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What have you given up?

Totheend12345's picture

Am I the only one who has given up my personal wants for DH and SK?

Ten years together, when we 1st started out we both wanted a family together(our own kids). Now we are here 10 years later and all I have are his used SD's. (harsh?). After having so much drama, and full time kid it just didn't happen in the beginning. Now we are both in our 30's, work full time, and have a new house (more bills, more responsibilities, more grownup stuff)

We just got in an argument over it. I was mad at him when I woke up and I guess was just picking a fight (it's been a long long time since I had one of these grumpy days)

Me: "you gave two women you don't care about one thing I have always wanted. To be a mom"

DH: "not by my choice, my life is half over I really don't feel like starting over with a new baby. If you don't like it leave"

Me: "%$##($$#%$^%" well not really cussing just got mad an ignored him. Any time we fight thats his go to if you dont like so and so leave. But honestly we are in love just one of those crappy couple things people do.

OK I say all the time I don't want kids, but is that true or am I saying it because I love DH to much to leave over this. I feel as if he has his own family, he has kids, I don't... He has no clue how bad that sucks. How it feels some times to sit on the outside looking in to what I want (or think I want)...

I honestly at this point do not know if I still want kids or if I am just in a bad mood today. It is more the fact that its what he says goes, which I get with having kids. If two people can't agree on something that important then its most likely not the right time or person to have a child with. I know if I don't like it leave, but he really is my soul mate. Hes my other half, my best friend.

Its just one large major huge gigantic thing that we disagree on and did i say I am in a bad mood yet. Oh and he is on the way home with SD would it be awful to lock myself in the bedroom and ignore the world tonight?

Has any one else had this problem or something close.

Goodluck's picture

Totheend...

The desire to have a child is a strong one. DO NOT give that up IF you deeply want a baby. You are still young and NOT too old. Heck some women on here had babies in their late 30's early 40's. It is not unheard of.

It is hard to give up a Tudor Style home for a Cape Cod. It can be hard to give UP your dream of having a BMW and your stuck with a Mom van. OR giving up pedicures for 6months because Christmas is around the corner. OR coloring your hair at home, out of a box because Child support went UP. Those are just STUFF.

But to give UP a dream of having a baby with your husband....I can not imagine that pain. I am sorry.

Please re visit this with dh and talk with him.

still learning's picture

That's a pretty big issue to have with the *love of your life* and *soul mate*. Then he tells you to leave if you don't like it, if that ain't true love I don't know what is.

Me: "you gave two women you don't care about one thing I have always wanted. To be a mom"

DH: "not by my choice, my life is half over I really don't feel like starting over with a new baby. If you don't like it leave"

How was it not DH's choice to make two women mothers? Where was his pen*s at the time? Honestly if the guy doesn't want more kids don't force it. A baby will not magically make you a forever family. How'd it work out for the two previous baby mommas? DH and I have have several rows but he has never told me to leave. If he did I probably would because that's not a game I play.

wildstang's picture

I personally can see his perspective more than yours. Most of the time, after you have had a family and finally start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, you do not want to go back. He is speaking "his truth". Listen to him.

If you want children that badly, end the marriage and move on.

Please, Please, Please do not attempt to get pregnant with out his consent.

Loxy's picture

Wildstang, while I agree that DH's perspective is valid - so is hers. I personally think it's the height of selfishness to expect someone to make such sacrifice to raise someone else's kids and at the same time sacrificing a dream to have their own kids.

Totheend12345's picture

I would never get prego with out his permission. That only leads to a horrible ended or stress relationship and no child deserves that.

Rags's picture

So have a kid. If he objects... pile on the CS bandwagon and own his ass until your child ages out from under the CO. My opinion is that if he was making you and the marriage his priority he would be singing a different tune.

If it works for his previous two womb donors... it can work for you too.

Not that I would recommend it ... but. Wink

Rags's picture

As for what I gave up.... A condo on Lake Travis, a killer boat, and a shiny Corvette. Instead I got the most beautiful, wicked scary smart brilliant and sexy women on the planet to share my life with. Oh yea. And a son. I can't forget the kid.

All in all I got the better trade I think.

Though I will say that upon occasion I wouldn't mind having spent the last two and a half decades watching the sun set over the lake from the balcony of a beautiful condo or the deck of my killer boat and cruising the Hill Country with the top down....
Nah...who am I kidding... I like the woman better. Smile Dirol Wink ..... and the kid. I like him too.

Old sm's picture

Lake Travis, beautiful country. I assume you've been to the Oasis??

Things like that was what I had to give up after having stepkids and kids-those beautiful romantic weekends in the Hill Country, going to the Oasis or Wimberley and Fredericksburg. We stopped going bc it was just so much trouble to find someone to take care of the kids and animals when we were gone. The kids are all grown now and I'm not sure we really have anything in common anymore. All the energy was spent on the bio and step kids. After 20+ years of marriage, I really don't care to go away with him; but Damn, I miss that Hill country.

Dovina's picture

I would think one day you will wake up and the regrets will be huge and daunting. What will play in your mind is you chose to stay with your "soul mate" who told you to leave if you don't like it. Your time and effort put into sk's , who will never love you like a mom, who one day may even reject you. One thing we can never get back is time, our youth, and child bearing years. Something to think about.

blueskies4me's picture

You have already wasted ten years of your fertility which this selfish dude. Did he promise you will have children together? He has broken the important promise.

Leave him. He does not care enough for you. He is saying you’re not good enough to have his babies but you’re good enough to work off your ass and pay pay pay for his brats and him.

You willing regret not having your own children when you’ve been dealing with stepbrats, paying etc.

Your husband has broken his vows, basically.

My ex husband said we would have a family and he reneged but raged at me to work, work, work, I divorced him and found my better now husband and we have kids.

queensway's picture

I hope for your sake you are just having one of those days. Thinking about having a child of your own is normal. Your husband telling you if you don't like it you can leave is not normal. It is mean. And I would be horrified if my DH said that to me. People don't talk like that when they care about the other persons feelings. They sit down and talk things out in a civil manner. You need to decide if wanting to be a mother is truly what you want. For me being a mother is the most wonderful thing in my life. I would hate for you to regret passing this up if you really want to have a child. Good Luck to you.

marblefawn's picture

I never wanted kids. When we married, husband said maybe he would want more kids, but he always knew I didn't. Right after we married, I unexpectedly got laid off and put out of my dying industry for good. I knew that was the end of the career I loved. I started feeling like maybe I wanted a kid because suddenly I had no career to love - I had some space to fill in and a helluva lot of time on my hands. And there was my husband, always running off to see his kid, always getting "love you, daddy!" cards from her. So I mentioned maybe wanting a kid and to my surprise, he'd changed his mind. He didn't want more kids. I immediately suspected he didn't want them because he'd made a promise to SD that he wouldn't displace her with more kids. I know...that's paranoid nuts, right?

I still wonder if he didn't change his mind because of SD. For a while, it ate away at me. I felt like he has HIS kid and now he won't let me have mine! I am 13 years younger than he and I'd never been married before, which made me resent him even more. He had this cozy little club with SD and I had no one.

So, I turned to my first loves - travel and dogs. That helped me get through it and my brush with potential motherhood was pretty fleeting, to be honest! When it ate away at me, I reminded myself that I never really wanted them before I married, I never wanted them when I was working my fantastic career, so I probably only wanted them at that point because I was grieving my lost career and dealing with being second fiddle to SD.

Bringing another human into the world is nothing to be toyed with. I think it's better for me that it turned out this way. I can be as selfish as I want. I can be self destructive if I want. I can travel when and where I want. I sometimes wonder what will happen to me when I'm older and alone, but I can worry about that tomorrow.

Totheend,did you want kids before you met and married this guy? Was it a lifelong dream? Could it be that being told "no" is distorting what you think you want? If you didn't have his used kids to deal with, would you still want your own? (I ask that because if I didn't have my own, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be tied down because of his!)

Try to distill your emotions and figure out what you really want. Maybe look back at what you wanted before you married to get a clearer picture. You could be making yourself miserable for something you don't even want.

The bigger problem I see with your husband is that he's cruel. "If you don't like it, you can leave!" WTF? Who says that to someone they love? That is painful. Regardless of this baby issue, he should not be saying that. It's a conversation ender, which is what he wants, but that has got to stop.

Peanut575's picture

People say things like that when they either genuinely don’t care (not likely in this case I’m guessing, but who knows), or they’re banking on the person giving in & staying put. DH used to pull that crap & I stupidly put up w it for a while, until finally I said ‘alright, I’m done then. See ya’. I called his bluff & he hasn’t done it since. Total garbage behaviour & a terrible thing to say to your spouse.

sammigirl's picture

I'm reading between the lines here; correct me if I'm wrong.

You love this man. You want his child and of course you want to be a mother.

Now, do you want to have a child with this man, or would it be delightful to have a child with a man that loves both of you to the moon?

Good luck
((((hugs))))

AlreadyGone's picture

Ask yourself this question. Do I really want a child OR do I just want him to WANT to have a child with me? Mine was the latter, and coming to that understanding with myself, made me feel so much better. Suddenly I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. Your answer may be different. If so, you'll have to decide what's in YOUR best interest. Dirol

Peanut575's picture

The one thing a person should never compromise on is children. If you don’t want them you shouldn’t have them, and if you do want them you should never give that up for some guy or girl, even if you love them & think they’re your soul mate. In the end you’ll end up resenting it if you do what makes the other person happy.

My DH is older & he’s known since we met that I want kids. I’ve told him point blank if he wasn’t willing to have more I’d be gone, because it’s important to me to have my own. His kids will never be mine the way they belong to him & their mother, and I’m not willing to compromise something I’ve always wanted for the sake of my husband. But that’s just me.

If you’ve always wanted to have kids, I genuinely don’t think you should give that up. Your DH doesn’t want more, and that’s not going to change. If you can accept that then fine, but personally I would’ve left years ago bc to me not having kids is an absolute dealbreaker.

Disneyfan's picture

"I know if I don't like it leave, but he really is my soul mate. Hes my other half, my best friend."

I hope you understand that your husband does not view you as his soul mate, other half or best friend. If he did, accept it or leave wouldn't be his go to response.

That response is a "nice" way of letting you know that his life will be just fine with or without you.

I hope you take time to really think about what you want out of life. Hanging onto a man who has no problem letting you know that he doesn't value having you in his life sad.

bananaseedo's picture

Do you still have that desire or longing for kids? If so, yes, give up on him and find someone w/a common dream.

Personally, the way you described not wanting them before it does seem like it was a fleeting thing for you. You can have a fulfilled life w/out children. You love travel, travel.

You love dogs (YAY me too) -there are tons of activities/sports you can do w/your dogs that will take up your weekends/money and time JUST like extra-curriculars/sports do with children. WITH the difference that they don't talk back and always love you ha!.

I honestly feel like I'm a better dog parent then human parent-but I've got teens so nobody likes them much ha! But if look back, I LOVE my boys, I really do, many wonderful times-but I don't know -if I knew then what I know now about parenting-I think I would have decided to stay childfree honestly. I don't regret my kids- but parenthood wasn't all it's touted to be. I don't enjoy it - we're close w/the boys but I think I could have been just as happy/fulfilled w/out them too.

marblefawn's picture

I love your honesty. I guess you're not alone in feeling parenthood is overrated, but most would never say it. That's an injustice to young people who only hear people talk about the greatness of parenthood. Many young people never question whether they should have kids and maybe that's why modern parenting is putting an iphone in a kid's hand and signing them up for hours of team sports.

Step-adventure's picture

only recently there has been a movement all over the world with women taking a stand by choosing a childless or better term childfree life. Just google it and you will find may publications on it. I think this is ultimate emancipation even though I am not a "feminist".

Acratopotes's picture

I had to give up my sanity, thus I can;t help you Blum 3

I can say - if you and Dh agreed 10 years ago to have children of your own, and now he's puling out it's grounds for divorce, you never would've married him if you knew this from the start, but he kept you thinking it will happen.

If you decided in themean time never to have children then this is no issue at all, stop worrying about it then,

Totheend12345's picture

Your first line made me laugh I needed that.

We are working thru it..... I think my bipolarness is coming out again time to ups those meds..

ESMOD's picture

This is one of those relationship make/break points of contention. It is absolutely vital that both parties have an understanding and agreement regarding their desire to have kids.

If you both truly agreed going in that you would try to have a family and he is now "changing his mind". That's pretty tough to swallow for me. Did he really just agree to whatever at first figuring once he had you hooked you would agree to what he wanted?

I would advise getting in front of a counselor asap to work through this. Ultimately, if he is dead set against having a child with you... you will need to decide if you can accept that or whether you want to pursue other relationships.

Totheend12345's picture

We had a long stressed talk this weekend. I see his point, I guess I left out he has MS, which yes can be genetic and I always act like if we had a kid it wouldn't be a issue.

I am more mad the fact he said no, and didn't even think about my feelings put himself 1st. Like what he says is law and if I care about him I should just suck it up.

He said it I honestly want kids we will think about it, in 6 months if I still feel the same way go from there.

And today as I sit here and after i really thought this weekend I don't know if I want a kid. SD was over and bugged the crap out of me. She was all daddy this and my BM is so amazing blah blah blah. And I think if I had my own kid it be different.

I woke up early Saturday and took off for the day. I spent most of it by myself. Calmed down and got out of my mood..... I may just not be the mom type with these mood swings.

sunshinex's picture

SD has always made me a bit moody. I never got into playing with her, teaching her things, spending time with her - all of the usual things parents enjoy felt like chores to me. I thought I wasn't the mom type because I just couldn't get into it with her. Now as I sit here holding my 3 month old baby, I can't think of anything I'd rather be, I love watching him grow. He's taught me so much and given me endless patience I never knew I had. I was up every hour last night with him and still my heart absolutely melted when he smiled at me first thing when he woke for the day.

Do not base your decision on how you feel about being a stepparent, its totally, completely different with your own. Sure, I get annoyed when my baby won't sleep and I'm exhausted but it;s more of a slight quick flash of annoyance followed by overwhelming love and gratefulness that I get to have him. And a bit of guilt for feeling annoyed with my lil man lol. It's so different I promise this.

Evil3's picture

Having your own child is a whole different ball park than steps. Shortly after I got together with DH, I decided I didn't want kids. My decision was based on how feral my SKs were and how they were master manipulators and worked overtime to exclude me and let me know that I wasn't "allowed in their family." Since DH had his brats he didn't care that I didn't want kids. I never told him that the reason I decided against it was due to his feral brats. Well, what do ya know, I got pregnant. My DD17 has been the light of my life. Right now, she's an a$$hole because she's a teenager, but it's a whole other realm when it's your own. There are behaviours that my DD can do that I can laugh off, but when the SKs did them, I loathed them even more. However, I think it's because of all the manipulating and exclusion that always made me so angry and devalued. My DH was too afraid to address the brats, so he would gaslight me. He also fostered SD's Mini-wife Syndrome out of fear that he'd lose SD to her PoS mother.

Having your own child means you have full say in how he/she is raised. I was not allowed to say a word to my precious, wonderful poopsies (SKs) because they could do no wrong at all and since I wasn't a mother, I was an idiot and didn't know a damn thing. However, when I was pregnant that totally changed and I laid down the law to my DH about how I wanted MY child to be raised. He could continue to not parent his, but damn it, he was going to parent ours.

The other issue was that BM was the all-mighty be all, end all, because she had kids. OMG! Well, let's all just bow down to her. I didn't count at all and I was invisible, because I didn't have kids. That all changed when I got pregnant.

Maybe look at your life and figure out if it's these or similar issues you're dealing with rather than actually wanting a child. Take some time, maybe even a weekend away and take out a pad of paper and pen and really take notes and figure out what it is that's bothering you.

As far as the issue of your DH telling you to like it or lump it, that is a whole other issue. I would not allow my DH to threaten me and make me wonder if I was that expendable. I would have a come to Jesus meeting with him and tell him that under no circumstances is he to say that kind of thing to me ever again. That kind of emotional blackmail is too much and eventually, it'll eat at you and your marriage.

Step-adventure's picture

OH MY Tootheend...I so feel for you and think I know exactly where you are standing. In my 20s I never wanted a child. Then I met my fiance and we fell in love (he has a 11y son). When he told me that one day he would wish to be the father of our child it stirred motherly emotions that I didn't know existed. I go back and forth. my clock is ticking too not helping. Now we are moving, buying house and he wants to postpone.
We used to fight over those issues and we both threaten to leave - lol. I would ask him "why are we doing this, why are we still together?" He would say "you can leave any time". Its been several years and no-one left LOL.
I figured out its the personality and attachment bonding type - we both are anxious avoidant types - we are terrified of being abandoned and don't trust easily.

Sooo... ask yourself how much YOU want a child because you want to be a mother irrespective of who the dad is. It's selfish in a way but hey women can make choices nowadays not possible before. If the answer is yes then go for it. I have considered spermbank - fiance saw me googling it and we started a new conversation about the topic.

ask yourself if you want a child with HIM to feel balance or in away getting your justice by having one with him.

but if you are uncertain then try to imagine if you could be just as happy not having one. Just google childless by choice and you will many inspirations of strong women who elected a different path.

For me its was a mix of all the above - I wanted some sort of justice by having OUR OWN child next to his. I wanted to prove something to who knows who by him having a "better" experience with a child in a intact family.

This is a VERY BIG decision. Make it right for YOU! I personally think if a child completes a woman who has strong mother "genes" then you need to take care of your own happiness. Don't depend on another person.

If you really love your man then take your time to communicate. Things run much deeper and if he is like my fiance it will take a lot patience and time and tenderness to get him to open up about his fears and worries. Once you reached that level he may start to change his perspective. But the more you push the more he will be defensive.