What would you do in my position?
For all of you who have been following my blog posts, what would you do about all the items of the child who is now not legally bound to my bf anymore? Two nights ago he took down two photos that are next to our bed that i had put up that has the other child in it. He said it makes him upset and it will make this all harder so he does not want any photos of her up. Unless he put the photo away that was on top of the microwave and the one in a frame in the kids' room, there are at least two around of her. Then that puts in question of all the photos on my phone with her in it and all her personal things besides her clothes because we are going to keep those for the younger child.
Part of me wants to tomorrow when he is gone picking up the younger child and I am at the apartment to put those two photos and the few drawings of hers away in a box and maybe take all the pictures off my phone and put them on a thumb drive and in the box as well for if he ever does want to look at them? Then see if he brings up the other items that were exclusively hers or a double because both children got one, for example this mermaid tail snuggies I bought them for Christmas last year. Or since it is not like the child was his and she died, do I just throw it all away and delete it all so we can move on?
I really do not know what is the best avenue. Perhaps I do nothing until he says something about it all? Really kind of lost here.
Do not throw away and delete.
Do not throw away and delete. He is probably not sure how he wants to move forward or even how to grieve about this, yet.
Box up the stuff, do the thumb drive, and just be there for him. He will let you know, eventually, what he wants to do with it all.
Yeah that is a good idea
only reason I brought up throwing away is because he threw those two photos away, but I think the boxing up is a good one so when he is ready he can figure it out for himself
He may have done it in an
He may have done it in an emotional moment and may regret it later. Better that it's just those two photos than everything.
Yes I agree
and I have copies of those photos on my phone so I was not worried about it, but the other ones I do not have any copies of so if they go, they are gone forever
I would not touch anything of
I would not touch anything of hers right at this moment. You do not want to be percieved as the one wiping the home clean of any trace of her. It may hurt him to see some of these things.. but in the grieving process.. he is the one that needs to go through it and he should decide when it's time to pack it all away.
As far as the pictures you have.. I might store them.. maybe also print copies and put them where you keep some important papers.
As far as a lot of her "belongings". There are a few ways to approach this.
Sure.. you can pack them away and keep them.
You could also pack them up and give them to BM for the girl to use...because these things were really gifts to the little girl and if she has toys and special things they might be some comfort to her while her life is going through so much.
The third situation is not one that you have considered.. but don't think it's out of the realm of possibility for BM to STILL expect your husband to spend time with her and even take her when he is taking his daughter... she, in fact, may hold it out that she can't send the younger because it upsets the girls too much to be apart. Your DH may even be inclined to WANT to take the older girl.. I'm sure that despite the fact that she is not his biologically.. she has been HIS in his HEART for years.. don't expect that feeling to evaporate in an instant just because he knows the result of a test.
I wouldn't count on being 'rid" of the older girl by any means... even if your DH is making "resigned" going through the motions.. he is clearly devastated at losing her.
The photos were a question because
of the fact he specifically told me the day after court he did not want any photos of her up anywhere and he threw the two away. Those two photos however are ones I have on my phone so I wasn't worried about it, but the other ones I do not have any copies of and I did not want him to throw those away too and regret it because we cannot retrieve those again.
The giving them to BM is not really a bad idea because it is not about BM in this case but about the child. So I would totally be up for considering that and I am sure my bf might too.
I am in no way trying to attack you, but PLEASE stop commenting on my post about being in the child's life. I am sure BM will want him to take the older child, but he is going to refuse, he will never take her again. If she does not send the younger child as is in the temporary court order well then she is just screwing herself up because then she will be in contempt. BM is crazy, even if my bf wanted to take her, he thinks that BM would probably call the police on him and claim kidnapping. I am sorry it is hard for you to accept but he DOES NOT want to take the older child, he does not want to see her, he wants to move on and put this all behind him. He has known for 1.5 years the child is not his, he has brought it up on his own several times he is getting her name that is tattooed on his arm covered up, and even after court he said how mad he was that he is being treated as the bad guy and the one who messed up when BM gave birth to a child that is not his and not wanting to be responsible for her mistake. It is the first time he has really sat there and said she is not mine and I shouldn't have to be responsible for a child that is not mine.
I'm sorry but my bf is not the bad guy in wanting to clean the slate of her, yes it is devastating and it is sad, but we have been working on accepting this for months and it is not his responsibility to take on this child for the next 14 years especially not now that he has zero rights to her.
I just had to say something because on my blogs you have been pushing for him to take her on still, pay CS for her, etc. and there is nothing wrong with him not wanting him to. Hell, I do not want him to either, but it is all his decision and then me supporting it, this is what he wants and he isn't a bad guy for wanting that.
I am sorry you misunderstood
I am sorry you misunderstood what I was saying. I am not saying he should take her.
What I was saying is based on "your writings".. it appears that he has a bond/connection with the girl and I am not sure that while he may be "saying" he won't get her any more.. that he may end up waffling on that.... especially if the BM tries to package the girls together.
So.. I am saying that despite what your husband is saying with his mouth.. his heart may be in a somewhat different place.. he appears to be "mourning" this child to an extent.. but she isn't dead.. and she is connected to his daughter.. so I wouldn't be surprised if there is a part of him that wants to remain in her life.. despite what his mouth is telling your.
So.. again.. to be clear.. I do not believe he has any obligation to that child.. it's not his.. but I'm not convinced that she is going to end up as gone as you think due to actions of the BM and underlying emotions of your DH... which would be absolutely understandable given his history with her acting as her father for so long.
so again.. it's not what he SHOULD do.. but it may happen because of various factors above.
I would save the photos and
I would save the photos and other mementos, as you suggested, and give any belongings of hers to BM.
I, for one, think he is doing the right thing to stop seeing her. It makes no sense for him to allow BM to use her as a pawn, and to put himself through loving and caring for a kid that isn't his, and who BM has already started to alienate from him, and who is already developing some mental health issues. No good can come from it, it would be better for her to have a clean break while she's relatively young.
Well besides clothing
we will be saving those for the younger sister, I would be willing for other personal items to BM.
Thank you for saying that. I sometimes feel guilty about being like hell no it's over and it's not our responsibility, but it is the truth. There is literally no good that can come from continuing to have the child in our lives, sad, but true. Again it is all BM's mess, we can't let feeling bad/sorry for the child and for what happened to my bf guilt us into being involved, all it would do is cause more emotional damage to everyone involved.
I know of a real life
I know of a real life situation like this that happened many years ago. The son of A friend of my mother was married with a 4 year old daughter.
Out of the blue his wife told him that she was divorcing him to marry her boss. During the divorce proceedings she requested full custody as her boss was the bio father. He was devastated on so many levels.
He could have requested continued custody and received it - but after long deliberations he decided what was best for the child was for her to be raised by both bio parents. That "child" is now 30 and has virtually no memory of the earlier life. She appears to have a good life and does not seem messed up at all.
I am sure the transition was not easy on anyone - but it seems to be okay now
Did the man have any other
children with his ex wife? That is very helpful and I do believe it will be okay if BM decides to be a good mother and put her child first. I don't remember hardly anything from when I was four.
The way I see it not going well for her though since they do have a child together that will be exchanged back and forth until she is 18, is BM saying oh he was your dad but he doesn't want you anymore or anything to the child that is not my bf's. That would be horrible if she does that, but at the same time it frankly is not any of our business either. I wish the child well and hope BM will step up and do right by her, but she is such a POS that I don't have much faith that she will.
It’s must be hard for your DH
Every time he see this kid it's a reminder of his ex cheating on him. Then telling him lies about this kid being his. She must of has a long on going relationship with her affair partner. At this point this kid must cause him pain.