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What do we do?

stepmom6706's picture

I am a SM of two SC. SD8 and SS5. I also have a child of my own I brought into this relationship (no involvment of his father) and one one the way with my husband. The BM has hated me since day one. I've tried and tried to make things civil between us but she has been completely resistant to it. This last January she was arrested along with two others for driving with a suspended license and having drugs in their posession. She got out of it. But then was turned over to another county for charges and a warrant. Then in February she was arrested again in a complete other county for driving with a suspended license at 3am with no headlights. After the first arrest my husband and I went to court to have her drug tested before she could pick up the kids for her parenting time. She went an entire month (we have primary custody and she gets them on the weekends) without doing the drug test. Then after that it was sporatic. We went to court three times, which she never showed for. The second time, the court said that if she didn't show for a drug test it would be considered an automatic fail and her visitation time would be suspended until furter notice. Right before the thirds court hearing she missed her drug test and the court suspended her visitation until she puts in a petition to the court. This was in May. She hasn't had any visitation with them since. Sporatically calls them and talks to them for 5 minutes before she's got to go with a friend or so on. She has seen them the last three weekends due to voleyball games of our oldest. However, they are limited to hugs and then goodbyes. She fought with me at the first one because SS5 didn't want to sit by her. Steered  clear of me the second time. The third time my husband was gone and she apologized to me and I to her, and hasn't said anything since. She is typically very rude and cusses at my husband constantly if she doesn't get her way. She never asks anything and always demands to "talk to her f***ing kids". We've never not let her talk to them and we've always let them call her when they ask. In fact the last time the kids had seen her prior to the last three weekends was on mothers day where we had them because she didn't take a drug test and so I had suggested we all go out to eat. It began with her being drunk and ended with her calling me names in front of a whole restraunt and our kids. The kids were in tears and she was too. i stayed stoic and didn't say anything. My question is, now she is asking for them for the weekend or day but with her parents. I don't feel comfortable with this.... What do we do?

tog redux's picture

Poor kids. So hard to have a drug-addicted mother who keeps letting you down.  Do you trust her parents?  If so, let them go for a few hours.  If not, don't.  (Really this is DH's decision, they are his kids, though I hear that you are very involved due to BM's issues).

notarelative's picture

The court has suspended her visitation. Can you trust that her parents will not leave her alone with the kids? Before I let her parents take the kids to see her, I'd check with my lawyer to see how the courts view this. 

stepmom6706's picture

DH agrees with me but he also has a habit of bowing down to BM's fits because she tends to drag friends and the kids into it. We've tried to let the grandparents have the kids for a night and the first thing they did was take them to her house and leave them there. 

tog redux's picture

Then no. I missed that the visitation was suspended by the court. In that case, definitely no. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

The court suspended her visitation until she petitioned the court to reinstate visitations. She has not done that. If your DH lets her take the kids, he may be in violation of the order. And if something happens to the kids, he may be held responsible.

It doesn't matter if her parents are there or not, the court ordered her visitations suspended. They have already showed you they can't be trusted - why should you trust them now?

I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it either.

Winterglow's picture


ALWAYS follow the court order and you can't go wrong. Her visitation has been suspended - if you allow her to take the kids, whether or not her parents are there, you are telling the court that you do not takethe court or the CO seriously. Do not do it. She doesn't get them. And I don't care how much she screams about it - block her number or call the police (depending on where it happens).

Major Blunder's picture

If CPS, DHS or DSS depending on your state finds out that she has the kids at all they could be taken from DH as well since he is allowing this, they will be sent to foster care, but on the other hand if DH can't abide by the CO foster care could be better for them.

My DW and I have been going through a similar situation, the BM in our case is my eldest SD , we have custody of her children and DW has bent the rules at times as well like your DH.

stepmom6706's picture

We've asked our lawyer about it. Basically the only thing he's told us that is that we could treat it as if they were going to a friends house. We set the rules and she has to follow them, but she won't. She's also contacted the courts office and they've basically told her the same thing. Since her rights haven't been terminated or anything like, that she can still have them if we say so. She just has her visitation suspended. I appreciate all the feedback. I feel like we are probably going to just try to talk to her civlly and but not send the kids.