sake. I have obviously saved every communication between the BM and our house, and often keep a written record of situations...and these most recent emails will just be added to the stack.

I think more than anything, I am just searching for some validation and some guidance. My mother is actually my step-mother, which is such a great asset to have, but she is obviously very biased towards our situation. Is the step-dad right is some capacity...am I too involved? I don't have a child "of my own" yet, but have taken care of my SS since he was 4...and have loved him like "my own" since the first time we played power rangers together!

What is the right thing to do in this situation....

Thanks to all that have input...have a blessed night/week ahead!

Anon2009's picture

Does SS primarily live with you?

I do think you need to respect stepdad's wishes regarding communicating with him. I think you and DH need to let stepdad and SS figure out their own relationship. Stepdad might be feeling like DH is forcing this parent role upon him, whereas he (stepdad) might just want to have a more distant role. Maybe he's afraid SS will be forced upon him. Maybe he's not a "kid" person. I know a lot of stepparents feel, "we married our DHs, not their kids. We do not want to be forced on the kids, and we don't want them forced on us. Right now, we'll settle for finding a way to help us all peacefully coexist." Maybe he's thinking the same thing.

That being said, stepdad also needs to respect your relationship with SS and not make comments like he did. Children can never receive too much love. I think it's great that you love SS so much and want to do the right thing by him.

unbelieveable's picture

well...IF he is going to attend meet the parent night then he NEEDS to be involved. Hell, look at all of us...whether we like it or not we ALL take the time to be somewhat involved in our stepchildren's or future stepchildren's lives...Either way it always seems to be lose lose for us...

1. If we are involved...and we want to know what's going on with their everyday activities..plus we bathe, clothe, feed, and teach them - then we are accused of trying to "mother" or "father" or take over the kid's parent role...

2. If we step aside...and we are not involved and we go about with our lives on weekend stepkids are around...then we are accused of being evil and other choice words...

For most, there is NO happy medium. You seem to have it "okay"...

I have a question here...What about when stepson is at BM's? Where is the stepdad? is he NEVEr around? Does he have any interaction with stepson? What's the deal with this guy?

sixteensmom's picture

Your ss is lucky to have you! Stepdad isn't anything more than bms husband it seems. Well, if he doesn't want to help parent the child I guess you can't make him. I hope bm doesn't decide that's the way all step parents should act. Every family has their own way of handling this.

I think you're a sweetheart and stepdad is a jerk.

ddakan's picture

My DH is not involved in ANY of my bios activities nor does he take responsibility for them at any time. He will be friendly, hang out...or do something in an emergency but that is it. He isn't an asshole, he just feels like my kids have good parents and that he doesn't need to get involved because they are not his kids. He loves them to an extent because we spend holidays together, but he doesn't respond like you or I expect him to, that is just his personality.

On the other hand, I, as a SM will take over any responsibility with the 3 skids because I'm a mom. I don't blow off the skids because I can (although I wish I had). I help when I can and I have always cooked, washed, driven, shopped, cried with, talked to, helped, supported and entertained all of them. DH would not do that for me, but DH works full time to support me staying home.

I know you don't understand stepdad and bm, but just worry about your influence on the skid and allow them to be ridiculous. They are going to be ridiculous anyway, you might as well not fret over it. In time, the truth comes out. As SMs we are LONG SUFFERING and our REWARD WILL COME. (It will come won't it??? LOL)

I don't think BM is crazy for thinking that Obama is kind of F-ed up, but I don't tell my children that he needs to be shot! We have to respect authority, respect the office, and teach respect. The kid already knows she is "out there" as far as her thinking goes. He is smart enough to separate reality from BMs anti-reality.

As far as ghosts that live in the house that protect people....WTF, I would never sleep in that house again!!! LOL!!! This is why I insist on having a new, previously uninhabited house. LOL.

If she is trying to be supermom and make up for lost time, good for her. I hope she can keep herself stable, not get too much on her plate, and be reliable for the boy. Over activity can cause relapses, so be watching for when she crashes and burns. Try to have compassion for her. It's frustrating being mentally ill.

stepmom1712's picture

Thank you all for your input. It's so hard sometimes to try to see our situations from an unbiased point of view. I think it's just very difficult for me to understand step-parenting as a disengaged relationship...but I do see the point those of you make...each person must decide what works for them and hope for the best. Hopefully, all step-parents act, in the very least, as good role models for their skids.
Thanks again for listening.

MamaBecky's picture

As a SM you chose to be an active parent in your SS's life. I have made the same choice. That is what it is though...a choice. Your SS's SF also has the same choice and he has made it clear what his choice is. You should respect that. The only reason that you should feel that you are to involved is if the BF (your husband) or BM say so. I am lucky to have both of my SD's BM's and of course my DH on board with me as another parent added to the mix. They actually appreciate my contribution and my role in my SD's lives and I am truly lucky and blessed for that. Since you have been involved for 4 years I assume you may be lucky enough to have a similar situation. If that is the case then good for you and it is certainly not wrong. Be warned though that if SF has this view and continues to push it on BM she may change her tune...so be prepared for that.