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When Bio Dad Chooses no relationship w/ Bio Kid

dareu2move's picture

Hi Everyone, 

I'm new here. I never thought I would post something like this, and it is hard. First off, let me apologize for the length - I know it's going to be a chapter book.

I've been with my husband for 11 years. We have two children together, 2 boys. He has a daughter, age 13, from a previous relationship. He also has a son that lives in a different province (I'm in Canada). We see his daughter semi-regularly (I will not get into much there, it's a WHOLE OTHER ball game!), but I have never met his son, who is now 18 years old. 

My husband's son is the result of a teenage pregnancy, followed by my husband becoming a very rebellious and angry teenager that resulted in selling drugs, being arrested, and moving out of the province. He's never really been involved in his son's life, with the exception of a small amount in the beginning. This all happened long before I met him, and while he has a difficult past, he has more then turned his life around. He's the hardest working and most selfless person I've ever known. He's super hands on as a father - I'm not even ashamed to admit that he is a better parent then I am. He's a wonderful, GOOD man. He's worked incredibly hard over the years to become well respected within his industry and literally worked himself to the bone after starting from nothing - all while coming home to clean the kitchen after dinner, do the laundry on weekends, and build bookshelves for my endlessly high stack of books that I collect. 

My issue is that he refuses to have any relationship with his son. He won't even try. 

A little more back story:

His ex (mother of son) sued us for child support in 2015 - long time coming, absolutely. We couldn't afford to pay it, never mind a lawyer, nor did we qualify for any legal aid - but we paid it. We found a way. (I absolutely agree that we should have been paying child support, hell yes, but I'm still bitter about the sacrifices we made and what our children went without in order to do so) - we diligently paid support until this week, when the support order was cancelled because his son is now 18 and no longer in school. His son has never reached out to us, but I have spoken to his mother. I have more of an affinity for the legal paperwork than my husband, so I was the one who dealt with most of the communication. I spoke on the phone with his son's mother and she's honestly lovely. She's had to be tough as nails as a single mother - and is now re-married with 3 children under the age of 4. She told me her oldest son, my husband's son, is exactly like his father. She told me she really hoped my husband would step up and be there as a father when she started asking for child support. I told her I agreed, that I had tried on my own, but he will not budge. He says he is not his father, he will just "damage" him, or there will be too much anger, that there is too much on our plates already without adding another kid into the mix. He and I have fought over it, and no matter what my argument is, he will. not. budge. 

I usually leave it alone for a while and then bring it up later on, but lately I've just been trying really hard to respect his decision and I just do what I can to convince myself that at least he has a solid mom in his life (which is less than what my husband had when he was going through so much at the same age!). But it eats at me. The reason why I felt inclinced to post this, is because tonight I went to use our computer (that we both share) and my husband left his email logged in - no big deal, we don't have things to hide from each other, and this email he left open is not one he uses often, mostly it is for emailing family pictures of kids. There was an email from 2017 (I didn't have to look hard, not that I was trying  - swear! - but it was there) from his son's mother begging him for advice because she was going through a separation and their son was having a difficult time. At the time he was only 16 and wanting to move out, and she didn't know what to do. My husband never responded to the email. He didn't tell me about it, either. Should that bother me? I can't tell if it does. The only thing I can think of as to why he wouldn't respond is that at the time our oldest son was recovering from a very serious illness and we were very terrified and overwhelmed parents. I feel like that's making an excuse for him, but it is what was happening in our lives at the time. 

I'd also like to add - and try to stay as non-bitter as possible while I say this - I have been the sole reason my husband has a relationship with his daughter as well. I've pushed him to fight for her every other weekend, and while I know being a stepmom is such a thankless job sometimes, I just wonder what would happen to our own children that he is such a wonderful father to if something were to happen and we break up? Would he just disappear from their lives? What is so different about them? It breaks my heart that I have to fight for my husband to have these relationships, one of which he downright refuses. I've tried talking to him about his guilt from when he was a "bad teen" - I am convinced that is what that is, as my husband does suffer from self-esteem issues, and I've tried until i'm blue in the face to get him to talk to a therapist - ANYONE - about his past and make sure he's coping properly, but he just won't. 

I'm frustrated, really bitter, and heartbroken. My husband is such an incredible father to our two boys, and such a wonderful and caring husband, I just don't understand. Any insight would be so appreciated. 

(Again, sorry this is so long!)

Rags's picture

This is sad. No child should have to experience what this young man has suffered.

My SS-26's BioDad had little to do with him for the 16+ years we lived under a CO.  He saw his BioDad about 3-5 days out of 7wks of visitation per year.  Eventually my son learned to give his non involved BioDad the value that BioDad earned in his life.

Once he turned 18 and aged out from under the CO his BioPaternal clan made no effort to contact him until he had enlisted in the USAF. At that time they only contacted him to attempt to guilt him into sending money to help support his three younger also out of wedlock half sibs by two other baby mamas.

His mom and I did what we could to mitigate the toxic actions of his BioDad and that part of his family while supporting his COd visitation. As much of it as they would take. 

Only your DH can make the decision to be a father to his eldest son.  I hope that he makes a better decision.

I hope that  your efforts to make that happen are successful.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

The reality is that you need to accept your H's choices regarding his eldest child. You can agree to disagree and leave it at that.

While this is unfortunate, you have no idea what demons this man has grappled with to become the "wonderful, GOOD man" he is. Be grateful for the life you share today, and stop trying to control him.

tog redux's picture

I think it's his decision and you need to let him make it (should have let him made it about the other kid, too).  It may be hard for you to imagine having a child you have nothing to do with, but often, for men, feelings about children are not the same - especially ones they've never seen or met.  They don't carry the child for 9 months and develop that same bond during that time that women do, their bond comes after the child is born.

Just let this go, and for god's sake, stop discussing it with the kid's mother, that feels really disrespectful to me. 

Edit: just read it again.  Why do you feel bitter about this? It’s not something he’s doing to YOU. Perhaps a therapist could help you sort this out, since it has to be affecting you and your marriage.

 

Sandybeaches's picture

I agree with the other comments.  While it is a sad situation and I commend your efforts for trying to fix it some things just aren't ours to fix.  Unless your husband has told you why he feels that he doesn't want a relationship with his son then no one but him knows why he feels as he does.  

Forcing him to have a relationship with this young man wouldn't be good or work for either one of them.  Another point to think about is maybe after all of this time this young man wouldn't want to develop a relationship with his father.  These are all things that seem to be unclear.  
I also agree that I would not continue a relationship with the mothers of these children once they have reached the age of 18.  While I certainly would not make an enemy out of them and would leave an open line of communication should it ever deem necessary I would move on from it and decide that it is something your husband needs to decide for himself.

With all said I might have a conversation with your husband pertaining to your own children and your concerns about that.  I might even mention both situations with his other children and see if you can get some type of information about his feelings on this and get some closure on this situation for yourself. 

I don't think I noticed how long was he with the daughters mother?  Is he close to his daughter at all when she is around? 

susanm's picture

There is nothing you can do about his older children.  Continuing to bash him about it is not going to change him.  He has made up his mind for reasons of his own and by continuing to pick at him and communicate with the mother of this now adult son you are telling our husband that he is a bad person.  Maybe he is but that is not what he needs to hear from his wife on a regular basis.

As far as what would happen to your own children should you break up, don't buy trouble.  Asking him would be a giant mistake.  How exactly would you phrase that?  "Gee, honey, you were an unreliable turd before.  Would you abandon our children the same way because I don't fully trust that you have changed despite the passage of all these years?"  It seems to me that would make finding out the answer a little more likely!  

It is not your job to make him a better person and right his past wrongs.  People have pasts.  You knew what his was so stop punishing him over it.  It is his past and his guilt to deal with.

Alien's picture

 

Just let it be. If he is such a great husband/dad why are you so concern about other children? Enjoy your happiness. 

Be careful what you wish for. What if his other kids will suddenly come and want to live with you. Or need something. Or causing you big problems. Are you ready to let your own kids to go without again just so you feel better about the other kids not even your husband?

Focused_onourlife's picture

Yes,  leave it alone.  My DH was more involved with my SD's but when we moved out of state their relationship became more distant and at first, I was where you are now without the BM interactions and it started causing issues between DH and I.  He's a great father to our BK's as well. All he heard from me was 'he was a bad father' when I will discuss his short comings of his involvement with my SD's. 

Trust me, your DH has his reasons for his relationships or lack of, with his older BK's. While you may think you are trying to help you're not, it's not your problem to fix and it will backfire if you stay involved.  My in law's, SD's and one BM thought it was my responsibility to facilitate their relationship and like I said I did try for years (whether they saw it and they did or not) but they made me their scapegoat and started accusing me (behind my back but it got back to us) of alienating my DH from his family but they did that. 

If your reasons are because of how you think others will perceive you then they are not worth the time of day in your life. Focus on your family and leave your DH to his own devices with his other kids.

Harry's picture

To have any relationship with his BF or you.  Has to hate his BF for doing what he did.  Agreed do not let this kid ever move in with you ever, or with out a lot of professional help 

still learning's picture

I'm one of those kids whose father had no interest in having a relationship until much later in my life. We really didn't connect on a deeper level until I was in my 30's. He passed away a few ago and I'm at peace with the way things worked out. I'd leave it alone. Your husband or the kid may choose to pursue a relationship in the future, you can be supportive then.  As others have said, this isn't your problem to fix and honestly it's not a problem it's just an "is." 

hereiam's picture

When Bio Dad Chooses no relationship w/ Bio Kid

That is his choice, let it go.

beebeel's picture

Men aren't the only ones who do this. When women/girls have a baby but they aren't interested in being a parent, they give the baby up for adoption. This act is generally seen as "selfless" and something to be praised. Many women who gave babies up want nothing to do with the child, but go on to have more kids they keep and raise. Men/teen boys don't have the adoption option and are called deadbeats if they choose not to be involved.

Stop. Just stop. Your DH essentially gave a baby up for adoption when he was a teenager. NO ONE would be up a woman's ass to be involved with a kid she gave up.

Sandybeaches's picture

Wow I never thought of that!  That is so true and I am really surprised at myself that I didn't see it from that point of view.  That is an excellent comment and thought.  

A young man should have the same choice to give a child up as a young woman does.  Such a good point!!  

Men are also much quieter and less vocal than women.  It could be that it really bothers him and that is why he doesn't want to talk about it or be reminded.  There could be a lot more to the relationship he had with the mother too and he may just want to move past it.   He did contribute and give support when he was asked to.  

DoberGirl's picture

Beebeel makes an excellent point. My own father has never been interested in me or my older sister. Honestly, I think it would have been better for him to walk away and never see us than to be so rarely involved in or lives. I'm not over-exagerating when I say that my father cannot tell you the most basic facts about me - not even my age. Seriously. But enough about me. There's clearly a variable that your DH doesn't want to share. Maybe he feels its too late and he doesn't deserve to be a father figure after choosing to leave. Maybe there's something between him and the BM he doesn't want to deal with. Whatever the reason, he's made his choice. Let it be. Maybe the rest of the story will unfold in time.