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In what ways has your partner put his kids before you?

Lizz741's picture

I'm just interested in hearing some stories of how your husband/wife has put the kids first before you. Tell me a specific situation.

Cover1W's picture

This type of thing led me to finding this site and learning to disengage....

We lived in a fairly out of the way place, no mass transit and only one car. I had my bike for my main transpo, to be interspersed with DH helping me out sometimes if I needed a ride (he worked mainly from home even back then). One evening, as we had previously planned, I stopped by the grocery store on my way home, filled up my panniers, and rode to the start of a long road that led to the house - it has a long uphill section, it was getting dark, and I was tired. Likely it was about 6:30 pm by then. I called DH to let him know that I was done and that he could come get me (a five minute drive one way). He then informed me that he was busy finishing the SDs dinner and that I'd have to wait until they ate. I was like, wait, you KNEW you were to pick me up and you couldn't feed them earlier?  Or serve them dinner, come get me, and then we could eat together?  I was furious and he left me there for at least another 30 min, in the dark, in the cold. I should have just ridden to the house. The outcome of this (and this wasn't the first time something similar had happened)..."...but the SDs need to do X first..." when there was no emergency just bad planning, was that I bought my own car. And he did not, back then, get to use it. I explained why I got it with no gloss.

WwCorgi7's picture

My husband let SD behave horribly towards me and didn't want to correct or discipline her because he thought she would never come over anymore. One circumstance was when I had baked a cake for all the kids after dinner (typical boxed cake mix). It was just meant to be a treat for dessert. Well, I'm no cake decorator I just iced it quickly added a few sprinkles and served. SD told me how ugly it was and her mom only gets cakes from the bakery. Then she proceeded to take a bite and spit out the cake all over the table and kitchen floor. She literally kept taking bites and saying "oh this is the worst cake ever"  and she would spit all her nasty chewed up cake on the floor and table. I was furious and disgusted. I told my husband (who was on the phone at the time in the other room) and he just told her "If you're full you don't have to eat it, go pick out a movie". Then he started cleaning up all the chewed up globs of cake off the table and kitchen floor. Blatant disrespectful behavior like that caused a lot of trouble in our relationship for a long time.

I think what bothered me more than putting SD before me was my husband putting SD before our bio kids. If the kids were excited to go to the movies or go to the pizza places with games, and suddenly SD didn't want to go my husband would try to cancel and tell the kids another time when SD felt like it. That is when I put my foot down. Our kid's were not going to bow down to SD and only live life when she was around or do whatever she wanted.

Dogmom1321's picture

Wow! How did you not end up smashing the cake in her face? No baked desserts from me next time! I would say "Sorry, remember it's not from a bakery. This is just for us. I would hate to waste it by you just spitting it out again." 

And kudos to you for not letting him put his kid before yours!

Cover1W's picture

wow - that cake experience. I would have thrown it into the trash directly and never, ever cooked again.

Rags's picture

I would have grabbed that nasty little shit by the scruff of the neck and force fed her every bite of that cake including the cake she spit on the floor. If she tried to spit it out I would have popped her in the lips with the spoon until every crumb had been swallowed. Then I would have marched her to an isolated corner where she could spend the rest of the day with her nose firmly plated in contact with the intersecting walls.

DH needs clarity that if his failed family progeny can't behave appropriately as an exemple to your young children that she will not be tolerated in your home or near her younger half sibs.

This one triggered some major anger for me.

If DH had said a word I would have told him to pack his shit, take his ill behaved failed family breeding experiment and GTFO of my home and to get ready for a very expensive divorce and  decade or two of insane CS.

Grrrrrrrr!

TheBrightSide's picture

The WORST:

EXDH and BM had 50/50 custody.  Although we had SD, on average 70% of the time.  BM was ALWAYS asking EXDH to take SD for whatever reason.  There were many occassions for this and a lot of times it was for stupid reasons.  DH always said yes.  He would NEVER ask BM to take SD for him if something came up.  NEVER.  He would never ask to swap days.  He would never get a babysitter!!!  NEEEVVVER.  The only time he got a babysitter for SD was on our wedding night.

So, during my first round of IVF, in the cold dark winter mornings, I drove myself to my IVF appointments across town if they fell on SD custody time.  EXDH wouldn't swap with BM on those days.  SD was 9 at the time.

Still resentful.  One of the many reasons we're divorceed.

 

(I ended up pregnant twice and miscarried twice.  Probably a blessing I didn't have kids with him)

Mommajay's picture

I just got enraged reading this. I had a similar experience. I miscarried many years ago and bc he had his son that weekend, I went to the doctor alone and cried all night long on the floor just emotionally unable to get up. 

TheBrightSide's picture

I know what its like to grieve pregnancy loss alone.  You're not alone.  I'm with you.

TheBrightSide's picture

After the second pregnancy loss in the span of 8 months, when I was at my lowest and incredibly depressed he said.  "You need to just get over it".

One night, after the pregnancy losses, and I was depressed, I told him that I needed to drink to have sex with him.  I tried desperately to explain to him straight away that it was because I was associating sex with pregnancy and that I was just a disaster.  

To no avail.  He just took it personally.  For the remainder of our marriage he never again initiated sex.  Demoralizing.

Sayonara F8#ker!!

Rags's picture

I have no words to express how much this guy pisses me off.

Aggressive

Dash 1

shamds's picture

going out the door tells daddy that daddy must take him to the store for food supplies for his university dorm. Hubby said you can do this yourself on your motorbike as he was like 21yrs old.

ss said no you must do it. Hubby said well i can’t as your brother and sister need their vaccinations which is a priority 

ss asked when we would be back home and hubby said I don’t know later in the afternoon as we are having lunch and doing grocery shopping. 4.30pm we get home and hubby straight away takes ss to the store. Next day dipshit 21 yr old ss as he is leaving the door tells hubby he is taking this bottle of liquid laundry detergent. Hubby says thats fabric softener and thats for us to use at home and wash our and our 2 little kids clothes so you cannot take it and asked him why he didn’t buy this yesterday when he did his grocery shopping.. 

ss wouldn’t give a shit if he stole the last bottle of laundry detergent from home that i bought

Rags's picture

I am sorry to hear about your miscarriages.

As sad as they no doubt were for you, at least you did not pollute your gene pool with that idiot.

smh

Mommajay's picture

My first Mother's Day. I had some emotional issues after my first born. She didn't sleep; I was exhausted. I told him I just wanted to relax in the morning time, sleep in and then go to my moms for bbq. Simple. He told me he would drive SS to his moms on Mother's Day morning. I urged him to do it the night before.  Nope. So Mother's Day morning happens. He gets up with baby but after 20 minutes says, I need to get ready to drive him upstate (one hour each way). Okay. My daughter cried all morning it seemed. I cried too. I struggled to get ready for the day. About an hour before we had to leave for my mom's, my husband still wasn't home. I called and found out that he was still on his way up there! Traffic? No. He took his son to the batting cages!!! He never got back in time for my moms. I drove myself and baby over there and told him I didn't even want to look at him. Spent My first Mother's Day crying for the most part. Why in the world did he need to bring his son to the batting cages on Mother's Day morning, I will never understand. 

SteppedOut's picture

What a d!ck move. I honestly don't know how you got over that. Hope he is better now. Jerk. 

Mommajay's picture

He's nailed the last few but I don't let him forget it. And there was no Father's Day that year. 

Dogmom1321's picture

UGH. Spending mother's day doing favors for your ex-wife? What a little b!tch that's unable to grow a spine and say NO.  

shamds's picture

When hubby said months prior he was so busy we would have to celebrate our anniversary the following month together with my birthday

our anniversary weekend ss20 messages hubby “person is free from this date to this date for you to take persona nd persons sisters on holiday (aka his full sisters and not my kids- his half siblings) which fell during our anniversary  weekend.

hubby messages me from work telling me to book the airline tickets and hotel somewhere for our wedding anniversary as skids are coming

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO” was all he got. I spelt it out for him he was effin insane that i would want his 3 reject ferals for an anniversary where they ignore me, treat me like dog shit and rant on about their bio mum and stepdad and we play chauffeur for them...

i sent a screenshot for the ticket costs to fly back to my country for me and our 2 kids who were 1.5 and almost 3...

never again did hubby suggest that ever again we take skids along. Wtf??

shamds's picture

and fell back into guilty daddy syndrome and weak parenting and treated like a yoyo by skids... 

all of a sudden every weekend almost i would be told on friday that skids wanted to meet for lunch and i was expected to go... over time i found out that their meets had been scheduled over a week confirming dates sometimes 2 and never when they were forst scheduling did hubby ever consider me and our family time. 

Every meet we had to drive 1.5-2 hrs to pick up lazy arse adult skids whilst we had 2 kids ourselves aged 1 & 2.5 and then another 30 mins to lumch location and another trip to drop skids off. A whole day wasted hearing them rant about bio mum and stepdad daily life. Hubby shut up and never told his kids to shut the eff up that he doesn’t care about bio mum and her husband as she cheated on hubby with this man.

eventually end of 2018 i was sick and tired of 4 months being treated like me and our kids didn’t matter. It felt like we were tossed to the side so not only did i have no hubby or father to my kids during the week because of his work hours, we also got no father or hubby on weekends.

i refused to attend the meets and hubby would leave 10am and back at 8pm whilst i had 2 young kids and household chores. He came home to a severely hormonal bitchy wife. The 2nd time this happened he was locked out of our bedroom that night.

the following day he played innocent victim and i made him by force reclaim his balls. If he couldn’t make time for us, he didn’t get the privilege of meeting skids.

his kids had abandoned him and 2 were adults and the youngest almost 14. Our kids were at that critical age of learning. 

Hubby couldn’t plan meets if we had something scheduled. If i wanted lunch with just hubby and our kids then no skids ever!! Since they were disrespectful and couldn’t behave i wasn’t putting up with shitty behaviour by them.

we had a nephew wedding. I had made it clear to hubby i had disengaged and would not go to any events sd’s were at. I asked hubby if sd’s were coming and he said no. Meanwhile he had been covertly messaging them arranging to pick their lazy arses. They were never on time and would change things last min and we are expected to cater. Nope not again. Hubby refused to tell me.

i lost my shit at hubby what this fuckery was about? You don’t tell me all along when i told you I wouldn’t attend if sd’s were coming and all along you are planning to go.. i refused to go and told hubby his sisters already knew if i wasnt there but sd’s were that hubby had prioritized their crap behaviour over me his wife.

again he came home to a bitchy wife and wanted sex... nope not how it works.

then i figured since skids and exwife are total experts at manipulating hubby since 25 years ago and thats the only thing that gets results, i’ll play this game better. 

Rags here always talks about equity life partner... if you respect your partner then you treat them as an equity life partner. I told hubby it was obvious he did not respect me, did not love and care for me and continued to allow skids to abuse us and enable/encourage it so i was done with this marriage. It was obvious he was incapable of change... i told hubby to marry his exwife again because barely an hour with her would remind him what a privilege and heaven it was for him to be married to me. I told him he could go to exwife and miniwife sd’s for sex from this point forward... 

now hubby loves his sex too much. Our sex is great, the best he ever had... the thought of him being married to exwife again and those flashbacks when she continually manipulated and tortured him witholding sex and being so demeaning and off putting during sex was enough to scare him.

hubby said he would never divorce me and i made this rule law!! Barely a yr later we had planned a mini getaway to a nice hotel about an hour away. Ss was 20.5 and as usual last min tells daddy he is coming home when he has known way before. Hubby tells him tomorrow me and stepmum and our kids are going for a getaway so you need to the following day make your own way back to uni using uber like you normally do

ss actually told hubby no you need to drive home and pick me up to drive me to uni... he actually expected hubby spend 3.5-4 hrs driving home, to his uni then to our hotel during a sex vacation...  hubby right away said i’m not coming home for this. You are perfectly capable if arranging uber and gave him 2 choices. 1 come with us to hotel for lunch and arrange uber from there as uni is maybe a 30-40min drive away or arrange uber from home the following day. He picked option 1 and was made to wait in hotel lobby whilst we checked our bags in... 

to get to that point was a miracle as i never thought we would get there... i hate playing manipulative bs games which is what skids do continually but its what worked. Finally hubby saw through it.

now we do have momentary lapse in judgement from hubby, guilty daddy disney daddy but on the whole they are managed.

Almost 2 yrs now i have had no contact or seen sd’s snd late last yr the eldest played a sob story how hubby chose me and my 2 kids over them. Honestly they expect hubby to gush over 3 reject disrespectful failed breeding experiment skids over 2 sane 2.5 & 3.5 kids who love hubby and enjoy spending time with him. 

The hypocrisy of bio mum being allowed to remarry 11.5 yrs ago literally the week divorce was finalised but how dare daddy marry his hobag 5.5 yrs later and how dare he have sex and get her pregnant...

disengaging works for me...

before i disengaged, there was one time we went to my fil’s home (hubbys childhood home) several states away with sds. We had to pick them up, they were not on time, then they proceeded to undress my daughter in our 2 bedroom serviced apartment we were staying in to dress her as a princess when they were glorified sisters who maintained no contact with us. 2 days later when we were already staying at my fils home (we hve our own bedroom) in the early morning like 7.30am sd23 was baging our bedroom door and screaming like a banshee whilst our 2 kids aged 1 & 2.5  were sleeping and hubby and me were having sex (hubby was inside of me). Hubby gets up to open the door. Sd wans to get her bag of sugar for her aunt. I just laid there like wtf just happened.

i lost it with hubby several days later and said i am never ever going on a trip eith your 3 ferals. The level of disrespect, no respect for boundaries is just insane no one in their right mind would put up with it.

 Hubby thought i was going through a phase until a year later if hubby asked as a guilty daddy would “oh my poor sd’s have been abandoned by bio mum can we take them out for lunch??” Was met with a respunding NOOOOOO!!! from me and that sd’s were full of it because they are always in contact eith bio mum and it was barely months ago they decided to last min cancel a trip with you without even calling you for bio mum and you were so upset because i was overseas finishing my university studies for a few months and you missed us and would have flown to us had you known skids never wanted to spend time.

i reminded hubby that this happened everytime and he chose to be manipulated by them and expected to jump through hoops for them so it gave them satisfaction they had hubby by the balls when he had 3 people actually missing him

we don’t change our plans for them ever and i hold hubby to our agreement. I deserve a trip with my husband and just our kids and since hubby can’t bring his kids into line and they Refuse to be pleasant and respectful, i do not torture or force myself to put up with them... 

ldvilen's picture

There is a lot of hypocrisy when it comes to acceptable behavior from BM vs. bio-dad, isn't there?  A lot: "The hypocrisy of bio mum being allowed to remarry 11.5 yrs ago literally the week divorce was finalised but how dare daddy marry his hobag 5.5 yrs later and how dare he have sex and get her pregnant."  Yet, another thing you see rarely mentioned, tho.  I get that BMs are way more influcential over their kids than about 99% of the bio-dads would ever be.  But what I don't get is things like BM can marry or move in with the man she cheated on dad with right away AND encourage the kids to start calling him dad.  That's OK.  But, if dad wants to marry a woman well after the ink is dry on their divorce papers, it is just "too soon for the kids," and God forbid the thousand curses that will be thrown if HER kids are ever encouraged to call dad's wife "mom," or "2nd mom" or such.  And, of course, there's the ol' step-dad who gets to walk his SD down the aisle, while step-mom is seated alone in the back of the church and at the kiddie-table during the reception.

Yet, this is the year 2020. . .  One of the hardest things to take--that there you are clipping along with your husband enjoying your toe-to-toe, heart-to-heart relationship, and then, boom!, as soon as BM, SKs or esp. both show up, it's back to the year 1920 for the "little woman" (a/k/a SM).

shamds's picture

i call out hubby on the double standards and hypocrisy

early part of our marriage hubby always said I don’t want drama as an excuse to pander to exwife and skids to not deal with the drama of putting them in their place for crappy behaviour 

i told hubby to marry them then!! It was a cop out to not deal with things. I can’t remember which stepmum said this on steptalk but she said she made her husband fear her more than the exwife and skids...

so i made hubby fear me more... sucks i have to do this manipulative bullshit but it works!!

shamds's picture

motorbike so he could drive to school on his own. Ubby did pay for the wedding and i kept quiet. 

He did crash it barely 10 months later twice. 1st time he was so impatient and failed to give way to an on oncoming car and claimed it was the other drivers fault as that car came out of nowhere. Now that car was always there, its just ss17 was a dipshit who failed to give way.

barely 2 weeks later he crashed it by riding it into a pothole the size of a friggin swimming pool.. his excuse?? I didn’t see it.

yeah hubbys family laughed at the stupidity of that excuse because that pothole could be seen from far away.

hubby told ss to get his eyes checked, turns out he did need glasses...

SMto2's picture

I was high risk in my pregnancy and my dr ended up scheduling a c-section a month before my due date. Long Before we knew about the c-section, DH  had planned to take oldest SS on a "father son weekend," which ended up being the weekend before my planned c-section. Although my c-section was the following week, my dr said I should be on stand by in case I went into labor before that so I could be rushed to the hospital for an emergency c-section. Still, DH refused to cancel their precious "father son weekend " and instead, changed the destination to 3 hours away instead the original plan of 6, so he could return more quickly if necessary. My aunt had to stay with me in case I went into labor, which I didn't, thankfully, but I was pretty pissed that DH  was willing to risk it for oldest SS. Shortly after this is when oldest SS (who was then 12 or 13) stopped all visitations and posted on social media that his dad "abandoned" him when he was 4 years old. So despite DH putting oldest SS first, it still wasn't enough.

Lizz741's picture

Okay now I will share something that happened. I don't know if it's petty. Well, we went out with my BF's sons. Suddenly in the afternoon they got hungry so my BF went to get them something to go so they could eat when we got home. My BF offered me something too but I said no because he spends too much money on his sons already so I felt bad and said no thanks. But BF was nice and said: "I'm just going to order some tacos for us so at least we can try them". I thought it was nice that he cared about me. 
when we got home I went to my room while his sons ate in our small dinning table. A half hour later my BF comes to the room and tells me: "I'm so sorry but I decided to give the tacos to my sons because they were still very hungry". So not only they ate what they ordered but our tacos too. Okay, I didn't get upset but it's rude to offer me and then change his mind and give the tacos to those brats.

At least later that night he took me to the ice cream shop to eat some ice cream. But we literally had to sneak in to the ice cream shop because he has "guilty dad syndrome" and it's bad if his sons find out we ate ice cream and we didn't invite them!!

Tessa LeAnn's picture

Wow, great thread! I have several stories to choose between.

 

I was invited to a prestigious awards event weekend out of state.  Invitees were announced several months in advance. We were allowed to take significant others. My boyfriend rejected the invitation because that was his weekend with SD.  Mind you, he has her 50% of the time every week, and had several months to make other childcare arrangements, but he just flat refused from the get-go. I went to the awards event by myself.

 

My son’s 5th birthday party was scheduled on a Sunday about a month ahead of time. Some friends were coming from quite a distance to be there. The Thursday before the party, so three days prior, my SO gets a notification that his daughter’s school basketball game has been rescheduled from Saturday to Sunday, right during the party time. He actually contemplated seriously, right up until guests started arriving for the party, that he would skip my son’s birthday party to go to the daughter’s rescheduled basketball game (which she had a game every weekend - her missing one game was not a big deal). A few of the guests heard what was going on and were appalled. Maybe they shamed him into staying, but just the fact that it came down to that was very hurtful to myself and my son.

 

Our first Valentine’s Day living together, we had plans to go out to a fancy seafood (our favorite) restaurant, and karaoke bar afterwards.  We had a babysitter lined up to watch my son and his daughter for the evening.  SD was very moody when she got home from school and objected to the plans and guilt tripped daddy by saying “when I come over you’re supposed to spend time with me.”  SO rolled over for SD like he had jelly for legs, but tried to play it off like he suddenly didn’t feel well and would rather just stay in for the night, and was that OK with me?  I said no, that was NOT ok, we had these plans, the babysitter was on her way over as we spoke, and he and I were already dressed up to go out. But, he insisted he suddenly “didn’t feel up for it” and told me - get this - to go out and have dinner on my own, on Valentine’s Day!  He even offered me cash. I had to embarrassingly call the babysitter and cancel.  My SO happily PayPal her the babysitting fee since we canceled on such short notice. Of course SO didn’t even seem to realize there was a problem with this scenario and even got grouchy with me when I went and locked myself in our bedroom for the evening rather than hanging out eating fast food for dinner with him and the kids...

 

SD’s schedule (custody schedule, extracurricular activities, etc.) are the “givens” in our schedule and what everything else in our lives (well, his, at least) must be scheduled around.  He will even schedule his work commitments around her sports practices or girl s our meetings, and of course, we can never go anywhere on an evening he has her, or on a weekend she has a sports game (pre-pandemic, he would attend her games no matter what time they were, whether he had physical custody that weekend or not).  Oftentimes he didn’t even know the time of the game until Thursday or Friday, one or two days before, so we couldn’t pre-plan or schedule anything for a weekend until we knew what days and times her games were.

 

When we moved, he comes home from IKEA one evening after picking SD up with a brand spanking new $600 bed frame, $100+ in new bed linens and bedroom art, and $300 super fancy matching dresser...for SD.  and I feel I should point out, she had a bedroom full of perfectly functional, aesthetically pleasing furniture already.  There I was going to thrift stores and searching craigslist for the few pieces of furniture we still needed for our living quarters and our own bedroom, and he goes and blows $1000+ in one day on SD’s full bedroom upgrade to brand new furniture and decorations. She was 10 at the time! I was just blown away. I don’t think I have ever bought brand new furniture, let alone spent anywhere close to $600 on a freaking bedframe, in my life.

 

We went on a summer vacation with both kids (my son, age 4, and SD age 9) to the beach. There were soooo many unique local highly-rated restaurants in that area, but we wound up going to Applebee’s, McDonalds, and Shari’s - more than once each! that week - because of SD’s pickiness and preferences. Finally, we went to a really nice seafood place, where my son gorged on clams, prawns, and chowder along with us...but SD refused to touch a thing and basically complained the entire night. She ordered chicken strips and fries (from a 5 star seafood joint) but they weren’t to her liking either.  Afterwords we had to do a drive-thru just for her to get fast-food chicken nuggets. And SO was very grouchy because she was unhappy, and it just wasn’t an enjoyable evening at all, despite the great seafood. The next day it was back to Applebee’s and Shari’s...  I feel like SD pretty much set our itinerary for the entire vacation. Where she wanted to eat, where she wanted to go shopping, what she wanted to do… SO always asked her first before consulting with me.

 

Though it has gotten a little bit better, three years into this, SO will still sometimes make changes to his parenting schedule after consulting with BM and/or SD, without consulting me or asking my plans.  There have been many times that he has just shown up with her on a day that wouldn’t normally be his, and if I am anything less than super excited about it, I am a big bad evil stepmom.  If we had plans that night, he just assumes we can include her, or if we can’t, he’ll tell me that we will just have to reschedule, because BM offered him this extra day and he is “not turning down time with his daughter.“ they have a court order, but don’t really follow it. Holidays and school breaks are usually a mess, dictated on a whim (without my input) as they are happening. It is very frustrating for me. But bringing it up always causes him to go on the defensive and get mad at me.

ldvilen's picture

I totally get what you mean by asking this: In what ways has your partner put his kids before you?  But, I don't think most of us keep any kind of scoreboard, unless it really is something that big.  Or, for some reason, it just hits you that day.

I actually think when you are a step-parent, every day your partner puts his kids before you in one way or another, BUT that is keeping in mind that even in initial families, of course, it is not unusual for kids to be put before the other partner or spouse.  If both I and a younger SS was drowning, for instance, I would expect my DH to save his own son over me.  Now, if it were me and BM, tho., it had !#@$! be me.  Yet, I'm sure some people would try to argue it should be BM because she is the mother of his kids.

I'm only bringing this up because I don't think spouses or partners of those with kids from a previous relationship really think that they should necessarily come before the kids.  I think it is more like they expect kids to be treated like kids and spouses to be treated like spouses.  And, they certainly don't expect an ex- (BM) to carry as much weight as she usually seems to in these types of situations after the fact.  Like I say, I get that divorce sucks and is hard on everyone, but how that translates into because of that, I, as a SM, am supposed to suck it up and take it and accept being treated more like a 2nd wife in a polygamous relationship whenever BM is around, is beyond me.  

sandye21's picture

Are you writing a book?  If you are, it will be a welcome relief to seeing all of the 'Parent Trap' stories.

Reading some of the comments here reminded me of where I was over 9 years ago when DH ran out of the house instead of supporting me as his wife while his daughter stuck her fat finger in my face and tried to tell me off for "making her uncomfortable".  DH had placed SD on a pedestal all of her life.  When she would visit they were quite a team, giving each other the 'look' whenever I spoke, walking side by side on the sidewalk in front of me when we went on vacation, SD making insulting and demeaning comments, being rude, not lifting her finger to put a dirty dish in the sink. the list goes on.

Eventually you become overly-saturated with the B.S. and put a stop to it.  The hostility has gone on so long there is no possible resolution other than a complete break.  And you know what you find out in the end?  That DH had always put HIMSELF first and foremost.  DH was willing to do anything, even knowing that SD would stop communicating with him if he stayed with me.  But he did - because his own comfort was top priority, not SD, not the marriage.  In the end it turns into a business deal rather than a marriage.

The thing is, you have to nip it in the bud BEFORE you get married.

ldvilen's picture

Sandy, I know you and I are a couple of the long-termed married ones here, and I know that although different situations brought both of us here, that we often agree on advice.  So, I just have to say that after being married for about 20 years and being on this site for about five, your comment, “In the end it turns into a business deal rather than a marriage,” is just too true when it comes to SMs (not necessarily step-dads, tho.).  That is really what it comes down to. . . no matter what you may think, as a SM, “In the end it turns into a business deal rather than a marriage.”  Now that may be OK if you’ve been married before, I don’t know.  But, if it is your first marriage, Yikes!  Yuck!  No way!

There are many reasons for this, as you say, such as men put their comfort first.  Women put their emotion first.  I just think no matter what, the vast majority of divorced men with children are just too petered out to put that much work to make a 2nd or 3rd, whatever, marriage work.  And, for a new marriage to work, it does take a lot of work.  I know there was a forum topic recently that mentioned, “Are these men damaged goods,” and it wound up going off in a different direction than I thought.  But, yeah!  I think these men are damaged goods.  They feel they put all of that work into making it work with one woman, their ex- already.  Why do it again a 2nd time?  Better to just let the new “little woman” do as she may, make it work for everyone.  Meanwhile, pa gets to do whatever works for him.

So, for the vast majority of SMs (and not everyone here has reached that point yet), at some point you find yourself either having to suck it up and take it (unacceptable) or having to negotiate, of sorts, what you will or will not tolerate from DH, BM, and/or SKs.  In no other “marriage” type situations would any partner be expected to have to deal with this—negotiating how much time is acceptable for DH to spend with another woman (BM or hostile adult SD), for example, and where and how.  Or, negotiating how much money is acceptable to spend on this past affair, etc.  Yeah. . . you start to feel like you are too often on the losing end of a time-consuming, draining, never ending business deal. 

Meanwhile, where is that marriage?  The marriage you and your DH agreed to when you exchanged wedding vows?  Beware.  I think both Sandy and I have made a few deals and managed to make it work for now, and sometimes that happens in initial marriages too—you make deals—but nothing sucks like the day you realize your DH has no balls, because he already gave them away to BM and their kids.  It appears once they are gone, they are gone

Miss T's picture

" ...  rather than a marriage."

And in the 900 years since Guinevere and Lancelot first made doe eyes at one another, no power of bard, no sermon of preacher, no sweetness of wedding cake has managed to change that.

I have turned into a cynical old broad, and have concluded that the fate of True Love has always and everywhere been pretty much the same. To me, now, the wonder is that anyone can imagine it's ever been or ever going to be any different.

Also, recall that, in many places and at many times, including ours, now, it starts out as a business deal: Tell me again--how many cows/green cards/kingdoms do you want for your daughter?

TheBrightSide's picture

While you're deep into a relationship like this, you think to yourself "its for the sake of the kids.  He cares about his kid so much and that makes him a good person".  So you doubt yourself constantly.

Its not until you're out of the relationship and in a healthier one when you realize that you were right to be angry, confused and resentful.  

Ultimately, when the relationship is solid, then the relationship with the kids is better.  Its that simple.  My new man makes our relationship a prioriorty and because of this, I support his relationship with his teens.  My relationship with them is really good.  I've never been happier.

I made the right decision to leave the Ex.  Especially when I think back to all of the stupid behaviour.  He parented out of guilt and fear and insecurity.  It destroyed us.

hereiam's picture

While you're deep into a relationship like this, you think to yourself "its for the sake of the kids

In this case, his kids are adults.

Rags's picture

This entire thread has me ripping my hair out and so nauseous I have a barf bucket around my neck.

That anyone tolerates this kid of crap from their spouse is mind boggling. 

My XW would go to her parent's home after work day after day then call and leave a voice message that if I wanted to join them for dinner to come over but that she was staying there that night.

This went on for months.

Fortunately that marriage only lasted 31 months and I was free of that crap.

I am a blessed man to not have this kind of nauseating crap to deal with in my blended family marriage.

Thisisnotus's picture

There aren't too many lately although there are some.

The biggest one for me so far (haven't gotten over and might never) is being told that he will not go to Disney with me unless skids go....skids are 17 and 12....I have 3 teens also and can leave them home....keep in mind we do all go together every couple of years.....He said it's unfair....I am a huge Disney lover and kids don't care much and it's another theme park to them.  But the kicker is that it took 1.5 years for him to admit it....he literally ignored my attempts for 1.5 years for he and I to go Disney alone...well and with our toddler....he would change the subject or just act like I wasn't talking....I told him it's a deal breaker and I plan to revisit it....if he is unwilling to go to Disney with me and our 2 year old sometimes without always having to bring 5 more teens.....it may be my hill to die on....petty or not. 
 

one of the times I tried to go...skids were on vacation with BM and my kids were on vacation with their dad and we were both off work.....still NO. WTF!????

Nuckfanny's picture

Several years ago, DH and I were taking SS (who I believe was 12 or 13 at the time) through airport security for his flight home. We were pulled to the side as there was an unapproved item in SS's bag. That item turned out to be one of my kettlebells. I had no idea that they were even using them and I definitely was not asked if SS could have one. It ended up being thrown out, since SS couldn't get on the plane with it (odd, right?) and I wasn't willing to take it out to the car. That oblivious lackwit I married saw no problem with just giving my stuff away without even a head's up. 
It's a small thing, I suppose, but it was just another example of how my sweet and loving DH would absolutely lose his freaking mind every time The Boy was around. And of course, DH never saw it that way. 

Miss T's picture

... in a fit of pique. The dog was just standing there, minding her own business, and SS, who was a full-grown 18 or 19 years old at the time and in a peevish mood, let her have it. DH witnessed this and failed to rip the little creep's head off.

A few months later we were planning a weeks-long vacation. DH was first furious and then, after I reminded him of the animal abuse incident, got all butt-hurt because I refused to consider hiring SS to look after the house and MY DOG while we were gone.

Just the first example to come to mind of many times over the years when DH has put me in positions where I have to defend my refusal to trust and accept SS. It's crazy-making.