What's in it for me?
Over the past 6 years ive dealt with so much hell, and ive begged dh for help. If its not for my step daughters claiming im mean to them, then its dh not making a wage to help contribute and move forward/lack of motivation to improve himself, or his inability to defend me against bm and fil and always making me into evil stepmom. List goes on...
Its a constant battle where i feel like... Ok in May we want to try to have a baby of our own, but at times i think what is in it for me? Soon i will be making even more money then he is, yet he and his ex and daughters make me miserable. Ive asked him to change, to control them, to help. Ive threatened to leave and that helps for a short time.
Is it because i am just not worth being his best self for? Why wouldnt you want to do everything you could to make your spouse happy and comforted? Ive never put dh in a bad spot with my ex. And i handle all issues with my son immediately. It just seems easy when u love someone.
Does there have to be a benefit for both parties for it to work? Like sex, money, babysitting, love, etc?
What if you just have that love for them that has grown but everything else seems pointless, like you are beating a dead horse.
OMG!!! Stop threatening to
OMG!!! Stop threatening to leave and do
It! Your boyfriend knows you don't mean it and is treating you
Like something he can dispose of,. He knows you
Don't mean it. Wizen up! You can't change him but you can change how you react and handle the shit he is dishing out! Stop being a door mat and soooooo In love with him! He dosent give a flying fuck as he is getting all his needs met. Stop rewarding his bad in attentive behavior.
Get smart girlfriend!!
I second that you don't have
I second that you don't have a baby with him. Sounds to me like you deserve better.
Why do you even want to have
Why do you even want to have a child with a man you say makes you miserable?
You can't make him be the man you want him to be. Some people are perfectly happy with a modest salary and living a simple life. As long as he's able to meet his expenses each month, then then there's nothing wrong with his salary.
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Why would you bring a baby
Why would you bring a baby into that situation? Or even consider doing so? He wants you to take care of him with no contribution on his part--you'll have more on your plate, more resentment, less money... Sorry to say I wouldn't keep his sorry butt around.
Thank you for your comments!
Thank you for your comments! Do you guys recommend anything else i can do? I want to say i did everything and gave him full opportunity to change even tho ive been crying over each thing and giving him opportunity to make it right, maybe if i give him a date to work toward to get a b and c completed then we can move forward? I dont know.
I hate to split another family up. Our kids love each other. His girls have been through another divorce at their moms and shes about to get married again after a year so she will be divorced again soon.
I like to fix things that are broken. He is a good guy and i know he would never hurt me intentionally. But hes not very thoughtful in relationships and lacks motivation. Hes 40, a dept manager at a store and worried he should be farther along at his age.
Im not trying to sound like all i care about is money but we are stuck in this little apartment with 3 kids, while everyone i know has a house and is able to get by. We spend a little more than we make little by little and it is adding up to a lot now. Im frugal, not liking this. Im stressed.
Im just wondering how much he can possibly respect me if he can watch me hyperventilate and cry, then end up doing nothing about it past the first couple days. Memory problems? Ugh..
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would start working on
I would start working on respecting yourself - that is all you can control anyway. Find friends to spend time with, take care of yourself, and if you feel guilty doing that - DO IT ANYWAY. Guilt won't kill ya. He is who he is, and probably won't change, so what you will end up having to do is accept that reality. Then once you SEE the reality, you can decide if it's something you can live with for the rest of your life, or no. You can't change other people - it doesn't work, doesn't work, doesn't work. Good luck!
Just wanted to point out,
Just wanted to point out, this situation is equally sucky for both genders and believe it or not, if you were a male with a female you would probably be in even worse shape...
But to comment on the situation, I agree that you should just leave.
Whats the point of sticking around?
It WILL eventually end up the same either way so you might as well just do it now, and free yourself!
It sucks dealing with others kids and the situation only breeds contempt and resentfulness.
What i have found is that the step is full of life, peace, and patience.
But after years of let down, years of disrespect, years of down right disloyalty and never really being part of the family.......This is when you really start breaking and just breathe a sigh of relief when you just get some alone time so you can feel normal....like it was before you met them.
If you are having problems now........O it will be hell later.
Right now you are in purgatory, and you have a chance to crawl from that death tunnel toward the light........Go
I know you guys are right
I know you guys are right LOL. Ive given advice on here and other forums and its pretty damn good advice i cant seem to take myself.
It is just so hard to imagine doing this again. Starting over for a 2nd time...
I should probably mention his
I should probably mention his mom died in feb... But these issues were here before. Now just really going nowhere
I've lost both my mother and
I've lost both my mother and my father. I miss them both but it has never been an excuse for me to stop being a productive, responsible person.
Leopards do not change their
Leopards do not change their spots... and they make little leopards who also will not change their spots.
Why do you remain in this situation that from direct experience you know will not change? An even more critical question is why do you want to pollute your gene pool with the shallow and polluted contribution of this man? He is not a viable adult, is a crappy parent, a crappy partner, and will by all indications be a crappy parent to your own child.
Move on, save yourself, protect your own gene pool from contamination, and find a partner of character and quality to make a life and have children with. Just my personal opinion of course..... and I am of the male persuasion of our species.
Take care of yourself.
Good luck.
So why do you want to
So why do you want to procreate with this man? Do you think having his baby will magically transform him into a protective husband and Father of the Year?
I just dont want to be a part
I just dont want to be a part of the statistic. And id rather not be one of those women thats been married 3 times. 2 is enough. If possible i want to change it, i just dont know how to get him to see the bigger picture.
Guess we have to go back to counseling.
The real or imagined stigma
The real or imagined stigma you would feel about a second divorce and third marriage is important to you now. Been there. You just have to get over it, what other ppl think, and move on to a better life. Even alone forever sounds better than this situation. Please at the very least do not have a child with him and increase ur stress. Three marriages per person was the national average years ago. I'm sure the statistic hasn't improved. You are far from alone in this. I imagine ppl think better of me for getting out no matter how many times married.
You make more money than him,
You make more money than him, leave his ass! Do you realize how on top right now you are. To have the benefit to be in charge. He should be eating the crumbs off your feet. Lol
I think the comments of
I think the comments of "whats in it for me" is in relation to this.
In a relationship, there is give and take...common stuff here.
But when having SKs and this whole mess, it starts to look very unclear what it is that makes that person and inheriting responsibilities that would not be in a "normal" relationship, what exactly out of the situation does one receive?
She, or anyone else that may feel like this should not feel guilty because of this.
While granted its not up to anyone else to make someone happy, I feel this statement really is insignificant to the discussion because thats not what is being observed.
Its all the extra nonsense inherited, with little gain in either Love, attention, money, spiritual growth,....whatever floats the boat that doesnt equal out.
I understand the "what's in
I understand the "what's in it for me?" question. I ask myself that all the time. I have less money and more stress now that I'm married. There are days or weeks where I love my DH and feel like we have a good marriage but about half the time I feel like I'm in a drama tornado and very unhappy. Why be married in this type of situation??? My DH won't tell me I'm pretty or do any romantic stuff. He just doesn't believe in it. So I don't get warm fuzzies. I have much less money now. I moved to a different country and uprooted my kids. I've sacrificed and sacrificed and sometimes I ask why???
I don't have any answers for the OP other than to say I understand and sympathize. If it didn't mean I would have to make my kids switch schools yet again and delay my son's high school graduation, I think I would have called it quits by now.