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What if DD's BD tries to get 50/50?

MdMom's picture

So here's where I'm at... DD2 is not FDH's child. Though he has stepped into to role amazingly, she does have a BD out there.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation, her son's BD didn't see him for 5 years after he was born, nothing, no calls, letters, no reaching out to him, when her son was 5 his BD wanted to get to know him, my friend let him see him for a day, he came home with a horrible sunburn and bruises all over his body. So she said never again. Just yesterday she was served papers (her son is now 11) saying that BD wanted 50/50 custody.

I'm starting to worry that someday DD's BD will come out of the wood works and demand the same. But in my case DD's BD is not listed on her birth certificate, the only way that he knows that he has a child in the world is because I told him when I first found out I was pregnant. He had a few choice words for me... But after that day of reeming him out he has not tried to contact me, nothing.
I read somewhere that after a year of no contact that the child is deemed abandoned by the parent. Is this so?

Would DD's BD actually be able to get 50/50 custody, after so long with no communication? I fear that I will have to share my daughter with a guy who told me to deal with the problem, and get an abortion. And I know that DD would not like it either, she is my little mini me, it drives me crazy at times, but she is just loyal to her mom.

Can anyone help me with calming my nerves a little bit?

SecondGeneration's picture

He wouldnt be able to gain 50/50 immediately if he has had no contact with your daughter, he would have to start with visitation, if you have concerns about her safety when she is with him then you might be able to push for supervised visitation.
Frankly if he has no criminal record, drug history or any other history that would deem your daughter at potential risk to immediate or future physical/psychological harm then he will be able to gain visitation, and you in turn will be able to gain child support.
You know that mothers generally speaking do better in court than fathers anyway, but ultimately if he wishes to then he has the right to put his hands up and say "You know what, this child wasnt planned but shes here now and yes its taken me a while to deal with that fact but I want to be involved in my childs life" and you cant stop that.

furkidsforme's picture

She's going to pine for him anyhow, so may as well be prepared. If he doesn't seek her out, chances are she will start to seek him out as she approaches her teen years. I'd rather my daughter know her birth father than not and be able to create the fantasy of "when I finally find Daddy".

MdMom's picture

I understand this. FDH's older sister did this with her daughter, she never told her BD that she had his baby, and never told my Niece about her dad. It backfired on SIL when one of my nieces half sisters contacted her after running into SIL at a bar and found out about Niece (who is 13 now).

I'm not going to keep it a secret from DD, I don't want her to feel betrayed when she does find out. And if she does want to pursue a relationship with him, so be it. I'll get back on FB to help her.

FTMandSM's picture

Where you live do have "abandonment"? I think in NYS if you don't contact your child for a year, it's considered abandonment and the parent doesn't have any rights. Has the bio dad tried to see his daughter?

MdMom's picture

I'mnot sure any more. It is ssomething that I'm researching now.
He has never tried to reach out or get to know DD. I texted him a few days after I had DD, telling him her name, and reaching out to see if HE wanted to have a relationship with her.
He texted back saying his daughter (my exbest friend had his baby too, about 2 mo after DD was born.) Was not due for another two months. And I haven't heard from him again.

MdMom's picture

I know, and that'show iIhave been. Kinda like wwe'll cross that bridge when/IF we come to it. But after getting the call from myfriend about her ssituation, I can't help but worry.

Especially now that I know that BD and his wife recently moved back into town. (My mom ran into them at a store.)

MdMom's picture

I wasn'tplanning to be a single mom. DD's BD and I were in a rrelationship, I decided to move back home and prepare for him to join me in a month or two. I called him one day to tell him I got a job and would soon be getting an apartment for us when he told me that my best friend was pregnant (it didn't even cross my mind that I was pregnant too.) After that I called everything off, stayed with my brother and SIL then found out two weeks later that I too was pregnant.
After I told him I wwasn't going to get an abortion (I had had a previous abortion after my exH talked me into it after our divorce) I didn't want to feel the pain of losing another baby because that's what HE wanted. He dropped of the face of the earth. When I talked to his, now, wife to see if he would sign his rights over she told me that he didn't believe I was pregnant and he would not put his name on any documents saying he was DD's BD. Hence why I didn't put him on the birth certificate.
I don't want CS, I don't get government assistance. I just worry that some day he will try to obtain partial custody of DD.
I am going to look into what I need to do to have him sign his rights over, so FDH and I don't have to worry about the what if's anymore.

MdMom's picture

No one is named on the father's side of her BC. I was going to put FDH on it, but I didn't want it to bite us in the ass if BD ever tried to get custody I didn't want FDH to get in troublefor signing a document he had no right to sign.

And now that our wedding date is made and approaching FDH has said that he does want to adopt DD, I don't know how we would go about doing that since there is no Biofather filed with her.

OrangeUGlad's picture

Hmm. So *officially* no one knows that bd is the father? Go to a lawyer and ask about having fdh adopting dd and listing birth father as unknown or something. I highly doubt the bd is going to come around in your case. If he did, as was said, he would then be responsible for paying child support. You could even think about approaching him to relinquish his rights, stressing the fact that this would protect him from you ever coming after him for child support, although, as I said, since there is no proof out that he is the father, you may not even need to do this.

As far as the friend- he can file for full custody if he wants, it doesn't mean he will get anything. The chances he is going to come away with 50/50 under the circumstances you described are low.

MdMom's picture

I did tell BD and his new wife (my old bestfriend) that was not going to abort my daughter. I gave him a chance to be in DD's life, that's why I told him I was pregnant in the first place.
When he told me to 'take care of it' I told him I was having the baby. He know that he has daughter.

FDH, his family and my family all know that DD is not FDH's. We DO plan on telling her, once she gets old enough to understand. And if she wants to pursue a relationship with him,so be it. I hope I will be prepared for that, if its what DD wants.

MdMom's picture

Yes, I had tried to contact him after DD was born. And he refused to accept that she existed. I called, with no answer, I FBed him, I even went as far as to write him a letter, with DD's first hospital picture in closed. I got a text from his GF (at the time) saying that he was going to charge me with harassment if I kept tryingto reach out. So i stopped.
I know that she will want to know someday. And I am prepared for any questions she has. Its not like her BD is a bad person, he is just not the person I thought he was.

MdMom's picture

I have, I have a copy of the letter, the texts, and the FB messages in my safe.
Once FDH and I are married that is the first thing on our list, he is willing to adopt DD. He has been there for her, he was in the hospital with me when she was born, and cut her cord. He feelslike she is 100% his.