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When is it ok to look through your husband's phone?

relationshipguru's picture

If you have caught him lying or hiding about something important in the past? Is it ok to have open access to one anothers phones? Ir is this always a no no. I have a friend who snooped through her husbands phone and found out that he was cheating on her. She had no idea and it turns out she was very glad she did so even though everyone told her it was wrong. Any opinions to add here?

GreenEyez's picture

DH and I also have each others passwords and he's pretty opened about when BM messages and the convos they have. 

I think that when it gets to the point that you have to sneak and check an SOs phone because of cheating, especially because of how SO will react, is a red flag that the relationship has some major trust problems and will likely fail if not addressed.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You turned me on to Chump Lady several years ago, and I found her website useful even though I wasn't married to a cheater. 

strugglingSM's picture

I especially like the distinction between privacy and secrecy. 

I have looked at DH's phone / internet history before when he's lied to me about things that impact our life (not cheating, but some out of control, unnecessary spending). 

I was clear that it was the lying that really bothered me...in fact, the lying and hiding bothered me much more than the spending. It did impact my trust in him and I told him that he had to get used to sharing everything with me until he rebuilt that trust. 

ndc's picture

I am one who thinks going through a spouse's phone is a breach of privacy.  Not just the spouse's privacy, but the privacy of those who communicate with the spouse.  My girlfriends text me and sometimes vent to me and pour out their hearts.  That stuff is not intended for my husband's eyes.  My girlfriends would be horrified to learn that my husband had seen their texts.  I would be quite angry if he went through my phone.  I have nothing to hide.  I'm not cheating, I'm not communicating with any exes, I'm not doing anything wrong or detrimental to our relationship.  But I have things I don't want or need to share with my husband, I'm a separate person from my husband and I don't think I gave up my privacy when I married him.  Bottom line - I don't want him going through my phone and if he did, he would see that he has no reason not to trust me, but I would no longer trust HIM.

For those who choose to have an open phone policy, that's great, and if you want to do that, I have no issue with it.  But I don't think it's ever OK to look through a spouse's phone without permission unless there is an emergency or other urgent need to do so.

 

ESMOD's picture

I agree with this.... I mean.. we all certainly wouldn't want our SO's going through our browser history to see what all of our posts to steptalk were about..lol?  

I guess I figure that if you think you "have" to check up on them?... then probably it's the wrong relationship.  you looking at their phone will not change their inclination or behavior.. just push those that are inclined to do bad things further underground so to speak.. be more evasive etc...

I think if you have a valid and strong reason to think they are being unfaithful then perhaps it's not unwarranted to contfront them and tell them you need to see their phone.. but that is always a risk that you damage the trust if there was nothing going on.

tog redux's picture

Me too, 100%

If he went through my phone he wouldn't be the least bit surprised by anything, but I still want privacy and the ability to carry on conversations that he's not privvy to.

I don't get the "open book" thing - if you trust someone, why do you need to snoop through their phone?

Steptotheright's picture

Not against it at all. You do what you gotta do. It does sort of sabotage friendships though because it makes you feel like someone is watching and judging everything that is going on, which makes the flow of friendship less natural. Same with conversations with family.

But I think if SO has given you cause to mistrust (previous infidelity ECT), then a phone search is certainly warranted.  I mean, you have to protect yourself amirite

What did SO do to make you suspicious?

lieutenant_dad's picture

I think three conditions have to be met before you look through your spouse's phone:

1.) You have to be willing to confess that you did it. If you don't feel safe confessing it, then the relationship is already toxic and unsalvageable.

2.) You're willing to act on the information found. Don't blindly go in looking and not have a plan if you find what you're looking for.

3.) Be willing to accept the consequences if you're wrong. These consequences could be going to counseling to discuss your trust issues or having your spouse leave you if they feel it's an invasion of privacy.

I personally think if you're at the point you need to look, that instead of looking, be willing to walk away from the relationship. Something isn't right in the relationship if you have to look without permission, so either talk through it to find a solution or bounce.

Missingme's picture

I slightly disagree.  I sometimes look at my spouse's texts simply to find out what's happening in the world, to include the world of SKs.  And he may not be intentionally not sharing with me because he's busy, but it's a way to learn what's happening without sounding like I'm quizzing him face to face.  As I told someone else, in the old days we knew much of what was happening, but now it's all in the quiet (and possibly secretive) world of texts and social media.  I believe both spouses should share access to all social media accounts and passwords and keep those passwords current with each other.  It's called accountability and full transparency.  And those two things help to save marriages, imo and in the opinions of many sane/honest experts on marriage and family issues.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

Why is it your responsibility to go looking through his phone versus him offering up information when asked without question? If you knew more back before texting and social media, then doesn't that mean your spouse actually communicated more with you? Doesn't that show more of an issue with your spouse's communication style and ability versus an issue with texting as a whole?

I get what you're saying that having open and honest communication and access to communication is important to healthy marriages. I don't disagree. What I disagree with is by how you get that information. Texting and social media are tools, not the problem. You still have to have a marriage where you feel secure not being privy to every conversation and thought your spouse has while also being able to express when you have discomfort or distrust based on their behaviors. If your spouse can't relay information and gets crabby being asked about information relayed to them that you need to know, then that's a problem that will permeate into other areas of your marriage.

People cheated before texting and social media. People also had private conversations that their spouses didn't know the nitty-gritty details about. Those two things will exist when we have brain implants that we used to telepathically communicate with one another. Open access to devices doesn't prevent a spouse who is planning to hide information or cheat from doing so. It just means they facilitate it some other way.

tog redux's picture

Yes, this. Why are people so fearful about what their spouse might do? The lack of trust is the real issue. 

Livingoutloud's picture

I think it's a bad idea to marry someone you are suspicious about. My DH does nothing that I am suspicious about or needs to hide anything. He shares with me. Seems like these poor women are married to secretive untrustworthy men who don't share so they need to snoop to find out what's going on and are married to men who aren't to be trusted. Why be married to such men? Snooping won't make them into better husbands. And if the issue us insecurity or jealousy, it should be addressed in therapy not by snooping 

Livingoutloud's picture

If my marriage needed saving by snooping, I'd rather be single and free. If marriage is in trouble, snooping isn't going to make it right again 

Crspyew's picture

If u are at the point u need to snoop through your partner's phone you've lost trust in them & the relationship. I am a separate person from my spouse.  I have my own thoughts, conversations & relationships.  I am hiding nothing from him.  I respect & trust him.  I don't want to see who he calls or texts unless he chooses to share with me.

and if someone wants to cheat they'll find a way.  U can get a burner phone, u can set up an email account, u can use your work phone or devices......soooo many ways.

tog redux's picture

Yes, this - I agree. People don't "become one" when they are married. They have every right to maintain privacy and separate lives.  It's about trust, not about "transparency". 

futurobrillante99's picture

I agree. I used to operate under the notion that I had some kind of control over what my partner/spouse was GOING to do. Nope.

If they are going to cheat, you can't stop them and if you're feeling like they might be, you need to stop and examine yourself and the relationship. If you've had jealousy issues from the beginning, it's either your own baggage or your partner was waving red flags from early on that you chose to ignore - time to take a good hard look. If there is a consistent feeling of insecurity or jealousy, chances are you either need some therapy or you're in the wrong relationship.

However, if you had a good relationship for a while and suddenly you are feeling jealous and insecure, trust your gut. Something is probably amiss and it's maybe time to do some checking for your own protection.

I've finally accepted that any partner I have is going to be out in the world meeting people all the time. If one day he meets someone he likes better than me, my only hope is that he'll have enough integrity to end things with me before starting up with someone else. But, I don't think I'll need to check his phone or anything else. I'll KNOW if things aren't right and I'll probably distance myself until it's brought to light.

Steptotheright's picture

I don't look through SO's phone.

But if SO is tearing the house apart looking for a phone, one that was left right by me when we were watching TV, and I point at it laying right beside me when asked, then SO asks suspiciously, "Were you going through my phone?"

I must admit, my interest is peaked at that point. Suspicion begets suspicion after all.

Steptotheright's picture

Haha. 

I said no because I wasn't. If I do still happen to go through SO's phone, and get caught (which I won't), I can just say well you made me suspicious by asking if I was going through your phone. You were suspicious first.

BethAnne's picture

My husband and I do have each others passcodes. We will frequently use which ever of our phone's is nearest if we want to google something or do something else on a phone.

He doesn't look at stuff on my phone but I do look at things on his on occassion. He knows I do this. I don't think he is super happy about it but he puts up with it. I do it because I am nosey and I have an urge to know exactly what is said in his texts (mainly the ones to BM) and he is not always super commuicative or informative and blurs the reality. 

A couple of times I have found things on his phone that did cause big arguments. We got through them. Sometimes I read the disgusting lies and accusations that BM makes and it makes me feel angry and bad such that I realize I probably shouldn't have read the words. 

It is probably not super healthy but we both deal with it and it is not a massive issue for us. Or perhaps he just puts up with it because the rest of our relationship is good or it is easier to just allow it than to make it an issue. 

Missingme's picture

Well said, and let's face it, most people are text communicating these days.  If you pick up your spouse's phone to know anything at all that's happening in his or her and others' lives, you may never know.  And not necessarily because they don't want you to know, but we don't always think to share with whom and what we're texting about all day.  In the old days, we heard everything that was going on because we used landline phones and spoke out loud.  Now everyone's in the dark.  Therefore, texts and anything else on one's social media should be accessible to each other at any time.  

tog redux's picture

But why do you need to know every word he says? If you trust him, then why can't he have private conversations?  I'd go mad if DH insisted he has the right to know every word I say to everyone about anything. 

Missingme's picture

Any darn time you want to look at it.  Married couples are supposed to be as one; therefore, his phone is also yours and vice versa.  All his and your passwords should also be shared and kept current.  Full transparency, or else!

thisgirlrighthere's picture

If you've noticed behavioural changes (keeping his phone on him at all time, waiting until you're out of the room to check his phone, keeping it on silent etc), then I see zero problem... why have the wool pulled over your eyes because you don't want to be "that person ". If I sense something is afoot, I want to know.... not sit around blindly until the rug is pulled out from under my feet. I have nothing to hide except stupid memes, so if my husband wants to go through my phone, have at it. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing 

Kes's picture

If partners want each other to have their passwords then fine - but otherwise it is never acceptable, in my opinion to look at another's phone.  It is a gross violation of privacy, same way as reading another's diary without permission.   If you don't trust your partner then confront them about it, don't go snooping dishonestly. 

Monkeysee's picture

I couldn’t care less if my DH looked at my phone, I’ve got nothing to hide. There are things on there I’d rather he not see, like texts between girlfriends & my steptalk account lol, but nothing I wouldn’t be honest about it he were to find it. He doesn’t have my password, nor do I have his, but we use one another’s phones for google etc when we need to. I’ve never gone through his phone, I don’t care to. If I ever felt like something was up I’d absolutely snoop, but I wouldn’t lie about it & I’d be willing to end the relationship if the warning bells turned out to be right. I don’t agree with snooping because a person is curious or insecure, but if you feel something’s up & want/need to gather evidence before leaving him/her, do what you need to. No judgement from me.

Justthesecondwife's picture

From my experience, most people are not snooping for no reason on their spouses phone. Keeping the confidence of a venting session from a friend or family member whose issues don't affect your lives is valid, and my comments don't relate to this aspect.

Privacy is very different from hiding things and keeping secrets. In private matters, the other spouse is not affected or has the potential to be affected. Secrecy is a different ball park. 

My DH and I have had several arguments about this topic in the past, which still come up from time to time. My DH likes to take the path of least resistance, in that he will let everyone (but me) treat him like a doormat and he, and we, cop the fallout. Simply due to his fear of talking about anything which may make him uncomfortable, or things he has chosen to do which breaks a promise to me.

I fully admit that I have snooped in DH's phone in the past. Not due to suspecting he was cheating (if I was at that point I'd be out), but because he neglects to inform me of the full story which inevitably causes trouble for him, I and our family. BM and his past financial, and boundary, choices with regard to her have been a big issue. As have his dealings with thieving SD and the repudation of his promise to me about getting our money back, and also giving consenquences.  

If I hadn't snooped DH would now be bankrupt (and may have taken me down with him) and I would be unaware of how not only let his theiving daughter off the hook (who stole our $20k wedding/honeymoon fund) but chased after her without so much as wanting an apology let alone giving a consequence. These things, and there have been many others, were most definately kept secret from me, and I don't accept that in a marriage. 

Anytime I have snooped if was due to specific suspicians, which have all proved to be correct. I have immediately told DH and asked him why he kept secrets from me, and we had the necessary discussions about the issues at hand. After some blow outs (he focused on the snooping and deflected from the findings), DH and I agreed to have an open phone policy. He stated he couldn't live without being trusted, and I stated that in order to trust him he must show he can be trusted by volunteering pertinent info. I think it is working for us now.

Snooping may be wrong in many peoples eyes, but being decieved by your spouse negates the snooping IMHO. I would never snoop for the sake of it, I believe that is wrong, and I hope I am never again in the situation where I feel DH is keeping vital info from me again. 

I have never heard from anyone who has snooped and found a betrayal that directy affects them, that they regret snooping. As another poster said, and a mantra I live by, if someone has nothing to hide, they hide nothing.

In the cases of posters who totally disapprove of snooping, I am happy you have the kind of relationship and trust that means there is never a case of your DH keping secrets, or not providing full info. My marriage is still a work in progress but I believe we are making good steps forward.

tog redux's picture

I guess I don't really understand why you would put up with so much secrecy on his part. His refusal to keep you updated on matters that affect you would be a big issue, and why should you have to check his phone for him to do that?  Why can't he act like an equal partner and keep you in the loop? To me, having to do that is like having to check your child's book bag because he lies about his homework.

I think the point is that for many of us, any NEED to check his phone is the problem, either because of infidelity or secrecy.  I want a partner, not a child I have to keep tabs on.

 

Justthesecondwife's picture

My DH's secrecy has caused problems in our relationship, major ones really. We have had to work through a lot of things to discover why he felt the need to keep secrets, and why I should be privy to information which affects me. It comes down in a lot of ways to our different personalities. I am open, honest and am perfectly willing to have difficult conversations or confrontations so a resolve can take place, or a plan for any potential fallout. I'm a planner, probably to the extreme, so I have a need for information in order for me to feel secure that I have organised provisions for what may come. 

DH, on the other hand, likes to "let it go", meaning he will completely ignore anything that anyone does or trouble which may befall us due to his past or recent choices, in order for a peaceful life. He is very big on foriveness, regardless of the situation. He has admitted to himself (which was important) and to me, that it stems from his fear of confrontation. I don't believe he forgives (just an excuse for not standing up for himself or dealing with his choices), he just ignores and makes it a problem for another day. And believe me, that day always comes and it creates a much bigger issue than if DH had just dealt with it in the first place.

This is where we clash, and why it has become, as you said Tog, a case of feeling like I have another child to keep tabs on. We have made progress, and DH is much more open about what is going on, which may affect us. I'm crossing my fingers he continues in his path of offering information rather than it being up to me to have to investigate in order to mitigate the problems. If he reverts back to hiding pertinent info from me, so he can again be lazy and not take responsibility/parent/keep promises then I will have to reconsider if this is a healthy relationship for me.

tog redux's picture

You have more patience than I do - I would not be able to excuse his behavior as some kind of misguided effort to keep the peace.  And I wouldn't put this much work into a marriage, either.  Either he can be a grown-up and a responsible partner, or he can't.

sandye21's picture

Don't know how long you've been married but after a while, the old "Forgot to tell you" gets old.  Also, if DH is conflict avoidant now, he will not be there for you when you really need the support.  When this first happens you feel a sense of betrayal but it gets swept under the old "fear of divorce' carpet.  But you will find as the years go by, each and every episode of betrayal stacks on top of the first one so that there is a BIG hill in the carpet you can no longer step over.  It's not about the phone.

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

For me and my bf, we have each other's passwords, we use each other's phones frequently based on whichever phone is closest or charged or whatever. Many probably wouldn't like this, but now since we have iPhones we have done the family sharing thing where you can see each other's locations. Has nothing to do with not trusting each other, but has to do with I lost my phone in an uber and because it just makes it easier when trying to plan logistics sometimes, or even sometimes I forget to tell my bf I made it safely to happy hour with my friends or something then hours go by and my bf is like are you still alive? Hahaha. I also feel like it can be a generation thing too. He's 27 and I am 25, versus couples that haven't had a cell phone most of their life, I can see them feeling differently about it

SCDad01's picture

I'm comletely against snooping..it only shows your insecurutiries.  But having said that, I'm really against it because you shouldn't have to.  You should be able to ask for your spouse's phone at anytime and they freely and immediately give it to you.  Same goes for email and social media.  You should know your spouse's passwords for Facebook, etc.  If they hestitate or refuse, they are hiding something.  If you can't have trust, you can't have a marraige.  

hereiam's picture

But if a couple has that trust in a marriage, why would a spouse even feel the need to ask for their phone or go into their FB or email? By that time, there must already be some issues.

SCDad01's picture

Some spouses are insecure.  Perhaps their first marriage ended due to an affair and they need reassurance in their 2nd marriage from time to time.  But I agree, the longer you are married, the more trust you should have built up and shouldn't have a need for ask for their phone/email.   Insecurity can kill a marriage too. 

tog redux's picture

Then they need to deal with their insecurity without treating their new spouse like they can't be trusted. 

tog redux's picture

Why would you ever feel the need to demand to instantly see everything? My marriage is not a police state. If DH has suspicions of me, I'd like him to be a grown-up and tell me so. Not demand my passwords and access to my information. 

readingandlearning's picture

I agree with this. If someone hides their phone, takes it to the restroom with them, turns it upside down, refuses to let you use their phone, deletes messages from their ex, etc. that is a huge red flag!

justmakingthebest's picture

DH and I have all of eachothers passwords. We don't keep secrets.

If I got to the point where I felt like I would need to snoop through his phone, I would probably already be filing for divorce. Right or wrong- whatever I found- If I have lost faith and respect in my spouse then why am I even married?

Winterglow's picture

If you need to snoop, you have already lost three of the mainstays of a good relationship - trust, communication and respect. Once they are gone there isn't much left to work with ...

markwvualum's picture

I look through my exes phone and found out she was having her ex over for dinner and lying about it. She was also very flirtatious with him in those texts. The reason I looked was because I caught her lying about something else earlier but did not confront her about it. Also her phone was recieving texts late at night while we were in bed together. The relationship was doomed from there but do I regret looking? Absolutely not. Do I think I made the right decison to do so? Absolutely. I found out she is a liar, had no issue lying to me whatsoever and at the very least was being inappropriate with her ex while we were together. Since we broke up I have found out many other things about her that she lied to me about. It saved me from years of being used, lied to, and taken advantage of by her. Also I would not consider it snooping. I consider it discovery. People reep what the sow.

Steptotheright's picture

Exactly instead of being played for years by a narcissist, discover the truth. That's the conundrum of the whole thing. yeah there's a moral overlay to it like you should trust them and all that but you also have to protect yourself. There's plenty of saps out there that have been trusting their SO and being played the whole time unbeknownst to them. Who REALLY wants to be blindsided with "I've been having an affair for 3 years," or something like that? I still think that if you've been given cause to suspect then you do have the right to know. Unless you have some example in your past of your instincts leading you wrong, then you should follow them.

tog redux's picture

The problem comes when you start to mistrust them and think they are hiding something from you. Once that feeling starts, most likely, you have relationship issues whether you look at their phone or not.  The need to look at someone's phone means there are trust problems in the relationship. If that's the issue, then that's what should be addressed. 

readingandlearning's picture

True but I think the previous posters comment was stating that if you are suspicious there is no one to confirm your suspicions other than to look and dig a little deeper. It is not like liar/cheater is going to be truthful with you when you ask them anyways. Plus you can't really end a relationship someone over suspicions solely.

sandye21's picture

If your DH can not be trusted it shows in all sorts of ways other than his phone.  If you start catching him in a lie or omission  this is a red flag.  There was some reason you felt the need to check out his phone.  Did you suspect he might be having an affair?  Privacy should be honored but secrecy should not be tolerated.

It's a 'gray area'.  Recently my DH was giving confusing messages about his financial situation.  When I finally got through his B.S. I found out he was overspending, taking money out of his savings that he really needed in case of an emergency.  This put an unreasonable and unfair burden on me.  I am doing what I have to so I am financially secure.  I am also examining my options.

Rags's picture

My DW has my PWs and I have hers. Though... I don't remember hers since I don't go into her accounts.  She has a PW book and uses a different PW for just about all of her accounts.  I  have the same one for all of mine.  

She worked for EDS early in her career and they required different passwords for each of their systems.  My DW has maintained that model.

For us it isn't about a lack of trust. It is about accessing various accounts and systems that one or the other of us use.

missginger's picture

The only time I looked at texts on my DH's phone was years ago when his ex was trying to get back with him. He jokingly said "You can read the texts yourself if you want to see how I respond to her" and handed me his. phone. He thought I wouldn't, but I said "ok",grabbed his phone and read them. He didnt know his phone was unlocked. Smile Had he not offered though, I woudlhave never looked at them.

Old sm's picture

I'd only do it with his permission and the same goes for my phone.  We don't go through each other's emails, cell phones, wallets, etc.  If I couldn't trust him, we wouldn't be married.

We're pretty dull Biggrin !!

Livingoutloud's picture

If we didn't trust each other, we wouldn't be married. Why marry someone who can't be trusted. We have each other passwords for emergency but we have neither desire nor time nor need to monitor each other or snoop. 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Go for it. If it makes you feel better, and less stressed, take it anytime. Take it everyday if you want. 

Eventually whatever issue you had will cure itself.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I think people are confusing "snooping" with "agreed upon open access".

If you and your spouse have a "mi cell phone es se cell phone" agreement, great! Then looking at their texts and social media isn't a problem for the two of you.

If you and your spouse have a "my cell phone is mine and your cell phone is yours" agreement, great! Then looking at their texts and social media without their knowledge is a problem.

Snooping occurs when you and your spouse have agreed, to whatever degree, that you won't look through each other's texts and social media. Having this arrangement isn't always for nefarious reasons. Most of the time, it's because the couple has the philosophy that their lives are a combination of "yours, mine, and ours" and that personal texts to friends, family, and work are for their eyes only. Sometimes that need for privacy comes from having someone previously abuse the "open phone" policy. Sometimes that need for privacy is due to the nature of their work where information needs to be protected.

Snooping isn't okay. It's a violation of trust with your partner. Even if your partner has done something untrustworthy, that doesn't make snooping okay. It's like cheating in retaliation for cheating. All you did was break the relationship more than it was already broken. It doesn't fix anything unless you're actually willing to act.

Additionally, having open access to cell phones doesn't make cheating impossible. Work computers and phones exist. Dummy apps that require passwords on phones exist. Random hookups during a night out with friends exists. If your reasoning for having open access is to prevent cheating (which was the premise of the OP), all you're doing is forcing your partner to cheat more discretely. It's a false sense of security IF you're only doing it to "prevent" cheating.

If you're the kind of person who wants open access on phones, then you need to date/marry someone who also wants that. If you date/marry someone who wants their cell phone to be private, all you're doing is setting your relationship up to fail if you think "oh, I'll just snoop instead". Because what happens when you find something that isn't cheating but was a white lie (they said they went to George's but actually ended up at Seth's as the night progressed because Seth had a pool)? Or you misconstrue a conversation with someone else? Or they have several texts with just a phone number whose a coworker that they haven't added to contacts yet (me, I'm the person who forgets to add folks to contacts)? Are you going to out yourself to your partner and tell them what you found? Are you prepared for them to not only be upset with you, but likely lock down their life further and not trust you? Or will you stew on it and further fuel whatever mistrust you had that was founded on a difference in principle that should have made you not compatible at all in the first place?

This is an issue of trust and communication. You don't have to have proof that your spouse is doing something wrong for the relationship to be wrong and needing to end. If you can't trust your spouse - justified or not - and your spouse won't willing work with you to quell the mistrust (and there are situations where they should just walk away and not work with an unreasonable partner who doesn't trust them), then your relationship is dead.

How much access you have to Facebook and your spouse's conversations with their Aunt Myrtle won't fix that issue because the issue isn't rooted in needed access. It's rooted in previous poor decisions by your spouse, or your own issues where you can't trust anyone you're in a relationship woth, or your own insecurities. Snooping isn't okay ever because if you have to stoop to it you're already in do-or-die mode in your relationship. Focus your energies on getting out or fixing it versus combing through their Apple Watch in their sleep.

MissJulsie's picture

I look through my husband's phone from time to time. And he knows the password to my phone. Years and years ago, he had a female friend who was trying to lure him into an affair. I found out through snooping and I hit the roof. I don't think he had any intention of cheating on me, but he did fall into the trap of hanging out with her, and being in regular contact with her, because she gave him non-stop validation and praise about the contentious issue of his revolting son. Some might say that was almost like an 'emotional affair'. Anyway, nothing like it has happened since. But I've always kept half an eye on his phone from time to ever after. These days, I will generally only snoop through his phone if there is talk of his son wanting to come and visit. I'm curious about what sorts of things his son has to say, now that SS is 16, and lives such an independent life, that he rarely, if ever sees DH these days. (Which is fabulous for me). For some reason, I'm like Captain Hook from Peter Pan, and SS is like the crocodile. I always get anxious when he starts getting nearer. 

Thumper's picture

When ISN'T it ok to look through your spouses phone.

I don't see the problem with doing it.  Some may argue privacy issue and everyone deserves their privacy. I counter that by saying your married and should be an open book. IF you want privacy for your phone go live by yourself. Poof,,,you have privacy.

My dh and I do not use the lock feature on our phones. It was never an agreement we made. It is Because it just doesn't matter to us. He knows everything about my friends, my family and vice versa.

Dh and I have been married just shy of 20years. Wow that is a long time, long before cell phones replaced Kitchen wall phones.

 

OP--you could check call/text/talk history on your cell bill,,,too, IF you need to. You should not have to be worried who he is texting or talking too.

I am sorry if you are concerned.

 

 

 

 

ladybug3's picture

When DH and I first got married he had this problem with needing to please everyone, from me to his manipulative family to BM. He had to make everyone happy. So that meant lying to me about fixing BM's car when I had repeatedly asked him not to help her with anything. I found her car key in his dresser because he forgot to give it back to her and I lost my sh*t on him. 

Ever since then I occasionally check their text message convos. I've forgiven DH for what he did but I will never forget it, and there's a part of me that wonders if he'll do it again. I don't know if it's okay to snoop or if I should just trust him (or not trust him and get divorced), but it puts my mind at ease and doesn't disrupt our marriage. 

Dogmom1321's picture

I don't go looking through DH phone. However, he does voluntarially share convos with BM. Usually when something is pissing him off, it goes like "ugh look at what she is saying now" More of him venting about the latest crazy shennanigans she is up to. When we first started dating, she begged him back. She had zero respect for our relationship. (Actually, still doesn't really). 

Since this was off on the wrong foot to start, DH has been completely transparent about whatever they talk about and makes sure to keep me in the loop. I really appreciate how he's always so forthcoming with it. 

SteppingOut_2020's picture

I wouldnt make a habit out of it just because, but if I suspect anything that my partner may be doing that I would have a problem with, then hell yes I'm going to look.  Unfortunately human beings were given the negative trait of lying to suit their own needs when we were built so you can't always trust someone, anyone to tell you the truth.  Yes there is something to be said that if there is ongoing distrust in a relationship then thats one thing, but just to check something out for yourself if you suspect something then I see nothing wrong with that.   Hell, you could be completely wrong in your assumptions and everything is ok!

I'm looking for a relationship in which there are no secrets between the two partners.  If one has nothing to hide, then they shouldnt hide it and Im a strong believer in that.  I would have had no problem with my ex looking through my phone if he wanted to and would welcome if it would ease his mind and I expect the same in return.

 

DPW's picture

You know, I was never a snoop. I remember my mother breaking trust by snooping and I always think back to that feeling. I also logically think that if you have to snoop, then there's probably nothing left to the relationship. 

HOWEVER

When your gut is telling you something's up, it's usually right and if the only way to prove it is to snoop through his phone, go for it. It's not like he's going to be all honest all of a sudden and tell you what he's doing. You have a right to know. I have done it in the past and I have been 100% right that there was something going on behind my back. And I'll do it again if I have to. I've been gaslighted enough in relationships that I'm going on my own gut going forward.