What is worse? Skid living with you full time or paying child support to toxic BM?
I will try to keep it brief and to the point. Regular Steptalkers are no doubt aware of my situation but for those that aren't:
We used to have skids every other weekend and half of school holidays until it all blew up about 2 years ago with BM and they ran away to our house. SS18 has moved back to BM's as she bought him a MacBook and a car. As he is now an adult, there is no child support payable for him- he is 'off the books'. SD17 is still living with DH and I and in that time we have moved house to the other side of our city, about 1 hour away from BM. This was SD's choice to move with us and given the distance, necessitated a move to a different school. In that time, DH and I have had our own baby son who is nearly 6 months.
My question is this: Keep SD17 here for the next year and a half so we don't have to pay child support to BM? Or send her back to BM's and go back to the original every other weekend situation?
BM is hugely toxic, so if we pull the plug on SD living here it will start up the abusive emails, constant demands for extras above and beyond child support. That bring stress to me and DH as it is how BM punishes DH and causes drama.
DH has already been in touch with SD's old school and had a long chat with the principal who said it would not be that disruptive to her school work if she moved back and she could basically just pick up her subjects with minimal issue.
SD does not speak to me beyond one word answers, has nothing to do with our son (he wouldn't even know she is in the house and when she does pick him up or interact with him he yells as he doesn't know who she is) has feral hygiene, hoards rotting food in her room and is otherwise belligerent, has no social skills and is massively awkward to co-exist with.
I get terrible neck and back pain due to the stress and constant aggravation of having her in my home and truly find her unbearable and stressful to be around. It really is a catch 22. Either we keep here here but pay BM no child support, or ship her back to BM, pay child support and open up BM to causing drama again. Which option do you think is the best?
Pay child support and save
Pay child support and save your sanity!!!
SInce your SD is 17 Pay the money and that’s it and tell your DH to never ever speak to BM again, ever.....should be no drama that way if nobody engages her. With that age kid all communication for visits can go through her. Ignore BM as if she doesn’t exist.....unless SD is in the hospital.
It sounds like the simpler option doesn't it?
but BM cooks up all sorts of medical expenses/eye exams/doctors appointments, you name it and it just causes another source of stress. It is damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Side bar: we had visitors last weekend. SD was all over the baby for their benefit: calling her his 'big sis' and him her 'little sibling', and showing him off like some sort of prop. Picking him up and he starts yelling because he doesn't know her from a bar of soap. When there isn't an audience, she doesn't engage with him or look in his direction at all. SD can mimic normal social responses but they are not genuine. It is extremely frickin weird.
I also know about all of the
I also know about all of the appointments and prescriptions!! Is this something else we all have in common? I’m noticing a pattern.....skids are at the doctor non stop.....they’ve even been to hospital and to specialists and there is NOTHING wrong with them!!! Oddly enough our shared baby shares the same pediatrician as my skids and my older bio kids.....and I am not making this up....last year for the baby’s first FOUR well baby checks....BM was there at the office with skids every single time on the same day. Coincidence????
i would still just pay half
Thanks for the reply Petronella
Good to hear from someone else in the same shitty, boat! Haha, bingo! We don't get a red cent from BM for SD, nothing. I just don't think it is bearable or sustainable for the next year and a half to have her here. I also don't want to look back on my baby son's first few years as blighted by her.
Pay the child support and
Pay the child support and block BM. The kid is 17, no need to leave the lines open for BM to harass you. If she is owed something that DH hasn't paid, she can contact him through an attorney or take him to court for it.
BM was always trying to harass DH for more money, but he just ignores her and she finally stopped. He'd rather go to court pro se than deal with her.
Personally I think that your
Personally I think that your SD should decide, with a healthy dose of your husband setting rules for his home and you disengaging from both SD and BM.
18 months seems like a long time when we look forwards, but in reality it is pretty short when we look back.
We did have a year where we had SD with us full time and my husband continued to pay BM, so at least that isn't on the table for you.
I don’t know how much you and
I don’t know how much you and your DH make and how much in turn you have to pay but if you can afford the CS and try to force BM to go through channels vs you guys direct to pay half of whatever she cooks up doctor-wise I say ship her to BMs.
Blood money
DH makes good money but with that comes the annoyance that CS equates to shelling out thousands each month which skid won’t see. Very upsetting to see BM making bank just for having skids.
I would say
Step kid living with you full-time. I would rather pay support
Paying child support is better.
As much as I hate how much money goes to the toxic cunt, having my skids live with me full time would be much worse. I could actually take the boy okay but not the girl. There's no way to proposition that to my partner. "I can deal with your son but your daughter makes me want to jump off of a bridge." Nope.
The child support makes it so that I pay for almost everything but it's still better.
That’s exactly how I feel
The difference is I have said to DH that SS is bearable but that I absolutely despise SD. I can’t hide it and feel like I have to be honest.
Thanks God for StepTalk. It makes me feel better to know that there are people out there living it who also understand.
Update
DH had a talk with SD and she is moving back to her mothers. Did her usual ‘ok...ok...ok’ response to everything. School holidays start tomorrow in Australia for the next 2 weeks and she goes back tomorrow. Thank you everyone for your advice and input. It gave me clarity and a basis on which to lay out my stall and speak to DH when he got home from work. I was my usual to the point self and said the status quo is unsustainable. If she stays living here, our marriage will have died a death in 18 months anyway....
I feel nothing but pure relief. Don’t care what BM carries on with. So, so DONE.
I am in your shoes and your situation is quite similar with mine
i have 3 skids (2sd’s aged 23.5 & 14.5), they were kidnapped by bio mum 6 yrs ago and cut off contact, only reinitiated it mid last yr, they are alienated as fu#ked!! Ss21 lives at home when not in uni.
My husband pays cs to exwife for sd14, sd23.5 he still pays out of disney daddy guilt because these kids were wronged that their parents divorced and that their mum neglected them. Sd23.5 told her dad right after re-initiating contact that he better continue paying cs indefinitely to her as she helps pay for her sisters expenses along with the mum (wrong!! Daddy’s cs money pays for this every month as exwife hasn’t worked in 25+ yrs)
sd23 has graduated uni end of last yr and been working fulltime since early February this year, every month she gets $1000 from daddy, ss21 fulltime at university gets same $1000 per month
i have 2 kids with my husband aged 2 & 3.5, ss has not acknowledged them, ignores them and sd’s on events out pretend we don’t exist and go out of their way to remind daddy of bio mum and stepdad’s relevance.
Bio mum is batshit crazy, has her siblings and dad (who were police officers at the time) threaten to shoot and stab hubby, her own siblings go to witch drs to do black magic because they hate all the money she stole out of their mums estate, actually broke into their home to put dead cats, candles and knives...
bio mum is still upto her usual shit but we just zone it out. She is the typical hcgubm, narcissist and pas and sd enables this behaviour
ss has told his dad me and our kids are strangers and he shouldn’t force him to have a relationship with our kids.
I go along with my daily life as usual disengaged and have refused to attend any outings or family events 3 skids will be at. Anytime sd’s will be there i refuse to go along with my kids, they have in front of their dad told me they would do whatever to my kids no matter how inappropriate it is when i have said no, sd23 is a miniwife and sd14 is following the same. Hubby has justified this behaviour as sd’s being friendly and loving and playful to my kids
Next week i am flying back to my country to finish my university studies and my daughter and son will be starting kindergarten shortly, me and hubby both agreed our kids will be schooling in my country.
I have disengaged from skids 100%. Hubby still out of guilt continues to pay cs to his adult kids. Hubby knows i want more kids and whilst ss is a loner and locks himself in his room day and night, he isn’t really present here or an active member of our household.
for me a major dealbreaker is if hubby says we won’t be able to afford another kid yet he is willy nilly giving money to 2 adult kids who are effed up enough as it is, failure to launch and just not productive in society.
at times i hope sd23 gets married quick as she has a boyfriend because in our culture thats it you’re on your own
Just pay the CS
And nothing else. Make sure all medical comes with bills from DR office, and you send your 1/2 to DR. Not BM. Or have DR bill you direct for 1/2 the payment. Having a happy home has a cost for a Year and half. It’s better then going crazy and then get slapped in the face.
Paying child support is the
Paying child support is the much better option. It is well worth the money.
I was the save age as your SD
I was the save age as your SD woebegone I decided to move back in with my dad and SM. I lived with them pretty much my entire life, but when I was 15, I went to live with my mom because I was going through a very rebellious stage with dad/SM. So at 17, I wanted to come back. I was not feral or overly weird, but I could tell my SM did not want me back. I partially moved back in on a Monday morning, and she came home for lunch Monday afternoon, did not greet me, went on the back deck to make phone calls, and then she finally came back inside and was bawling, she went right to their bedroom, closed the door and did not come out until my dad got home at 5 ish. He then called me into the living room for a “meeting” with her there as well, and he laid down the rules very firmly. She was still crying, but she managed to tell me some other rules. After a couple days, it was still very cold and awkward. I decided that I was not welcomed there and so I moved back home with mom. Sooo, maybe you and your husband should follow my dad n stepmoms lead if she chooses to live there and you really don’t want her there, lay down the rules and don’t make it comfortable for her, she’ll probsvly leave quickly.
I feel like shit about it to be honest
SD was crying this morning but I know that is all part of the passive aggressive routine. It can’t be any other way.
I showed DH StepTalk last night and all your responses which he thought were great.
He said something I’d like to share: how sad he found it that all these good people tried so hard with stepchildren and to make their marriages work but that society makes everything the stepparents fault and that stepparents aren’t understood so we have things like StepTalk- an anonymous group of people trying their best to muddle through steplife and dealing with stress, trauma, anxiety, abuse and manipulation.
It’s so true. StepTalk is like a secret society or cabal- people just assume the stepkids or BM can never be wrong and that it’s always our fault so we have to discuss the issues with relative strangers on the internet. How depressing but true is that?!!
Greetings to lorlors DH
Yes, it is extremely sad. But it would be sadder without this wonderful outlet.
I am able to feel less alone in my journey, get feedback and clarity (along with a few trolls!) and in turn am able to have better relationships and explain things to folks.
I am especially hopeful that I can keep plugging away and make things even better in the future with Munchkin SD13.
So does this Secret Society have an emblem/logo/motto? That coulld be fun.
We have been dealing with
We have been dealing with what is better "demanding his daughter comes back to use 50/50" or "pay out the ass in child support" because child support is FAR more than what it cost to have her in our home and pay half the medical and clothing cost that has been the arrangment. For the last 3 years it has been 50/50 everything, now SD hasn't bee in our home since May 19th and her only interactions with DH have been when she needed something and she is an asshole to him each time. Hell yesterday he left his phone home and when we got home I saw she was calling, he missed the call and checked his phone and she left him a nasty message as to why he didn't answer the first time. I am convinced that child support for the next 4 years will be a MUCH better deal for our sanity than her EVER being in our home again.
I agree.
It has been less than 12 hours and magically my neck feels better and I had a decent sleep last night for the first time in months. i am sorry your SD is so rude. No one deserves that.
It really is a catch 22.
It really is a catch 22. Either we keep here here but pay BM no child support, or ship her back to BM, pay child support and open up BM to causing drama again. Which option do you think is the best?
Your health and sanity is worth more than money can buy. I'd let her go with her mother and your H pay the CS. If her mother wants to ramp up the the BS I'd ignore it. He pays whatever amount it is and leave it at that. Anything else does not have to be entertained. He has to remain consistent in not feeding into BM craziness. If my health was impacted I'd send her packing with no regrets. Picking your health is the best option here.
Bye Felicia!
High five to that Siempre!
xx
I rarely make these types of
I rarely make these types of decisions based on finances, at least from the perspective of financial impact on my family. I do make these decisions based on the perspective of ... does it benefit the blended family opposition? If it does, then I err on the side of not providing them with any benefit from my resources.
The core of these decisions for me is what is best for the Skid and for my family.
For that reason we kept SS with us except for his CO'd visitation time I even fought to minimize the income reduction credit BioDad and the SpermClan got for my income. SpermLand courts can apply an income reduction credit to lower CS and in our case it was applied due to what the courts referred to as "StepDad's significant income" under the premise that the Spermidiot should not be punished by having to contribute to an "artificially elevated standard of living for the child". The POS Spermidiot and the SpermClan benefited from even a penny of my income torques my butt to this day.
In your case, I would lock in, tighten up the standards of behavior and peformance for SD-17 for the next 18mos and keep your family income focused on your household.
Good luck.