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What do with the picture?

sbm014's picture

So, I am a bit sensitive lately due to personal events such as my whole office being shut down without notice. However, everything seemed to be dandy with DH and SS - overwhelming so.

DH and I had a scratch and dent weekend for our time as he had to go to a wedding, but that was resolved kind of. SS came up and hugged me on both exchange days that he came to our house, and tried to give me a hug when we were dropping him off at BM's but got distant when he noticed BM looking over but still told me he loved me.

Since my new found jobless-ness I have decided to clean and go through drawers that need to be cleaned. When going through the pile of work we had taken out of SS's folder I found a picture that he drew of himself that says "I love you mom and dad". Mind you this was a fall picture (it has pumpkins glued on it, etc) which was a horrible time for me, as SS was all about "My mom said this, my mom that", "I'm gonna tell my mom and my dad and you'll get in trouble" mind you there is still a lie he told to DH that DH believes during that time and SS twisted words telling me "My momma and my daddy are going to take me to the movies just us" but then would tell DH "I wish my daddy would take me to the movies" as what he said, and that next time DH was gone he questioned our relationship and if he wanted to stick around.

SS did know BM and DH as a family when he was tiny, but states that he hated it as they always fought and DH was never home to play with him. I hate seeing this picture it takes me back to a bad time, and doubt anyone really saw it as it was just in the pile we pull out of his folder - but the stack is big so I was trying to pull out pictures he drew opposed to the weekly school newsletter.

Part of me feels like I have enough of BM in this house (Pictures of SS visiting the boat BM's dad was stationed on, souvenirs from the boat - mind DH and I (I tried to stay away) took him as BM says that it is to far of a drive and has not even taken SS to his grandfather's grave or rarely mentions him according to SS) and wants to discard it...but I don't know if that would be wrong of me. I know DH most likely has no will to see something referring to them together, and BM gets enough pictures I think it would be odd to offer to her.

Am I wrong to want to throw it away? What would you do with the picture?

sbm014's picture

Part of me really wants to trash it but I don't want to seem like a bitch. I know DH would maybe go through them but not positive as he just more or less wants SS to have memories at both houses. I don't even know if he saw it when it came into the house. I just know the desk drawer needed to be cleaned, and so that is what I am doing.

sbm014's picture

I am cleaning the whole desk...and like I said there are things such as a million weekly letters of nonsense that yes I am throwing away. I have not thrown away any of the pictures he has drawn - the one in question is simply laying on the guest bed, or like his first writing of the alphabet is still in the pile. I am cleaning to organize not to be mean.

My heart does not want this in my house and took me to a depressing time, and to even imagine him wanting to take something home to DH and BM just makes me sad with how much better his life is with them separate. Part of me does want to discard it but I don't want to be a bitch and feel like a bitch even thinking this way hence why I posted to see other opinions.

SugarSpice's picture

the way I dealt with skids mom-this and mom-that is to say "these are our house rules."

sbm014's picture

He has since stopped the mom stuff, and has made a comment or two about "My wouldn't stop...." like when DH told him since I lost my job he will have to wait to re-do (new motor, paint) on his racing ATV. But DH stopped that, and like I said since he has given me hugs and even started to until BM looked our way. He has become the kid I wished he would return to for the most part.

twoviewpoints's picture

Get a storage tub with lid that will slide under the bed (like a sweater box). Toss old notes/newsletters and put the drawings and some select school work papers and the such in the tub. Slide it under and poof it's 'gone'.

It allows SS to keep his first and/or 'prized' this or that, but allows it to not take up space (it's under the bed) and keeps it out of sight out of mind for you. You might even ask SS to help you decide which items he wants to keep in tub and which items it's ok to not keep...do not reactive negatively if this drawing is one he keeps, it's normal for a child to love his parents, both of them (remember it's going under the bed so it's not like he asked to hand it on his wall). It's not out of line to have SS help with this cleaning project. He should be learning to help keep his things in his bedroom ect picked up and half way cleaned anyway (toys, taking clothes to hamper ect).

sbm014's picture

Putting it under the bed instead of in the desk may help. SS is with BM for the next 2 weeks. DH left this past week for his 3 week work hitch.

We have taught SS to keep his room clean. He typically picks it up, makes his bed before he goes to BM's mainly on his own (without being told). He also puts up his clothes though had gotten sloppy and told DH he couldn't have it nicely because he had to many clothes - which was not true he was just lazy in doing it. I talked to DH and this time I have re-folded and put the clothes in the dresser the way SS was originally taught.

I am the main cleaner in the house - DH takes care of the outside spaces. With my previous job I had a 80 mile commute one way so the time I had at home I was to exhausted and let things pile up, and so hence why I am now cleaning everything out, and not just SS's. I have also found bill stubs from 2012 that I have thrown away, and tomorrow I will be re organizing DH and my dresser as though I hate to admit it I got sloppy putting up some of our clothes just as SS did.

sbm014's picture

Lol! BM isn't in the photos of the boat it is pictures of SS touring the boat but it bring ups icky feelings as we had to take him to see something related to BM's family and she wouldn't have taken him. This photo is on SS's mirror in his room which is fine - I have pretty much limited myself to putting stuff on the dresser which I can do with one step into the room so I don't let the boat stuff get to me as much, and when I do have a mini victory in my head as BM got pissy when SS told her "Daddy and SB took me to grandpa's boat"...even though we know she wouldn't take him and like I've stated if it wasn't for DH her dad wouldn't have a head stone (When her and DH got together it was a cinderblock with his name painted and DH did all the research to ensure a service member got a proper headstone and even set it in the ground tho he says it is a tad crooked so that BM's family knows it was work of his [petty yes]) and if it wasn't for DH, SS would know nothing about his grandfather.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

But I think she is the kind who would feel guilty, and that may eat her up even more...

onebanana's picture

Put them away in a box and give them to SS when it's older. DON'T throw away things on your own, and DON'T keep them in your home out in the open if you don't like them.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I second putting these things away in a box. for under his bed. You get to be the superhero both times--one for cleaning out a desk, two for being thoughtful enough to give him a "treasure box."

I know it tears open old wounds, I had something happen like that this past week that mostly got resolved by talking it through with DH. I wish you peace.

tired and stressed's picture

I don't keep all of BS stuff, it gets to be too much. I select a few nice things to put away, but I throw most away. He is in the 1st grade and I have a Rubbermaid 1/2 way filled already. I know from having older skids 24, 21, 20; no one will look at that stuff. I have kept their grades, photos, and a few trophy items. I had my mother throw all of my old paperwork except my report cards.
I would throw most away and keep a few under the bed in a Rubbermaid as already discussed above.

Re: any photos of the old family...I have placed them all in a rubbermaid in the attic. If the constant heat/cold cycles does anything, "Oops."

I wouldn't give anything to BM, can only be used against you. Either throw it away or but in rubbermaid

sbm014's picture

I think my mom still has several things of mine and my brother's from pictures, report cards, certain drawings and a few days ago she mentioned she has an apology note that she saved that my dad wrote me when he was on drugs. She has given us certain things when times were appropriate.

Luckily we have no photos with BM in them. When DH filed for divorce he went by the marital home and picked up a bag of clothes BM sat on the porch and some tools. So, I feel lucky not to have any photos of the past only photos of our life together. I know MIL has a few of DH and SS when he was a baby but that is all that remains I'm sure BM has a stockpile though....seeing as she text DH a pic about 8 months ago that she had taken of DH/SS that he didn't even know she took at a sport event.

Orange County Ca's picture

Stay out of his file and don't toss anything. If it gets too big to keep (how can a file get THAT big?) ask Daddy to sort it out. Give it to him when he graduates from high school.

sbm014's picture

A file can get big pretty quickly epsecially when we have limited storage. However DH would look at me and tell me that he didn't know what should be kept and would probably ask me to go through it all anyways.

QueenBeau's picture

SD draws approximately 10 pictures A DAY. I throw away ones that are over 6 months old, unless they are in her notebooks, which she keeps. So I wouldn't see this as a big deal.

If we kept everythinggggg, we would have no room for anything. SD helps sometimes, never seems upset about it. she'd rather use her toybox for toys than for old pictures.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

It is not yours to throw away. I think you are a bit hyper sensitive now due your employment situation and you have realized that fact for yourself. Don't let your emotions and insecurities get the best of you.

MEL1297's picture

I would feel bad throwing it out, it's a little kid's drawing that they love their mom and dad. I would stash it away in the attic or put it in a box with their name in the basement or whatever. If you show it to them now, you know that will be up on the fridge, so just stash it.

Mind you, if I come across photos of BM in MY house, that crap gets tossed. I know, double standard. Although, I came across a pic of BM and DH that everyone signed at their wedding. I saved it for skid in the attic...I hate that pic though.

OR if they ever go home to their moms, if they have a bag they bring with them, stash it in the bag so it goes back to their MOTHERS so you dont have to see Smile

BethAnne's picture

I wouldn't feel bad about throwing stuff out. We have so many pictures and drawings and recently SD6 is all about writing us "letters" too. We could sink a ship with them all. A few pictures she takes time and care over, most of those end up on the fridge or the wall, the others slowly "disappear".

You want to get rid of it but feel guilty doing so. So I would do what I do whenever there is a step question I don't want to answer and pass the buck to your husband. It may upset him a little, but probably not as much as you fear and he will probably agree that you can chuck it. Or maybe he won't. But it won't be on you and you can have a clear mind.

And don't read anything into the picture. It is a picture. This weekend SD6 drew a picture of her looking at her mother who was on the ground with blood coming out and she told me her mom was dead in the picture (they were both recently involved in a collision with a car whilst on their bike)and also a picture of her (step)grandfather who recently chucked her and her mother out of his house in a rage casting racially abusive terms at them both. Neither drawing seemed to really bother her (we did check), just processing things going on in her (far too crazy for a 6yo) life.