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What is your role as stepparent?

GodHelpME's picture

Ok, so I think I've been experiencing a lot of frustration lately because I don't quite know what my role is as a step parent. I want to know how you all in step talk land view your role. Are you a bonus parent, a friend, an advocate, a cheerleader or just the spouse of the kids parent? (or another role if it suits your situation better).

Thanks in advance!

:?

dispiritedstepmom2011's picture

sd calls me by my first name and refers to me as stepmom when speaking to people. this is when she has no problem with me. lol, when she does have a problem, i am known as fat psycho bitch or pigbitch. says so in her phone too. i lol about it cause all she's been doing is eating and sitting online so my prediction is in a couple years she will be 200+ lbs, pimply face, and stinky Blum 3 while MYSELF will be thinner and fit and as usual, beautiful Smile (have lost 30+ lbs in the last year---not much i know but its still progress)

liks's picture

who cares about that horror head...you go girl....lots of weight loss - she must be so jealous@!!!! well done

dispiritedstepmom2011's picture

thank u Smile and yes she is jealous! she makes comments alot and i just brush them off cause its like 'wtfe lil girl keep eating and eating'

liks's picture

Im just a bitch who married the father and has changed his life for the better....

Im the person they [skids] can blame for their bad grades, underachieving, not having a good time, etc etc...

I view myself as the person who stands by my husband thru thick n thin and if the brats dont like me...then thats their issue...not mine....they chose to live with their mother and refuse to have anything to do with us - their father included....GOOD!

I was told once...that if my husband believes that Im ok to marry then he feels that Im ok to bring up his kids....and if they dont like it....its their problem and I was not to let it worry us....that their issue with the new wife would have been instigated by the old ex wife stirring them up....

That being said, most normal children will understand deep down that their fathers new wife is going to benefit their upbringing and assist them to have a normal life rather than being brought up by a single parent who is miserable and lonely....

other kids may just be totally jealous of the new spouse with their parent and cause trouble several times a day for years....

BSgoinon's picture

I am the primary caretaker. I am a parent to the full extent. I discipline, praise, love, punish... help with homework, mend booboo's, make Dr's appts. Advise, love, hug and enjoy every minute of it.

And SS does not fight it. He considers me a parent. BM doesn't "like" it but she tolerates it because she knows it is best for SS. Since she sucks at parenting anyways.

buterfly_2011's picture

Mine varies per child. I have 4 skids. The SD17 I may as well be dead to. However the SS3 enjoys me and we are bonding. SS11 and SS13 and I get along great BUT SS11 has a hard time doing anything I ask. He basically treats me good other then listening when it comes to anything of importance. SS13 is my saving grace where his kids are concerned. He sticks up for. Goes to bat for me with SD17 and calls things out as he sees them. Every skid is different. I have taken myself out of the equation regarding SD17. And she has decided she hates me so much she wants little to no contact with her father. And if she does come visit she will only see him. So he goes to pick her up for a few hours and they do what ever it is they do. I nor my son or his boys go. And frankly with her shitty attitude it's best that way. The boys were getting sick of her ruining every visit.
I think it's best to keep the distance. It's the only safe way to play it. Unless you have a DH who backs your every move you will not get very far with his Skids.

Anywho78's picture

For SD's 16 & 14 I'm "THAT WOMAN" or "Your 'wife'" when talking to my SO...they never visit, so it's no biggie. They will however randomly text me asking me to dye their hair to which I respond "When you come visit your dad, I'd love to."

For SS9 & SD8, I cook, clean, do laundry, help with homework, work with teachers, discipline, give them rides...basically, I am part 2 of a 2 part parenting team consisting of SO & myself. Their BM lives a few states away & only contacts the SKids if she's bored.

Anywho78's picture

LOL I wish I could...even though they use me as an excuse NOT to visit, I'm certainly not going to BE a reason...I know they won't visit so my "offer" is more of a jab than anything.

Auberry2's picture

I'm not sure yet. To SS5 I believe I am kind of inbetween being a babysitter and a aunt who disciplines. (Not really a fun Aunt, the one who tells you to stand up straight and mind your manners) I am allowed to discipline, my FDH is working on becoming a coparenting team, but I don't believe I am anywhere near being seen as a parental unit yet. As a stepkid myself I understand the complexity of this relationship a little, so I am patient with the progress of it. I can vividly remember when my step mother was "That Woman" and "My father's wife" not counting the more colorful monikers I gave her when I was upset with her. My sister and I were both "Ungrateful spoiled brats" "Hateful little witches" etc as far as she was concerned. But, through the years we have all grown up a lot and things are pretty good, I would call us friends now. But it took YEARS of adjusting, and strife, and ugliness, and forgiveness before we reached where we are now. The hurt was caused by both sides, and both sides had to man up and let it go.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Me and SO together got this year a wonderful Easter Card, with Daddy AND Oncechoosetosmile on it!! I thought that was great- normally she would only draw or do things for us seperately.So I suppose I am now an accepted attachment to her dad.I hope I will always continue be her friend, but reading here I can see that it is sometimes really difficult.We are now better then we were thanks to SO who is supportive of me and our rs.But if it changes again and SD gets back to being a brat I want to be prepared and not too disappointed.I am very careful in how much emotions I want to invest into the rs with SD and me in case she turns back into that challenging mini-wife-child that gave me such a hard time.Right now she is really sweet and I almost enjoy her company, but I am a bit scared of a set back.So I suppose I do let go of my fears , but only very very slowly.

christag's picture

My skids don't even see me as their dad's wife. I'm the evil woman who stole their dad. Now they ignore me and pretend I'm invisible. They don't acknowledge that I exist and they have no contact with me.

GodHelpME's picture

Lol I just love love love your quote! Friends don't let friends become stepparents!

HadEnoughx5's picture

I see myself as "his wife" the Psycho Bitch uses me as the "scapegoat". BM has the skids see me as "her".

I think what keeps me emotionally balanced is that I'm focused on being his wife.

OptimisticMe's picture

My role used to be the one and only "Mom" (SD's BM abandoned her). I was "Mom" and treated SD as my own for 7 years. My husband was deployed to Japan and Iraq...I raised his daughter. He was gone for 2 years of additional military training...I raised his daughter and never thought twice about it...I was her "Mom" after all.

Now SD is 12. She is verbally and physically abusive to my toddlers...so we sent her to live with her mom as a last resort. After 3.5 weeks, her mom sent her back, moved and disconnected her phone. SD says she resents me because I was "Mom" all these years.

So, now I am Step-mom. I don't punish her, I don't set rules, I don't drive her anywhere...I don't do anything for or with her. She is better with our toddlers but still not great. I wish I could take back the 7 years of my life I spent mothering her and instead go to bars and party with my friends...I married at 19 and never got that because I had a daughter to watch that wasn't even mine. I feel like she stole part of my life. I was nothing but good to her and she didn't appreciate any of it. Instead she blamed her mom being gone on me...although now that is pretty clear that it was her real mom that just didn't want her...I at least hope!

After 7 years, I realized being "Mom" didn't work...so now I am just Dad's wife.

OptimisticMe's picture

I hope it is a phase but I doubt it is. I think in my case, SD now feels "big enough" to confront me. I think she hates me. I think she hopes I die. That is what I gave up my youth for...a kid that has no mother and prefers the one mothering her (myself) were dead!

It is going to kill me to see her out partying with her friends at 19...I gave that up for the deceitful little brat.

Today is a BAD day for me, I should probably tie my fingers up so they can't post Wink

asheeha's picture

i am my husband's wife first and foremost. but i am friend, mentor, aunt, teacher, babysitter to my skids. i treat them as family, i treat them as someone with authority but i never challenge their bio parent's authority in their presence.

fruststepmama's picture

Dad's wife, and SS's coolest babysitter. No matter how cute the skids are, i find it useful to keep this detached perspective. Think of caring for the stepkids as doing favors for DH, because then when you get annoyed (and you will), it's just like being sick of doing favors and not a comment on yourself as a human being. My SS and I have a great relationship and love each other a ton, but I'm always #3 (behind his BM and BD.) If i thought of myself as a full partner in parenting, I would feel crappy all the time when SS shows his preferences, which is natural.