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At what point...

didddos's picture

At what point does a skid's excuse of "I'm from a broken/blended family" no longer hold water? I'm tired of my 13 yo SS using this excuse to explain his bad behavior and poor grades and to look for sympathy from whoever will give it to him. This is his angle with his new counselor. His parents split when he was a year and a half old! I know it's not ideal for any kid, but I think it's time to stop allowing him to make his parents feel guilty for HIS bad choices. Yeesh!

Struggling Step Mom's picture

I never allowed my kids to have any excuse for bad behavior....get real! Everyone has things that they need to deal with in their lives. As a parent, I wanted to teach my kids that they had to do their best NO MATTER WHAT the situation is and they are awesome!! (I'm a very proud mother) My DH lets his daughter do whatever she wants and I know that is his guilt!! I don't get it??? He is ruining her future really, shouldn't that make him feel MORE GUILTY?

laughterandtears's picture

That is no excuse for acting up. Sadness, yes, aloofness, yes, maybe some anger, yes, but so long after it has happened? NO!!!

My Ss's tried this, SS9 still tries from time to time. His parents have been divorced for 6 years and I have been here for 2.5 all total so this excuse doesn't cut it.

I tell my SS's, I'm sorry you feel that way but it does not excuse your behavior as you are the one who controls your actions. I also tell them while I feel for them, I will not allow them to make me or DH feel guilty for something that is so long in the past.

The past is like death, You can never get it back once it's gone.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

still_looking's picture

how many excuses I can come up with for myself, let me see, ummm I need pity because I am a African American, I am a woman (surely that alone deserves pity) I grew up in the suburbs where in my class of 600 there were 30 Blacks, ummmm, My parents divorced each other after 28 years of marriage, I married at 18 the first time, so I married young, that must deserve something, I was a stay at home mom with my 2 bios, can I get a tear or something, I am a DIVORCEE, surely that is the root of all sympathy, I remarried a wonderful man who failed to mention the NUT CASE he was once married to was completely IN SANE, that alone should allow me a disability check right there, let's see what else, oh the GREAT STATE of TEXAS, felt that although my husband's schedule is a non traditional work schedule, he needed the traditional visitation schedule with his kids. So every other weekend, I have to go get step kids from school on Friday and we have them until Sunday although BIO DAD works all weekend, he has Monday and Tuesdays off, so I know I should get pity for that.
All of us have issues, problems, and concerns it sure would be great if we could just hold on and use as pity any wrong that has ever happened in our life, I guess there is a reason why we need to just let go and move on.

"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)

Anne 8102's picture

Like my great-grandmother always said, "You'll get your reward in heaven." Wink

~ Anne ~

We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.

Catch22's picture

My SS gets spoiled and pitied for everything and someone mentioned before that the child will grow up and become accountable for their actions!! What are these parents thinking when they let their kids run rampant using the age old excuses that they learned worked for them as kids? My DH was Disney Dad number 1!! He soon learned that his kid needed to learn some manners and respect after he seen my kid behave and get praise from everyone he met, while his son was rude and cold and got the opposite reaction.

I pointed out to my DH that his child is undersized for his age and he won't be able to handle to many smacks in the head when he is 21 and rude and ill-mannered to men bigger than him!! Jokes aside, they are going to go through alot harsher things in their lives than a divorce umpteen dozen years ago, and we as parents have to prepare them for life in this century, if we don't what chance have they got?

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

grangecupcake's picture

Bill Gates gave some advice to high schoolers, 11 things they did not and will not learn at school --
Rule 1 -- Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2 -- The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 -- You will not make $60,000 right out of high school. You won't be vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 -- If you think your teacher is tough, wait til you get a boss.
Rule 5 -- Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6 -- If you mess up, it's not your parents fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 -- Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8 -- You school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 -- Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10 -- Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 -- Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I really liked this email that I received. I am so tired of BM and BF feeling guilty about divorcing the ex that the child gets away with murder and they let them do whatever they want. The children are running the show not the parents.

Being a stepparent is one of the toughest things I have ever had to do in my life. In my case we have an extreme case of favortism, that my husband has for one of his children and for over eight years it has caused many problems in our marriage. I just keep hoping when she graduates from high school that there will be enough left of my marriage to make it all worthwhile!

septembers_child's picture

Well they should NEVER be allowed to use it as an excuse..especially for bad behavior...Next time they use the "broken/blended family" excuse...tell them to take a number and get in line behing the millions of other people and kids in the same situation that don't act like they do...or how about "That was 12 years ago, get over it."

They use it because IT WORKS...When DH and I got together the Step Brat was three, almost four...The ONLY TIME she ever mentioned her Bio Mom was when she was about to get into trouble or be corrected for something...the instance DH would take a hold of her (for instance taking her by the arm to led her to her room or give her a swat on the bottom) ONLY THEN would she blather "I miss my mom"..It was clear that the child, at three, new to use that because it had always worked and daddy would not give her that swat on the bottom or put her in a time out.(The reality of the matter is that she didn't even REMEMBER her BM she was nothing other then a manipulation device to her.)

When she tried it on me.. I told her to "save that nonsence for you Nana and Papa's house because it doesn't work in mine". And you can "miss you mom" while she is sitting in the time out chair. Once she new that it wasn't going to work on me and that it wasn't going to float under my roof..She no longer USED IT, in fact she never mentioned her BM again..